Desperately Seeking Guidance, Understanding & Support

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Thank you in advance for reading. I will give details about my situation but first, my disclaimer that although I strongly believe my exgf has BPD, she has never been diagnosed.

My ex (36f) and I (46m) met at work and began as friends about 6 years ago. We were both in relationships and while it was clear to both of us that there were mutual feelings and attraction, nothing was ever inappropriate. We talked and shared and seemed to be very similar in our thoughts and values. About 4 years ago, both of us were unattached for the first time so we began to get closer. I could not believe the level of comfort I felt, the closeness, the love. I was elated each time we were together. As we progressed in our relationship, the visits turned into sleepovers, turned into staying for a few days and eventually we were living together. She has 2 daughters (16 & 12 currently) to 2 different men but did not have custody of either. They lived about an hour away in the area that she was from and claimed to absolutely hate because of the small mind mentality and ignorant people.

Our relationship was incredible. We seemed to like all of the same things and spent every minute together. We woke up at 4:30, went to the gym, came home, got ready for work, drove together to and from work, ate dinner together, watched tv together and went to sleep together. She would tell her friends, family and coworkers that I was her rock. That she'd never be able to survive without me. She had a rough life prior to meeting me and I could tell that she had some insecurities and walls up. But I could also see that there was a sweet and sensitive person behind those walls. During all of this time, we had few disagreements or arguments. Though, the ones we did have seemed to be centered around her lack of impulse control and doing/saying things to me or others that was inappropriate after I let her know that it simply was not Ok. During these times, she would immediately assume that I wanted her out. So she would apologize and then tell me that she will pack her things. I would reassure her that this was just a learning of boundaries and we could get past this.

Fast forward to September of 2019. Her youngest daughter's father committed suicide. My ex called me hysterically crying, worrying about her daughter so I left where I was and picked her up to drive to get her daughter. Her daughter was with a friend and I watched her break the news and then we took her home. The plan was to give her daughter a couple of weeks to say goodbye to her friends and have them be there for support before having her change schools. During this time, the paternal grandparents filed for emergency custody which stated that her daughter could not change schools until the case was heard. The first date was in October and no decision was made other than to say that a 50/50 split would take place between my ex and the grandparents. This meant that my ex needed to drive her daughter to school, drive back to work, back to her school to get her to bring her home. Over 4 hours of driving each day. The next court date was early December. We never even saw the judge. So no change. (I should mention that there were a dozen witnesses for the grandparents that were there to testify that my ex was unfit to care for a child for a number of reasons. At the time, I didn't understand what all of these people had against her) Things were of course a little strained as she was constantly stressed, but I did everything that I could to help and support her. She would write me notes, and texts and tell me in person how much she appreciated me being there for her. I convinced her to get an apartment in her daughters school district temporarily as I felt the drive was dangerous and stressful. She did not want to do that but finally relented.

She moved 2 days after Christmas and was immediately a different person. She avoided me and the communication slowed to a crawl. When I would point it out she would get extremely angry. There was every excuse not to see me. (She needs to get used to the apartment, she has to clean it, she got the apartment so she wouldn't need to pack bags anymore, etc) A week in she told me she thinks she needs to stay for her daughters sake. I told her I understood so let's talk about how we shift our relationship. Do we start looking for homes up there? Do we just see eachother when we can? I was told no again. I would hate it there and end up hating her so it may as well happen now. I was/am devastated.

As the last few months have passed, I've tried to keep in contact but have been blocked on multiple avenues. When I ask what I did wrong, I continue to be told I've never done anything wrong. She tells me that she loves me but does not think of me. Has not shed a tear over this for me. She has been incredibly hateful towards me and treats me as if I hardly exist to her. Then when I point it out she tells me "Sorry". In the way that someone does when they don't mean it.

