Hi all. I will try to make this as concise as possible
My question is: I would like to know if my “BPD” ex is now caught (again) in an abusive relation, and if I should worry about her.
I have an ex girlfriend (we dated on/off for a while 7 years ago) with signs of BPD and/or CPTSD. Not the substance abuse, promiscuity or impulsive behaviour with money. But the mood-swings, manipulation, random anger outbursts, not being able to accept sincere love, splitting, low self esteem, feeling empty, fear of abandonment, self blame, insomnia, anxiety, depression: yes. She’s very beautiful, charismatic and sexual. But shy, insecure and inexperienced in bed. I know that before me she had been in a physically abusive relationship. I know she has been abandoned as a child.
Our relationship was long distance (countless hours of video chats) and we met in person a handful of times. Each time was magical and fantastic, but also mentally draining, because of the BPD traits. I eventually moved on with my life after not seeing how to take the next step with her. She would dream of living together and start a family, something I was not interested in at all at that point in my life.
However, we always stayed in touch. Sometimes friendly, sometimes flirty, sometimes just giving little updates about our lives. We both felt something special existed between us and we could never ever really forget about each other. We always stayed each other’s big “what if?”. We always kept using our pet names for each other. And we both loved to talk about all our inside jokes and crazy memories and how much in love we were. She would sometimes ask if she was my big love. If despite us not working out, if she was still the best thing that ever happened to me. Or send me a text in the middle of the night asking if she stole my heart that first time we met in person. I think in the past 4 years the longest time we didn't exchange some kind of communication is max 20 days.
About one year after us breaking up she found a new boyfriend, a seemingly simple guy from a small village with a very normal job and simple life and background. (Quite the opposite of me and her). First I was actually happy for her that she found someone to settle, and do the kids/family thing with. But for the past 5 years now, they have been in a continuous break/up-make/up cycle. I’d say the break up every 3 to 4 months on average. Where she always breaks up with him, and he just doesn’t or can’t let her go (her words), and eventually they just ‘slide’ back into being a couple again. Each time they would have a “crisis” she would reach out to me, reminisce about us and the great memories we share, and hint at meeting again. But each time when this idea would get concrete (like me proposing a date or ready to book a flight) something would come up or she would disappear for a while and she’d be ‘back’ with her ex.
Sometimes she would reach out while the relationship was still “on”. Sometimes it would result in sexting/fantasising and she would feel guilty about it as it made her feel she’s cheating. Stating that her boyfriend is ‘very jealous’ and he already hates it when she’s texting her ‘now just friends-ex’ (me). But she also had me send lingerie to her work address once after another fantasy of getting together at some point. I played along in this dynamic and also have been guilty of being involved in other relationships while secretly keeping in touch with her. We both did the same secret thing, sometimes I knew for sure we were texting at 3:00am and both would have someone else fast asleep next to us. I think that’s also a reason why, when she and her ex would eventually always drift back together again, I would shrug my shoulders and not try to interfere in her happiness. I would leave her alone, until the next cycle appeared. I had my own life too and if it would ‘happen’ again between us eventually, the moment would present itself.
But after 2 years the things she would say about her relationship would start trouble me a bit more. At first I could imagine them just fighting a lot as a couple, because of her wild emotional mood-swings. And the “breaking up” happened during one of her episodes, only to get “back together” again a few days later. But now she broke up and even moved to a different city alone, to start a new life for herself. She was convinced it was just not gonna happen with him and she was completely over him. Of course she also hinted at me visiting her new place to relive ‘us’, but very soon the ex was back. Semi following her, staying with her half of the week in the other city and pulling her back into the relationship. She would now start to say things like: how he lost all sexual interest in her and makes her feel
PLEASE READ about herself in front of others. That he makes her feel it’s her fault. That he destroys her self esteem. That she feels rejected by him and doesn’t know why he can’t just let her go. That she broke up with him many times. That he sometimes ends up sleeping in a hotel because they argue so much. That she calls him her ex, and he calls her his girlfriend. That they entered a brother-sister kind of relationship, where he just ignores the fact she broke up and acts like they are still together.
