My mother died Friday after five months of isolation and emotional abuse

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mother died Friday.  My sister's attorney notified the attorney representing me and my brother this afternoon.  I know some day I'll get past this, but I'm just beside myself. I had spoken with our attorney yesterday before we knew.  It surprised me that an attorney would be taken aback by the vitriol of the other side but evidently that type of venom is not the norm.  Anyway, again before we knew my mom had already died she (our attorney) was saying my sister is just a miserable person, which is true.  At least the attorney somewhat understands. 

I just keep seeing on the news presumably decent people dying of Covid19, and I know their families are saying why them.  And I'm thinking of my sister assuming she will outlive us all.  She's done variations of the typical "I'm going to kill myself" routine in the distant past, and I cannot help but think how dramatically better our lives - mine, my late mother's, my brother, my son's, my niece's, my nephew's, my ex-brother-in-laws - would have been if she had gone through with it.  Anyway, I know it's not necessarily a constructive thought and definitely not a socially acceptable one. 

I know pwBPD suffer tremendously and I know their primary goal is not to destroy people (although that is most definitely the goal when they are splitting).  I'm not going to do it but I really wanted to send my sister the director's cut of The Butterfly Effect movie. The movie itself is fairly shlocky and somewhat ghastly, but the ending is the most poignant movie ending I have ever seen. (Spoiler alert) The main character, played by Ashton Kutcher has a horrible life but learns he can go back in time to change it but every variation of his life just brings horrific suffering to him and those closest to him. So while the theatrical release has a more pedestrian ending, the director's cut shows him going back to when he was in utero. As a fetus, he wraps the umbilical cord around his neck resulting in his demise but the rest of those who would have been his family, friends and neighbors then go on to have safe and happy lives.

Anyway, I'm not sending the movie.  And yes, I know pwBPDs suffer.  And yes I know MOST are not dangerous. But that last line is not terribly helpful when I am cursed with a sister who most definitely falls into the minority that are.  I don't expect most on the forum to be able to relate to my feelings because their BPD families members are challenging but don't cross over into sociopathy when they are splitting.  Thank you for allowing me to vent.  Stay well. 

[missing NC]

My mother died Friday.  My sister's attorney notified the attorney representing me and my brother this afternoon.  I know some day I'll get past this, but I'm just beside myself. I had spoken with our attorney yesterday before we knew.  It surprised me that an attorney would be taken aback by the vitriol of the other side but evidently that type of venom is not the norm.  Anyway, again before we knew my mom had already died she (our attorney) was saying my sister is just a miserable person, which is true.  At least the attorney somewhat understands. 

I just keep seeing on the news presumably decent people dying of Covid19, and I know their families are saying why them.  And I'm thinking of my sister assuming she will outlive us all.  She's done variations of the typical "I'm going to kill myself" routine in the distant past, and I cannot help but think how dramatically better our lives - mine, my late mother's, my brother, my son's, my niece's, my nephew's, my ex-brother-in-laws - would have been if she had gone through with it.  Anyway, I know it's not necessarily a constructive thought and definitely not a socially acceptable one. 

I know pwBPD suffer tremendously and I know their primary goal is not to destroy people (although that is most definitely the goal when they are splitting).  I'm not going to do it but I really wanted to send my sister the director's cut of The Butterfly Effect movie. The movie itself is fairly shlocky and somewhat ghastly, but the ending is the most poignant movie ending I have ever seen. (Spoiler alert) The main character, played by Ashton Kutcher has a horrible life but learns he can go back in time to change it but every variation of his life just brings horrific suffering to him and those closest to him. So while the theatrical release has a more pedestrian ending, the director's cut shows him going back to when he was in utero. As a fetus, he wraps the umbilical cord around his neck resulting in his demise but the rest of those who would have been his family, friends and neighbors then go on to have safe and happy lives.

Anyway, I'm not sending the movie.  And yes, I know pwBPDs suffer.  And yes I know MOST are not dangerous. But that last line is not terribly helpful when I am cursed with a sister who most definitely falls into the minority that are.  I don't expect most on the forum to be able to relate to my feelings because their BPD families members are challenging but don't cross over into sociopathy when they are splitting.  Thank you for allowing me to vent.  Stay well. 

[zachira]

Missing NC,
I am struggling to find the words to tell you how sad I feel about all the heartbreak you have suffered with your sister not letting you see your mother while isolating and emotionally abusing her. I am sorry your mother has passed away under such unnecessary painful circumstances. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. There is no such thing as writing too much and posting too much. We are here to listen and support you. Please let us know how we can help.

[Methuen]

I wish to extend my condolences for all that you are going through.

[Turkish]

The director's cut of that movie is the "real" version, IMO, and that ending casts the movie in a whole different light rather than the lame theatrical release. Why would you mention this?

There should be no judgement here,  we just want to talk and support you.

[shield-me]

Sorry, my condolences to you. My father passed away and he was so respectful. Miss him everyday.
Sorry for your loss missing NC.

x

[missing NC]

Thank you for the posts, zachira, Methuen, Turkish and shield-me.  I am just a bit overwhelmed, for the hell my mother was put through and for me and my brother now, not knowing what the next false accusation might be and when this will end. My brother keeps saying we are fine because we didn't do anything wrong. But that did not help my ex-brother-in-law. I assume my sister will just stay split towards me forever as she did with him. I will never get over the shock at her glee over destroying him.  Anyway, I appreciate the condolences.

