HELP — I’ve unleashed the beast, so to speak

[UBPDHelp]

TODAY:

am sorry to take a u-turn, this may be a new thread.

I am shaking.

He finally came down. I said hello and trying to come from a better place of understanding, I just put my hand on his shoulder. He writhed away as if I poured acid on him. He was like don’t do that. This is over.

I did terribly because he’s been in his own world so caught off guard that we were back at this.

He’s like we’re getting divorced and we’re over.

I asked one time for him to stop.  He didn’t so I left the room.

I sat in the family room and continued to watch my show. He followed and demanded the remote. I said I was watching my show but when it was done we could watch something else. He demanded it and I said no, I am watching this. He took another remote and turned just the tv off.  Then said never mind, turned it back on, threw his coffee all over the couch and wall, walked to other side of the room and broke a decoration. It was his so, oh well. 

Then he stormed back to our room.

What now?

I didn’t mean to escalate it. I really didn’t. I am so bad at this.

I did not think it was unreasonable to finish the show I was watching (like 20 mins) BUT I did say I wouldn’t make this boundary during pandemic, but I also felt that he was just being mean again and so why do I have to anything just because he wants me too if he’s leaving?

I feel like I’ve failed, again.

(Above from my other thread).

[UBPDHelp]

Now, had lunch with everyone but him. Set a place but he didn’t come.

Ate with kiddos and cleaned up, but I left his plate out (thought he might come down separately b/c that’s what he’s done before).

About 45 mins after we finished, he came down and I heard a loud crash and then he walked out of the kitchen with a cup of tea.

He took the plate I left out from him and threw it in the sink, broken in pieces.

Intimidation, no doubt. We have no where to go. Do I call the police and have him taken away? Call his family and let them know he’s losing it and to get him (so he has a place to stay)?

Do I tell him if he breaks one more thing, I will call the cops?  This is so out of my comfort zone.

I was minding my own business.

I’m tired.

[I Am Redeemed]

I would not involve his family with the purpose of finding him somewhere else to stay.

Breaking things is a form of domestic violence.

I am not sure I would tell him that you will call the police if he breaks one more thing. My concern is that he will turn his violence towards you if you tell him this. If you decide to call the police, I would call them from a safe distance from him (like go outside and call them).

I also would urge you to speak with a domestic violence hotline. You can go online to https://www.thehotline.org/ and do an online chat with an advocate.

[UBPDHelp]

Thanks I am Redeemed.

I won’t involve anyone for now. I would like him to leave at this point, but no where to go, except he has family about an hour away so that was why I suggested that.

I have allowed myself to alienate my family and the only person left is my sister across the country. We haven’t had a r/s in years so I truly have no where to go.

And, I’d obviously rather not involve police but that may change.

I didn’t know if telling him the consequence if he continued breaking things would get him to see he should stop. Stated boundary. I believe it would only serve to escalate so will refrain unless he continues with the violence.

Thank you for sharing resources. I will keep them handy.

Bless you for your reply.

[Ozzie101]

I’m so sorry, UBPDHelp. These are difficult times for everyone and it sounds like your H isn’t handling it well — to put it mildly.

I echo Redeemed’s concern and hope you will reach out to the DV hotline. I don’t want to alarm or overwhelm you but I’m speaking from experience.

My H got into an explosive phase where he would break things and become physically intimidating. At the urging of members here, I called a DV agency. Until then I think I was in denial about what was going on. Speaking to an expert was immensely helpful for my state of mind. I felt supported and reassured and they helped me come up with a safety plan. It’s what they’re trained for. I have never needed the safety plan, but just having one and knowing some guidelines for safety means a lot.

Please keep us posted. We’re here.

[Cat Familiar]

Perhaps it’s time for you to emotionally disengage from his reactions. Give him extra space. Don’t try to “fix” anything or “repair” your communications at this time. Initiate nothing with him. Let him come around on his own timeframe, or not.

When pwBPD are dysregulating, they are not fully capable of being polite, normal, healthy human beings. Let him do whatever he needs to do to reset emotionally and leave him be in the meantime.

[UBPDHelp]

Thanks Ozzie,

These are definitely difficult times for ALL.  He thinks it’s only happening to him.

