Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=303877.0 I really appreciate reading the information on this post. I've been friends with this guy for close to a decade and I'm more than positive he has BPD. I'm feeling a little upset and frustrated because I've noticed that specially the last year that there's been extreme Push Pull Cycles between us. We've never dated but I'm fairly certain he had some type of feelings or emotional connection to me. We've crossed boundaries before and I feel like the times it happened frequently is when I started to notice the change.
I feel like I trigger him more often than before. It seems when I send a text that's emotional, loving or supportive as a good friend would, he's reacting to what I assume is feelings of engulfment or suffocation. In one specific text to him, I said "I need my best friend around", because he thought about moving (which was an attention seeking conversation). He replied "I can't be this best friend of yours." I've gotten similar responses in the past when he perceived I'm being needy we're expecting emotion from him.
The next time we saw each other, I didn't say hello to him because I didn't think he wanted to talk to me and to give him space. He and I were interacting with others & he began projecting feelings of what I assumed were feelings of abandonment. I had messaged him that night to apologize if I made him feel ignored but I was giving him space to think because he seemed upset with me. No reply as always. It's interesting when I used to react and get angry years ago, it'd elicit more of a response from him.
I know I can't change how he perceives my behavior or how he responds. I'm a very calm person and I don't react. I don't raise my voice to him, cuss him out, or chase. I usually just recognize how he's feeling, and leave the option to talk but he never does.
I'm just having a hard time letting go of the memory of the close friendship we had and accepting that who he's showing me now is who he really is. I want to be there for him as a friend and I'm consciously balancing my emotional health and well-being. I question why these projected feelings and behaviors are thrown my way much more frequently now. He's been "involved" with someone for a few years but I always find it strange that he feels comfortable having these women around day in and day out. Yet, we'll have a fun time together and he has to distance and avoid me. It doesn't seem he needs to avoid these women as much. I've narrowed it down to the fact that these women are self-sacrificing, codependent, single moms who become his replacement Mommy. They have no voice or boundaries and do whatever he asks. He always considers himself single and I don't think they trigger him because he chooses women he knows he'll never have a serious relationship with. He shows me so much more respect as well as restraint from his anger and emotion.
Any advice or relatable feedback is welcomed! I apologize for the long post. It's very difficult to compose a short post explaining how your feeling in these types of situations.
