Living with a parent who has BPD

[dmarvs0720]

Hi there. I'm new here and new to Borderline Personality Disorder. I've had issues with my mom for as long as I can remember and so has everybody else who is close to her. The issues are always the same -- she can't listen to constructive criticism, can't see when she's done or said something wrong, escalates arguments or issues that don't call for escalation (takes something small and blows it up), has unstable and codependent relationships with others, blames others for her own issues or for things she did (when she escalates or starts an argument, she says it was me who did it), threatens others, doesn't respect boundaries, plays on a person's triggers or past hurt during arguments, doesn't recall things she said or did during arguments, twists the truth, compulsively lies even when there isn't a need for lying, or blames herself when she did nothing wrong to the point where she gets depressed. When I try to bring this to her attention and point out how this affects me, she says "how dare I disrespect her" as a mother and denies, denies, denies. Or she'll shift the blame -- "Well, yes I said that to you, but it was because I had a bad day at work, the car broke down, I got into a fight with my mom, you didn't clean up the dishes. And because of that, it was outside of my control and I can react that way when I'm under stress.". Or, the one that hurts the most is, she'll say "I can't believe you're telling me I'm doing something wrong when I just bought you three bottles of nail polish, after all I've done for you.". She claims her behavior is completely normal. I have been going to therapy since I was 15 (I'm 19 now) and have brought this up with my therapist. Only recently has she directed me towards looking into BPD, so this is all new to me. I haven't mentioned to my mom that I think she has BPD, by the way, and have been advised against it. I've tried sitting in therapy with my mom and being completely honest with her. She deflected, blamed, couldn't recall, lied, couldn't apologize, and claimed all of our issues are because of me -- I'm too sensitive and don't respect her (because I speak up when she isn't treating me right). She says that even if she does have a problem, she's not willing to work on any of her issues because she doesn't want to. I have been basically mothering my mom my entire life, holding her hand, giving her advice, and defending her to everybody since age 12. I stopped that about 3 months ago. I wasn't aware that her behavior wasn't normal until a year or two ago. Now I'm at a place where she exhausts me and I don't have much patience or desire to hold her hand through her BPD struggles. I have sympathy -- I have my own mental struggles. But it's hard to push aside all of the hurt she's caused and continues to cause. I've read a couple of techniques of how to manage conflicts with someone who has BPD and while they seem smart and like something I can do, I don't know if I'm willing to be the one who puts in all of the work and doesn't speak up for myself, only to get blamed and used as an emotional toy. I know that it would be for my own good to try out those techniques, and I'm sure I will, but I want to moreso work towards distancing myself from her to where I can live a life without having to walk on eggshells. Everybody else in her life has basically cut most ties. My grandma is a narcissist but was the first to realize my mom had BPD and doesn't have much of a relationship with her. My sister moved out last year and keeps her distance. My dad left her a while back because he couldn't handle my mom's disorder. She can't keep daily friendships because of her tendency to view people as "evil" when they don't do exactly what she expects of them. She has a boyfriend of a couple of years. They have an awfully toxic relationship. He has his own host of issues and doesn't seem to realize my mom's BPD. He treats her like garbage and is aware of it, but won't leave him because she doesn't want to be alone. I am at the point in my life where I can't move out financially and with everything going on in the world right now, it's hard to manage being around her 24/7. Especially while I'm trying to heal, digest the fact that she has BPD and won't change, and figure out a plan forward. I do have a therapist as I mentioned and she's awesome. But I'm looking to get some more advice than just from one person. I'm wondering if anyone has any similar experiences and how did you handle it? If you don't have a similar experience, do you have any advice or information that can help me in healing our relationship? I'm currently struggling with resentment (ugh) and anger towards her. I am trying to be as sympathetic as I can and not "take it out on her" because I know our issues stem from BPD, which is mostly out of her control. She really doesn't know any better. But what upsets me is she won't work on helping our relationship, which I know is her BPD talking. But it still really hurts. I've been very close with her my whole life because there is a side to her that I love and appreciate and am grateful for. And she is my mom. But there's also a part of me that wonders if when I move out and begin a life separate from her if I'll really want to have much of a relationship with her. And that saddens me. I have been through enough toxic relationships and have told myself that I will never keep anybody toxic around. It's just not worth it to me. What are your thoughts on keeping a relationship with her? If I do decide to stay in contact with her or maintain a regular relationship with her, what tips or advice do you have? I have a past of being bullied and it can be really triggering to hear that her treatment towards me is okay and hear somebody blame me. Does anybody have any similar experience and how did you handle that? I've learned to always stick up for myself and it's difficult to hear that in order to keep a peaceful relationship with my mom, it's best not to stand up for myself. I thank you all immensely.

[JNChell]

Hi, dmarvs0720. Welcome to BPDFamily. Your situation sounds rough. What are you hoping to achieve? We can help.