But, I am the lucky painted black recipient. He is so sweet to everyone else, I am the source of his unhappiness. It is not a responsibility I want and it is not true, anyway.

My kids are very aware of his black/white. I guess they are smarter than I am. Now that I realize how much they are aware of and how he’s now behaving, I feel I have no choice to be done.

Obviously sitting tight for the next month, but maybe it’s a blessing to prepare. I have found a high conflict attorney that I am trying to get the nerve to call, but at least in my back pocket.

The truth is that I don’t want to live with the turmoil and he’s really pushing the cons far and above the pros. It’s really getting clear it’s not worth it.

Ozzie, thank you. Sending  your way!

[UBPDHelp]

Thanks Cat,

I have disengaged and have not reacted to his outbursts. Some because I know it will give him satisfaction and some b/c I’m too tired to fight this battle. Where’s the upside?  I’m a whore vs a slut? 

Anything nice I like, he’ll destroy, literally or figuratively?

I will sleep in the family room and go about my usual. He will avoid me at all cost and I am good with that.

Regardless of this turmoil, I appreciate your advice and willingness to help. Bless you.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi UBPDHelp,

Ozzie and Cat have made some good suggestions. Perhaps you can take this time in preparing and work out what a safety plan for you would look like. As Ozzie said, you may never need it, but it's good to have one in place in the event of a crisis that is immediately threatening to you.

Here is a link to our Safety first DV plan so you can get an idea of what a safety plan entails. See if this helps you to think about what kinds of things you would need to do to prepare should you ever experience an immediate threat to your safety.

I also wanted to link you to this thread on Abuse Recovery and the Duluth Model. It may give you some more insight into what you may be experiencing.

[formflier]

Please find private time to call the 911 center (don't call 911) and find out if they have "text to 911".

https://www.fcc.gov/consumers/guides/what-you-need-know-about-text-911

I also think you should place a call or two in to DV shelters.  Mask the numbers in your phone (enter them with a weird name that will only make sense to you)

I would suggest you leave him alone and stop doing things for (or to) him.  It's not your fault he threw the plate.  However, we don't know what he would have done if there was no plate left out for him.

It appears to me that any act of kindness is a trigger.

Best,

FF

[UBPDHelp]

Thanks I Am Redeemed,

I will work on the DV Plan. I mentioned on another thread, I hide my keys and purse every night. Wasn’t so much for an escape, but just felt H is intrusive and didn’t want him rummaging through my stuff. I’m a pretty straight and narrow person, but weird control things I either got used to or lied to myself that it wasn’t controlling and I didn’t want to listen to him if I, say went to the mall or grabbed a bite to eat.

It’s really telling how “saying” that out loud makes it really stand out. It was never “you can’t go to the mall” but more “why are you going to the mall?  That’s not necessary.”  Or, “do it this way instead.”

Anyway working on a plan.

And upping my job search. No one’s hiring and everything is remote, which I’ve done for years. It’s a goal right now because if I could secure something it would allow me to just go when we can start moving about. Besides caring for my sanity and my kiddos, this is my number one goal.

I’m just giving him all the space he needs. It’s crazy, he’s on a whole other level of the house and I can hear the TV everywhere. Control? Maybe. But I also think it goes back to last month’s thread on TV volume. Rings true.

Anyway, plan in the making. I also read the Duluth model thread.  Check, check, check. Excuses, excuses, excuses, lying to myself.

Picked a great time to upheave my life but in some ways seems just as good as any.

Thank you for the continued support!

[UBPDHelp]

Please find private time to call the 911 center (don't call 911) and find out if they have "text to 911".

https://www.fcc.gov/consumers/guides/what-you-need-know-about-text-911

I also think you should place a call or two in to DV shelters.  Mask the numbers in your phone (enter them with a weird name that will only make sense to you)

I would suggest you leave him alone and stop doing things for (or to) him.  It's not your fault he threw the plate.  However, we don't know what he would have done if there was no plate left out for him.

It appears to me that any act of kindness is a trigger.

I will check into the text 911 and will get my contacts in order. Very familiar with the local DV centers.

