I don’t understand what happened.

[Diavel1015]

Hey all,
I do have to admit, I have never spoken to my ex about Bpd nor have I really looked in to it before I came across some of the traits and realized that it’s a possibility.
I started dating her in late October and the first 3 weeks were fine. We were getting to know each other and it was easy. Then on our third date I took her to a play which wasn’t to her liking and she got very angry with me, left what was planned to be a romantic evening, told me she felt like a cheap date, and blocked me. The next day she unblocked me and she explained why she was sorry and things moved forward. This happened maybe 3 more times. We ended up getting physical about 6 weeks or so later. I didn’t mind that it took a while as I liked spending time with her. The sex was amazing and everything was falling in to place.
The beginning of December she broke it off again for a reason I don’t recall but we had planned to go to a nye party and when I asked her if she’d still go she said she wouldn’t let me down. We got back together shortly after that conversation. Christmas Eve we spent an amazing night together but at around 4am Christmas morning I found myself driving home because I didn’t take allergy medicine, started wheezing and woke her up. I have never seen her get so angry and I couldn’t even get a word in. The next day things were ok again.
The nye party was amazing and we had a great time. It seemed great for a longer period of time. Then around mid February I took her to a friends house who was having a get together. All night we had fun and at the end of the night she was asking me things like “do you think your friends liked me?” I replied that it’s a silly question but of course they did.
The next morning we woke up and I was kind of quiet. She asked me what was wrong and finally I admitted that I was a little down because we didn’t have sex. I only see her once a week as we live about an hour apart. She got very mad at me, told me that she wasn’t my girlfriend and left. Then she sent me a few messages that basically listing all of the reasons we can’t work. Lifestyle, distance (which she brought up before and which is why I was mostly coming to her) past relationships, etc.
I was devastated clearly. I didn’t do anything wrong except not communicate about my feelings until she asked me about what was wrong.
We were obviously friends on social media and I had never met her friends so sometimes I looked at who she interacted with. I had no reason to believe she was unfaithful and to be honest I still don’t think she was physically. It took us a long time to sleep together and the chemistry was definitely there. We also didn’t sleep together every time I saw her which led me to believe it was more than sex for her too.
After the break up, we got together and had a nice dinner, had sex, and the following week she said we should stop talking. I noticed she had a couple of photos posted with a guy and I recognized him from one of the people I saw reacting to her in the past. That’s when it clicked that she met someone before she left me. I left her alone and didn’t tell her I knew. What was the point? It hurt but hey life goes on.
A week or two later she sent me some weird grocery list and I didn’t respond. Then she said that she feels awful for what happened between us and apologized. I noticed that her and that guy were no longer friends on social media so I felt like she was being sincere. She cried told me she was scared and admitted to having one foot out the door the whole time. She also said this pandemic made her realize who she wanted to spend time with. I told her I love her and she said she wanted to be with me officially. It lasted a week and it was incredible. No lashing out or any thing like before.
One night I brought her some supplies as my state was about to go in to a stay-at-home order. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I told her this was just in case I couldn’t come down to her for a while and she said that that was going to make her cry since she just got me back. She asked me if this was a “good bye” gift to which I responded “definitely not.” We had a great dinner and I held her in bed for a while before I had to go home (no sex). I went home and somehow I had the bright idea to look at her social media. I noticed that the guy was following her again and I called her. It was late and I honestly just wanted to find out what’s going on. I told her I figured it out before and I didn’t care but this was concerning. She thanked me for talking about it and it seemed fine. She said he could help her network and meet people. She did block me on social media which I honestly deserved.
The next morning she sent me a smiley face to which I responded with “I like what you like too and let’s be honest and open with each other.” She didn’t like that. Sent me a long text saying that I get too emotional, and she’s going to block me until she calms down. A few hours later she called me and I apologized for snooping and she accepted my apology as well as apologized herself.. We were seemingly fine. I was of course embarrassed. I haven’t snooped since I was in my late teens and jealousy is not a trait that I have.
Later the same day I asked about dinner and she said she can only do a few days from now. We are in quarantine and she works from home so I asked if something was wrong. She responded saying she’s not dealing with me and blocked me. Later that evening she called and was absolutely bitter and insulting while I was calm but I ended up hanging up on her. I tried calling back but was blocked. I sent her an email saying I don’t like being talked to like that and apologized for hanging up on her.  
The next morning she said she was thankful for having had me in her life and that she’s mad at me, hurt, and confused. She also mentioned a trivial activity we planned and if I got bored she’d love to do it and that she is always there for me. I tried to respond but I was blocked (?).
It’s been 3 weeks since that day and I have officially been “ghosted” (I’ve never been ghosted in my life). I sent her a hand full of emails only to apologize and tell her that if we’re both available we could try again. I didn’t know I was ghosted and I haven’t heard from her so I asked if she was feeling ok through all of this going on. No response. I then just sent her a nice email telling her it was nice to meet her and that I did cross the line by checking on her social media. Also, I am her friend if she needs me.
Guys I feel terrible for getting down to the snooping level. I feel like a creep. Everything else I did with her and for her I am proud of. I honestly treated her the best way I know how to treat a woman. It was effortless for me.
 I’m doing fine physically. Mentally I’m just ok. I miss her and I feel like I betrayed her trust.
The reason I’m here is because most of her nuances resemble Bpd to a T. Constant hot and cold, blocking, anger, extreme affection, etc. I do feel like she was herself with me after a certain point. That’s why it’s a more difficult break up. I really did fall in love with this woman. It was just that little slip up that I wish I could undo.
I have to assume she’s with the other guy and I don’t really care. We’re broken up and it’s no longer my concern. I don’t know if I would take her back if she magically reappears again. Like I said, I’ve never been ghosted so I don’t know how that all works.
I just don’t understand why she would mention a get together, tell me she’s there for me, and then “ghost” me before I could even reply.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Diavel1015]

