Does low level contact ever get less guilt inducing?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Ive been really working this year on keeping a low, almost non existent, level of interaction with my SIL. She often positions me as the problem, or the difficult one and if I meet her with softness, she then plays the victim. So Ive stopped playing the game and to be honest, its liberating.

The other day, I said to my hubby "your mum is going to share with your sis XYZ and Im going to get a text from her, acting all nice and trying to blow things over"
Sure enough, thats what happened.

This time I chose not to respond, but asked hubby to respond for us.
I know I did the right thing as I protected myself from entering into the agenda...
but Im wondering if this ever stops feeling counter intuitive, to step back and not engage? Or do I need to accept that this just never feels normal?

[kiwigal]

Ive been really working this year on keeping a low, almost non existent, level of interaction with my SIL. She often positions me as the problem, or the difficult one and if I meet her with softness, she then plays the victim. So Ive stopped playing the game and to be honest, its liberating.

The other day, I said to my hubby "your mum is going to share with your sis XYZ and Im going to get a text from her, acting all nice and trying to blow things over"
Sure enough, thats what happened.

This time I chose not to respond, but asked hubby to respond for us.
I know I did the right thing as I protected myself from entering into the agenda...
but Im wondering if this ever stops feeling counter intuitive, to step back and not engage? Or do I need to accept that this just never feels normal?

[gotbushels]

kiwigal 

She often positions me as the problem, or the difficult one and if I meet her with softness, she then plays the victim. So Ive stopped playing the game and to be honest, its liberating.

I know what you mean. I've been in that position where people make up stories or try and twist the facts to make you seem like the one causing whatever issue it is that's bothering them at the time. It sucks—and I'm glad you've found your way out of it.

The other day, I said to my hubby "your mum is going to share with your sis XYZ and Im going to get a text from her, acting all nice and trying to blow things over"
Sure enough, thats what happened.

I think that's a gift. To see how these situations play out, before they happen that way. I think this gift helps us prepare for the most likely outcome before it happens.

but Im wondering if this ever stops feeling counter intuitive, to step back and not engage?

Personally, I noticed I felt more comfortable using a strategy over time. I agree with what you said, it feels quite liberating, and I think it continued to do so, for me. At the same time, it felt like riding a bicycle for the first time—unnatural.

From time to time when I discuss strategies with my T, and I discuss how it went with her, I notice that I felt unskilled like a child again, in that thing. Something that helped me gain confidence that I was doing the right thing, was recognising the positive results in my life.

Or do I need to accept that this just never feels normal?

I think the easiest way is to process it. For me, if I was in your situation, I'd start with my feelings and follow those spears into the jungle.

You mentioned guilt. Why would I feel guilty—maybe because I feel responsible for how the other person behaves. Is that true, and am I really responsible for other people's actions.

You mentioned feeling normal. Why would I feel this isn't normal—maybe because it isn't normal! BPD has a ~6% diagnosis rate, I deal with a person like this 1 time out of the 1,000 interactions I have with everyone else—truly, my experience isn't normal. And actually that's 0.1%, so my job is much easier than a lot of therapists phew! So of course I feel it's not a familiar sequence to me—and thank God it isn't.

With a sibling you're trying to low-contact with, something that helped me (I'm effectively NC with this person) is to understand you're not their parent. In my situation, I think to myself, I'm not their parent. They are 40+ years old, and I have no obligation to behave like a parent to them. They can send me whatever they want, complain, and slander to people involved in my FOO's estate issues; it's not my business, it's not my job. I took some pride in the fact that I have a big ole "15" (+"3" from their changed numbers) in unread Whatsapp messages from this person accumulated from years ago. It can get so easy you don't even remember when they last tried to contact you. Of course, my situation's maybe easier than some others—because in terms of credibility, I have a good job and finished school; and he's a dropout with a conviction. At the end of the day, the fundamental thing is to remember—it's not your job.

I hope you share your experience of why you feel the way you do- and I hope you're enjoying your peace.

[shield-me]

The more you practice low contact, the more it will be less guilt inducing.

Keep ignoring the SIL, I promise it will get easier over time.

