Self isolation being used to keep me from Grandchild

[Blueskyday]

My Grandchild is 8. I have been having her every Saturday and Sunday since October. We are very close. She has had problems with her Mum. Her Mother and I have been estranged since October.

I asked my dtr if given there is a pandemic we can try to work at least a tolerable relationship. Well it didn't last long.

I have been alone since 13th March. My GP thinks I had Covid-19 . I was so ill I almost called an ambulance twice. I am better now but it looked bad there for a while. I took tranquilizers to sleep knowing they could do little for me in hospital. I wasn't sure I would wake up a couple of nights. The pain and burning in my lungs was unbearable.

My dtr has been working from home. She has a party app where she can speak to people etc. she has these party times in the evenings..She buys a bottle of vodka a week she tells me. Her friends call her every night..So I figure she is fine.

Problem is she was all set for her friend to come and isolate with her but she hasn't had the all clear to work from home yet. So she tells me that this girl will move in next wed..She has not been self isolating. I asked my dtr how she can be sure that this girl won't be carrying Coronavirus..She went a bit mad at this.I got the obligatory reams of text messages, reams and reams .I said you do realise I only asked one question? I am left wondering if she is prepared to place this child at risk to be with this favourite person. She said she went on a bus and that is as dangerous as her friend moving in.

A day later

My Grandbaby broke down on a Skype call. I think her Mother is starting in on her again as she has been texting how spoiled the child is and how she can't get a moment.., never sleeps, is up when I'm up...Nothing she does is good enough blah blah..This is not my experience of the same child.

I saw her little lip quiver . I knew she was so sad and I said you miss me don't you. she wept and her Mother laid into me then and there with the child sitting weeping. She refused to take over the call as she said she "looked terrible" fgs..It was so traumatic for me and the child. I tried to reassure her that I am still here bit the call had gone to heck..They hung up.

I then get a text telling me that "these are the child's words not mine. She finds it too hard to see you so can you only wotsapp. She is not responding to you on Wotsapp because she is afraid you will call her".

That was 3 days ago. It is Easter Sunday..I am totally alone.

I have not heard from the child or my dtr. It is Easter weekend and a pandemic..

This could go on for months.
I don't know what to do.

I am shocked that I am shocked by my dtr's coldness

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Blueskyday

Not such a "blue-sky-day" for you, huh?  So sorry you are having to go through this...even more hurtful that this is supposed to be a day of joy.

I wondered if this pandemic would bring some healing with our daughter but, sadly, our story is pretty well the same as yours.  We did get a 1-liner email telling us to contact her if we needed anything...but soon realized that was all she was offering.  I really am thankful that I have gotten myself to the point where I can truthfully and honestly say..."Oh well!"  There always will be a tear in my eye, though.  She is my child.  I am her Mom.

Unlike you, our grandchildren are now grown adults.  I do know how heart-wrenching it is for you with yours being so young.  Not fair to him/her...not fair to you!

I am also sorry to read that you have been brushed by this Covid-19.  If in fact this was it you suffered from, what great, GREAT news that you are a survivor.  Too many times we are focussing on the number of deaths...not on the way higher number of those who have got it and survived.  WooHoo for you, Blueskyday!   WooHoo!

Wish there was something I could say/do to take away the pain you are feeling...the sadness of being alone.  I so hope you can take some comfort in being involved here...reaching out...then having others reach back.

From one Grandmother to another...…((HUGS)

Huat

[Blueskyday]

Thanks Haut,
I am glad you can shake off your daughter's coldness. It really is about her and not about you. Sadly the offer sounds like lip service.
 
I did actually self administer the drug Trump has been touting. That and an antibiotic saved me I think. I have it for my Lupus. You just tweak the protocol for Covid-19. I think it saved me. Of course without testing we can't know if I have had it.

I messaged my dtr before I get too mad. I got upset these last couple of days but can't let her use this time to create a wedge between me and the child.
I won't go away. I hold her accountable and she hates it.

