Feeling sad but trying to move forward

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Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I'm about a month post-breakup and was so relieved to discover this site. I always knew that my ~1 year relationship was full of drama, but now reading all of the information here helps me put the pieces together. I wondered many times if he possibly had NPD (and I think he does have at least a little of that) but it never quite fit. BPD helps explain it all.

I need to get a little bit of my story out here just to feel less alone and crazy. Forgive the length.

The start of our relationship maybe didn't fit the typical pattern - he didn't shower me with affection, and I felt initially like the progression to becoming exclusive was pretty "normal." I think in retrospect this was because he had so much other drama going on in his life and was still very emotionally entangled with his (soon to be) ex wife, with whom he was in the process of a nasty divorce. (With both his ex-wife and his ex-gf who he lived with for 5 years, he moved in with them within a couple of months). But he did quickly latch onto me - he relied on me as his emotional support system, talking for hours about his ex and what he had gone through with her (he claims, and I still believe based on what I observed myself, that she is a very abusive NPD). He would drop in little comments about how thankful he was to finally have someone who understood, who would listen, etc. I remember one of his texts said something like "Just having someone like you in my life makes it feel like everything will be ok." This totally sucked me in (I knew before but know even more now how strong my own codependent tendencies are)

My expwBPD (forgive me, still getting the abbreviations down) is also disabled from a chronic autoimmune disease. I think him being sick allowed me to initially feel "ok" with taking on a lot - I jumped into caretaker mode really quickly because he was so sympathetic. I couldn't resist being the person to help "save him" when he had been so abused and mistreated by so many people and was so alone.

We had some arguments from the beginning, and even those would leave me feeling somewhat confused. But they were mild and we seemed to work them out. For awhile it seemed like everything was great - we were in love, took a romantic trip for the weekend (which I paid for - because of his financial situation, I paid for probably 80-90% of what we did). I would bring up things I needed from him and he would listen and was responsive and sweet. I felt so optimistic. He wanted our kids to meet really early on, and always wanted to spend time together with the 6 of us. From very early on, he would talk about things we would do well into the future, which always gave me this great feeling of security and commitment that I guess I was really craving.

After we had been dating about 6 months, the "bad" fights started. I'm someone who is really conflict-averse myself (working on that) and these yelling matches were very traumatic for me. I second-guessed myself, though, thinking that maybe it was just that I didn't know how to fight. I had been married for 12 years and my exh and I never fought, which was one of our problems.

Anyway, expwBPD wasn't ever someone who was directly abusive or critical in his words. He was very subtle and emotionally manipulative in how he would say things. He'd say and do things that hurt me a lot but then make me feel crazy if I tried to bring it up. He would turn totally contemptuous when we fought but wouldn't directly insult me - it was always turned back on himself. "I guess I'm just not good enough for you" kind of thing. He always had a way of turning it around to be something I misunderstood, where I was being mean, etc. He's super charismatic with a very strong personality, and I've not been someone who is very confident in my own feelings in these situations, so I would end up apologizing to him, even if I felt he had attacked me.

I'm sure you can all recognize and relate to the pattern. Things just got worse over the next few months. It seemed like every time we were supposed to have a happy occasion - a weekend away, my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, it would somehow end up in a totally unexpected blowout fight. I would be traumatized and he would be fine 10 minutes later and want to have sex. My kids were around during a couple of these fights and this gave me huge anxiety - I knew this wasn't an example I wanted to set for them, and some of our fights were actually about them, which was even worse. He felt they weren't warm and loving enough towards him, which secretly I felt was totally childish for a 51-year old man.

He was always soo concerned about people liking him. He'd go on and on about a slight from someone who bumped into him at the grocery store, or his neighbors who excluded him from get togethers. He worried about whether his attorney liked him, and even about his ex! He feels like SO many people hate him, are mean to him, have abandoned him, etc.

What finally got me to leave was that we went out one night in January with a friend of his, and he got into a huge fight with his friend. This was at a bar, and he was screaming with rage in his friend's face. It was really upsetting for me, and I felt like for the first time I could view his behavior somewhat objectively because it wasn't me in the middle of the fight. (BTW, a lot of our fights happened in public, which was really humiliating for me - I found it so embarrassing to be in a yelling match in public. It's so not me at all.)

He didn't see any problem at all with his behavior, and in fact was angry that I hadn't been more supportive ("I really needed a friend"). I broke up with him but then we had some back and forth over the next month, and didn't end things for real until late February. I saw that he was already on the dating sites a week or two later, and now is already sending some other woman music playlists (I can see his Spotify account but now am actively working on not looking at it!) That was seriously a punch in the gut.