I understand that this could look like a case of a breakup caused by a stressful situation. But there are so many boxes that I think my ex can check as I look back on things.
- She had no identity of her own. She mirrored me the entire relationship. It was difficult for her to even answer where she wanted to eat when I would ask. Initially I took it as non confrontational.
- She idealized me in every way. I could no wrong. While I am a relatively good person, I am not perfect. She asked if I would come to one of her therapy sessions and I mentioned that I was concerned that she never expressed an issue with anything that I did. The therapist asked her about this and she said it was true. She cannot think of a single thing and that I was perfect for her.
- She had impulse control issues. There were times that she would say incredibly inappropriate things and incredibly inappropriate times. And I don't mean simply bad language. She seemed to not know it was wrong until being told.
- She had a very childlike view of things and often complained that things weren't fair and that she didn't do anything wrong
-After she left, she became an entirely different person towards me. (Splitting?) She spoke to me in a tone I had never heard her use towards people that she hated, and probably deserved it. This is a woman who never even told me to shut up. Be quiet was as close as I heard. Now I'm told that I'm annoying and don't listen and then immediately get blocked.

I don't know that this is BPD, but it feels that way to me. I have had breakups before which left me hurt. I have never had anything like this. It has been 4 months and I still feel that this is day 1. I feel broken, confused, and worst of all, feel as if there's no closure. I can't get a straight answer from her as to what happened. I only get, "I don't know why I do the things I do. This is just the way I am." In certain moments I'll get cryptic texts that say she loves me and she's angry at herself for not being brave and strong enough for what she knows she should do. When I tell her I don't understand and ask her to please explain so that I can help, I get told off and then blocked. I've had so many mixed signals that I simply don't know what I'm to do. I was told that she's thankful I didn't let her push me away and then I get screamed at because I don't listen that she needs time. I get told "Thank you for being you and always being there and never abandoning me" and then yelled at and blocked because I won't leave her alone

I don't know what to do. Like a drug, my emotional mind longs for the perfect relationship that we had. I don't feel like I'll ever be the same after this. Nothing at all will compare to that feeling. I am successful, attractive and a genuinely good person. I have many women interested in me but I don't want any of them. In fact, the thought of being with anyone else makes me physically ill as if I'm cheating in my mind.

I apologize for the length of this post. It was a 4 year relationship and the breakup happened over 4 months ago. I wanted to give as much detail as possible in hopes that someone can give me some insight to help me. I am truly lost.

[CopingIn717]

Thank you in advance for reading. I will give details about my situation but first, my disclaimer that although I strongly believe my exgf has BPD, she has never been diagnosed.

My ex (36f) and I (46m) met at work and began as friends about 6 years ago. We were both in relationships and while it was clear to both of us that there were mutual feelings and attraction, nothing was ever inappropriate. We talked and shared and seemed to be very similar in our thoughts and values. About 4 years ago, both of us were unattached for the first time so we began to get closer. I could not believe the level of comfort I felt, the closeness, the love. I was elated each time we were together. As we progressed in our relationship, the visits turned into sleepovers, turned into staying for a few days and eventually we were living together. She has 2 daughters (16 & 12 currently) to 2 different men but did not have custody of either. They lived about an hour away in the area that she was from and claimed to absolutely hate because of the small mind mentality and ignorant people.

Our relationship was incredible. We seemed to like all of the same things and spent every minute together. We woke up at 4:30, went to the gym, came home, got ready for work, drove together to and from work, ate dinner together, watched tv together and went to sleep together. She would tell her friends, family and coworkers that I was her rock. That she'd never be able to survive without me. She had a rough life prior to meeting me and I could tell that she had some insecurities and walls up. But I could also see that there was a sweet and sensitive person behind those walls. During all of this time, we had few disagreements or arguments. Though, the ones we did have seemed to be centered around her lack of impulse control and doing/saying things to me or others that was inappropriate after I let her know that it simply was not Ok. During these times, she would immediately assume that I wanted her out. So she would apologize and then tell me that she will pack her things. I would reassure her that this was just a learning of boundaries and we could get past this.

