I did something im not proud of

[stressftw]

my ex was lining up a new guy before we broke up. its not entirely clear to me for how long. it could have been some months. it could have been some weeks or days. i think that we were struggling for a long time, and in terms of prospective partners, he was at the top of her list...there may have been others, i dont know.

the honest answer is it doesnt necessarily have anything to do with BPD specifically. an insecure person, a person with codependent tendencies, a person who has difficulty breaking up with others, any of those kinds of people may tend to find a smooth landing out of a relationship. in a lot of cases, its a coping mechanism. sometimes, its just dating around.

your ex may be playing the field, so to speak. seeing whos out there.

we are happy to try to provide perspective when it comes to your questions, but, honestly, is it helping you to get into her account and watch all of this play out right now?

I did something im not proud of but i needed her to change her password so i couldnt see it anymore. I got in her account and tagged them both in a post as an act of revenge, isnt a big deal, but i probably undermined the confidence their had with her. She noted few hours later because probably one of them went to her to take satisfaction, she put her facebook to delete, then she cancelled the deletion after several hours and changed the password.

I am sincerely very sad and disappointed with myself. I went through that point of angry that i wanted to undermine the confidence of their replacement because of level of anger i was. I couldnt handle having her facebook account, was destroying me from inside. And now im feeling bad of what i just did, im wondering if shes certain that i was the one who did it and now she hates me forever. I still love her despite all the anger i have. But she probably never loved me, and the would never look for me again. I probably crushing all the hopes and now im dealing with it. I can no longer login into her facebook account and that will be good for me to not reopen  the wounds. But now she probably hates me forever cause i undermine the confidnce of their replacement. If she thinks i did it, i will never hear from her again, and i still cant manage emotionally the hole she left on my life and that i will never hear from her again.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[stressftw]

She blocked and deleted me from every social media and anything we have in common, even tho she wont be 100% sure i got into her facebook and exposed what she's doing with those 2 guys, she knows its probably me. She probably hates me more more than everything now that i undermined the confidence of her replacement. I crushed and destroyed all the hopes i had for her to get back now i have to emotionally deal with it, its done, its over and im feeling dead from inside. Now i literally have 0% chance of getting her back and cant see anything from her and i hope this help me to move on, because im broken in pieces.

Im still very sad because i just suddenly lost someone i loved so much and 1 month ago she was laughing by my side, i will probably never see, talk, or hear from her ever again, that "forever lost" feeling about someone u invested so much is the most obnoxious thing, its sad and destructive and i cant see any perspective of how i can surpass it, atleast, reopening wounds by stalking her facebook hoping that one day she could come back wasnt the way, now i have no choice but move on without knowing and hearing anything about her, she now is a ghost that will haunt my thoughts time to time, til i heal
and find someone that truly loves me i think she will never leave my thoughts.

Seeing of what she was doing 3 weeks after we broke up already made me so disgusted that morally speaking i could never put myself in a situation of accepting her to come back if she decided that it was a mistake(which was probably not going to happen anyway). She wont change, actually, she was getting way worse and being arrogant futile egocentric bitch.
When i met her she was totally depressed and had 0 confidence. She used me as a ladder and now that she's feeling good with herself, she's showing her true and darkside by manipulating everyone and draining energy from every supply that appears in front of her.

She destroyed my confidence so much and put me in a kind of anxious state that i believe shes breaking up with me now was way better than if it lasted more few more months, i've neer felt so bad in my life last 1 1/2 month of relationship
Now atleast i can heal, i dont feel the obligation of saving a relationship that was doomed since the beggining, and im understanding about BPD because my psychologist. I am so thankful that this forum exists its been therapeutic to me to not feel completely alone in this darkness i am sitting now, that other people have been through and overcame this hell



It

[once removed]

whats done is done.

the question is where to go from here.

youre grieving, stressftw, and youre grieving hard. i remember when i let go of hope. as much as id already been through, it was the hardest part.

you can heal from this. you absolutely can. i would make a game plan for recovery, and build my support system very strong.