I stay in touch with her, but now more in a supportive way because I feel she’s not doing well. She disappears a bit, reaches out again, wants to see me (I’m ‘single’ again) but disappears again when plans get concrete. This goes on for another year. Then her mother unexpectedly dies. She goes through the whole grieving and funeral aftermath etc process together with him. I check in with her every now and then for support.
A few months later, instead of the usual texting, she calls me. We never call. I think it’s the first time we hear each other’s voice again in at least 3 years. She tells me she finally really broke up with her boyfriend. And that is was a hard thing to do right after the ordeal of the funeral etc. We talk for hours just like back the old days. We video chat a couple of nights in a row, until the sun comes up. We have deep and meaningful conversations. She really hits my emotions by talking about how safe she still feels with me, how much she trusts me, how I truly understand her. She also tells me she secretly kept some items from me in her house, how she avoided visiting certain places with her ex because me and her have memories there. And very quickly it got flirty/sexual again too. Getting naked on screen. She wants to meet me to 'do it all over again' and picks a date. I do recognise this as an idealising phase. And it works like hell! I start falling in love with her again! And I got it bad!
I actually tell her about my feelings after a few days and this triggers a couple of very bad weeks full of pull/push, hot and cold, emotional manipulation, triangulation, which can be another topic on itself. But I (stupidly) end up booking a flight to see her anyway (I know, I know.. Even when you’re older and wiser and see what’s happening it’s next to impossible to resist). And of course it all goes horribly wrong. Again, I could fill another full topic about how this played out, but I see what happened and what I have become a victim off. Short version: passionately kissing one moment, random anger the next moment, on repeat. It ended with a nasty episode of splitting and her stating that everything we ever had was just an illusion. That she feels no connection anymore, that she never loved me. She also randomly accused me of being a potential physical abuser, and this is now ultimate ‘proof’ she can never be with me ever again. And this is where I started to worry a bit. These claims are so "far out" and so much show her level of dissociation, that I’m now afraid she is simply projecting her current relationship.
During all this chaos, at some point she tells me that all this time her ex still was in hanging around in her life. She tells me he kept the keys to her house all this time, and sometimes entered her place when she’s at work, checking if there’s still pictures of him, or leaving a message. That he has been love-bombing her by showing up to give her a ride to the airport, bringing flowers etc. When I asked why she would allow all that when it’s over, she replied that this is what he always does, acting like they are still together, ignoring the fact that she broke up with him. And that she feels she can’t be really bitchy to him after all he did for her. And that his father is very sick and she feels she has to be there for him too. She also tells me he plans to move in with her next month because of a new job he has "close to her place" and he didn’t find another apartment for himself yet. She feels like she can’t refuse because he still pays part of the rent. She also says she’s afraid to drift back into the relationship with him again.
If all this is true, then she herself is a victim of a toxic narcissist? His controlling and manipulative behaviour is very creepy, if all she says is true. Also considering everything else I heard about him the past years. I only know her side of the story of course. But I also remember right before the splitting started she send me a picture with a huge cut in her nose. An “an accident when going out” she explained it.
In between all this she, out of the blue, in a wild mood swing she accuses me of being too OK with him still being in her life. That I’m so soft, not a real man, that I should fight for her and conquer her and she starts mocking me that she could be sleeping with him and me at the same time and I wouldn’t even mind!
The last thing I hear from her is: I’ve decided to give another chance to the person who actually been there for me the past five years. (Which sounds like she’s echo-ing his words if you ask me) And for the first since we know each other she blocked me on all platforms.
What is going on here? And can someone who has BPD traits herself and manipulates, be manipulated like this herself? Is this proof she's in another repeated toxic/abusive relationship like the one she had before me? Or is she making everything up and is her ex actually the only stable factor in her life who is pretty unfazed by her episodes? Did they really break up at all? Did she try to escape by reaching out to me but didn't succeed, because like always her ex prevents it?
Also, what will happen if they go through another cycle of breaking up (chances are 100% I think) and she possible contacts me again? How to respond? Or am I splitted black for good?
I used to be happy that she at least has someone who is there for her and caring / keeping up with her, but now I'm not so sure anymore if she's ok.
Thanks in advance!
