need support

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, this is my first post. I am feeling broken right now, my husband is going through another time which we call an 'episode' they happen about weekly. I realize every time I think about leaving because it is so terrible and then he says he is sorry and we go on until the next time. It just has been so long, years and years and I love him, so I stay, but then I think - he does nothing to get better, he drinks, he lies, he is hurtful and mean and then when his head seems to clear - he is sorry. It's such a normal pattern and I am used to a level or crazy living that I think no one would understand or even imagine could actually happen, nor should anything like it ever happen but even once to someone. I hide it from friends and our family, I learned early on no one could quite understand it. I have one friend I can tell, but it is even too much to put on one person when it happens so often and then they think - why don't you do something about it? I don't know what to do. He was misdiagnosed and given medication that made him worse, he has had bad experience with therapists who don't get it, so now he just lives with it and then so do I. He should be getting some help, he won't do it, he may try one session and then he gives up. It is bad when your daughter has to identify that you live in a codependent relationship. I could list so many things no one knows have happened, they would ruin most other relationships, but I decided to stay. I guess I am hoping someone would know how I keep going and maybe tell me what these relationships look like. How can someone love me and really know me and show me such depth of knowing me and then say the most terrible things? Is that normal? He goes beyond what most husbands do for their wives, he gives and loves and thinks about me and anticipates me and then he hates me and he yells and he says things no one should ever hear. He is not medicated and he drinks and lies to me about it. I have told him 100's of times to just tell me the truth, to tell me when he feels so bad that he has to drink, he will not do it and this I also don't get. Why? I have decided to stay with him through worse and the lies still persist, it makes trusting him at all so hard and I wish I just could. Even as I write this, I think most people would wonder why I am still with him. Over the years as I learned what was actually going on I wanted to help, I wanted him to get help but there has been nothing. We have been to what I would think was the end and somehow we keep going. Now I just see this repeating cycle of pain and when I confront him on a lie or hidden drinking he denies it until he can't and then when given the choice to talk and own it, he deflects and suddenly I am a terrible wife and he says he is the one dealing with me and my problems, this then turns into anger and yelling and then he leaves to a place where I know he is not safe - like the garage. And he yells so neighbors can hear and does not care and he says he wants to die and refuses to come inside. I look at this as a game now, he knows what to say that hurts, he knows I am afraid he will kill himself and he will hit himself and keep yelling until I leave just so no one hears it all. But then I sit on the other side of a door just listening to make sure he is okay. How can he say the most loving and the most painful things to me? It that right? I mean I know it is not, but what option is there? I chose to stay, I know what I live with and for the most part it, when it is good, it is very good. But this life is weary and controlling and we often can't even make plans for events or with friends because his mood is so unpredictable. I have been at an end and he has been out of control and I could not stop it. I have had to call the police at least 5 times times because of his threats to take his own life and he goes to the hospital and we wait for him to become sober so he can make a decision and each time I hope they send him to some kind of rehab, because the alcoholism is just as bad now as the BPD now, but there is nothing, no place will take him and the places that might work with a dual diagnosis are too expensive and I don't even know if these places are what he needs. So he always gets sent home. Am I wrong to think that not even mental health professionals get this this? I think there are choices he could make to get better- stop drinking, exercise, go see someone - these would all be just basic things to make him healthier, he won't commit to any of them with consistency. Again when I am at breaking point, and there have been too many episodes, too long, with too much of life spent crying and afraid I tell him he has to do something and I get one of 2 responses - a yes and I am so sorry and you should never have to go through this, or a response that is harsh and threatening of himself so I am forced to pull back. The first response gives me hope that things will change, he will be good for maybe several weeks or a month and I get used to what a normal life could be and then it just cycles back again. The second response leaves me without choices and that is where I am right now as I write this. We have no support system, there is no where for him to go, no family close by, nothing. What he will often do is just walk off, turn off his phone and leave and I just sit here or I go after him. He always returns but knows how terrible it is when he leaves with no way of communicating and says I will find him hanging from a tree. I could say so much more, I could tell all of the stories. I have never reached out to a community of people who might know and for some reason I found this site today. I guess I want to know that people read this and think -yes that is BPD. I want to know if there is something I can do or say. I want to know from someone who has BPD how they feel and if it is right for me to keep forgiving these things. I want to know if there is treatment and what to do. I love my husband, it is not actually about love, I won't stop loving him, but I feel like I may need to stop this from happening because I can't live like this. I may have to leave because it is the best thing for me and maybe for him. I don't know if I should and I really don't know how to because he has no where to go.  I come to these breaking points because these episodes are too much, there is not enough reprieve. My life is suffering now too and I don't know if the in between is enough.

[Poppy Girl]