[Rev]

whats done is done.

the question is where to go from here.

youre grieving, stressftw, and youre grieving hard. i remember when i let go of hope. as much as id already been through, it was the hardest part.

you can heal from this. you absolutely can. i would make a game plan for recovery, and build my support system very strong.

Hi Stress,

I would second what Once is saying here.

I would make a game plan for recovery and I would build my support system very strong.

Once is very right - the people here supported me through the toughest parts of my breakup. It was very hard to let go. And once I did, every day became easier.

Once was one of the people who advised me the same as he is advising you. It may sound harsh - but it isn't. It's the kindest thing you could receive.

Please take care of yourself now.

Rev

[stressftw]

Thank you, this forum is been very very very helpful for me, im not feeling alone in this darkness because of it.

Now that the hopes are crushed, the only choice i have is to move foward without looking back, my emotional side, still thinks about the possibility of her contact me, im trying so hard to let it go of it, because i know that it will probably never happen again.

i never felt so paradoxal in my life, its like im pierced everywhere, bleeding everywhere an hoping for the one that did that to me to comeback to save me.

Thats so strange

[once removed]

frankly speaking, stressftw, if you want her to contact you, the best thing to do is to keep your head down, just as it would be if you want to move on.

shes going to wonder who did this. she probably has a reasonable guess, but may also have reasonable doubt. i did something similar once, out of heartbreak and anger, to a girl i loved. she knew it was me at the time but i denied it. her doubt grew until i confessed years later.

my point is not that dishonesty is your way through this. because if she came back tomorrow, she would probably still sense it was you, and youd be probably be inclined to confess, and the whole thing would blow up.

my point is that, while whats done is done, this was a desperation move, and that the best remedy for desperation is to work toward getting centered. theres nothing to be done right now but to let her life play out, and not just let your life play out, but to work, as agonizing as things are right now, to finding that emotional center rather than being ruled by or acting on emotion.

its not just hard or agonizing. you have to want it. you have to trust that theres a future on the other side, when all you want to do is cry. you have to reach and dig deep down to find a motivation for it, when right now, your only motivation is probably to crawl in a hole.

[Rev]

frankly speaking, stressftw, if you want her to contact you, the best thing to do is to keep your head down, just as it would be if you want to move on.

shes going to wonder who did this. she probably has a reasonable guess, but may also have reasonable doubt. i did something similar once, out of heartbreak and anger, to a girl i loved. she knew it was me at the time but i denied it. her doubt grew until i confessed years later.

my point is not that dishonesty is your way through this. because if she came back tomorrow, she would probably still sense it was you, and youd be probably be inclined to confess, and the whole thing would blow up.

my point is that, while whats done is done, this was a desperation move, and that the best remedy for desperation is to work toward getting centered. theres nothing to be done right now but to let her life play out, and not just let your life play out, but to work, as agonizing as things are right now, to finding that emotional center rather than being ruled by or acting on emotion.

its not just hard or agonizing. you have to want it. you have to trust that theres a future on the other side, when all you want to do is cry. you have to reach and dig deep down to find a motivation for it, when right now, your only motivation is probably to crawl in a hole.

Once again, Once is right - - small pun not intended.

I actually did that. For the first few weeks of my separation, I kept my head down. She tried to charm almost every second day after about two weeks. At least 1/2 a dozen times she tried to lure me into meeting with her.

Now - it was MY choice not to go back. BUT - I promise you, had I gone back, and she was willing to work on our marriage, we MIGHT be still together.

The point is that in the time that I did nothing except respond in very short sentences (like six words or less) to the texts that I absolutely needed to - or kept conversations factual and under five minutes (those were hard - lot's of triggers) - I was in total control of the situation. She became very confused.

Hope this helps.

Rev

[juju2]

you are getting life giving support here.
Life support.

So, it looks like we have all been where you a r e.

Is that valuable or what.?
You are now in a place, caring, thoughtful people have been.!

If that isn't care, support, excellent.

I cannot stress enough to listen.
So what is being given are steps o u t of
d a r k n e s s.