[ylime]

Hey there,

I am 21 and live in with my mom when I'm not at school. Basically everything you have said about your mom's behavior resonated with me on some level. I am constantly wondering why a peaceful relationship seems to be dependent on how willing I am to be quiet and just let her seemingly get away with the way she treats people. It's especially rough when it's me or one of my siblings who are the "people." I'm am still figuring this out. But I thought I would drop in here and let you know that you are not alone in your experiences. I am also in therapy, and my therapist also told me about my mom possibly having BPD for the purpose of helping me cope better, and I am now trying so hard to find new answers. Before, I thought her problem was depression and alcoholism, but now it feels like I have to tackle a whole new thing, a thing which she is in denial about. And now this virus is happening, so it isn't the ideal time to seek help.

I'm currently struggling with resentment (ugh) and anger towards her. I am trying to be as sympathetic as I can and not "take it out on her" because I know our issues stem from BPD, which is mostly out of her control. She really doesn't know any better. But what upsets me is she won't work on helping our relationship, which I know is her BPD talking. But it still really hurts. I've been very close with her my whole life because there is a side to her that I love and appreciate and am grateful for.

I feel this so much. I love my mom so deeply. Even now, I am thinking about how distance from her would be punishment for her, instead of healing for me. But I do get a good amount of distance when I am at school. Personally, the most success I have ever felt I accomplished with my mom was when I identified something really specific that she doesn't do and then asked her to do it. For example, I noticed that when she would call me on the phone, she would NEVER ask me anything about myself, never check up on me. She would launch right into a story about her hard work day or something and let me respond to that before hanging up. When I would make her listen to something I managed to share, she would immediately react with some ridiculous response instead of just listening, comforting, and supporting me. Finally, I told her outright exactly what I needed: I asked her if she could please try and ask me something personal when we talked on the phone and that if I shared a problem or concern that she would only listen and comfort rather than get all flustered and freak out and say, "Well, I don't know what to do about it?" I basically had to teach her how alter a behavior that frustrated and angered me because to me it meant that she did not care. Since then, I've felt so much better about our phone conversations. But in person is a whole other story.

I am so sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. Feeling trapped at home and powerless to do something that you think could bring you closer to healing is so hard. Maybe my suggestion will help you take it one day at a time? I sincerely hope this helps.

[Methuen]

Hi there dmarvs0720,

Parts of your story have a very familiar ring.  We all wish it wasn't so, but it is, and I think you will find lots of support here to navigate your way through the BPD maze.  This site is like an encyclopedia of info on BPD, and the forum brings a whole community of support from people who also have pwBPD and who "get it".  We are here to help each other.

She deflected, blamed, couldn't recall, lied, couldn't apologize, and claimed all of our issues are because of me -

This is a typical BPD response.  She is probably completely unaware of her behavior, and also unable to analyze and reflect.  It's all a defense mechanism against a pretty intense self-loathing, often a sense that "I'm unloveable or unworthy", and driven by an intense fear of abandonment.  Sadly the high conflict behaviors that drive these feelings, are also what cause loved ones like you to look for an exit door from the relationship.

It took me a LONG time to realize the things my mom was saying weren't personal.  Of course I took them personally then.  But I don't usually any more.  I have learned that when she says things like "you are so sensitive" as a put-down with a negative edge, she's really projecting her own horrible feelings of herself onto me because she can't cope with those feelings about herself.  She dumps them, right?  So now that I understand it, I don't take it personally the way I used to.

I know that it would be for my own good to try out those techniques, and I'm sure I will, but I want to more so work towards distancing myself from her to where I can live a life without having to walk on eggshells.

It sounds like you could really use a break, and some distance.  And you deserve your own independent life, autonomy, and sense of self.  But since you live under the same roof right now, and Covid is going on, this is hard to do right now.  Do you have a space in the house that is your space where she doesn't go?  A bedroom, a study, or some other room she doesn't use?  

Also, maybe just engaging with her less, ie. "becoming quieter" is an option?  Less talk?  Less time in the same room?  Different schedules?  Could that work?

You sound quite exhausted and frustrated by it all.  Are there things you have tried in the past that have worked for you?  If so, what are they?

Are you familiar with JADEing?  Once I understood this, and stopped JADEing, things started to improve slowly.  Every little tool I tried helped to make it better.  These tools really do work.

I don't know if I'm willing to be the one who puts in all of the work

Yes.  It isn't fair right?  But lots of things aren't fair.  The conditions in her life which led to her BPD probably weren't fair for her either.  We just have to learn how to play the cards we have been dealt in this life.  Tools are key.
Bad news:  your mom isn't going to change.
Good news: it can get better if/when you decide you are ready to learn to change how you respond to her.

But there's also a part of me that wonders if when I move out and begin a life separate from her if I'll really want to have much of a relationship with her.

You don't have to decide this right now.  It might just bring anxiety.  One day at a time is a better way to go.  

 

I have a past of being bullied and it can be really triggering to hear that her treatment towards me is okay and hear somebody blame me.

Who is telling you this?  Family?  Friends?  It is never OK to be a doormat.  Learning appropriate ways to set boundaries to protect yourself is super important.  Fighting back won't help.  It will only feed the drama. 

For now, try to create some physical and emotional distance (more time alone in the house listening to music or reading or doing yoga?, so there is less opportunity for interaction).  Also if your mom says something that upsets you, are you able to just not respond (and thus not feed the drama?)?  What do you think?