She is completely oblivious to how badly she attacked me on that video call
She said its all going ahead and her friend is moving in Wed. I am not happy about this at all.

This girl has a boyfriend and lives with a couple who have a kid going back and forth between the dad and her Mum.
Is the friend really not going to spend time with her boyfriend before hunkering down with my dtr?. He lives in a shared house with 4 medical people.

I don't like how she and my daughter behave together. They don't care about anything other than themselves.

I have also wotsapped the child . She has agreed to chat every day with me at 5pm.. The video is too much for her and that is OK. It was my dtr who created the trauma in the video call the other day. She is encouraging the child to stuff her feelings down so as not to be a bother.

I think Wotsapp may actually be better than calling as my dtr chimes in when we are on a phone call.

Hopefully the next few days will be easier.

I am working from home and living alone so its hard to stay in any positive frame of mind

[Huat]

Keep hanging in there, Blueskyday!

I want to point out that I am well ahead of you in age...have been on this roller coaster for many more years than you.  It has taken a lot of time and energy to finally get myself to the point of being able to say things like..."WHATEVER!"   There are not that many years ahead of me so about time, wouldn't you say?

You keep posting, Blueskyday.  You need to get things off your chest...others in similar situations need to read what you have to say and realize that they are not alone. 

Together we will work everything out.

I am happy to report that in the community in which I live, more and more people are walking out of their doors at 7pm with the noise-maker of their choice  to send a tribute to all those Front Line'ers...not only the marvellous medical people but also grocery clerks, long-haul drivers...the list goes on.

Huat

[Blueskyday]

  I always feel grounded when I come here and it's because of people like you 

2020 sucks

[Huat]

I'm smiling.   Thank you!

Huat

[Blueskyday]

She sent me a photograph of the child's bedroom. The room she didn't bother to clean for the child is now all stripped of any trace of the child and ready for the friend. It looks like a hotel room and the house which stank like the city dump is finally cleaned.

Of course I am pleased that my Granchild will now be in a cleaner house. However its not lost on me that people do what they want to do.
She never wanted to clean it for her own child.

My Grandbaby will sleep in her Mother's bed from Wed onward. I know her and the friend will be drinking every night.
My dtr will flop into the bed drunk with the child in there.

What message does all of  this send to the child? Now she doesnt even get to sleep in a bed of her own.

 She has already told me when they are together they drink and ignore her. She has sent me texts last summer from bars and restaurants as she was bored and they were talking..multiple occasions. She has told me how drunk they get.

I am not happy. I can see no good coming out of this for the child.

I will bite my tongue. The communications from her will stop once this friend moves in, probably a good thing.

I can only wait until the lockdown ends and go and get her for a while at least.

The dog, her dog who soils her house and is "a curse" has been with me for a month. She is a total joy. She is so happy and well behaved. She woke me up at 4am to go out because she would rather not soil my house. She doesnt fear me, she loves me and fears disappointing me. The child I reckon is pretty much the same.

As for my dtr, I can't help but feel as bad as this sounds that she would like me to just dissapear

[twocrazycats]

Bluesky, I'm glad to see you back but sorry that your daughter is still treating you horribly.
I hope things at least settle down after the friend moves in. It's good, at least, with the lock down, your daughter won't be going far even though she's still drinking.

I'm glad you're over your illness. It does sound a lot like the descriptions of COVID that I've heard. I'm so glad you had the medication and used it. A lot of doctors here in the states are using it even though the media keeps pushing the idea that it must be bad. I'm glad you had it on hand. I wouldn't worry too much about your granddaughter getting sick with it. Children generally only get mild cases or sometimes no symptoms at all. The bigger danger would be if she was carrying the virus and brought it to you, but it really does sound like you've already had it.

I have no advice for dealing with your daughter, just lots of sympathy. I'm also taking things day to day with my own daughter home now. She's bored and lonely and her emotions are extreme. My son flew home to the states from London, where he is in a graduate program. He said the day he flew home, they closed the airport that night, and a couple of days later, London was on complete lock down. I'm very relieved to have him safe at home.