[zachira]

Missing NC,
I am wondering how you are doing today, and how you are planning to get through day to day. You have been very kind in understanding what it is like for me having my siblings cheat me out of my mother's things and my fears about what cruel things they will do next. I try to spend a little time each day worrying about what could happen with my siblings so the anxiety does not build up to the overwhelming point, and then I get busy thinking about and doing other things. I am hoping that you have a good lawyer who will do what needs to be done and make it so you have no direct contact with your sister while you grieve the painful circumstances of your mother's death and losing her. Once again, I am struggling to find the words to comfort you and give you hope that you will find some peace.

[missing NC]

Thank you, zachira. Your reaching out has been really helpful. 

My brother is resigned to the situation.  My situation is like yours in that my sister will keep all physical assets.  It's not worth fighting her over that even though - as you know from personal experience - it's painful. To me, it's painful not just for the sentimental value as for the sheer nastiness.  The attorney thinks she won't be able to keep all financial assets, but we'll see. I'm hoping my brother and I end up with enough to make a dent in the extraordinary legal bills we ran up trying to get contact before my mom died. I'm striving for radical acceptance but finding it difficult while the bombs are still dropping.  I'm sure I'll be in a better place some years down the road. 

One of the many, many painful aspects of this experience is facing the knowledge that my sister has largely replicated her completely self-serving approach to life in her son. Your seeming advice to focus on other things is really well taken, but I just keep thinking "My God, how do you literally rob and abuse a dying woman - your own mother/grandmother no less?"  I think part of my challenge is that I'm just so gobsmacked by what she has done recently and in the past and heartbroken (though not surprised) that she has trained her son to be a flying monkey or worse.  Maybe he would have turned out to be a decent person had she not acquired him through adoption fraud.  He was most definitely a victim, starting before he was even born, and how he's a coperpetrator. 

Anyway, I am fairly inarticulate under stress. So please forgive the wandering.  I hope you and the other participants on the board are finding some peace amidst the family strife and the pandemic. 

[zachira]

Missing NC,
I am glad that my reaching out to you has been helpful while sad for the circumstances that bring you to PSI.
It is normal to feel overwhelmed with all that is going on. I too am extremely overwhelmed by how some of the members of the younger generations in my family have been targeted to replicate the dysfunctional behaviors of their parents and other relatives. I feel for you knowing that you love your nephew and wish he could be different. You may not want to give up hope on your nephew. My niece was groomed to have NPD like her mother by both parents, and she has learned through many years of rejection from her peers and wanting to have rewarding relationships how to be a genuinely fine person.
It is also normal to feel overwhelmed for a long time with all that has gone on. You are doing the right thing to heal by expressing your feelings and looking for the best ways to go forward. Dealing with being extremely hurt by our closest family members is like peeling an onion. At first, the hurt seems unbearable as we go through the layers of how our family members have hurt us during our life time. As time passes we can little by little start to feel better, and not be so overwhelmed in intensity and length of time by how our dysfunctional family members have hurt us.
You and your brother are very courageous in standing up to your sister. There is no way to predict what you might get, including some of your mother's things. It sounds like your sister manipulated your mother with dementia to have everything left to her, and that is against the law. The key is to file the complaint about the will within the time frame allowed which is relatively short compared to the statue of limitations for most crimes.
Do keep us updated. You can post several times a day, or how often you need to express how you are feeling. We are here to help, as so many of us have been in similar situations with our siblings and family members with BPD.
I wish you peace and healing in such difficult painful times. I hope the hurt of all this will lessen as the days/weeks/time goes by. Radical acceptance does take time, yet if you strive for it, you can get there. It may come sooner than you expect or take longer than you had hoped.

[spots]

I'm so sorry Missing NC. This sounds heartbreaking. My mother has dementia and my sister has BPD so I understand a bit of what you are going through. My worst nightmare is that I will end up in the same situation you just described. My first thought is that I hope you are seeing a counselor in addition to an attorney, as this sounds extremely stressful. Most of all, you need time to grieve, and the legal situation may be depriving you of this. Is there any way you can take a few days off from the legal side of things just to remember all the wonderful things about your mother with your other sibling? Perhaps the two of you could have a rememberance of more joyful times with your mother and don't let thoughts of your BPD sibling to overshadow this at least for an hour or two? I am so sorry. x

[Methuen]

I'm just chiming in some support here missing NC.  There must be so many layers and layers of feelings around the loss of your mom, and the issues with sister.  I've never been through a situation like that.   

It sounds like your sister manipulated your mother with dementia to have everything left to her, and that is against the law. The key is to file the complaint about the will within the time frame allowed which is relatively short compared to the statue of limitations for most crimes

This sounds like a really good suggestion.  I am happy that you have a brother who is more like you, than the sister is.  I am hoping that you and he are both able to support each other through this time after the loss of your mom.

I'm sure I'll be in a better place some years down the road.

Wishing you healing, and sending positive thoughts your way during this time.

[missing NC]

Thank you, Zachira, Spots and Methuen.  Things are still unsettled. I am a bit too close to it to go into it right now.  I am just dealing with threats and insanity at this point.  I wish I had known about grey rock a year ago. (Advice for anyone else dealing with a pwBPD - use grey rock whenever possible.)  I was NC at that point. My mistake was thinking I could successfully remain so given the circumstances.  Anyway, I appreciate the supportive messages.