It is true that I don’t know what he would have done if he didn’t have a plate to break. The second one was with zero interaction. Hadn’t seen or spoken to him in hours. He just saw I left it out for him so he broke it.

I’ve just had enough. He will never change.

Left alone and staying that way.

Have you seen a theme of doing things for him as a trigger?   

Again, I can never thank you enough for your unwavering support FF. I literally have tears in my eyes of gratitude...and some dismay that a total stranger would care more about me than my own husband and the father of my children.

Thank you.
 

[formflier]

I’ve just had enough. He will never change.
 
 

He may or may not change.  Big breath here...it matters much more that you change.

Let me say it again and add...that you change and your change is "consistent" and you don't "give in" when he tries to get the old you back.

That's why it's very important for YOU to think your moves through (as much as possible)

Remember to keep your cell phone charged.  Don't lay it down.  Where will your phone be when you sleep?

Best,

FF

[UBPDHelp]

My phone is charged. I‘lol send you a private message and get your thoughts on where I keep it at night.

I am not wavering. I really just long for peace and I will never get it. We all know life throws curve balls, I’ve certainly had my share, but I feel like I’m running a marathon and playing dodge ball at the same time.

I worry about the toll the next month will take and hope he’ll just stay away. If not, I do have concern about him getting too out of control. For now he is content staying away from me. He’s “charming” the kids. My oldest knows what he’s like and has a hard time when he gets mad at him, but is also the closest with him. I think it’s self preservation to get along with him. Pathetic I’ve allowed my kids to be wrapped up in this, but I do think it’s important for now they continue as is.

My middle two have always kept more to themselves. They didn’t want to be around discord. Another tremendous failure on my part. My youngest is blissfully unaware.

And I do understand about consistency. I have negatively reinforced no less than a hundred bad behaviors to keep the peace. I really feel that the extent to undo half of it is insurmountable. Even his most charming self is not enough enticement to get me to even want to try at this point.

My efforts are best spent on getting out and finding the way to support myself. But, I will keep my distance and hold my boundaries.

Thank you FF.

[UBPDHelp]

Sorry FF, can’t send you a message.

I have a reachable, safe spot I can quickly get to at night.

I turn off my ringer so he can’t call me to find it or it doesn’t ping when I get a message. Basically I want him to think I left it in the kitchen or something.

That said, open to any suggestions.

Thank you!

[Turkish]

UBPDHelp,

What emotion do you feel which makes you hesitant to call a DV helpline? The calls are anonymous and you don't need to do anything other than talk and have someone listen to you 

[UBPDHelp]

Hi Turkish,

I feel a lot of things.

Scared — no turning back, no where for either us to go (and with my kids)
Scared — want out but no means to support myself and so much uncertainty right now
Sadness — how could this be my life
Sadness — how did I let this happen to my kids
Tired
Tired — know there will be a battle when we divorce, know he will twist and lie and I’m so depleted
Remorse — for whatever part I’ve played in where we are
Questioning — what could I have done differently and would it have mattered

Still working out the other feelings.

I think I just haven’t completely landed on acceptance that this is where I am.

These are all the emotions I have about making the call to a lawyer as well. Once I do, it becomes real and then I have to make actual decisions that I do not feel emotionally ready (or physically/financially) ready to make.

He does not regularly break things, he’s much more verbally intimidating (which I know is abuse), but it’s definitely not the first time either.

He’s stayed away the rest of the day and I slept in another room. It’s possible, but likely unrealistic, we could mostly stay apart.

Would it be prudent to decide to wait unless he breaks one more thing? A large part of me thinks he may just stay away as he wants a divorce. Maybe I’m being unrealistic.

Thank you Turkish for your help.

[babyducks]

I'm very sorry that you have to go through this UBPDHelp.   Please be gentle with yourself.  You have a lot going on, and a lot of feelings will surface.    That's very okay.    Let them pass through like a rain shower.     You are a smart talented woman - you'll get through this.    It is going to take some time.     It's going to be a process.

I too want to encourage you to visit the DV hotline online chat.     They make it quite simple.    I did it years and years ago when one particular fight became violent.      It was an eye opening experience for me.    and one of the better things I did for myself.   

