Todays struggle with my mother

[Gymshark24]

So today, I had an argument with my BPD mother she seems to say the same things resorts to nasty insults, threats trying to get my 10 year old little sister to Side with her she said im a cunt she's been mad ate for three days now she goes through cycles I set a boundary she gets angry lashes out like a child then wont speak to me for days and because she's still mad more fights seems to happen. I usually ignore her don't engage walk away etc. today I was told by a friend to not do that but its been my survival technique for years its kept me safe for the most part. Im a psychology major so sometimes ill pretend she's a future client of mine and use the :look I can see your upset and maybe when u calm down we can regroup and talk"? she snaps and instantly deflects it on me and says im the issue. I've tired everything and honestly im drained emotionally roles have always been reversed im the parent basically and she's the child at heart at least she is. The fight other than today all started because I set a boundary and said to her "Since I buy the foo in the house can u help and meet me halfway or just not eat my food and get your own"? she snapped and then resorted to black mailing me and threatening my place to live she's a PLEASE READing nightmare to live with im a grown adult with a child myself she tries to tell me what yo. do and I shut it down and say "oh stop while you ahead that ship came and went don't try and parent me now" I got sober about 6 month ago so I am having to fully deal with the emotions and not numb them she throws stuff in my face about my past eventho im sober. She is an alcoholic as well but still uses she drinks everyday idk I guess im looking for new tactics to handle fights and or defuse them.

[Methuen]

Wow Gymshark.  I am sorry for what you are going through here.  It does sound like you are frustrated and angry, which is to be expected.  You are not alone.  Your mom is never going to change, so the only thing you can control is your response to her.  

 

I had an argument with my BPD mother she seems to say the same things resorts to nasty insults, threats trying to get my 10 year old little sister to Side with her

Your mom is triangulating here.  Are you familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle?
https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

she said im a cunt she's been mad ate for three days now

So I'm sorry she's using this language.  It's inappropriate, but demonstrates she's emotionally immature.  It's kind of like a young child that calls another child names because they haven't learned to self-manage their social and emotional skills.  Do you think this fits your mom?

Do you know if your mom was abused as a child?  This could explain low emotional
skills, as development can sometimes halt or slow after abuse or a traumatic event.

I usually ignore her don't engage walk away etc.

Good for you. As you know, it's best to not engage.  The person who is advising you otherwise - how informed or expert are they?  People who don't understand BPD may offer advice, but that doesn't mean it should be listened to.  I would suggest you stay with your strategy of not engaging.  The more you engage, the worse it could get.

 

Im a psychology major so sometimes ill pretend she's a future client of mine and use the :look I can see your upset and maybe when u calm down we can regroup and talk"?

So this is good, but one thing could be improved.  It is still a blaming statement because the word "you" is used to tell her she is not calm.  This is what she is reacting to, because her disorder makes it unable for her to accept any responsibility.  Therefore the statement is still invalidating to her.  If you substitute the word "you" with the word "we", you may get a more favourable result.  So you could say " It looks like you are feeling upset.  (validating). That must be very hard mom (validating).  Let's all take some time to get calm, and then we can regroup and talk if that is helpful. (presents a solution, and gives her a choice).

If she continues to rail on you, that is the time to say "I have to go now" and head to the bathroom, since you can't really leave the house with Covid 19.  But maybe she'll stop because she so's surprised by your response.  That could work.  If she can't stop, it means her emotions have escalated too far. If that happens, just stay with support and empathy.  Don't move to truth until her emotion is stable.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0;all

 "Since I buy the foo in the house can u help and meet me halfway or just not eat my food and get your own"?

So BPD's typically have poor boundaries.  I get your point here, and this might "check" a person who is not disordered.  But it won't check a BPD, instead it will inflame it, which is what happened, but was not your intent.

It sounds like you are doing the grocery shopping for both you and your mom, but you each pay for your own food.  Have I got that right?  Here's another way of phrasing it to your mom:

"I am doing the grocery shopping for both of us (fact).  I am happy to do this during Covid 19 to keep you safe.  (fact).  We each pay for our own food (fact).  I feel disappointed that you are eating some of my food, because then that food is not available for me.  Could you please eat just your food? (I statement).  I will be happy to buy those things for you to use if you put them on your grocery list (offers a solution)."  That states the problem, sets a boundary in an affirming way, and offers a solution.  It is non-confrontational, and non inflammatory.  

she snapped and then resorted to black mailing me and threatening my place to live

Yes - BPD's are high conflict.  It's so hard to be around all the time, right?

she's a PLEASE READing nightmare to live with

She sounds like it.

im a grown adult with a child myself she tries to tell me what yo. do and I shut it down and say "oh stop while you ahead that ship came and went don't try and parent me now"

I get your need to say something since you are living under the same roof, but I would probably stop after the "ship came and went part".  The last part just gives her something to engage with, and the drama will continue, which will increase your stress level further.  