Truth is I do want her. I don’t know if I want her back in the same capacity, however. I would love the opportunity to talk to her about this eventually but I feel like she would feel like it’s “beneath her.” Not to mention the fact that I’m blocked everywhere.

[juju2]

Welcome 

You are in the right place.

There is hope, experience, strength here.

I haven't been blocked before, I have done the blocking.

I guess all there is now is to wait for her to unblock you.

I did send a card to my pwBPD, probably not a great idea.  It worked out ok.

Mostly just hang in there, she will probably reach out again, and unblock you, I guess be prepared and think about how you would like that to go.

You can reach out here before you respond to her.   There are many people here with lots of experience in all different situations.

I am separated, over two years, we are taking tiny steps towards reconciliation.
Our total relationship time is 13 years in September.

If she does have a disorder, and even if she doesnt, there are a lot of things to read and learn here.

Sincerely


amback

[Diavel1015]

Thank you for your reply. Thing is, I did nothing to warrant being blocked, except possibly calling her to talk about why the guy was back in the picture. She seemed ok with it but I imagine that broke her trust which was thin to begin with I didn’t want to blow up her phone or insult her. I have nothing bad to say to her. She is free to do what she wants.
We dated for 5 months. Well, 5 months and 1 week. It’s strange because during the minimal blocking stages, I did things that would probably be considered a bad idea such as you did. It worked out every time. That’s why I’m lost. I would much rather be sure that she is done for good but her last message has me unsure.
She threatened to call the cops if I showed up at her home in a random voicemail at the end. It was a mix between I will block you between this time and that time, to I hope I hear from you before that time to I’ll call the police if you show up. I never implied I was going to or planned to. This was before the very kind “good bye, if you want to do something if you get bored, I’d love to” message. Now it’s nothing.
I am moving forward. I remodeled a part of my house, working out, getting great grades in grad school. I don’t want my life to stop. I just want her in it.

[juju2]

I hear you.

I guess since I have blocked before, it's about how that person feels at that moment.
It's not a well thought out action. 
That action right there says the person may be disordered.  They are acting out of impulse.

In my life, with everyone, and especially w BPD person, it doesn't help me to be reactionary.
I have to bring my best self.  To be in a relationship w a disordered person.
I have to deal with my state of mind.
Out of that comes my actions.

My thoughts are so integral.  To who I am.
My thoughts can be tended like a garden.
I can stop ruminating.

So I have been learning, and learning again, re learning.

There is always room for me to learn some more.

everything is ok.  This is a safe place.
All I am sharing is what I have learned.

[Diavel1015]

I guess since I have blocked before, it's about how that person feels at that moment.
It's not a well thought out action. 
That action right there says the person may be disordered.  They are acting out of impulse.

Impulse is an easy out. It can mean she’s going to stick to it because it’s easier. Way easier than to think she has to explain herself. I don’t want an explanation especially after learning all of this. Telling her this won’t work even if I wasn’t blocked.

[juju2]

Ok.

and we are here talking about your relationship.

So she was dumb.  Did a stupid move.

Something I have done also.

All I am sharing from the standpoint of someone who did this, is, she will probably want to reach out at some point.

There is hope, strength and experience on every level in all kinds of relationships, in this community.

[Diavel1015]

Ok.

and we are here talking about your relationship.

So she was dumb.  Did a stupid move.

Something I have done also.

All I am sharing from the standpoint of someone who did this, is, she will probably want to reach out at some point.

There is hope, strength and experience on every level in all kinds of relationships, in this community.

Thank you. I am definitely not trying to argue and I hope you’re right. It’s just what I’m thinking about.

[Diavel1015]

I also did a stupid move. Checking her social media and confronting her about it instead of trusting her. I swear I haven’t even thought about doing that since my first relationship 12 years ago. It’s embarrassing.