Fast forward to September of 2019. Her youngest daughter's father committed suicide. My ex called me hysterically crying, worrying about her daughter so I left where I was and picked her up to drive to get her daughter. Her daughter was with a friend and I watched her break the news and then we took her home. The plan was to give her daughter a couple of weeks to say goodbye to her friends and have them be there for support before having her change schools. During this time, the paternal grandparents filed for emergency custody which stated that her daughter could not change schools until the case was heard. The first date was in October and no decision was made other than to say that a 50/50 split would take place between my ex and the grandparents. This meant that my ex needed to drive her daughter to school, drive back to work, back to her school to get her to bring her home. Over 4 hours of driving each day. The next court date was early December. We never even saw the judge. So no change. (I should mention that there were a dozen witnesses for the grandparents that were there to testify that my ex was unfit to care for a child for a number of reasons. At the time, I didn't understand what all of these people had against her) Things were of course a little strained as she was constantly stressed, but I did everything that I could to help and support her. She would write me notes, and texts and tell me in person how much she appreciated me being there for her. I convinced her to get an apartment in her daughters school district temporarily as I felt the drive was dangerous and stressful. She did not want to do that but finally relented.

She moved 2 days after Christmas and was immediately a different person. She avoided me and the communication slowed to a crawl. When I would point it out she would get extremely angry. There was every excuse not to see me. (She needs to get used to the apartment, she has to clean it, she got the apartment so she wouldn't need to pack bags anymore, etc) A week in she told me she thinks she needs to stay for her daughters sake. I told her I understood so let's talk about how we shift our relationship. Do we start looking for homes up there? Do we just see eachother when we can? I was told no again. I would hate it there and end up hating her so it may as well happen now. I was/am devastated.

As the last few months have passed, I've tried to keep in contact but have been blocked on multiple avenues. When I ask what I did wrong, I continue to be told I've never done anything wrong. She tells me that she loves me but does not think of me. Has not shed a tear over this for me. She has been incredibly hateful towards me and treats me as if I hardly exist to her. Then when I point it out she tells me "Sorry". In the way that someone does when they don't mean it.

I understand that this could look like a case of a breakup caused by a stressful situation. But there are so many boxes that I think my ex can check as I look back on things.
- She had no identity of her own. She mirrored me the entire relationship. It was difficult for her to even answer where she wanted to eat when I would ask. Initially I took it as non confrontational.
- She idealized me in every way. I could no wrong. While I am a relatively good person, I am not perfect. She asked if I would come to one of her therapy sessions and I mentioned that I was concerned that she never expressed an issue with anything that I did. The therapist asked her about this and she said it was true. She cannot think of a single thing and that I was perfect for her.
- She had impulse control issues. There were times that she would say incredibly inappropriate things and incredibly inappropriate times. And I don't mean simply bad language. She seemed to not know it was wrong until being told.
- She had a very childlike view of things and often complained that things weren't fair and that she didn't do anything wrong
-After she left, she became an entirely different person towards me. (Splitting?) She spoke to me in a tone I had never heard her use towards people that she hated, and probably deserved it. This is a woman who never even told me to shut up. Be quiet was as close as I heard. Now I'm told that I'm annoying and don't listen and then immediately get blocked.

I don't know that this is BPD, but it feels that way to me. I have had breakups before which left me hurt. I have never had anything like this. It has been 4 months and I still feel that this is day 1. I feel broken, confused, and worst of all, feel as if there's no closure. I can't get a straight answer from her as to what happened. I only get, "I don't know why I do the things I do. This is just the way I am." In certain moments I'll get cryptic texts that say she loves me and she's angry at herself for not being brave and strong enough for what she knows she should do. When I tell her I don't understand and ask her to please explain so that I can help, I get told off and then blocked. I've had so many mixed signals that I simply don't know what I'm to do. I was told that she's thankful I didn't let her push me away and then I get screamed at because I don't listen that she needs time. I get told "Thank you for being you and always being there and never abandoning me" and then yelled at and blocked because I won't leave her alone

I don't know what to do. Like a drug, my emotional mind longs for the perfect relationship that we had. I don't feel like I'll ever be the same after this. Nothing at all will compare to that feeling. I am successful, attractive and a genuinely good person. I have many women interested in me but I don't want any of them. In fact, the thought of being with anyone else makes me physically ill as if I'm cheating in my mind.