Keep it low contact.

Take care 

[Panda39]

And realize the the problem is coming from her, these are her issues, her behaviors, her motivations etc.  They are about her and not about you.

You are not the problem in the relationship.

I would try to work towards "radical acceptance" she is who she is, let her do her and you do you.

Panda39

[zachira]

Great question and one those of us who have decided to go low contact with a disordered family member often ask ourselves. In my experience, low level contact does get easier with time. I believe we initiate low contact when we are more emotionally ready to do so. Then with the initial low contact, there is usually mistreatment by the disordered family member towards the person inititating low contact. The type of mistreatment can be worse than anything ever experienced and can really hurt more that we expected. When we see what our disordered family member is capable of, usually there comes a point where we realize that the behaviors are so far from normal that at some point we just keep the boundaries and just aren't that bothered by what the disordered family member is doing. Be patient with yourself. Going low contact is a process. We are not capable of treating another person the way our disordered family members treat others, so it can be mind boggling what the disordered family member's reaction is to low contact. A healthy response is not a reaction; it is being centered and comfortable in what we feel, do, and say. You are capable of responding, not reacting which is what separates you from your disordered family member who can only overreact emotionally to whatever happens, even if it is something quite normal in most circumstances.

[kiwigal]

THIS: "I notice that I felt unskilled like a child again, in that thing"
That is a real key for me. When I am noticing the anxiety, its that feeling of slipping back into the big person/ little person role and thats been a consistent hook. I feel like Im vulnerable to being sucked in by responding in a way that capitulates to that positioning.
I noticed that when I stepped back this time, and let my husband respond, that it brought me time to be self aware.
The next day I did opt to reply but I did it in such a way that I stayed in a professional role and reinforced that hubby was the point of contact while I focus on my goals and yet still conveyed humanity and care.
I hope that gets easier with time, and like you said - just not buying into it being my job to fix things!

kiwigal 
I know what you mean. I've been in that position where people make up stories or try and twist the facts to make you seem like the one causing whatever issue it is that's bothering them at the time. It sucks—and I'm glad you've found your way out of it.
I think that's a gift. To see how these situations play out, before they happen that way. I think this gift helps us prepare for the most likely outcome before it happens.
Personally, I noticed I felt more comfortable using a strategy over time. I agree with what you said, it feels quite liberating, and I think it continued to do so, for me. At the same time, it felt like riding a bicycle for the first time—unnatural.

From time to time when I discuss strategies with my T, and I discuss how it went with her, I notice that I felt unskilled like a child again, in that thing. Something that helped me gain confidence that I was doing the right thing, was recognising the positive results in my life.
I think the easiest way is to process it. For me, if I was in your situation, I'd start with my feelings and follow those spears into the jungle.

You mentioned guilt. Why would I feel guilty—maybe because I feel responsible for how the other person behaves. Is that true, and am I really responsible for other people's actions.

You mentioned feeling normal. Why would I feel this isn't normal—maybe because it isn't normal! BPD has a ~6% diagnosis rate, I deal with a person like this 1 time out of the 1,000 interactions I have with everyone else—truly, my experience isn't normal. And actually that's 0.1%, so my job is much easier than a lot of therapists phew! So of course I feel it's not a familiar sequence to me—and thank God it isn't.

With a sibling you're trying to low-contact with, something that helped me (I'm effectively NC with this person) is to understand you're not their parent. In my situation, I think to myself, I'm not their parent. They are 40+ years old, and I have no obligation to behave like a parent to them. They can send me whatever they want, complain, and slander to people involved in my FOO's estate issues; it's not my business, it's not my job. I took some pride in the fact that I have a big ole "15" (+"3" from their changed numbers) in unread Whatsapp messages from this person accumulated from years ago. It can get so easy you don't even remember when they last tried to contact you. Of course, my situation's maybe easier than some others—because in terms of credibility, I have a good job and finished school; and he's a dropout with a conviction. At the end of the day, the fundamental thing is to remember—it's not your job.

I hope you share your experience of why you feel the way you do- and I hope you're enjoying your peace.