Hi Im new here & tired of getting triggered with my husband's bpd behavior

[Healingwithlove]

Hi I'm tired of getting triggered and feeling devastated when my husband splits, blames me, is paranoid I'll leave him or don't love him and pushes me away feeling abandoned and unloved. I know I "can't win" and I didn't do anything wrong but that's what my inner child/teen goes to.  And then I feel abandoned & resentful.  I'm tired of being the "grown up" taking care of the bills & feeling lonely. I love him, know he loves me as he can and he is not doing the deep work I believe would shift things.  I know in an emergency I can't fully count on him. Its good to be here. Hoping to find support, clarity and community here.  Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mrs123]

Totally get that. I love the way you phrased “I know he loves me as he can”.   

I get being tired of being the grown up, and wondering if/when he will begin to heal. Have you tried getting away for a day or two - time to  breathe and get some clarity from distance? With mine I know this would cause an issue and argument in itself, and not easy with this lockdown, but on the occasion I have managed to get away it has given me time to be me and perspective.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Healingwithlove! Welcome!

Mrs123 asks a good question: how are you on self-care? It more difficult in a time like this, but doing little things for yourself that fill your “emotional cup” can do wonders.

The push/pull is a very difficult thing to manage. Believe me, I know.

Hope you don’t mind if I ask a few questions:
Has your H been diagnosed?
Is he now or has he been in therapy?
What sorts of behaviors cause the most problems for you? Can you describe a recent incident?

We’re here for you! I hope you’ll share more when you feel up to it.