Hi, this is my first post. I am feeling broken right now, my husband is going through another time which we call an 'episode' they happen about weekly. I realize every time I think about leaving because it is so terrible and then he says he is sorry and we go on until the next time. It just has been so long, years and years and I love him, so I stay, but then I think - he does nothing to get better, he drinks, he lies, he is hurtful and mean and then when his head seems to clear - he is sorry. It's such a normal pattern and I am used to a level or crazy living that I think no one would understand or even imagine could actually happen, nor should anything like it ever happen but even once to someone. I hide it from friends and our family, I learned early on no one could quite understand it. I have one friend I can tell, but it is even too much to put on one person when it happens so often and then they think - why don't you do something about it? I don't know what to do. He was misdiagnosed and given medication that made him worse, he has had bad experience with therapists who don't get it, so now he just lives with it and then so do I. He should be getting some help, he won't do it, he may try one session and then he gives up. It is bad when your daughter has to identify that you live in a codependent relationship. I could list so many things no one knows have happened, they would ruin most other relationships, but I decided to stay. I guess I am hoping someone would know how I keep going and maybe tell me what these relationships look like. How can someone love me and really know me and show me such depth of knowing me and then say the most terrible things? Is that normal? He goes beyond what most husbands do for their wives, he gives and loves and thinks about me and anticipates me and then he hates me and he yells and he says things no one should ever hear. He is not medicated and he drinks and lies to me about it. I have told him 100's of times to just tell me the truth, to tell me when he feels so bad that he has to drink, he will not do it and this I also don't get. Why? I have decided to stay with him through worse and the lies still persist, it makes trusting him at all so hard and I wish I just could. Even as I write this, I think most people would wonder why I am still with him. Over the years as I learned what was actually going on I wanted to help, I wanted him to get help but there has been nothing. We have been to what I would think was the end and somehow we keep going. Now I just see this repeating cycle of pain and when I confront him on a lie or hidden drinking he denies it until he can't and then when given the choice to talk and own it, he deflects and suddenly I am a terrible wife and he says he is the one dealing with me and my problems, this then turns into anger and yelling and then he leaves to a place where I know he is not safe - like the garage. And he yells so neighbors can hear and does not care and he says he wants to die and refuses to come inside. I look at this as a game now, he knows what to say that hurts, he knows I am afraid he will kill himself and he will hit himself and keep yelling until I leave just so no one hears it all. But then I sit on the other side of a door just listening to make sure he is okay. How can he say the most loving and the most painful things to me? It that right? I mean I know it is not, but what option is there? I chose to stay, I know what I live with and for the most part it, when it is good, it is very good. But this life is weary and controlling and we often can't even make plans for events or with friends because his mood is so unpredictable. I have been at an end and he has been out of control and I could not stop it. I have had to call the police at least 5 times times because of his threats to take his own life and he goes to the hospital and we wait for him to become sober so he can make a decision and each time I hope they send him to some kind of rehab, because the alcoholism is just as bad now as the BPD now, but there is nothing, no place will take him and the places that might work with a dual diagnosis are too expensive and I don't even know if these places are what he needs. So he always gets sent home. Am I wrong to think that not even mental health professionals get this this? I think there are choices he could make to get better- stop drinking, exercise, go see someone - these would all be just basic things to make him healthier, he won't commit to any of them with consistency. Again when I am at breaking point, and there have been too many episodes, too long, with too much of life spent crying and afraid I tell him he has to do something and I get one of 2 responses - a yes and I am so sorry and you should never have to go through this, or a response that is harsh and threatening of himself so I am forced to pull back. The first response gives me hope that things will change, he will be good for maybe several weeks or a month and I get used to what a normal life could be and then it just cycles back again. The second response leaves me without choices and that is where I am right now as I write this. We have no support system, there is no where for him to go, no family close by, nothing. What he will often do is just walk off, turn off his phone and leave and I just sit here or I go after him. He always returns but knows how terrible it is when he leaves with no way of communicating and says I will find him hanging from a tree. I could say so much more, I could tell all of the stories. I have never reached out to a community of people who might know and for some reason I found this site today. I guess I want to know that people read this and think -yes that is BPD. I want to know if there is something I can do or say. I want to know from someone who has BPD how they feel and if it is right for me to keep forgiving these things. I want to know if there is treatment and what to do. I love my husband, it is not actually about love, I won't stop loving him, but I feel like I may need to stop this from happening because I can't live like this. I may have to leave because it is the best thing for me and maybe for him. I don't know if I should and I really don't know how to because he has no where to go.  I come to these breaking points because these episodes are too much, there is not enough reprieve. My life is suffering now too and I don't know if the in between is enough.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[paperinkart]

Hi Poppy!

A big, warm welcome to you.

I am SO glad you found this site today. I remember the relief I felt when I first joined the forum, simply because there were other people that finally understood and listened without judgement.

Nobody reading this is going to judge you for staying or leaving. We all have our reasons and I trust that you know your own heart and relationship well enough to make that choice for yourself. You don’t need our permission to decide to stay or leave but you have our support either way! It does sound like you are in a very emotional place and I would suggest avoiding making any sort of big decisions at this time. Anxiety and anger (and sadness and other big emotions) can make it feel like we need to decide what to do RIGHT. NOW. but I promise you can take a deep breath and wait until you have a clearer head.

While it does sound like your husband might have BPD traits (the “push-pull”, the “I hate you, don’t leave me”, the substance abuse, and especially the suicide threats), only a therapist or mental health professional can be the one to give a true diagnosis. In my case, my partner introduced me to the idea of BPD (I had never heard of it until a few months ago), and after doing enough reading on this site and a few others, I am pretty confident in our self-diagnosis. However, it really is best to ask a therapist if that is an option for you and him.

I have heard that some therapists either have difficulty with the BPD diagnosis or kind of think of it like a “lost cause” and won’t touch patients with it. If you haven’t been met by someone who takes this seriously and is willing to help, you need to search until you find someone with expertise in that area. Only then do you have a true shot at change. You mentioned some mis-diagnoses- has anyone discussed the idea of borderline with you or your husband before?

Anyway, just know we are all here for you and will take care of each other. You might find many stories on here from people that have experienced similar things as you. There isn’t much that is shocking to us haha.

Wishing you all the best!