Every time there is any change in her life she falls apart

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 19 year old daughter has been diagnosed with BPD. We finally got her settled at a college where she seemed relatively stable. With the Coronavirus she is now back home and ranting and raving. I can handle almost anything but the screaming. My husband is done with it. I try to remain calm but she continues on.She has had multiple meds and therapies since she was in middle school. Every time there is any kind of change in her life she falls apart. Im not really sure what to do.

[mcat1]

My 19 year old daughter has been diagnosed with BPD. We finally got her settled at a college where she seemed relatively stable. With the Coronavirus she is now back home and ranting and raving. I can handle almost anything but the screaming. My husband is done with it. I try to remain calm but she continues on.She has had multiple meds and therapies since she was in middle school. Every time there is any kind of change in her life she falls apart. Im not really sure what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Anonymoose100]

Does she have a psychiatrist or psychologist that is offering telehealth sessions during this time? I know it's not much but maybe it would be of help

[Huat]

Hi Mcat1.  Welcome.

For sure Covid-19 has all of us looking like a deer-caught-in-headlights.  While we on the "normal scale" can work at bringing up coping mechanisms, these challenged children of ours have little or nothing in reserve.

As more and more services will be closing down due to this pandemic, so much now is going to be on your shoulders (and hopefully the weight and the work will be shared by your husband) on how interaction takes place with your daughter.   By staying calm...biting your tongue...using some of the "tricks-of-the-trade" that are shown on this website...all can help to ward off escalation in a situation.  Not easy!

Do your homework here, Mcat1.  Read all that is offered on this website (and there are leads to more).  Watch videos that give you an idea on how a strategy can work.  By all means, keep sharing here.  This can be your safe, non-judgmental sounding board where you let off some steam and feel the support of others. 

((HUGS) from one Mom to another 

Huat

[livednlearned]

How do you respond when she screams?

[java919]

change was always one of the hardest things for my daughter
not even negative change, just school vacation starting, or holidays, or even clock change would trigger what i would label the 3 day freak out

didnt matter what i tried had to accept that for a few days things would b a high pitch
emotionally and try to realize it was just there but would ease up some after that
transition period

it was really the end of routine that was the trigger, in school or day camp or if she was working when older there was structure something to hang onto even with the complaining and mood swings
without any structure all would crumble

once i could step back accept that it still was hard but didnt feel as crushed by it
sometimes its like the different size swells in ocean some knock u down some ucan stand against

be strong

[PeaceMom]

I often wonder if a circadian rhythm disorder could be a factor in BPD. My DD20s sleep schedule has always been irregular and the time change screws her up. When she was in grades 1-4 or 5 she would be almost comatose when the alarm went off in the mornings. I’d have to dress her in her sleep. Just another piece in this always perplexing puzzle...

[mcat1]

Thanks all- I have been dealing with this for years with her. Just new to the site and since I find myself with time on my hands I plan to read every article. It's so helpful to know other people are going through this too. Im really interested in ways to stem the rage and how to react. I feel like I stay calm but the calmer I stay the more she feels like i don't care.

[PeaceMom]

Mcat,
Overcoming BPD by Porr talks about mirroring their level of emotion in some cases or else it infuriates them. If I’m too calm my DD goes nuts. I kinda have to match her level. Like if she’s talking fast, I speak fairly fast too. If she’s loud, I do NOT whisper. It’s all very counter intuitive but somehow it relates that I’m on her level and understand her deeply.
If you have the time and energy to devote to learning a
these unfamiliar ways to communicate, I’d suggest that book and “Loving someone w/BPD” by Manning.
Now, when my DD20 is in a full blown screaming rage, I don’t play along bc it’s too damaging to my mental and physical health. That when I say”I’m stepping away now and we can possibly revisit this later” and slowly, quietly leave.

In the past I would be so shell shocked and defensive that I would holler back in defense or slam her door as I left.