Being in the dark.  It's a place.  There is a way out.

We are just sharing the hope, strength, experience, that was shared with us.

Take it or leave it.

All of this is my choice.
I choose.

[stressftw]

Thank you for the insight all of you.

I have not been lonely lately, i have alot of people i can trust and i can count but they dont seem to understand the way im feeling, here i can read through comments and see a genuine feeling that I'm being understood
Im still im pain, trying to distract myself and learning and reading tons of topics in this forum.

[Rev]

Thank you for the insight all of you.

I have not been lonely lately, i have alot of people i can trust and i can count but they dont seem to understand the way im feeling, here i can read through comments and see a genuine feeling that I'm being understood
Im still im pain, trying to distract myself and learning and reading tons of topics in this forum.

Ah - yes the friends who really don't understand.  I must tell you that I didn't really get to where I really needed to be until one of my friends - who's sister is uNPD - finally took me in and I lived with him for six weeks.

Nobody can ever really understand what it is like to be with something like this - to love her - and then to find out that she really doesn't exist in the way you thought she does - because you discover that she thinks in a way that really doesn't make sense.

I still have trouble getting my head around it sometimes - I need to go back to my lists of things she did, talk to people who understand and literally reset my mind and my thoughts.

It's hard, but it can be done. What choice to we have?  Slowly you will find justice in taking care of yourself. On the day you find the new life you want - celebrate that day in private - I did - had champagne on my balcony and watched the sun set. It was glorious because I was free of all the abuse - the hitting - the yelling - the threats - the breaking things. - the cheating - the financial abuse.

That day for you mind friend - it will be sweet indeed. No matter what happens. When do you do things on your own terms - that is true freedom.

Be well. Be blessed. Be a blessing.

Rev.

[stressftw]

I think im becaming a crazy person. My emotional feelings are flooded in denial, sadness, anger and despair im feeling like im being doomed, that this is taking over me, im not being able to control my emotions at this moment im being drained
Yesterday i was lonely in front of the computer wondering how much she hates me knowing that i got into her facebook. I was trying to forget and change my mind, i was trying to replace my thoughts with another thing, but i couldnt help it, this PLEASE READ is so destructive i dont even know how to cope i started to think how i could mask or create any evidence that was not me so she could not hate me thinking that wasnt me that got into her facebook
So i discovered the whatsap of one of the guys the she was liking, created a fake whatsapp pretending to be her and talked with to the guy saying that i liked him and didnt liked much the other guy that shes having relationship
He acted a scared and didnt liked the conversation then i sent a print screen of this conversation to the other guy shes having relationships and said that i broke up into her cellphone through her college wifi

I also sent a print of her talking to her friend in AUG 2019, she said to her friend; "Im having a crush on a guy from my class and i have a boyfriend what do i do?"


That was so destructive to read.

Then i woke up and there was several messages from her in my whatsapp, saying that she knows it was me because she compared the IPS of the machines between her facebook and her netflix and discovered it was from my PC, then she sent a print, and in the print it was the IP from her own cellphone not my machine, i knew she was trying to play me. Then she said that it was virtual bullying and cyber crime and that his new guy have a parent that is cop and wanted to her to report me to the police, but she didnt want to.
She said that she we will wait till i respond so i could throw all my anger on her before she blocks me again

When i read it i denied everything, said that she was crazy and i had literally nothing to do with it, that if she wants to go to the police she could go because i did nothing.

She said me to stop the drama and stop lying, then she said to me to make my friends stop of doing that so,
that she knew the IP adress because she compared with her netflix logs

the thing is, we always saw netflix through my laptop and not my computer the adress is different and she was lying to try to prove that was me

I kept denying then she said shes going to block me again
That she hopes that i was going to the psychologist because she didnt expect it from me
That i wasnt going to undermine her new relationship because this guy is a friend of the other guy that she was liking, and he knew she liked him (how this guy can subject himself to the point of knowing that shes with him and was liking another guy just few weeks ago and just ended a relationship a few days?) Jesus Christ, the guy is a total downgrade, ugly, overweight, does not live nearby her and lives in a dangerous favela
That they were reporting everything to her and that if they werent friends and didnt trust her they wouldnt be laughing from the situation
Then she said to me to tell my friends to stop cyber bullying her because she did nothing to deserve it

Then she blocked me again.

