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Author Topic: Ex bpd tried to see my therapist and other triangulation.  (Read 357 times)
Emery Wells
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 2


« on: March 16, 2020, 03:35:01 AM »

Hi I’m new here and it’s been a difficult few years which has me needing help. I spent 3 years with my bp S/O, we never actually became bf/gf but we were what felt like ride or die best friends with romantic messy tension and poor boundaries/communication. I struggle with co-dependency and ptsd hyper vigilance due to childhood so I recognize my hand in the quality of the relationships shortcomings but I have a therapist to help.
I’m seeking friendly encouragement and advice of how to cope with triangulation from the ex. Mine has taken things pretty far when I finally cut things off 8 months ago and I always hope it will slow but never does.
It started with a message that I was smearing her, and to “keep her name out of my mouth and forget she exists” and that she never did anything wrong. She lived far away but a week after I cut things she suddenly decided to move back to town. Followed by contacting my closest friends saying “I hope we can still be friends” even though she didn’t have a standing relationship with them. Then got a job working with my ex gf (who previously she spoke of with disgust and anger) and became friendly with her, all the way to spreading a rumor that I had unprotected sex with the both of them for a year (never happened not even close) even getting a second job with a lot of people I’m close to. I let it all slide and kept composure. Last month, my therapist noticed a familiar name on a new client she’d been matched with, it was her. My therapist double checked with me  to make sure so she could pair her with someone else. She had the day and time appointment ready and she knows my therapist name before our split. The office called her and told her she’d been paired with a different therapist but could keep the same day and time...she no call no showed. All the proof I needed she was seeking my therapist specifically. I’m left to feel completely broken by it, I struggle to accept that someone would go to such a length. Part of me doesn’t even understand what her goal was with that.

I’m sorry this post is so long. I just need to know I’m not crazy or that the struggle is indeed real, it’s been 8 months NC, it never seems to do any good, I find myself crying a few times a week because I either miss the way they made me laugh, or because I’m tortured by the triangulation and disregard for any of my safe spaces. The contrast is deeply painful and I’d love to stop crying and feel like I can go downtown again and find new friends or a sense of personal peace. Thank you.
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2020, 01:59:02 AM »

hi Emery Wells, and Welcome

it sounds like you reached your wits end, and it sounds like she took it badly, couldnt handle it.

what happened? what led you to the point of saying enough was enough, and how did it play out?

that might inform whats going on here, and how to best navigate going forward.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Emery Wells
Fewer than 3 Posts
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Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 2


« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2020, 10:58:32 AM »

hi Emery Wells, and Welcome

it sounds like you reached your wits end, and it sounds like she took it badly, couldnt handle it.

what happened? what led you to the point of saying enough was enough, and how did it play out?

that might inform whats going on here, and how to best
navigate going forward.


Thank you for responding! All great questions.
I’d reached my end but there was no fight on my end, I finally expressed the toll the relationship was taking on me and that I felt I couldn’t date or see people and she felt similar so it started with her being sad yet understanding. But After drawing a boundary, the drunk texts didn’t stop, the calls didn’t stop it just started to revert. It truly broke a week later when I learned our mutual friend had been seeing an ex of mine (at the same time I was with her) under my nose. It was a very messy ordeal, not a normal pattern for, never experienced that before. The ex BP was overwhelmed that I didn’t go to her for help or reassurance as I was trying to keep my boundary and I’d JUST learned of the info so I was obviously hurt and sad. The ex bp sent a message about how much she hates me, that I never do anything right and to never speak to her again. This being after I’d already drawn the boundary. I didn’t fight it or try to talk it out, I just simply said I’m sorry and that I wish things weren’t so hard and that not talking would be healthier for us. It didn’t stop her from all these attempts. So to answer, it was incredibly messy and not normal and there were plenty of factors at play that are nuanced and confusing. I never yelled or said anything to devalue or bite back. I just let it happen and said okay, it was a rough day to put it lightly.

It’s hard missing that person when they’ve made some noticbly underhanded attempts to triangulate you or crowed your space. I’ve done everything possible to keep a respectful distance because I’d like for her to be happy. But lots of things aren’t mutual. She holds the power over a majority of my friends now, and it’s left me without a support system (which I understand is the whole point)
So, messy ending, messy outcome I guess.
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2020, 03:18:18 AM »

well, it definitely sounds like she just, ultimately, couldnt take the rejection she felt; still cant.

it happens, sometimes, even to the best of us. youve got a case of a spurned ex lover.

its really hard, unimaginably hard, that your friends have sided with her and that that has left you without a support system. friends and family in these cases choose sides, and sometimes, they lean toward whoever rallies them the hardest. there arent words that can really make that feel a whole lot better for you. it compounds the loss youve been through, and the surreality you are dealing with. certainly, you can build a support system, and i know of no better place than this one, that i came to around nine years ago when i was going through it myself.

there may be two ways to go about trying to navigate and/or stop this.

the first is that you can continue to ignore it. it sounds like her efforts are sporadic, eventually they are going to become less effective and/or practical, she may find another relationship (of whatever kind) that pulls her focus, and/or she may just give up. thats one option. its probably the most recommended.

have you considered an alternative, though? what if you sent a message that both took all the blame (soothe her feeling of rejection) and was also boring and aloof, not really worth responding to, and kind of underwhelming? in other words, something that gave her the closure shes looking for, but in an anticlimatic way? what do you think?
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