I got sober about 6 month ago

I am having to fully deal with the emotions and not numb them

So I'm reading between the lines here, but it sounds like you have done a HUGE amount of work, both in getting sober, and in analysing the BPD relationship situation with your mom.  Good for you

she throws stuff in my face about my past eventho im sober. She is an alcoholic as well but still uses she drinks everyday

Just curious - how does she feel about your getting sober?

idk I guess im looking for new tactics to handle fights and or defuse them.

Good for you Gymshark.  This is kinda where I was last summer/fall with my mom.  I was emotionally exhausted, and you also say you are emotionally drained.  I reached the point where I accepted my mom was never gonna change, so any changes had to come from within me, and how I responded to her.  I just wasn't prepared to go on feeling the way I was feeling for the rest of my life.  I'm guessing that's maybe where you are at?  Does that sound about right?  

[Gymshark24]

so everything you said was great and very eyeopening and helpful wrote down all of the tips. in my phone do when she flips out like my toddler does ill refer to that list. its sad but my friends don't like coming over they say to me "is your crazy mom home" she's embarrassing and im ashamed I don't even call her mom I only do when there are people over because I don't like dealing with questions from people but she is in my phone by her name she hates it I always tell her well I don't feel you have been much of a mother to me and for awhile she has me fooled that she warns aware she is full aware of what she is doing and how she has and affects me but doesn't want change which infuriates me so bad! she is the only one who can send me into a rage but now that im sober I don react like that anymore. she was abused as a child my grandmother is Borderline and my great grandmother and somehow I broke the cycle which is a miracle honestly. She says to me she is proud of me for getting sober cut the day I got arrested for my dui she waited for me to get home I even remember saying to her why were u waiting for me? she said "  well I didn't know what state if mind u would be in and was afraid you'd have a mental breakdown" I was confused but ignored it cuz she's not capable of caring about me but I used my drinking as a way to numb that now I have to sit with it and it sucks. but I think she's jealous of me im doing something shiest capable of, she like disgusts me I call my stepmom mom and send all my holidays with her and I know it hurts my actual mother but again I tell her I feel closer to her than you she raised me when u choice men and booze over me so I don't know what you want me to say here. today she hasn't spoke to me I asked her if she wanted dinner I made she said "nope want nothing to do with you" I said oh PLEASE READ that's right well I was hoping you'd be able to be an adult today. sheathed said im a cunt. And no she doesn't buy any food in the house or do anything around the house I do I do it all, which is draining and if I ask her to do the dishes she legit drags her feet like a 15 year old teenager which is kinda what she is. she doesn't shower she will only wash her hair in tub, if she has work or something. will only get in the shower fully if she is gonna see her bf ( he is way more important than her kids) feel and wa too by my therapists that she is just very sick and that shows that she is getting worse. im numb to her honestly I have nothing left I don't show affection like at all I call her my roommate im only living here cut I need to build my credit so I can move out which is partly her fault she used to put bills in my name and never paid them and hurt my credit bad. Idk what to do someday she can act normal but I learned that when she needs something or her other sources for abuse have seized her or tired her out. we get along for a few weeks rot about a month tops then she snaps and hates me. and won't speak to me and lets just say I loveee when she doesn't talk to me but when my terriosts little sister is home who u think is borderline too she bullies me and says she hopes I die etc and my mother puts me down instead if saying something to her which I leaned before coming on here is only cuz my sister is still a kid and doesn't know better and is enabling her behavior therefore my mother will defend my sister being a sociopath to me. joke will be on her when I move out she wont see or hear from me at all, she will not come to my wedding when I get married someday and will not be going to my college graduations. Her behavior is very interesting to me and the more I learn about her the better I know a really big amount her disorder but not enough I have several books but I learned from reading the "borderline mother" while still living with her was triggering me cuz I was experiencing all of what was said and it was freaking me out. she seems to. get mad when I mention I am seeing someone etc she doesn't like it or she gets. way to overly involved which like smoothers me I know she can't control it but its aggravating.with this COVID 19 thing she is using that as a way to play her victim card I have overheard conversations and I couldn't help but laugh she is comical at the lies she says and maybe that's why she is always mad at me cuz she gets nothing by me at all! see through all of it. I think the reason I am not borderline and broke the cycle is because my dad stepmom,DCF,foster mother etc they all saved me and gave me the stability that prevented me from being sick like her. My father is also borderline he tried to kill himself like two fish years ago, then walked away I couldn't take it anymore he wont get help just wants to. be enabled me Andy sister who is 20 walked away from him lets just say when thee psychiatrists told me he is BPD I was like wow wtf did I do in a past life to get two degenerate parents? the psychiatrists was blown away when she saw and heard how much knowledge I already had about it I said well my mother has it so I know what this is I just never thought he was so I was shocked sent chills down my spine. He had me fooled, he was higher functioning but always helped me in ways to deal with my mother and I always thought it was cuz he knew her so well no he knew how to deal with her cut they both have the same disorder. I haven spoke to my dad since novemberish he called me and said he had a heart attack I said "ok and?" what do u want me to do I said I don't want to seer talk to you till u have gotten help ya he didn't like that. with him setting boundaries is alittle easier he just hangs up a lot and I always know he will so its less surprisng when he does. but with her its so much harder.