Hang in there.    I will be thinking about you.

'ducks

[formflier]

UBPDhelp

Please find time today to make a call to the DV shelter.   

Now is a time to keep things simple.

1.  Give him space
2.  Focus on being kind to yourself
3.  Make the call.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Tired — know there will be a battle when we divorce, know he will twist and lie and I’m so depleted
 

UBPDHelp

We've got your back!  Most of us (certainly I did) believed our r/s was over and the break up was going to be horrible, yet the truth is we don't know the future.  Standing up for yourself doesn't assure divorce.

Best,

FF

[UBPDHelp]

Thanks BabyDucks,

Making the call takes a lot of courage. It’s courage I’m not sure I have but I’ll try.  I’m glad you were able to when you needed to.

I so wish I had the means to take my kids and just go. It is so much more uncertain now. I hate myself for not trusting my gut on a 1000 things and instead trusted he had our best interest at heart. I am a fool for that.

Thank you so much for your support.

[UBPDHelp]

Morning FF,

I am giving him space. I have no intention of engaging and will go about my usual.

I am vigorously searching for a new job. The world is laughing at me, but I continue on.

I will try to reach out to DV hotline.



My H is in an adjoining field which has also held me back some. Fear that he will find out and since his image is so very important to him, this could escalate his behavior tremendously.  I may be off on this, but I need to think it through. I have not been at this threshold before (even if I should have been).

He’s staying away but trying to bait me.

He loudly watches tv, nothing new, but my son was with him for some and it was gregarious laughing and chatting. What a good time he’s having without me. I just wanted him to be quiet so the rest of us could sleep.

He ordered movies, which he has no way to pay for and will just run up the bill. I’ve debated canceling that ability, but fear that might also set him off. We all ate a dinner of leftovers, he didn’t join. When he finally got something to eat, he threw my storage container in the garbage. Just trying to bait me.

So I guess I endure these mini attempts to get a reaction with no reaction.

As for divorce, he has been saying it for a long time. We’ll work on things but then he’ll decide I’m not trying enough and he’ll say it’s over.

He 100% believes he deserves better than me. I think he’s hung up on his hs gf. He stalks her and every pretty girl he knows on Facebook. He checks it constantly. This is not someone who is interested in staying married. I think that he believes his life would be better with her and in order to justify his behavior, I have to be a horrible person. There’s back and side story here that promotes this delusion.  I think he would be surprised. But, it may take her a bit to figure out why she broke up with him 35 years ago. Who knows.

Sure, I hope for a happy marriage, but reality is it’s not likely to happen. He does not handle stress at all. I have to absorb it all and make decisions (some blindly) because he’s checked out.

If I don’t move off my boundaries and give him space and he “sees the light”, what’s the chance this can be better? For how long?

I just want better times for financial security. If it were just me I know I could scrounge for myself. But I have kiddos to support and care for and ensure are taken care of.  Couple years and my younger two could stay home alone for a couple of hours, but not now. All spinning thoughts in my head on a normal day, just adding to the jumble in my head with his behavior.


If his current mini attempts don’t get me to take the bait and he decides to do bigger things — break a tv, for instance — what is my response?

As always, I appreciate your support. I am staying the course.

[formflier]

I am vigorously searching for a new job. The world is laughing at me, but I continue on.

I will try to reach out to DV hotline.

What if you actually had the ability to take the kids and leave, but didn't understand that right now?   How do you think you would think about your future?

My input is that any "vigorous" activity/energy level you have be directed at establishing communications with DV resources in your area.

I'm not downplaying the importance of of job search.  I am trying to help you set short term priorities.

Best,

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

If his current mini attempts don’t get me to take the bait and he decides to do bigger things — break a tv, for instance — what is my response?

These are the kinds of things you can ask the DV hotline and get their input. They are trained to help people work through appropriate responses to threatening/violent/abusive behavior while remaining safe.

[UBPDHelp]

Okay, I will try to make the call. I’ll try to step outside and do it when it seems he is otherwise distracted.

To answer, if I could have a roof over our heads and food for my kids, safety, I would go. I am confident I could get a job under normal circumstances but there is so much uncertainty right now.