Thats it, thats my the level of the desperation i am in this moment, thats so far i have become, because i loved a person that should never be trusted, that never loved me, that always used me because was convenient for the moment.
The worse of it is that she has the reason right now. Despite everything she did, she was in this one, i did everything to undermine her new relationship with the replacement and i knew that it probably wasnt going to work and that she would hate me for it
I couldnt control either, is like letting go of the thing that you most care about, is like seeing it fading and going to someone else and u need to do something to hold it, anything to retrieve it, doesnt matter if the chances are small, u need to, u have nothing left to lose, I know that i cant like her, she cant love anyone, shes not a good person, she's literally changed her whole identity in a matter of 3 weeks, shes totally disordered and after breaking up with me didnt even get the consideration to show any remorse knowing how bad, how sad, how destroyed i was feeling, i feel that she just want to run to anywhere very far from me to keep the biggest distance like i am a monster. She knows i would do ANYTHING for her and she knows i wanted to undermine her relationship because i dont want her to be with anyone else. Shes running from me like a monster and if all the humanity vanished from the earth in this moment, even tho me and her was the only two persons that left in this world, i feel that she would feel the same way regarding me and would idealize a dog instead

IDK im so confused, so lost, i lost my sanity i know deep down i did all of that because i wanted to draw her attention, i wanted to feel that she remembers me even tho she hates me. The feeling of indifference is so heavy so destructive

I was always a depressed person, but i was under control before her, now im totally loss

[stressftw]

I wanna know how normalis it to know exactly what you should do and yet your emotions taking control of everything and make you do stupid PLEASE READ

anyone here has gone through this? this emotional rollecoaster of letting your emotions inflict you more pain making you do bad decisions

[juju2]

Yes it looks that way.

Unless you were to just reach out and say,
after a couple of days: it's up to you. Am doing well. 

Something she doesn't want to hear, something she doesn't want to know

[stressftw]

Yes it looks that way.

Unless you were to just reach out and say,
after a couple of days: it's up to you. Am doing well. 

Something she doesn't want to hear, something she doesn't want to know

Im blocked from her in absolute everything way is possible
im the devil of her life, and her both new friends are the new saviors for her, and she doesnt need me anymore.

thats the most devastating part, u knowing that u dont mean PLEASE READ, even tho u would give your soul to her, u would give everything for her, that u helped her, u dont mean PLEASE READ. And knowing u never gonna hear from her again is excruciatng pain

[juju2]

Nope.  I disagree.

it's about one.little word.

CONTROL.

when you read here and learn a lot, you can see patterns.

They have a disorder THAT causes them to behave in a certain disordered way.

You and I do not have the disorder.
What you and I would do is NOT what a disordered person would do...

I have found he does best* when I am in compromised situation.

(best in this context, is he is happy, life is good!)

She is simply in her disorder.  She is showing all the signs.

I would reserve judgement.

Reserve, reserve, reserve.

she can only get so much mileage out of making you wrong.
At some point...   ... ...the fantasy story of you being the devil runs aground...
what I have done is try with everything I got, to keep my sanity until this story runs aground.
no fighting, no using real world examples.of how what he is saying is flat out not true...
at some point, there is no more juice for them.

If I can be strong, no fighting, let him reach his own conclusions...

at some point, at some point.

If I push back, fire with fire, I am at that moment making things worse...
I have learned to recognize when I have mentally had it and back the heck off...

I have to have a sustaining life.  Hobbies, things I enjoy...
all of what I am sharing is my experience.
you can take what you like and leave the rest.

[stressftw]

Nope.  I disagree.

it's about one.little word.

CONTROL.

when you read here and learn a lot, you can see patterns.

They have a disorder THAT causes them to behave in a certain disordered way.

