In their early years, we were surrogate parents to our 2 grandchildren (who are now 28/30) as our uBPD daughter bounced from one drama to another either with each of their fathers or whoever was her target at the time...us included. I can't tell you how many times I held those little ones in my arms and tears fell because of the life they were subjected to...how bleak their futures seemed to be unless their mother softened up.
Sadly, a lot of what I feared has come true. Neither of these grandchildren have relationships with their fathers, nor those families, nor with us (their only surviving grandparents)…..and they don't seem to like each other. As far as we know each still has a strong tie to their mother (our daughter). Go figure!
I say "as far as we know" because we are in yet another period of estrangement with our daughter...now in the 4th year. Over the years some of the periods of no contact have been shorter...but some longer. They have all pretty well ended with her contacting us with something like..."let us just put all behind us and start again"...her refusing any ideas of joint counselling to ward off the possibility of conflict between us happening again. Yes, we have "started again" over and over only to be broadsided at some point like a late night phone call berating me for...?…..or a sudden email that turns out to be much less than loving...each time the questions...What?...Why?
The biggest hurt has come from the estrangement with these grandchildren who at one time flew into our arms. Never, ever have there been harsh words between them and us...yet, as they grew older, when their mother would cut us out of her life...so would they. We live less than 1/2 mile from our daughter yet they don't visit.
It came as a shock, but a pleasant surprise, when about 2 years back we heard from the now 28-year-old. She and her live-in wanted to visit with us...at our cabin. Okay. The visit went well...no questions asked by us...no "heavies" laid upon her...no tears. It happened again last year. All "light as a feather." Of course in the back of my mind has been...are we being used? Our cabin is in a lovely setting and it was a big part in our grandchildren's growing-up-years...many, many wonderful memories for them and, needless to say, for us.
Communication between this one grandchild and us has been sporadic...months in between. Today, out of the blue, a phone call. She is scared. Out of the two of them, this one always blew whatever ailment she had (or thought she had) out of proportion. Now the Covid-19 warnings have her frightened.
I stayed calm during our conversation. I pointed her towards stories of people who have been tested positive yet have experienced no symptoms or just mild flu/cold-like symptoms. I reminded her that she is young and healthy and she has no idea how many illnesses her body has already fought off in her 29 years and will continue to do so.
All this...yet her voicing no concern whatsoever to the fact that we, her grandparents who are in our late 70's, are in the red zone. I have to admit that kinda hurts...but...I am also left to smile. Is she remembering the Gramma-hugs from the past that made her pains go away...the reassurances that all will be well? Seems she needed that today. Hmmmm? Well...whatever!
Thankfully I stumbled upon this forum a few short years back. At that time there was no way I would have been able to say/write..."Whatever!"...then get on with my day. Don't get me wrong. Depending on the day, my "whatever's" waiver in strength. I will forever be a work-in-progress...but I am okay with that.
Wishing all well during these different and difficult times.
Here is a Gramma ((HUG)….from Huat
