Does my Mum have Intermittent Explosive Disorder?

[Dargumin]

So I'm isolating with my Mum at the moment, she kicked out her ex of 12 years a few months ago, he stole money off the family, the police are involved, it has been stressful, and in that respect I can understand her being moody, but I'm literally dealing with 4 or 5 explosive episodes a day, she's shouting & screaming and slamming every door and cupboard she can. Any comment from me at all is enough to set her off. She never acknowledges that she's behaving out of line or apologises afterwards either.  It is so regular that I'm trying to treat them as background noise now, not giving hardly any reaction at all,  but this is awful for my mental health.

In honesty my Mum has had anger issues as long as I can remember, although she always reigns it in when other people are around, and no-one really has a clue what she's like apart from me and maybe my Dad (he's an angry person too, but with him its controlled anger, no tantrums).  I had considered she may have BPD but she doesn't really display an y fear of abandonment.  I was just wondering if anyone hear has experience with Intermittent Explosive Disorder and if so, does what I'm describing sound like it?

[JNChell]

Hi, Dargumin. We’re not able to diagnose here, but we are able to discuss behaviors. Are there certain things that set your mom off, or are you walking on eggshells not knowing when the next blow up will happen?

I have heard of Intermittent Explosive Disorder, but I don’t really know anything about it. It might actually be helpful for the community if you would be willing to shed more light on it.

Sounds like you’re wound tight.

[Dargumin]

Hi, Dargumin. We’re not able to diagnose here, but we are able to discuss behaviors. Are there certain things that set your mom off, or are you walking on eggshells not knowing when the next blow up will happen?

I have heard of Intermittent Explosive Disorder, but I don’t really know anything about it. It might actually be helpful for the community if you would be willing to shed more light on it.

Sounds like you’re wound tight.

To be honest I'm at a point where I know it doesn't really matter what I say or do, she will be triggered, so I'm not really even trying to walk on eggshells, it would be a futile exercise.  The most peaceful time we have is when we watch a series on Netflix for a couple of hours, that seems to quieten her down.  It's got to a point where I'm staying up extra late and sleeping in to the afternoon to minimise our time awake with each other.  I'm really thinking of finding a friends house to stay at, but I know all my family will think I'm awful for leaving her on her own during lockdown.

[Dargumin]

I'm 38 and ended up back living with her and her ex when I returned to uni as a mature student in 2017, Uni finished last year but I've not landed a job yet.  She's always had a crabby & fiery personality but now the ex is out of the way she's definitely not holding back.  She is 62 now (not that you could tell, she has the energy of a 20 yr old while raging) and I guess I'm paying the price for not setting boundaries when I was younger. (She goes through my pockets & receipts still).  I keep thinking to record a few of her fits of rage so her sister and my cousins can see what she's really like. 

[JNChell]

Your feelings are understandable. This sounds like a very stressful situation. Especially when considering being in lockdown due to Covid-19.

It's got to a point where I'm staying up extra late and sleeping in to the afternoon to minimise our time awake with each other.

I used to do the same thing. It helped, but I can still hear my mom screaming at me and pounding on my door. She had rage that she couldn’t handle, process or even take ownership of, so she lashed out on a regular basis. The description you’ve given sounds very familiar. I’m sorry for that.

I'm really thinking of finding a friends house to stay at, but I know all my family will think I'm awful for leaving her on her own during lockdown.

I imagine that boundaries are very hard to establish in times like this. It sounds like you’re wanting to look out for yourself and find a comfortable place to stay. That is more than reasonable to want and make happen. You’re worried about what the family will think if you take care of yourself. I get it. There is no question on whether or not that you’ve been conditioned to feel this way throughout your life. I, and many members here, wear the same shoes. Please think about and be proactive when it comes to your self preservation.

You’re considering exposing her behaviors. Man, I understand that urge. Even if you have video evidence, how do you think your family members will react to it? Consider their personalities as well. What is their relationship like with your mom? Will exposing her cause an intervention and a paradigm shift that moves things forward, or will it create a more hostile environment for you?