You and I do not have the disorder.
What you and I would do is NOT what a disordered person would do...

I have found he does best* when I am in compromised situation.

(best in this context, is he is happy, life is good!)

She is simply in her disorder.  She is showing all the signs.

I would reserve judgement.

Reserve, reserve, reserve.

she can only get so much mileage out of making you wrong.
At some point...   ... ...the fantasy story of you being the devil runs aground...
what I have done is try with everything I got, to keep my sanity until this story runs aground.
no fighting, no using real world examples.of how what he is saying is flat out not true...
at some point, there is no more juice for them.

If I can be strong, no fighting, let him reach his own conclusions...

at some point, at some point.

If I push back, fire with fire, I am at that moment making things worse...
I have learned to recognize when I have mentally had it and back the heck off...

I have to have a sustaining life.  Hobbies, things I enjoy...
all of what I am sharing is my experience.
you can take what you like and leave the rest.

We had an recycle already

in October 2019, she ended the relationship with me because she said she couldnt feel that i would change. Later i discovered that she wanted to end the relationship because she was having a crush on other guy, and she was trying to get close to him.

when she ended the relationship she was crying and emotional, and messaged me the next day, she wanted so bad to be my friend, then i said i would cut her completely out of my life to recover right before i said to her that i could improve myself and change, in the beggining of the relationship all the things that became a problem to her were put on the table and she said that it would never be a problem for her. I agree that even tho at that very moment it couldnt be a problem, people change and with the time she could change her head but she never talked to me about this, about how those things were bothering her, she just dumped me suddenly at oct 2019.

Then after talking with her, and saying that i could change and improve myself both for me and her, she decided to give me another chance and to idealize me again, but the relationship started to get VERY abusive.
She knew that the had control over me and started to put me on my knees, saying subjective things to make me feel bad, and etc.

It changed alot through that period, that was very good for me, i started to work, go out with her way more, but it wasnt enough for her, never enough

the day i stated and declared to her how much i loved her and that she was a safe harbor for me and she could count on me to be her safety and to take care of her always, next day she removed out photo together on social medias and started to a triangulate another guy. She started gaslighting me, 1 month prior the break up

That 1 month prior the breakup i never felt so bad in my life i was totally desperate but yet trying to look normal for her

my mom got a infection and went to a hospital for 7 days 1 week prior the break up, i was alone in home, feeling lonely, worried with my mother that was taking antibiotics in her veins and she has the risk of having a sepsis, she had a life threatening condition

And by that time she started to tagging this new guy she was triangulating in her facebook posts. It was so cruel.
She wasnt giving a PLEASE READ about how i was feeling, i was living by myself worried about my mom and knowing she was going to leave me anytime

Then i confronted her and asked why she was tagging another guy, she said he was her friend, and that i shouldnt be worried(turns out he is her new replacement)
When my mom finally got home, she just ended the relationship in the most cold and distant way, was totally different from when she ended up in October, she was looking a totally different person.
I could notice that this month prior the final breakup she was changing her personality completely, she was becaming an total ass and arrogant and was agressive towards me, and her mother, saying that she hates her mother and wanted her dead, and for the record as i mentioned, she stopped taking her meds(alprazolam) 1 month prior the breakup too

Now shes literally a different person, like she changed her personality, even her tastes have changed, now she likes or artificially likes alot of things she used to hate because of the new replacement, a total mirroring

[juju2]

it's all o.k.

So you are going thru changes, you reach out here, and help, support is given.
Maybe it would be best to start a new thread in a new group, something other than bettering group.?

All I was sharing is what helped me, helps me, since at this point I am not done.
As of this minute.

