Struggling to Break Out of Habits

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey all. I’m writing this as my first post because I’m feeling isolated and as if no one understands. I’m a child of a parent with BPD (we think) but a more complex part is that I’m the younger sibling. My older sibling was the scapegoat for my parent with BPD so I grew up watching and learning how to perform perfectly in order to avoid anger, shame, and outbursts from my parent. Today, I’m trying hard to break out of the fear and set healthy boundaries with that parent.. but resisting my fear of an outburst or scrutiny is so hard. And I feel so alone in this struggle because no one understands. Has anyone else been in my place? Any tips on dealing with this situation in a healthy way?

[wonderer21]

Hey all. I’m writing this as my first post because I’m feeling isolated and as if no one understands. I’m a child of a parent with BPD (we think) but a more complex part is that I’m the younger sibling. My older sibling was the scapegoat for my parent with BPD so I grew up watching and learning how to perform perfectly in order to avoid anger, shame, and outbursts from my parent. Today, I’m trying hard to break out of the fear and set healthy boundaries with that parent.. but resisting my fear of an outburst or scrutiny is so hard. And I feel so alone in this struggle because no one understands. Has anyone else been in my place? Any tips on dealing with this situation in a healthy way?

[zachira]

You are far from alone in feeling afraid to show your true feelings to your parent with BPD. You obviously have witnessed many times how your parent reacts when others don't respond the way they would like. Many members on this site have found to be very helpful Margalis Fjelstad's book: "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life".

[ProudDad12]

I'll echo zachira, you are not alone on here. I'm continually grateful for these boards just for that reason. And you've already done one of the hard parts, which is recognizing the need to look out for yourself and set boundaries.

Please be encouraged to post/vent/ask, many very helpful and caring people on here.

I haven't read the recommended book but fully intend to do so now. I can also recommend "Stop Walking on Eggshells".

[Methuen]

Hey welcome to the club.  Lots of newbies recently.  That's awesome.  I was a newbie 8 months ago, and I can give you hope by saying that it can get better.  This site has been super helpful because of the support of a community that "gets it", and because of all the really helpful information on the site.

If you haven't already found the info, look under "how to get the most out of this site", and the "Community Built Knowledge Base Tools and Skills workshops".  There's a ton of information, experience, and stories there which I believe you will find both helpful and validating. Once a person gets reading, it can be hard to stop, because a lot of the stories will fit your situation, and you won't believe that so many people can be experiencing what you have.  The site is also full of strategies to better communicate and manage a relationship with a pwBPD.

Any tips on dealing with this situation in a healthy way?

Can you tell us more or give us an example of a situation with your sibling?