So first I’ll put my energy in making the call and then refocus on what falls from that, then job search. 

Inexplicably he went rummaging through my office (home) last night. Left it half disheveled.  It already was a bit as overflow from everyone being home has ended up there. Don’t know what he was looking for but he left disarray enough to notice. May be innocent, may be attempt to unsettle. I don’t really know.

Thank you FF and I Am Redeemed. Steady the path ahead.

[UBPDHelp]

I chatted with the DV hotline. It was nice but mostly stuff I know and what you all have been telling me.

I asked about how to communicate with the breaking things. The DV associate sent a link. Basically it says you can’t.

They also gave me a couple of other links. Idk if they would be helpful to others or if I’m allowed to share them on here.

If someone knows and would like them , lmk and I will share.

The associate confirmed things for my bag and added some obvious that I didn’t state like a charger and money. I packed a small bag and stuff for my kids and pulled birth carts and SS cards for everyone. Trying to figure out the best place to keep it for quick grab if needed.

Was thinking my car but he has keys and occasionally takes my car so that seems kind of risky. He hasn’t left the house in 3 weeks so I pondered slipping my car key of his ring but he leaves his keys out and he may notice it’s missing. I even thought about damaging the key so it wouldn’t work but also seems like a bad idea.

Maybe in the garage. It’s messy right now so I could “lose” it fairly easy.

He’s kept his distance from me today but chatted up kids some. Watching tv loudly on auto play. I’m just doing my own thing.

Thank you all for your help and support. Need to clear my head.

[formflier]

Thank you for making the call!  I feel better...how do you feel?

Did they discuss how and when to call 911?  Have you figured out text to 911?

Did you discuss a place to go?

Best,

FF

[UBPDHelp]

He/she didn’t provide great direction on when to call. May have been my fault as I didn’t directly ask and we chatted for 30-40 minutes and it sort of turned more into a discussion on that this is abuse. More verbal but some physical.

Discussed that it was likely not going to change, is a control tactic, etc.

Mentioned that leaving is most dangerous time. I’m not planning actively to do so for obvious reasons. If he stays away, I’ll stay away.

Offered names of shelters but not ready to do that just yet. Would probably try a hotel for a few days to start. Have another spot in mind. He might figure that out but would have no way to access, so that’s a possibility.

I assured them I would reach back out if my needs changed.

Maybe I should try again to get more info on when to call...I’m easily distracted.

I have some other minor questions, but I’ll bounce back later and see if anyone is up for sharing thoughts.

Thank you FF...it’s nice knowing you and everyone here has my back. True heroes!

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm glad you called, ubphelp! That's a huge proactive step and you should be proud of yourself.

Listen, I totally understand the indecision about what behaviors warranted a response of calling police. When I first came here, I began to realize just how much I minimized and played the "wait and see what happens next" game. It occurred to me that I had desensitized myself to behavior that others would not hesitate to call police for if it happened to them.

Outside perspective can help you recognize the truth of your situation. It can also help you make decisions without second guessing yourself until you don't act at all.

My ex did many things to me that I never called the police for. Today, I can say without hesitation that if someone were breaking things in the house, as an attempt to intimidate me or just as an expression of anger, that I would call the police.

[UBPDHelp]

Thank you I Am Redeemed,

I know exactly what you mean. When I speak my story out loud I can’t make it through without crying. Crying mostly because I can’t believe I’ve allowed this, diminished its importance.  It’s not like I think I deserved it, but passively that was what I was saying.

Truly the breaking things is not a common occurrence, but thinking back, he did this once or twice before we were married and here and there since. At some deep down spot I guess I knew how bad it was because I never told anyone. I just wrote it off as a temporary lapse.

And he’s never put his hands on me, but definitely intimidates, belittles, coerces, manipulates, alienates.

I’m more disappointed in myself. He’s sick and I should have done better.

It would be so much easier if it were just me, but every decision impacts my kids.

And, you’re right about the indecision re: calling the police. Does it warrant that and the repercussions of it? So is a broken dish worth losing his livelihood aka, my livelihood?  There is a line, and it’s probably been crossed but is the benefit greater than the downside?  Have to decide.

Thank you for the vote of confidence...it is appreciated.