[stressftw]

I feel that i just wanted to feel  that i meant something u know
im a full empath and took care of her in her worst moment, i helped her in so many ways,
thats one thing that always made me sick regarding any situation in life, when people not recognize the good things u do for her.

having that from the people i loved most, specially knowing that she hates me and she is probably saying to people that im crazy, that im PLEASE READed up, that im a loser, i know shes doing that, she always trashtalk behind her friends/family and anyone she mets to me

shes definately doing that and that makes me sick, im sorry that im flooding this forum with posts, im just trying to throw all my feelings here in order to feel a little bit better knowing that people here understand the pain

[once removed]

I wanna know how normalis it to know exactly what you should do and yet your emotions taking control of everything and make you do stupid PLEASE READ

anyone here has gone through this? this emotional rollecoaster of letting your emotions inflict you more pain making you do bad decisions

what youre describing is impulsiveness.

is it normal? no.

is it a common experience for members here? it is.

a better question is "is it healthy".

we dont want to beat you up for these things. we understand them. we know how hard this is. weve been there.

at the same time, we want to help you stop doing self defeating things; thats the role of a support group. if you want to save the relationship, they kill your chances. if you want to move on, theyre things you will probably beat yourself up over later, even as you already do now. what you do right now matters a great deal.

to stop doing self defeating things, you first have to make a commitment. you next should build a strong support system, and lean on it (a good example would be posting before you act...its hard to help when its already done). the next is to learn tools to help you cope and self soothe.

does that make sense?

[stressftw]

what youre describing is impulsiveness.

is it normal? no.

is it a common experience for members here? it is.

a better question is "is it healthy".

we dont want to beat you up for these things. we understand them. we know how hard this is. weve been there.

at the same time, we want to help you stop doing self defeating things; thats the role of a support group. if you want to save the relationship, they kill your chances. if you want to move on, theyre things you will probably beat yourself up over later, even as you already do now. what you do right now matters a great deal.

to stop doing self defeating things, you first have to make a commitment. you next should build a strong support system, and lean on it (a good example would be posting before you act...its hard to help when its already done). the next is to learn tools to help you cope and self soothe.

does that make sense?

Is does. After everything i went through her, rationally speaking, i dont want nothing to her anymore, even tho she came to me regretting which is not  happening, i want to accept and know the fact that she hates me and will not contact me ever again.
I need to move on, i need to get back my confidnce, after 1 year on the relationship she started to withhold sex to manipulate me my self esteem went downhill i thought it was something about how i look and she always said that it wasnt about me, but i never understood and was very sad about it, we started to make less and less sex til the very end. After reading inumerous topics i can see now that this is something that happens on the devaluation stages.
I cant have this woman back i dont want her, but my emotional side is still urging for her

[waverider]

A common problem that partners have with disordered people like this is that we are conditioned to feeling shame over our own dysfunctional overreactions to the way we have been treated. We self guilt, and we victim blame ourselves. Few people react in an ideal way when under enormous duress. This is entirely normal...even if often regretted in hindsight.

Disordered people do this in spadefuls, and it is their normal. As it is their normal any backlash they exhibit to this in the moment may be harsh, but it is often only passing in the moment. Now is not forever. The only person this will have a lasting effect on is you.

Who knows what will unfold down the path, but right now is the time to get yourself back on an even keel and that wont happen while you are leaning too much on the reactions of others. As said, what is done is done,  the ripples of that will settle down, for now stay out of the water as you are too invested to not create more waves. Keep in mind the old proverb about not swallowing the spider to catch the fly, as things just get worse the more you try to fix them.

If you are expecting a "normal" closure, that wont happen either. You need to accept your own version of closure which is independent of anyone else's input.

Whatever happens next is going to be far better if you have the most grounded version of you that you can achieve, rather than one that is burdened with regret and wishful thinking.

[stressftw]

Yesterday she messaged me on whatsapp asking me for forgiveness about threatening me and accusing me of something she not sure about

We had a extense conversantion as "friends" and i talked about BPD with her which she believes she have

She also admitted to cheat on me on the final days of the relationship, she said that she loves me, and always will love me but she lost her "romantic feelings" after around 1 year mark of the relationship(infatuation) she said that she couldnt be confortable with me touching her and having sex once she started to have a crush for other guy around 1 year and a half of the relationship. That was so painful to read.