I'm also glad to hear that the dog is with you. It must be a nice break for both you and the dog.

I hope you'll keep posting.
2CC

[Blueskyday]

2cc, I am quiet because I realise the risk to the child is smaller than the risk to my dtr. Of course should they get ill I will still be on speed dial . I would be expected to swoop in regardless..Pandemic or no.

I am relieved to hear your son is not here in London. I am not far and I can tell you it's not pretty there at the moment.

I love the dog. She is so funny and happy here. I couldn't have made it through without her. She may not go back exept for a few days here and there. My dtr screams at her and doesn't take her for walks.

During the lockdown my Grandchild isnt even being taken for a walk..

I found Gabor Mate again last night on youtube. He was doing a workshop around when the body says no. He encouraged people to ask what they were really upset about and to examine their authenticity in the workshop. It gave me pause. He says we aren't upset about what were upset about. So I examined all of my upset at the moment..Apart from a pandemic ( ayy ayy ayy)

I came to this conclusion

I am angry that my dtr has chosen to isolate away from me with the child. Realistically this was never an option so my anger around this is misplaced.
 I am sad that I struggle to accept and that it is fact I really have no bond with my own child.

 I am resentful of her putting herself first all of the time. I am jealous that this girl is moving in with them. I want to be with the child and make her feel safe and as normal as possible. I am worried about the child but  at least with someone else there at least my dtr will be fake nice around her during that time to impress the friend . She has multiple personas and the super sweet one seems to come out with the friend.

If I was with my dtr she would act up at every opportunity. We would bicker and it would not be good for the child. I have to accept the reality of our relationship. I still struggle with letting go.

I am fine here is the truth. Me and the pooch are settled. I have a decade of semi isolation behind me. Due to Lupus this for me is a bit of a walk in the park. I am lonely but then I am always alone except for when students are here.

 I was ahead of the curve all the way and have enough food for 6 months should it all close down. I didn't stockpile all at once though. I slowly gathered staples from January. By the time stockpiling happened I was done.
My dtr assured me that I was crazy and this was nothing, ridiculed me when I advised her to ensure she got the basics.

Somehow during this lockdown I will find a way to accept that this girl is never going to accept me, never going to change

[PeaceMom]

Blue,
I’m glad to see that you are better after your illness. This is a lonely, isolating and scary time. My dog brings me comfort, too.
What you mention about Gabor Mate brought to mind Marsha Linehan’s équation of Pain + unacceptance = suffering
Pain + acceptance= change (or at the least the possibility of change). I’m really starting to understand this at a deep level and I’m seeing some positive change in my relationship w/DD.
This equation hit me in a new way recently when I listened to the NEA-BPD seminars this week. They are taught by DBT traines facilitators for the family Connections program.
 

[Blueskyday]

Peacemom,
I am really struggling this time round.
I am going to have a hard time pulling myself up from this.

I am totally alone in the world. I don't have a single friend on the other side of my door.

I got here slowly like how you boil a frog. I can see how it happened. I withdrew and withdrew some more into deep depression.

Not sure how I will proceed from here

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

Just wanted to say hello. You have many friends on here. Hopefully you will see your gd very soon. Hugs from mggt

[Swimmy55]

True, Mggt.
Hang on Blue, don't beat yourself up too much.  Remember, we are also in a pandemic, so we are in weird times not conducive to making new friends right now.  Be gentle with yourself and reach out here when you need to. 

[Blueskyday]

Thank you all so much.
I know I have friends here.


The child is reluctant to respond to my messages . I am trying but they go unanswered.

The child simply doesn't want to communicate with me because she can't be with me. Her Mother is quite happy for this scenario to continue.


I think I just need to stop chasing.

[twocrazycats]

I think I just need to stop chasing.

