“I’m A Jerk”

[paperinkart]

Hey guys  

So the good news is, my boyfriend just called me after a few days of NC and a really bad split. I honestly wasn’t sure if I was ever going to hear from him again.

The bad news is, I’m experiencing something that I can’t figure out if it’s BPD-related or not. So here’s the story:

We’ve been together for 2+ years, doing our little BPD off-and-on routine the entire time. We’ve always liked to tease each other. He’s often teasing me, and if he’s not teasing me, I’m making fun of myself or him. Sometimes he doesn’t take teasing very well and can get very hurt once in awhile, so I’ve learned where to draw the line.

The problem is, his teasing with me has just gotten worse over time. By that I just mean that it is very frequent and sometimes he’s just flat out rude or offensive. Sorry, I can’t think of a great example right now. I really don’t mind some fun teasing and I can often laugh it off, but when it goes to far, it just really hurts my feelings. If I don’t laugh, he usually gets really quiet and embarrassed and says something like “I’m a jerk” or “I’m so mean”.

He’s had conversations with me before where he talks about how he doesn’t like how he treats me and how he’s noticed it getting worse over time. I definitely agree with that. His teasing USUALLY makes me laugh too but sometimes it’s just goes way too far.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. I should maybe keep a journal to see if it’s related with his splits, but do you guys experience teasing as part of BPD it is is unrelated? Is there any way I can set a boundary and put a stop to the “too far” teasing without triggering an overwhelming feeling of shame in him (the emotion he can’t handle at all)? He never blames me or gets angry with me as a result of BPD (he turns inward instead), so I’m wondering if he subconsciously uses these little insults as a way to release some of that emotion...or maybe he’s just being a jerk   

Thanks guys!

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[once removed]

insecure people can have a tendency to be a little bit strong when it comes to teasing. my ex was no exception.

He’s had conversations with me before where he talks about how he doesn’t like how he treats me and how he’s noticed it getting worse over time. I definitely agree with that.

if i were you, i would first, in a time of calm, revisit this conversation. i would primarily listen and ask questions. get a sense of where hes coming from, how he feels..give him some rope to talk. then in a day or two, i would revisit it in a way where both of you give the other a sense of what is out of bounds for each of you. obviously you cant cover every hypothetical, but a good goal might be to have a give and take where you each clearly put things in the "never" category.

after that i might revisit it again. talk about solutions. get a sense for, if one of you crosses the line, how the other should respond. so youll know what he recommends in the event he says something hurtful, what you should do about it.

id bring the outcome of these conversations here, get some feedback.

[Rev]

My ex used to say she wasn't making fun of me - she was "taking delight" in me. As soon as I bought into that, it became worse.

I think that teasing is like beauty - it's in the eye of the beholder.  What is hurtful to one is not to another. What is intended by one is not intended by another.

 So much like ONCE Removed said, setting down a boundary, softly and with emotional intelligence, is the only way I can think of to test the waters.  A caring person with empathy will be able to understand that their intentions were not read and not blame the other person, unless that person begins to act out inappropriately. But even then, they will own their part of the conflict.

Teasing to hurt someone - which is a passive aggressive behavior - to my mind is a sign of NPD and could be seen as more predatory. My ex displayed strong NPD traits. Her teasing became outright belittling at the end. I only mention this because it can be a slippery slope - but that's my experience. Yours is yours - and so yes - in the end, he may just be behaving like a jerk!

Good luck,

Rev

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Thanks you guys! Very helpful suggestions!

Rev, I guess that’s where I get a little confused. I am an extremely sensitive person so sometimes I am anxiously overreacting to what he says. If I go back and tell him what he said really bothered/upset me, he’ll apologize and is quick to explain that he really didn’t mean it to be upsetting. I do get upset by things that many people would just laugh off.

But yes, sometimes I definitely wonder if he really means what he says and then covers it up as a tease.

I need things to settle down between us first, otherwise I’d be throwing gasoline onto the fire, but he comes home in a few weeks. When I can find an appropriate time to talk about it, I will!

Thanks for your insight guys!