New here. Foster daughter recently diagnosed.

[new2moming]

Hello all. My husband and I decided we wanted to adopt, and we were matched with an amazing 13 year old girl. It took several months and lots of visits, but she moved home and having her home was wonderful. She'd been through some trauma a few years ago, which was all explained to us. She has been in therapy consistently and her doctor and therapist were both very pleased with her progress. They were celebrating how far she had come and everything was awesome and exciting!
I went to wake her up one day and the first thing out of her mouth was "what am I doing here?" She then told me that she overdosed on medication. We called a poison control number while getting ready to go to the hospital and thankfully the medication she took was not toxic but of course we still needed to go to emergency department. Doctors asked some questions, monitored her, did some tests. Advised us outside of the room and away from her that she could not have taken the medicine, she was showing no symptoms and had no signs. But of course this must still be treated as if it were all real. She also tells us she had been hurting herself, cuts all over her legs.
She is recommended to a psychiatric hospital and my husband and I search her room. We find evidence in her diary that she has been cutting herself for months, which we were told she had not been doing, so it becomes clear that she is working hard to hide it. All this while she was telling her doctor and therapist she was not cutting, was not feeling suicidal etc. I tell the doctor what we have found and remind him we are a new family, she was not in our care previously and we are very concerned that she is so deceptive.

After a bit of time in hospital, he diagnoses her with BPD. Husband and I are trying to read up, but we're still not really getting it. The symptoms and signs are shocking- they are writing about her! But we don't fully get it, still.  We keep telling nurses at the hospital that we are concerned she is being deceptive and we are concerned about several other of her behaviors. This is going on for weeks. I'm feeling gaslit and like no one is hearing me/us. Finally the doctor calls. He basically explains that the reason no one seemed to be too alarmed by our reports is because they know she's being deceptive and this is all expected behavior for someone with BPD.

The light goes on for me. He explained that this is the way things are with her, there will be good days but this is bigger than we ever expected. He tells me throughout her life she will go inpatient multiple times, and this is kind of just what is "normal". (I am leaving out a lot of details, there is a lot more involved in her story, I'm trying to keep it short..)

He tells me that we have good instincts and we've been doing all the right things, but basically we were prepared to adopt a dog and what we brought home was a cat, so we were not properly prepared for the reality.


I'm feeling so lost. I'm sorry this is so long. I don't even know where to go from here. Her previous doctor had said she might have unspecified bipolar disorder but he wasn't even fully prepared for that diagnosis. I feel like I've just been hit by a bus that I can't even see.

Please point me in the right direction for your best resources for learning about this, and how to deal. Please share your own stories. Please just help me feel like I even know which way is up. I found this site a few days ago but the bus just hit me today really...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome New, you are amongst kindred spirits here. 
I am very glad your daughter is safe and you and docs are on top of things.  It is perfectly normal to feel lost as a parent, as a matter of fact , that may well become the new normal .  Believe it or not, you are on the right track even if it doesn't feel like it- you have med help for your child, you came to this board.  Keep on reading here.  Here is one link that may help you get started.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114267.0

Feel free to click onto  anyone's name here and read through the posts, etc.  Write to us as much as you feel need. I also advise you to look at the "library" here - there are suggested readings .  A popular book is " Stop Walking on Eggshells". 

Remember- you and your husband are as important as the BPD child( we often forget this ). 

[new2moming]

Thank you. I think I'm going to spend the evening doing some reading here.

This is all so overwhelming. Especially being relatively new to her

[PeaceMom]

Welcome New2,
I just have a few minutes to jump in with Swimmy and welcome you, but I did have a thought.  I know you are a new mom so all this seems just nutty to you, but many of us had daughters that seemed fairly neuro-typical until right about puberty. This is when many of us discovered something very complex was going on. My DD20 was adopted as an Asian orphan at age 17 mos and right about age 13-14 the struggles began. I won’t list them here bc I’ve done so in many, many old posts. You can click on my name (later) to hear my story.
What may be most helpful, is simply trying to wrap your head around this disorder. It’s very confusing and the advice goes totally against any conventional parenting wisdom. I really liked the book “Loving someone w/BPD”. I hope you can find face to face support for yourself as it is critical. Sending you a ((hug) from one Adoptive mom to another.

[new2moming]

Thank you, PeaceMom.

I feel like even if we had brought her home as a baby or young child, we would have been slightly more prepared and equipped for this than we are now. As it is now, we still barely know her, realistically.

Have any of you dealt with self-harming with your child? Can you give some advice about how you handled it?  What sort of safety protocols and changes you put into place after you found out?

We are reviewing everything in her room and removing what we KNOW is a danger, and there are some things we are not sure about. We also aren't sure about how to handle her "earning" things back...

Any suggestions or advice?

[Swimmy55]

Even though my child is not adopted, the same metamorphosis happened at 13 yrs when his rages started in.

You are on track right now just by being you have to BPD proof her surroundings. 
You won't catch everything, and that is ok.  I just did the obvious things like removing knives, not allowing son to cut grass or do yardwork, and keeping control of the meds and dosing them.   Her therapist can also help  you with this list .  We also had to sign a contract for safety with the medical personnel  /therapist that stated something to the affect if BPD feels like self harming, instead let parents know and call therapist, etc..

I truly wish I had more definitive answers, but just showing up each day is the best you can do  even when you don't know what else to do.  I also had my own separate therapist on and off during his teen years and beyond which really helped.  Last but not least, it is important to learn detachment as BPD is intense and you must put mental distance between you and the rage/ acting out.  Joining a 12 step al anon or Coda ( co dependents anonymous) which are free support groups with literature.  You can also have these online if you google.  Please know we are here for you.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi new2moming:
Sorry about your situation.  Just throwing out a few thoughts.

It's important that she learns coping skills and ways to improve the moment and redirect her thoughts/ruminations about self-harming.  Are you aware of any coping skills she has tried or is currently using? The urge to self-harm won't disappear by willpower.  The key will be for her to learn new habits & not just periodic compliance to get some things back.

Although a cell phone can be a problem, it can also provide some healthy coping mechanisms (i.e. some meditation apps, live nature cams, audio books, music, etc.). One approach would be that she earns rewards for practicing coping skills & makes it a daily habit.

It's best to practice coping/relaxation skills on a daily basis.  That way, there is a better chance that episodes of dysregulation could be more minor.

One suggestion is that she makes a list of things to do, when she has an urge to self-harm. The list needs to be handy, so she can look at it regularly.  Perhaps a printed list that she keeps in her room, along with having a list on her phone (if she has one). Perhaps, she earns some type of reward for practicing coping skills for a certain number of days.