I feel like I gave absolutely everything to this person, who I truly loved. He was such a taker, which was always so confusing to me - I couldn't understand how someone could be SO needy and could take and take and take and seem to feel no shame about it. It was never enough for him. I gave him money for his attorney, gave him a beautiful watch for his bday, etc - he gave me a tshirt for mine.
Despite all this, I still feel like I can see the really good parts in him, and it makes me so sad how things ended up. It makes me sad for him that he is like this, and probably won't change. I'm sad for his kids, who have 2 parents with serious issues.

And I'm sad for myself. I'd like to be able to get more angry. I think my temporary anger after our fight in Jan was what helped me leave and I'm thankful for that. As terrible as this time feels right now (and boy, with being stuck inside with Covid it's awful! I'm normally very social with lots of friends, so this is taking away some of my normal coping), I know logically that I have to move forward for myself and my kids. I'm determined to use this as an opportunity to move through some of my own stuff - I know I have a lot to work on!

Trying to give myself compassion as I miss so many things about him. This breakup has just really devastated me in a way I haven't known before. Thank you for "listening."

[l8kgrl]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I'm about a month post-breakup and was so relieved to discover this site. I always knew that my ~1 year relationship was full of drama, but now reading all of the information here helps me put the pieces together. I wondered many times if he possibly had NPD (and I think he does have at least a little of that) but it never quite fit. BPD helps explain it all.

I need to get a little bit of my story out here just to feel less alone and crazy. Forgive the length.

The start of our relationship maybe didn't fit the typical pattern - he didn't shower me with affection, and I felt initially like the progression to becoming exclusive was pretty "normal." I think in retrospect this was because he had so much other drama going on in his life and was still very emotionally entangled with his (soon to be) ex wife, with whom he was in the process of a nasty divorce. (With both his ex-wife and his ex-gf who he lived with for 5 years, he moved in with them within a couple of months). But he did quickly latch onto me - he relied on me as his emotional support system, talking for hours about his ex and what he had gone through with her (he claims, and I still believe based on what I observed myself, that she is a very abusive NPD). He would drop in little comments about how thankful he was to finally have someone who understood, who would listen, etc. I remember one of his texts said something like "Just having someone like you in my life makes it feel like everything will be ok." This totally sucked me in (I knew before but know even more now how strong my own codependent tendencies are)

My expwBPD (forgive me, still getting the abbreviations down) is also disabled from a chronic autoimmune disease. I think him being sick allowed me to initially feel "ok" with taking on a lot - I jumped into caretaker mode really quickly because he was so sympathetic. I couldn't resist being the person to help "save him" when he had been so abused and mistreated by so many people and was so alone.

We had some arguments from the beginning, and even those would leave me feeling somewhat confused. But they were mild and we seemed to work them out. For awhile it seemed like everything was great - we were in love, took a romantic trip for the weekend (which I paid for - because of his financial situation, I paid for probably 80-90% of what we did). I would bring up things I needed from him and he would listen and was responsive and sweet. I felt so optimistic. He wanted our kids to meet really early on, and always wanted to spend time together with the 6 of us. From very early on, he would talk about things we would do well into the future, which always gave me this great feeling of security and commitment that I guess I was really craving.

After we had been dating about 6 months, the "bad" fights started. I'm someone who is really conflict-averse myself (working on that) and these yelling matches were very traumatic for me. I second-guessed myself, though, thinking that maybe it was just that I didn't know how to fight. I had been married for 12 years and my exh and I never fought, which was one of our problems.

Anyway, expwBPD wasn't ever someone who was directly abusive or critical in his words. He was very subtle and emotionally manipulative in how he would say things. He'd say and do things that hurt me a lot but then make me feel crazy if I tried to bring it up. He would turn totally contemptuous when we fought but wouldn't directly insult me - it was always turned back on himself. "I guess I'm just not good enough for you" kind of thing. He always had a way of turning it around to be something I misunderstood, where I was being mean, etc. He's super charismatic with a very strong personality, and I've not been someone who is very confident in my own feelings in these situations, so I would end up apologizing to him, even if I felt he had attacked me.

I'm sure you can all recognize and relate to the pattern. Things just got worse over the next few months. It seemed like every time we were supposed to have a happy occasion - a weekend away, my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, it would somehow end up in a totally unexpected blowout fight. I would be traumatized and he would be fine 10 minutes later and want to have sex. My kids were around during a couple of these fights and this gave me huge anxiety - I knew this wasn't an example I wanted to set for them, and some of our fights were actually about them, which was even worse. He felt they weren't warm and loving enough towards him, which secretly I felt was totally childish for a 51-year old man.

He was always soo concerned about people liking him. He'd go on and on about a slight from someone who bumped into him at the grocery store, or his neighbors who excluded him from get togethers. He worried about whether his attorney liked him, and even about his ex! He feels like SO many people hate him, are mean to him, have abandoned him, etc.