I asked her few questions about BPD, like fear of abandonment, projection, mirroring, idealization, etc and she does and have all of this.
The said to me that, she doesnt like the guy that she was having a crush anymore, instead, she is liking a guy that liked her and was trying to tell her that the guy that she liked isnt cool as she thought he was.
Thats a bizarre right?
She was deeply in love with me, 1 year and few months later she had a crush on other guy, months later she lost the crush for this guy and started to like his friend who was trying to convince her that the guy she had a crush is not that cool, in a matter of literally 3 days after out breakup.
She also said that what she is feeling for him is different, because she didnt "idealized" him like she did with all her previous relationships, that he liked her before of her falling for him and he kinda convinced her to like him. But i know she made the decision of "liking" him based on a horoscope compatibility.

Thats a strange replacement because is not a idealized before,  sounds more like a rebound does anyone have experienced that with any expwbpd?

I replied to her; "thats strange, i dont feel that im able to go for a relationship just few days after the end of a relationship"

and she said; "sounds strange right? but i think it is possible"
she also stated how cold she was and give an example that yesterday her mother said to her that she was thinking she got covid19 and she instantly replied: "then when we would go to the bank to pass the bills to my name?", then she realized how cold she was and felt bad for it

we talked around 1h and i tried to convince her to seek for treatment for her BPD, she didnt said that she was going to, instead she said;
'This time i will try to make things different, it only depends on me, the sad part i said that to myself whent i met you, but didnt worked. I have fear for being alone, and at the same time im certain that i will end up alone I feel like i am a monster without any feelings"

She also said that; "After my father died, i feel that everyone will go away and disappear, even tho i liked them and they serve my needs"
That was a bizarre statement which shows how she cant associate that an object is different from a person.
After that conversation with her, i tried the max to make her realize that shes going to heartbreak everyone if she doesnt seek a treatment, im not even feeling angry anymore about her, im feeling compassionate and wanting to help this person as she is definately dysfunctional and have no idea of how to deal with her own feelings.

She said that she cant feel alone and not be out of a relationship because if she does she lack sense of self, she lost her identity and she needs someone to mirror always. I said to her that she needs to find her in herself and no project it into others, and she needs to do therapy in regards to solve it, because no one will fill this gap for her.
She said that she was printing our conversation in order to always remember herself when she feels that way

In the middle of the conversation she also wanted me to believe and pointed all the time that she "Loved me deeply" And will always love me and wanted me believe that even tho it doesnt seem true. That shes very sorry about how things turned and everytime she thinks about it, she cries, so she needs to isolate her thoughts in a way that she completely forget the person but often times thinks about me and her other ex that she claimed she loved too and feel shame about herself and isolate the thoughts again.<- Shame red flag
That she never wanted us to suffer because of her broken way, and wanted us to completely erase her from our minds so we couldnt feel so bad because of her, because she knows how selfish she was getting into a relationship idealizing an forcing something without even thinking about the partner but just herself. <- Guilty red flag

In regards to her saying that she always loved me and still loves me deeply and always will, i said to her that maybe she has her own way to interpret love, because she has no idea how about i feel about love with her.
I said to her that i wanted to be friend with her one day but probably thats wasnt going to happen, that i wanted to see how will she evolves as a person, and wanted her to see how i will evolve as a person also, but that was not going to happen, because we cant be friends.

After this, i was the one that ended blocking her, said to her; "Good luck, i hope life reserve the best for us both".

And blocked her.

I finally managed to study her and analize her in a honest and deep way. I dont think she see me as a monster after the conversation we had yesterday and im feeling a little bit better about it. I truly hope she seeks treatment, i dont believe she will, but i really hope one day she understand how destructive her impulsive behavior is for everyone around her

[Rev]

After this, i was the one that ended blocking her, said to her; "Good luck, i hope life reserve the best for us both".

And blocked her.

I finally managed to study her and analize her in a honest way. I dont think she see me as a monster after the conversation we had yesterday and im feeling a little bit better about it.

My Friend!

I am proud of you - it is clear that you have fought to struggle through a lot emotions and difficult pain. You stayed on track by being honest about your feelings.