[juju2]

Good work.
It's these moments when I see my mistakes that give me compassion.

Others make mistakes.

I am one of the others.  I am one of them.

[Diavel1015]

She just messaged me with a smiley face. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve been in a couple of car accidents and right after I feel like I’m not in reality. That’s how I feel right now.

[juju2]

Just go with it.

Be light.

She is most probably just reaching out.

Don't over think it.

Return like for like.

When it's good.  (bad things I can ignore, when I have done my work on myself)

I have learned not to over do.

Smiley face, gets a smiley face.

Etc.

[juju2]

I guess you are not blocked anymore!

[Diavel1015]

I’m not sure. Her iMessage came through as both that and text and when I replied it never said “delivered.” Im still blocked on social media which I couldn’t care less.
I just told her I’m glad to see she’s ok. I think a smiley face would’ve been overdoing it. I feel like she needs to try a little harder. I don’t want her thinking I’m waiting for her to reach out. I want her to be comfortable reaching out. I actually honestly didn’t think she would and I’m doing better every day, although of course I still think about her.
I think it’s a different situation than some of the posts I’ve read here. We weren’t married and don’t have much tying us together besides the times weve shared. I can’t yet tell what they meant to her although something tells me there was something there for her too.
I’m going to give her the space she needs. At least I know she doesn’t completely hate me.

[juju2]

Do what you need to.

There is a learning curve.

What is intuitive, normal.  Does not seem to apply.  In my situation.

And I had and have a learning curve.

All I meant with return like with like is one word=1word.
One symbol. Gets one symbol.
One thing I do agree with, he is not about consequences...no where do I read about the disorder being aware of their behaviour.  and what I have experienced agrees with this.
It's always, today is a new day, now is a new moment, etc.
I do not get apologies, i'm sorry, I was wrong.
I think he is in complete dark when it comes to being aware of how things get received.

[Diavel1015]

Bpd seems like an untouchable issue. Almost as if it’s a disorder that manifested for reasons no one can pinpoint and fixate on. The way I understand it, it can be from a multitude of trauma, or from one that played a major impact.
I can be a bump along the downward spiral as far as I know, and I’m starting to feel like that’s the best case scenario for me. I guess that’s why people often advise us to move on.
I’m 32yo and although that’s young, I’m tired of searching for the right person to share my life with. I have been in and out of relationships by my choice or theirs and it has always hurt but I’ve managed to move forward. I’ve had no choice. I wonder why this one feels different.
I saw her in a dating app tonight. I wanted to interact but it felt like the wrong thing to do. I don’t want to come off as too needy and I certainly don’t want to be a fall back.
I just want her to be happy and I want to be happy as well. If she is happy with being with another guy, I will be satisfied and I will work on my own happiness and I will find it. I feel like that’s what the word ‘love’ means. I’m not sure where I’m at with her. I wish she would just tell me instead of sending me trivial emojis and blocking me again.
I’m just a guy. It’s only been 5.25 months. What the heck?

[juju2]

I get it.

So this is a huge community.  There are a lot of experiences here.

Understanding the disorder helps to a degree.  Understanding helps if I get tools and modify my behaviour.  By modifying my behaviour, my thoughts, my actions,
I can make it through this.  The bad times.

I guess take it one day at a time.
Find enjoyment in the life you have.
If the two of you are together, have more times together, enjoy that.
Be in the now.

[Diavel1015]

It sucks being a romantic. I know this is a blimp in my life. It would be so much easier if she would just say what she wants and does what she says.
There are women out there that would give me the companionship, the understanding, the physical affection, the love, and the hardships, but this is is like walking a tight rope between loosing myself, and loosing her.
I’m not a narcissist or a sociopath but I had a thought cross my mind. If I was to give in and play it “the right way” I would be able to get the physical affection and the companionship at least for a brief time. I can do it.
Seeing her message me, thinking it through, responding, finding out I was blocked again, and then seeing her on dating sites makes me think that’s pure manipulation. Did I not respond in time? Did her iMessage coming through as a text make her think I blocked her giving her a reason to block me again? That’s what happened to her last message she sent me.
I wish she’d tell me to F off or stop the contact. It’s simple.
Like I said, the hopeless romantic wants to see where it goes. I doubt she’ll find happiness but I hope she does.
There was a girl I dated for 3 years. The biggest thing that helped me get over her was when she got happily married and started a family. We’re on good terms although we obviously don’t talk anymore.
I wish her the best and I want to block her out but I can’t. I hate not knowing. I don’t know if learning about Bpd helped. I’m starting to think she’s a psychopath, medically speaking. Why hover? Does she think I’m stupid? Or was the sex and affection that good?

[once removed]

i dont know if this is all about the social media snooping.

there was a great deal of fighting, and on and off between the two of you over five months. there was for my ex and i in our first three months. it can really break a relationship down.

do you think that might be at play here?