It sounds like a good idea to stop chasing. Your granddaughter knows you are there for her. That probably helps her get through the days. I know thoughts of my grandmother helped keep me going when I was a child. It's sad that our daughters don't respond to us the way non bpd's do. And it's such a long, painful road to acceptance of that reality. We are all here with you.
2CC

[Blueskyday]

Today was easier, no respose from the messages I sent to the child yesterday before I decided to step back. I have not contacted my dtr and she has not contacted me.

I do feel so much better when not in contact with her.

Work was hard even from home. The big boss kept me working non stop until my body ached. I am fast so the work kept coming but the kitchen table is not ideal.

I am an essential worker therefore am working from home due to my Lupus. Hard as it was it helps.

Me and the pooch have the rest of our Easter holiday until Monday now. We snoozed after an 8 hr day and both had a bath .

We both smell lovely and she is so soft and fluffy..

If the weather holds we may do some gardening over the next 2 days.

As always, much love and gratitude to my friends here. You are my lifeline and are in my thoughts xx

[Blueskyday]

3 more weeks of lockdown announced today in the UK.That takes us to mid May..Still if we do go out it will all start back up again.

Received an odd message from my dtr asking if my Grandchild had been better at communicating with me.
Very odd as I know she checks the child's phone to see who she is taking to..I told her to leave her be and I will wait until the child is ready to chat.

I really Know now I have to step back

[Huat]

Hey Blueskyday

  Good for you! 

Cool...cool...play it cool!  There was no tension on your part being conveyed back to your daughter.  The more these kind of interactions...the better and better you will feel...and bolstered up to handle the not-so-nice contacts from her.

Yep, we are hunkered down in my part of the world (western Canada), too.  Good news comes from our public health officials that "the curve" is showing signs of flattening...but warnings that we are a loong way off to getting back to what life used to be...no slacking off!.

So glad to read and feel a difference in this post as compared to those you sent out a couple of days ago.  Sure not criticizing you for that!  So good to be able to air those kinds of feelings and here you can do it.   We all have those "down days."  It is good to recognize them for what they are when they come along...then remind ourselves that our history shows that we do/can come out of clouds and eventually get glimpses of the sun.

Awww...so nice that you have that 4-legged friend as an ever-loyal companion.  Also nice you have a little (large?) plot of land where you can get lost in planting for the better future.

Huat

[Blueskyday]

Yes Haut, the crisis hit..boy did I go down. Isolation does strange things to a person. I am still shaky ( literally) but I am determined that I am going to be strong.

I hope you guys can get some normalcy soon  

My message to my dtr was so carefully worded..Took a few attempts to get the tone just right so as to avoid any, any, and all attempts to spin into something excruciatingly negative by her.
I know we all know how that feels.

I have lost a huge part of my income so I face financial challenges as well but I have a lot to be thankful for. I can't pay the gas bill or local tax bill but what the heck! What is the worst that can happen?

I  am focusing in getting my head out of the immediate future. It doesn't feel like a time for me to be in the now.
Having said that I am fasting on and off and planting the garden so as not to waste the opportunity that hides beneath this crisis that we all face.

When it's over I shall be slimmer, healthier and my garden will be  blooming with beautiful flowers.
When it warms I can set up my 12ft pool and warm it with my stolen electricity !..They have already forbidden the companies to cut anyone off for the next 3 months. So I am again coming out of the denial that my dtr will ever be there for me as an adult.
Out of my Codependent coma. Maybe, hopefully for the final time..Did it really take a Pandemic?

The child is healthy.
I have a nice home and a modest garden
I don't have to leave my home to earn a living
I have the dog, wonderful sweet, loving funny character who loves me unconditionally.

I can eat.
A lot of people can't say the same.
I plan to keep shifting the focus back to gratitude.

Interacting with my dtr always leaves me feeling less than. Always leaves me feeling like a bad person.
I am not reaching out to her. The last time I did I told her I wasn't coping alone. This was when the child wasn't responding to my messages last week.It's not a healthy way for the child to process what's happening either by pretending I don't exist because she misses me. I tried to explain. I'm not just thinking about myself.
I guess I hoped she would say she would encourage her to call or even send the odd message.

She said "I don't know what to suggest!"