You've learned you can even make mistakes in all of this (because we all do) and get back up and continue setting your boundaries.

I am so pleased that you've lived through the cycle of watching her devalue you and then come back to try and say sorry (understanding that pwBPD don't ever really say they are sorry like you and me). You do see that people like this are not well, and don't perceive reality in the same way. It is a terrible existence for people who suffer mental illness that is not under control. They live in constant stress and anxiety.

No - she does not hate you - she does not love you either - in fact she is not really sure about how she feels about anything - except what she feels in the moment. In the moment, whatever she feels is for the complete truth about everything - until she feels something else and that becomes the complete truth.  It is what I call feelings based facts.

Happy for you. Pleased for you.

Keep on keeping on.



Rev

[stressftw]

My Friend!

I am proud of you - it is clear that you have fought to struggle through a lot emotions and difficult pain. You stayed on track by being honest about your feelings.

You've learned you can even make mistakes in all of this (because we all do) and get back up and continue setting your boundaries.

I am so pleased that you've lived through the cycle of watching her devalue you and then come back to try and say sorry (understanding that pwBPD don't ever really say they are sorry like you and me). You do see that people like this are not well, and don't perceive reality in the same way. It is a terrible existence for people who suffer mental illness that is not under control. They live in constant stress and anxiety.

No - she does not hate you - she does not love you either - in fact she is not really sure about how she feels about anything - except what she feels in the moment. In the moment, whatever she feels is for the complete truth about everything - until she feels something else and that becomes the complete truth.  It is what I call feelings based facts.

Happy for you. Pleased for you.

Keep on keeping on.



Rev

Thank you Rev, i managed to edit the comment a few times to add some things that i forget to point.
Im glad that i had a real and mature conversation with her and my only purpose there was help her without expect anything.
Still hard for me, very hard to let it go like this, to not collapse in front of her, it was hard, but i made it  and i left like someone who deeply care for her despite all the harm and emotional destruction she make me went through

[stressftw]

Today is my birthday, is also the day we made our relationship official. I dont expect her to reach me do wish me happy birthday, and i dont even know she will remember. Thats the saddest birthday of my life. I hope one day i can come into this forum and read what im docummenting here with a smile in my face knowing that i made through it and won

[stressftw]

Today i woke up feeling really bad.
I woke up with thoughts about her and her rebound, saying that she want so bad to things work out this time, that she will do her best.

I felt so bad. I noticed that im so far from being well based on those thoughts. Shes gonna and im still attached, i still feel that shes part of my life. She isnt. Shes gone and shes in another relationsihp already, shes not even feeling bad about the fact that i have no participation in her life anymore.
I am. She was not even someone that i had deep conversations with, shes was not even someone that i could count with in very difficult situations. She wasnt something worth for. But im still attached, and i still loved that person. I dont want to "want" her anymore, she was corrosive, i dont admire her intelectually, i dont admire her emotionally. I dont admire her. But i still love her and she left me for some random guy that she barely know, and she want to make things with him last forever.
How sad is it? I dont know, from another perspective can sound ironic, from mine, is tragic, sad, im drowning

[once removed]

youre grieving.

the rose colored glasses come on and off when we grieve. one moment, theyre the best person we were ever with, the best person we will ever be with, and no one else will compare. another moment, its hard to relate to; what do we even see in them.

youre grieving, and letting go, and it hurts, and in the process of that, we tend to bounce around between those extremes.

stressftw, you really are going to make it through this. i know it doesnt feel that way now. but ill bet that theres a part of you telling yourself that its true, when that wasnt possible a week ago.

grieving is the process of mourning and letting go of the things we loved about someone. it sounds like this is someone you felt very strongly about...still feel strongly about. at the same time, she wasnt the woman for you. grieving is the process of reconciling those things. it means recognizing that there are things about her that rocked your world...things that you can, and will find in future partners. and that at the same time, she poisoned your world, couldnt live up to the hype, hurt you, and at the end of the day, it may just have not been meant to be.