Relationship talk with my ex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello Bpd family

I had a text conversation with my ex today, regarding our relationship and reconciling which didn't go well..

I was wondering if I could share the messages with anyone in private? I don't wanna post them on here because he might find it and be upset

I'd be happy to hear if I could've handled this situation any better and how to proceed

Thank you a lot...

[TheExFiancee]

Hello Bpd family

I had a text conversation with my ex today, regarding our relationship and reconciling which didn't go well..

I was wondering if I could share the messages with anyone in private? I don't wanna post them on here because he might find it and be upset

I'd be happy to hear if I could've handled this situation any better and how to proceed

Thank you a lot...

[Rev]

Sure - I'll take a stab.  Are you looking to see or understand anything in particular?

[TheExFiancee]

Thank you, Rev, for getting back to me so soon, I am happy to talk to someone about this mess of a situation

Today was the first time in 3 years that he actually told me that he doesn't consider reconciliation because of the distance between us

All I want to know is if I handled things right and what I can do to maybe get another chance with him still

[once removed]

I was wondering if I could share the messages with anyone in private? I don't wanna post them on here because he might find it and be upset

while the PM feature is available for everyone, its really best to keep our stories and support on the boards, if you want to fully utilize the "support" aspect of BPDFamily as a support group.

otherwise, its hard for others to keep up with our stories and chime in, and the support and feedback youre getting is limited to one take.

if youre hesitant to post the messages verbatim (lots of members have done this without consequence), why not just give us the jist?

Today was the first time in 3 years that he actually told me that he doesn't consider reconciliation because of the distance between us

this is a big development. did you initiate the conversation?

[TheExFiancee]

Hello once removed,

English is not my first language but his, so I'm always scared of not expressing things right if I don't use his words

Yes, I initiated it

He told me what he wants to do in his self isolation time (we are from Europe) and mentioned that he wanted to work on himself as a person

I asked him what he thought he gotta change
And he told me that he wasn't treating his exes right in his past relationships, he doesn't handle rejection well and must stop with his outbursts of emotions (I admire his awareness)
He also mentioned that he wasn't giving enough in a relationship

That's where I told him that I can't speak for his other exes but that in OUR relationship he gave a lot and that I didn't have any other meaningful relationship after ours because he spoilt me and won't settle for less now.
I told him it was good he wanted to work on himself, but I hope he realises what he has to offer.

I also told him he was right with a few things and that we could've mended our relationship of we listened to each other more and didn't get lost in emotions. But the was on BOTH of us and I don't blame him.

I then reminded him of the letter I sent him 2 months ago, where I asked him about working things out like we planned last year.
I said I remember that he said he can't be with anyone right now because he's still grieving his ex and their child.
I told him I'm still ready to give him his time and I'm there for him, I'd be happy if he came to me when he's ready though.

(His social media was full of posts about dates with new people and wanting a a long happy relationship, so his answer about working things out which I got 2 months ago, didn't add up anymore, so I was looking for an answer without losing my cool and telling him he's a lier) ;)

His answer then was that he's happy that we're friends but he won't make the same mistake of going back to an ex because it didn't work for him before with the other ex.

I answered that I understood he's trying to learn from bad experiences, still we're broken up for 3 years and grew as persons. That he should consider giving someone a chance who regrets what happened. I have been in therapy and got my side clean, I told him. The main issue between us is out of the way.

He then said the long distance situation doesn't meet his needs. So that chapter is closed for him.

I answered that I understand that is difficult for him. That I hope he knows though that it wouldn't be like that forever and that I would consider moving to his country as well.

He NEVER before told me that the distance was an issue. And I never before told him that I would be ready to move to him as well, it was always him telling me he'd come and live with me in the past, which I understand is very difficult.
I then told him I was thankful about our friendship too and I know he's needing his time now anyway, so I wanna leave it at that. He left me on read.

I see that I argued way too much, but after all these years I needed to get that out, that he actually is that important to me and that I'm ready to fight for us. That one should fight when you really love each other.

I didn't expect a positive answer at all, I just hope having this in mind might help him in the future.


What I've then seen last night on social media were posts about "never being good though for anyone" again.
I think that he got rejected by his last date, that's what it sounded like, so I picked the worst time for a conversation like this.

I hope that in a few months from here, he'll give it a think. His posts made me feel worthless though, because while saying that nobody wants him, he's completely denying my existence. And I don't know if there's a better way of saying I LOVE YOU, than telling someone I'd give up my stable life here to be with you in a country I have nothing in but YOU and you and our love are worth it.

I'm praying that this is helpful in the long run. I see how much I must've smothered him by all these pros though when what he clearly said was NO.

[TheExFiancee]

The conversation is 2 days ago and I didn't hear from him since.

I'd be happy about guidence in what to do to safe this friendship.
I miss talking to him.

[once removed]

your friendship isnt over. hes not denying your existence.

he just finds this awkward and hard to navigate. he feels the push toward a romantic relationship. as hard as it is to hear, hes telling you thats not possible.

and after doing that, he doesnt know how to respond, or where to go with it.

I'd be happy about guidence in what to do to safe this friendship.
I miss talking to him.

the best way to go about that is to give him a lot of space. let him come to you when hes comfortable.

[TheExFiancee]

I gave him space and after a few days I decided to send him a light message.

Something that would make it easier for me to stay away without thinking I am not treating things right.

He reached out a few days afterwards as he had a reason. The event we planned for May was postponed so we sent a few messages back and forth regarding this.
Then he asked if I was okay and when I asked him he said that he was.
I told him to keep staying safe and he didn't get back to me since.

This is a few days ago again.

On social media I found out that he is not doing well at all. Someone new rejected him and he is suffering and partly deleting social media again.

I don't know if I should give even more space now or if checking in is wanted.
He seems like he is trying to get my attention with that behaviour.
I miss our daily chats, knowing he is up to nothing all day because of the whole corona crisis. Still he's not texting me.
He might be thinking the same thing about me? He always sais I don't care About him and I don't want him to think that right now. I care so much.
Maybe a light message would help us reconnect.

The past months it always had to be me to go fight for our friendship. I am scared he is letting go if I don't.
What do you think?

[once removed]

What do you think?

i think this is probably a case of "absence makes the heart grow fonder"

you arent putting yourself in an attractive light or giving him any reason to miss you.

[TheExFiancee]

Hello once removed and everyone reading this

We got our friendship back... the past few days we've been chatting a bit

Now I'm standing in front of the next "problem".. he partly deleted his social media, partly started new accounts

Now I gave it a few days, then used an excuse to tell him that I've noticed his account was gone. I followed the new one..
He keeps using it and talking to other people, follows our mutual friends.. but not me

This sounds so petty, I know I should just be happy that we're back on speaking terms.. still..

This breaks my heart because it's the platform on which we got to each other...

[thejimmy]

Hey TheExFiancee,

It seems that you are way more invested in this relationship than he is. You are putting way too much effort into making this work while he doesn't really seem to care.

You have to move on... you are clinging on to the breadcrumbs he is giving you. For your own sake and peace of mind... please remember there was a time before you needed his validation. You were okay without him. And you can get there again, but you have to let go. Fully.

What is driving you? Why do you need this relationship so badly? Would it be that bad if you didn't have this relationship?