It sounds like you could use some space, and some time to just look after YOU.

[RocketOrion278]

Hi, I am also new here. Your mother sounds like a copy of my own if I'm being completely honest with you. My sister is going through almost the exact thing you are now, and I'm on this site to seek help for her. My sister is stuck with my mom throughout quarantine, and my mom won't even give her to my dad the days he has custody.
You definitely shouldn't tell your mom about BPD. Those with BPD are SUPER sensitive about that, and if they aren't willing to accept they have a problem, telling them the have a personality disorder will cause a massive emotional outburst.
I do the best that I can with my mom, it's been an uphill battle for almost ten years (I'm 20, so close to your age). During this COVID-19 time, I decided to stay in my college apartment, and my mother freaked because of it. She would have disowned me if she could. She has serious abandonment issues and she couldn't believe that I would "abandon the family when it's more crucial than ever that we stay together." Problem is she's impossible to deal with and I need to pass my finals, so I left.
Also, I moved out when I was 17 to get away from my mom. Her outbursts caused our family to go bankrupt and we were evicted twice. She blamed me for her depression, and convinced my dad to kick me out when I turned 18 because all I did was "attack her," and I was a "failure of a daughter." Of course I left before that happened so who knows if my dad actually would have gone through with throwing my out. Those with BPD are difficult, and you have my full sympathy.
In terms of advice, and I'm so so sorry I know this isn't what you want to hear, patience is key. I tried group therapy with my mom years ago, and she felt attacked. My therapist was asking both her and myself to change our attitudes and behaviors, but my mom saw it as an attack on her, and she wouldn't let me see that amazing therapist anymore (when I left home I went back though, because that therapist was awesome). I recently convinced my mom to start Dialectical Behavior Therapy ... this type of therapy is specifically suited for those with BPD. It helps them regulate their emotions, discourage destructive behavior, and encourage healthy behaviors. The only way I was able to convince my mom to start this therapy was by not mentioning that it's used to treat BPD. I explained to her the three above things that I mentioned as I held her hand and told her that I loved her. I told her that seeing her in pain influences my mood, my sister's, and my grandma's. I told her that she's a major influence in our lives, and if she is happier, we will be too. I also told her that DBT is used to treat trauma and PTSD, which is also true. My mother has PTSD from events that didn't even happen. She couldn't live with mistakes she made so she turned those events into a different memory entirely ... and she truly believes it too. Her PTSD is real, but its origin is fake.
Even if you can't calmly convince your mom someway to get some help regulating her emotions and behaviors, there are some ways you can use DBT in your everyday life. Ima go all psychology on you okay? Positive reinforcement is huge. It is THE BEST WAY to get a behavior to stick with someone. If your mom does something nice for you, ANYTHING at all, you praise the crap out her for doing so. For example, my mom took our cat to the vet because she was sick. They found out she needed a specific medicine and my mom has surprisingly done a good job keeping up with it. I told my mom how lucky our cat is to have her, and that if it wasn't for my mom, Shabbie would have died. I almost blew it out of proportion in a way. My sister called me later and told me what a great mood my comments put my mom in. Also, don't encourage her bad behaviors. Don't react strongly to her outbursts or yell back at her, it'll only make it worse. As for the positive reinforcement, you want to start with verbally praising ALL her good behaviors ... be careful not to seem fake, but thank her for dinner if she makes it. Thank her for taking out the trash because "you weren't feeling well" idk. As you start to see improvements, you can praise her less, but still do it intermittently. She will become what's called intrinsically motivated and start to do these healthy behaviors on her own. It is NOT easy, that's why I said patience is key ... but it IS possible to make a difference. Those with BPD aren't hopeless.
As for distancing yourself, once you have the option to move out I suggest distancing yourself at least for a bit. That helped me. When I first moved out, I was so angry with my mom I swore she would never come to my future wedding or ever meet her grandkids once I have some ... idk what I would do now. It's up to you what you want to do after spending some time away from her. After studying psychology, I realize it isn't her fault. She's not doing it on purpose, it's a disorder, and she needs help. Problem is those with BPD refuse to believe they have a problem so ...  it's hard to get them help. I don't know if living with your dad is an option, but that's also something to consider. I live with my dad on breaks from school. Also, I find it's easier to help my mom in places where she doesn't have full control. She is a very controlling person and is unlikely to listen ever, BUT she panics whenever she thinks she has NO control. However, there is a sweet spot. Therefore, I try to take her out of her comfort zone enough to listen to what I'm saying, but not so much that she shuts down and feels paranoid and uncomfortable. I hope this was helpful, let me know if you have questions and I'll do my best to help One last thing though, being treated like that is ABSOLUTELY NOT NORMAL OR OKAY. I was in your exact position and had no clue that it wasn't normal to be treated like moth in the kitchen. I'm not saying accept her bad behaviors and let her abuse you, but just remember she really doesn't have control over it. No one with BPD does without help. Don't accept her abuse and treatment, and definitely don't accept that behavior from anyone else either.