What finally got me to leave was that we went out one night in January with a friend of his, and he got into a huge fight with his friend. This was at a bar, and he was screaming with rage in his friend's face. It was really upsetting for me, and I felt like for the first time I could view his behavior somewhat objectively because it wasn't me in the middle of the fight. (BTW, a lot of our fights happened in public, which was really humiliating for me - I found it so embarrassing to be in a yelling match in public. It's so not me at all.)

He didn't see any problem at all with his behavior, and in fact was angry that I hadn't been more supportive ("I really needed a friend"). I broke up with him but then we had some back and forth over the next month, and didn't end things for real until late February. I saw that he was already on the dating sites a week or two later, and now is already sending some other woman music playlists (I can see his Spotify account but now am actively working on not looking at it!) That was seriously a punch in the gut.

I feel like I gave absolutely everything to this person, who I truly loved. He was such a taker, which was always so confusing to me - I couldn't understand how someone could be SO needy and could take and take and take and seem to feel no shame about it. It was never enough for him. I gave him money for his attorney, gave him a beautiful watch for his bday, etc - he gave me a tshirt for mine.
Despite all this, I still feel like I can see the really good parts in him, and it makes me so sad how things ended up. It makes me sad for him that he is like this, and probably won't change. I'm sad for his kids, who have 2 parents with serious issues.

And I'm sad for myself. I'd like to be able to get more angry. I think my temporary anger after our fight in Jan was what helped me leave and I'm thankful for that. As terrible as this time feels right now (and boy, with being stuck inside with Covid it's awful! I'm normally very social with lots of friends, so this is taking away some of my normal coping), I know logically that I have to move forward for myself and my kids. I'm determined to use this as an opportunity to move through some of my own stuff - I know I have a lot to work on!

Trying to give myself compassion as I miss so many things about him. This breakup has just really devastated me in a way I haven't known before. Thank you for "listening."

[truthbeknown]

I understand the "taking part" of bpd really well now.  After my breakup,  I started focusing on my business.  I met a woman who invited me to a networking group.  I could tell she seemed to have some issues but I wanted to go to the networking event anyway.  After a couple of weeks, she was acting like I was her best friend and then announced that she was getting "kicked out" of her home.  She lived in someone elses house and the story kept evolving.  I actually allowed myself to get talked into helping her because I have been in low points of my life and people helped me.  I wanted to pay it forward. 

What I found out once I showed up is the woman who apparently "just locked me out for no reason" had a good reason.  This person was a hoarder.  She was renting a room, a single room and was trying to fit a whole household in there.  She had 4 animals and tons of stuff.  After assessing the situation, I realized that there was more to the story then she was telling me.  I immediately (from being in relationships with bpd women) understood what was going on.  She was telling this victim story but forgot to mention that she was a horder.  On top of that,  she enlisted the help of a new person to let her live in her guest house.  This woman was so generous that she brought a moving truck and two helpers to help woman A.    Was woman A, the one who I decided to help,  grateful for the help?  Nope- all she could do was focus on how I shouldn't talk to the lady who was throwing her out,  and what stuff she was going to put in the new place.   The helper person said, "you can't bring all this stuff into my house, you are going to have to put it in storage."   Woman A got very angry and dysfunctional about this and started complaining to me.  I told her that she might want to have some respect for the other persons boundaries because they were being kind enough to let her have a place to live (with 4 pets!).    There was NO detectable level of appreciation.

Lesson:  like you I got to see this from a 3rd party perspective and it really hit home that people with personality disorders love to play victim and can't see how their behavior effects anyone.  She honestly couldn't see that she was / is a horder and that the the other person was just having reasonable boundaries.  When the boundaries were crossed, the women who owned the previous dwelling changed the locks and asked police to escort  or be present during the move.  I can understand why now.  And to top it off, the woman I was helping thinks she is going to sue the homeowner.   (painting black).   

after that I distanced myself from her.  However, she still has tried to enmesh with me.  When I don't she says, "is there something wrong because you aren't returning my messages right away." 

Having contact with a person who is not a romantic partner with bpd taught me a lot and perhaps helped relieve my brain of the dynamic and thinking that I did something wrong by walking away from my ex.

It just sucks that I was super attracted to my ex and loved that we spent a lot of time bonding etc.

I like many other people know that I dodged a bullet but I still secretly hope there is a cure for people with this affliction.  If you read my other post in here, I thought that hers was related to addiction but maybe the addiction is related to the bpd?  ugh.  anyway,  I just thought I would share because I relate and I wish there was a dating site for non's who come out of relationships with bpd people.

