new here and telling my story. experiencing some anxiety

[sebian77]

Hey guys! Glad to have found the group. I want to tell you a little bit about what im going through. Ive been with my girlfriend almost 4 months. I love her and we have great chemistry in many ways. In other ways, its been a rollercoaster as it usually is with BPD relationships. She has told me she was diagnosed with BPD as well as other diagnoses. It took me awhile to figure out how much that diagnosis makes sense although she doesnt pay much attention to it. Weve gotten in quite alot of arguments and for awhile I thought it was just a fact that we were both extremely compatible in many ways but that in other ways our communication is totally different. I thought we were just opposite in many ways. When i woke up so to speak I kinda realized a relationship without mental health issues does not have this much arguing and the arguing has to do with the smallest of things. These insanely small things turn into huge deals because she escalates to intense anger in a second or also pushing away and dissociating. Then i read about bpd and it made soo much sense. Anyway our relationship has been great when its great but it has had many rocky times in a short time from arguing. She has threatened to break up a few times in the beginning but no longer does that because she sees that I will end it if she pushes me away too much so she realizes i called her bluff. Everytime i reached out to her after she threatened that she took me back in a second. We moved in pretty quickly together for a matter of my license being temporarily suspended from those darn camera tickets. She would give me rides to work which was down the street from her house. Anyway living together proved to be alot harder than we had thought and it was harder for the fact that i couldnt easily escape when we were not getting along which was alot. She would look so angry and at times would do things like try to make me jealous and poke my weak spots because she knows of my vulnerabilities since we talk so openly. When shes sweet she melts my heart but towards the end of living together she would get pretty darn mean when we were arguing and it turned into a few days straight of being mean and totally "unreachable". She would have a smile and try to act loving but i could tell she was stewing inside. I felt bad because i truly believe she was trying to be nice but couldnt deal with her own emotions. Things got heated one night and i packed my stuff and went back to my apartment. For two weeks i was talking to her but we were pretty much technically split or taking a break. However we were flirting and being sweet kinda teetering on the edge cuz we both wanted to get back together but i was soo hurt i needed to feel like she would never pull that crap with me again. I blocked her at one point when i felt she was trying to get under my skin. I blocker her for four days and then she texted me from her moms phone saying she missed me and loves me. I missed her terribly too so i texted her back and we since have been dating again but moving much much slower and im not living at her house. In fact were not even seeing eachother everyday because i feel we both need more space than we had. The big thing that im coming to you with today is the anxiety this relationship has caused in me. I have jealousy triggers and ptsd triggers and many times she has told me things about her past that triggered me. Due to how she has treated me during arguments i kinda lost trust for her and dont know what to think about what she has told me. She has a pretty tumultuous past and was not a prude or goodie goodie. She is not happy about it and lives a totally different life now it seems. Shes a mom to two and attends church and doesnt hang with party goers. We both speak on how we crave wholesomeness and all that. Anyway some of her stories have made me scared that she could be unfaithful or that she has a view of sex that is not healthy. She is very very vain and so worried about her looks which is truly sad. she is very beautiful. The thing that worries me is she tries to hard to look beautiful and i get nervous that she does it for attention. She hasnt given me any real big evidence of cheating or anything and she had a husband before this who died of cancer and from everything i can tell it was a good marriage. She even wore his ring for months and months until we got really serious dating. on the outside everything looks normal. its just that i have a hard time trusting her because seeing how manipulative she can be when angry it worries me. however i think shes come to a place at her age (36) (im 28) that she doesnt want to play games even if shes hurt. i think she used to get crazy when she felt hurt. she doesnt wear crazy revealing clothing or even anything like that and is a great mother. its hard for me to trust her and its causing me anxiety. i feel even tho i havent caught her in lies she is slightly guarded. i know she just wants to be good and loving. the only other big anxiety that i would really like help on is my fear of if a relationship goes wrong what could be done in court. i have a bit of ocd anxiety so its hard to shut my mind off once it thought this. my former best friend was with a really emotionally troubled girl im pretty sure a narcissist. she beat the crap out of him and was on parole for beating her brother almost to death. she put on all kinds of false accusations on my friend when the cops came to their door. it got me scared to death that the same could happen to me even though she has given me little reason she would do anything that mean. she doesnt seem like that type to me but my brain is on fight or flight with what if and its very hard to deal with. shes never threatened anything like that nor seemed to do something like that. i am just scared because of how i see her when she "splits". does anyone have insight on this and how to feel safe and secure with these concerns? thank u so much! <3

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Welcome 

So you found this safe place!  Good job.

There is a lot going on in your story.

So you made it here.
This place has experience, strength, hope.

I like that you are slowing things down.
For me, am separated, over 2 years, and total time is 13 years, 10 years living together.

There is a lot to learn.
My fears are just that.  My fears.
I do not have to let those fears run me.
The thing about bpd, it only comes out during the closest relationships.
So no one (in my real world) really knows what I am dealing with.

People here have experience in all different situations. 

I guess just keep reading here, keep sharing.

There is wise help here.
And it is up to me if I think anything given here will be useful to my situation or not.

Each of our situations are different.
and each person w BPD is different.
That being said, we can still help each other.  I learn from others.

Take good care.

amback

[sebian77]

Thank you amback! I appreciate the welcome! And yes it seems that when we are close to someone that our real full personhood issues come out. I look forward to this groups' experience, strength, and hope

[once removed]

threatening a breakup (on either side) has brought you back together, multiple times, but make no mistake: it is toxic, and it dissolves trust on both sides.

I have jealousy triggers and ptsd triggers and many times she has told me things about her past that triggered me.

tell us more.

[sebian77]

Hi onceremoved. She is the one to threaten to break up and she has since stopped doing it aside from one time cuz she knows I mean business with her mind games and I will break up if she pushes me too far. As far as the jealousy things she has also cut way back on that because she also knows I mean business with that and won’t tolerate it but she has told me things about her exes. She has told me things about her partying days. Rarely were they were super explicit but she told me about things like how bad her boyfriends porn addiction got. She told me how she would roleplay with him to try to please him but he keep getting sicker and sicker and some details I did not need to know like what roles she played...things like that. She has talked about her exes too much and about her partying friends I know things about their raunchy lifestyle. For awhile she didn’t seem overly concerned with how hurt I would get cuz it puts a lot of images in my head that I can’t shut out. She seems to coming around to with it a bit more but it has taken awhile and has hurt thinking she doesn’t empathize enough to take that long

[once removed]

people with bpd traits sometimes lack a filter...they can tend to be inappropriate, say hurtful things.

one of the hardest things to get your head around is that shes not necessarily doing it to upset you. although, its possible that on a subconscious level, that there is something about the way you react to this information that makes her feel more secur in the relationship. what if you talked about this together, in a time of calm, and in the future, just said something like "tmi"?