My First Post- Parent with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is my first post and I don’t know much about this forum but here it goes! I have been in therapy for the past few months and have been told my mom’s behavior presents as someone with BPD. I am currently reading the book “Stop Walking On Eggshells” and it describes her behavior to a T. Now I’m trying to figure out how to navigate a relationship with my mom while knowing she displays symptoms of BPD. I feel very trapped in our relationship and feel like a puppet with her pulling the strings. I’m beginning to realize that she has never been a typical maternal figure to me and I’m starting to hold a lot of resentment for it. I guess I’m just looking to connect with others who share the same experiences because everyone in my life has not gone through this (that I am aware of).

[Corgis4Lyfe]

This is my first post and I don’t know much about this forum but here it goes! I have been in therapy for the past few months and have been told my mom’s behavior presents as someone with BPD. I am currently reading the book “Stop Walking On Eggshells” and it describes her behavior to a T. Now I’m trying to figure out how to navigate a relationship with my mom while knowing she displays symptoms of BPD. I feel very trapped in our relationship and feel like a puppet with her pulling the strings. I’m beginning to realize that she has never been a typical maternal figure to me and I’m starting to hold a lot of resentment for it. I guess I’m just looking to connect with others who share the same experiences because everyone in my life has not gone through this (that I am aware of).

[Panda39]

Hi Corgis4lyfe,

Welcome to the group    You are not alone everyone on this site has someone with BPD/BPD Traits in their life.  We all "get it".

I'm here because my partner has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife and they share 2 daughters. I have been an outside observer of what someone with BPD can do in relation to their children.

I feel very trapped in our relationship and feel like a puppet with her pulling the strings.

In my experience you are right on the money here.  People with BPD often see their children as extensions of themselves not as separate individuals.  They will often use FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to get their children to do the things they want them to do.

More on FOG... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

What kinds of behaviors are you struggling with most when it comes to your mom?  What is your living situation?  Are you at home with your parents or on your own?  Any siblings? Your dad?  Sorry for all the questions just trying to get a feel for your situation.

Again, I'm really glad you've found us, there are many here that share your experience, there is support, advice, ideas and tools that can help.

I look forward to hearing more from you.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Corgis4Lyfe]

Thanks for your reply! I am so excited to have an outlet to talk with people experiencing living with a loved one who has BPD.

A little background on me: I'm 27, my parents divorced when I was 5. My dad remarried the most wonderful, selfless woman- the opposite of my mom probably on purpose ! My mom never remarried, lived in crappy apartments, dating absolute losers ever since. I have a brother who is a couple years younger than me. We were with each of our parents half-time- Mondays and Wednesdays with mom and Tuesdays and Thursdays with dad then they switched off every Friday and every other weekend.

Since I can remember I have always been afraid of making my mom mad. I am now just starting to realize why- she is manipulative. If I was ever crabby or moody she would get really mad at me and give me the silent treatment for days until I apologized for something I didn't even know I did. Fast forward to me now being an adult and still walking on egg shells around her to avoid a blow out. Since starting therapy I am starting to realize that it isn't my problem but I still feel really guilty and responsible for her happiness- I guess it's always going to be something I will have to work on.

I thought I had set up good boundaries with my mom- I see her every Wednesday for weekly get togethers and will call her Tuesday to talk about what we want to do on Wednesday. Now even that is driving me insane and I feel so trapped in the weekly get together it's not even fun to see her and I dread it every week, only to feel such a relief when it's over and I get a week break until I have to feel the dread again. When we meet we only talk about her even though she has nothing going on. I feel like I always have to be in such a great mood because I don't want her to be pissed that I'm moody or crabby. If I try to say something about myself she will interrupt me and be like "OH MY GOSH LOOK AT THAT!" and totally not listen. She always says she's not feeling well and thinks she has a virus but I'm now learning that's a symptom of her BPD and wanting to create some form of an identity. She recklessly spends her money on clothes and stuff to decorate her apartment when she can barely afford food. She works a horrible job and whenever she tries to go to a new job (which she has done like twice) she will walk out in frustration and go back to her old job because it's where she's comfortable despite the fact that she will never make enough to live comfortably.

I guess I'm just wondering how I can get rid of some of the guilt I have and feelings of total responsibility for her happiness. I have always felt like the adult in our relationship and she has never felt like the unconditionally loving mother I needed, which is causing me to have some major resentment at the moment. So I am just wondering how other people have effectively set up boundaries with their BPD mom's and how that affected you.

Thanks for reading this far down- that was a lot but it felt really good to get out

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

I guess I'm just wondering how I can get rid of some of the guilt I have and feelings of total responsibility for her happiness. I have always felt like the adult in our relationship and she has never felt like the unconditionally loving mother I needed, which is causing me to have some major resentment at the moment. So I am just wondering how other people have effectively set up boundaries with their BPD mom's and how that affected you.

I think we all struggle with guilt, definitely when first learning how to detach emotionally and even later on in the recovery process.  The thing is though, the guilt dissipates as we learn about the disorder, what causes the behaviors and how we have learned to respond to them and then changing those responses.  Recognizing that we have a part in the dysfunctional dynamic is important.  I do not mean we are to blame though. Rather we have been conditioned to respond in certain ways to the point where a lot of it is not even something we are aware of.  Managing us, what seems like impulses when feeling guilt or fear etc, are all part of what we need to change.  It is a process to get to the point of less or even no guilt but it is possible.     Same with the fears we may have.

 

So I am just wondering how other people have effectively set up boundaries with their BPD mom's and how that affected you.

What sort of boundaries do you want to set up?  A good one is really for you and is vital to understand and accept:  their feelings and reactions to us, when behaving in healthy ways that may trigger our pwBPD (person with BPD) do not mean we are wrong, or doing something bad.

Boundaries are about and for us.  They protect us, they are what govern our behaviors and responses not our loved one or pwBPD.

[stargazer95]

Hi,

Welcome to the BPD family and thanks for sharing your story. My mother also suffers from BPD.

 If I was ever crabby or moody she would get really mad at me and give me the silent treatment for days until I apologized for something I didn't even know I did.

My mom is totally the same. These silent treatments started when I was very young. I had to beg her to "forgive" me. What helped with these was that, with the help of my therapist, I am learning to just let this uncomfortable feeling of guilt be. I am going against unspoken rules in our relationship. I have been raised with these rules. How can it not feel uncomfortable! but I am trying to learn how to not just act and respond from that place of guilt. I acknowledge it. I say "oh hi old friend, I see you, you are scratching an old wound but I no longer need you in my life." And  I try to sleep on my responses to my mom. How is it for you with this these days? do you still get the silent treatment?

it's not even fun to see her and I dread it every week, only to feel such a relief when it's over and I get a week break until I have to feel the dread again.

I also tried to set up weekly calls with my mom. Before she would call me 2-3 times a day. I would dread these calls and have anxiety attacks before them. It would take me days to recover from a call only have enough time to breathe before the next call was around the corner. Eventually, I decided that I don't have that energy at the moment to spend on my relationship with her and need to use my energy on my own family. I am other of a 2 years old girl and a three years old boy. My husband has a demanding job and I live in a foreign country. So I am at the moment in no contact with my mom until I feel ready to set up and reinforce boundaries; until a time when I can afford the emotional pain she gives me every time. but of course you will have to see what works for you and your situation. Thankfully I live in a different country from my mom so at the moment this is not that hard to do