Someone recently told me though that she married a narcisist and she believes good woman are attracted to "bad boys" and good boys are attracted to "bad girls"  on a subconscious level.  She said the trick was finding one that doesn't put you over the edge.   She said hers helped her in her business and that if she had been with a normal dude then that might not have given her the focus or impetous to focus on her business? 

interesting dynamics.  I'm asking a lot of questions about that now because I've met some low conflict women and they just seem boring and there isn't that attractive factor for me.  Perhaps i'm conditioned to the enmeshment?   let me know your thoughts.

[l8kgrl]

Truthbeknown, that's interesting, and yes, I'm sure seeing someone like that as a friend/acquaintance rather than a romantic partner gives a whole different perspective! Glad you were able to remove yourself before getting more involved.

I'm no expert, but your question about being attracted to "bad boys"/"bad girls" is one I've thought about a lot and talked to my best friend about a lot. I think a lot of what we call attraction/chemistry is really just our conditioning from our own childhood/past. Somehow, subconsciously, we are attracted to people who somehow fit with our old wounds. I do believe, though, that as we evolve and heal, not just from BPD experience but as we grow in general, that we may be attracted to people who are healthier for us. I have to hope for that!

Other than this latest ex-bf, and one other guy from long ago in my past, the other people I've been in relationships with, including my ex-husband, have not been nearly as dysfunctional but have still in some way or another fit with old emotional patterns for me.

I have to hope that we can move towards something better in the future - I definitely don't want to lose myself like this again. But I think it takes a lot of self-examination and work. For me, developing much stronger boundaries is a big part of that.

What do you think?

[truthbeknown]

Truthbeknown, that's interesting, and yes, I'm sure seeing someone like that as a friend/acquaintance rather than a romantic partner gives a whole different perspective! Glad you were able to remove yourself before getting more involved.

I'm no expert, but your question about being attracted to "bad boys"/"bad girls" is one I've thought about a lot and talked to my best friend about a lot. I think a lot of what we call attraction/chemistry is really just our conditioning from our own childhood/past. Somehow, subconsciously, we are attracted to people who somehow fit with our old wounds. I do believe, though, that as we evolve and heal, not just from BPD experience but as we grow in general, that we may be attracted to people who are healthier for us. I have to hope for that!

Other than this latest ex-bf, and one other guy from long ago in my past, the other people I've been in relationships with, including my ex-husband, have not been nearly as dysfunctional but have still in some way or another fit with old emotional patterns for me.

I have to hope that we can move towards something better in the future - I definitely don't want to lose myself like this again. But I think it takes a lot of self-examination and work. For me, developing much stronger boundaries is a big part of that.

What do you think?

I think that I have come to a realization that what I thought were boundaries for another person are two fold and that there is also having boundaries for myself.   There is definitely a part of me that loves the underdog and sees peoples insufficiencies and cuts a lot of slack for them.  I have a mother that I believe has a personality disorder because she is unable to have empathy for anyone and also has OCD so she obsesses over everyone's weakness.   So subconsciously I have identified that I overcompensate the other direction and have massive amounts of empathy for others. However, in my last two relationships I have done a much better job with boundaries for the other person but i'm coming to an awareness that perhaps I didn't have boundaries for the part of me that longed to be loved and was susceptible to allowing a partner who "love bombed" me to come into my world because that part really needed or wanted that love.  In some way,  I have also learned about my own projections.  See with bpd we all learn how they project their negative stuff onto us but very little is talked about in regard to what we do to them.   I can only speak for myself (for others it may just be a theory) but I realize that I project positive, hopeful thoughts and beliefs onto my partners who have had bpd.  It's almost like a counter measure for when the missiles are being fired at me but there comes a point in a relationship with a bpd person that you run out of countermeasures.  you're not always going to be armed to fight off their missiles and attacks.  I think i'm learning to forgive myself and cut myself slack like I would for them and realize that i'm only human and have my breaking points too.   All and all, knowing logically what went wrong wasn't completely helping me.   I am enrolled in a program right now that is helping me heal my subconscious patterns and I am hoping that in the future I will be able to feel strong enough not to get pulled into to attractions just based on physical or lower chakra energy.  I am looking for a person who is healthy enough to be introspective and to be willing to work on themselves if needed and hopefully they already have by the time we meet as I am doing the same. 

[l8kgrl]

Yep, totally relate to that - projecting positive qualities onto the other person. My kids did not like my ex, my family didn't like him. I somehow chose to see only the good things and to discount and excuse the bad. So I understand what you're saying.

I also really like your point about the other person willing to be introspective and self-aware about their own stuff. Wishing you peace and healing so you can find what you're looking for, within and without.

[truthbeknown]

you too!  Good luck out there