I apologize for the length of this post. It was a 4 year relationship and the breakup happened over 4 months ago. I wanted to give as much detail as possible in hopes that someone can give me some insight to help me. I am truly lost.

[l8kgrl]

Coping, I don’t have advice to offer. I’m new to all of this myself, just a couple months out of my relationship and still learning about BPD and trying retrospectively to make sense of things.

I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. A BPD breakup seems to be its own kind of unique awfulness and just messes with your mind in the worst way. The end is excruciating, it’s like you’re (one is) addicted to the person.

I think you’re in the right place for support and understanding. Sending you a big hug, you’re not alone!

[CopingIn717]

Thank you for replying l8kgrl.
I am so sorry to hear of anyone going through this though I am relieved to know that I am not alone.

It has been over 4 months and a large part of me still very much wants her back. My emotional brain longs for the closeness we shared and some of her words, texts and emails have fueled that desire. (I love you more than anything. I want you in my life but I don't know how. I'm angry at myself for ruining all of this for reasons that I don't understand.) Even if they seem to contradict other words. (I don't think about you. I don't want to see you. You need to just go and find someone else.) My logical mind tells me that this is not a good situation to be in and even if we could reconcile, it would end in pain again at a later date.

I am at a reset 4 days of no contact but I struggle hourly with reaching out. I always feel that maybe if I say "This" she'll see. Maybe if I reminder her of "That" she will remember. But each time I've done this in the past, she's only gotten angrier. She says that she doesn't want to talk about feelings and that the reason that she hangs out with horrible "friends" rather than spend time with me is because they don't ask her about her life or her feelings while I won't stop. My logical brain tells me this is BS but my emotional brain is telling me that she needs help because she is trying to turn off all emotions and seeing or talking to me simply hurts too much. Which, in turn, keeps my hope alive.

You are right about this being addictive. I have found myself acting obsessive, manic, thinking of nothing other than talking to her. Literally nothing else matters at times than getting her back and my mind suggests doing completely inappropriate things like calling multiple times, showing up at her home unannounced or at her job. Things that shock me after I've done them (Called) or even simply thought about them (Showing up announced). I have never been this way. I have always been grounded and though I've had my share of heartache and breakups, I've always handled them well. I've been cheated on and felt angry. Been told that feelings have changed and been sad and confused. But never have I gone off the deep end like I have here. I've never looked back or begged for another chance. I've always thought too much of myself to beg someone to be with me that didn't want to. Until now. I don't recognize myself and I'm honestly frightened as to what I've become.

One of the worst parts about this is the fact that not only does my logical mind know what I should do, her friends and family members have told me to run and not look back. That she is a wild card and this is not uncommon behavior for her. They have told me that they were all hopeful that she had finally turned a corner with me as they saw her as easily the best version of her they had ever seen. But they also knew deep down that this was coming. I have all of this information from people that are closest to her, who have seen her patterns and you should think this would be enough. But no, my emotional brain tells me, "They don't know her like we do"

This is literally like my own personal hell. Often times the pain and confusion seem unbearable, and I don't know how to escape

[Rev]

Thank you in advance for reading. I will give details about my situation but first, my disclaimer that although I strongly believe my exgf has BPD, she has never been diagnosed.



I don't know what to do. Like a drug, my emotional mind longs for the perfect relationship that we had. I don't feel like I'll ever be the same after this. Nothing at all will compare to that feeling. I am successful, attractive and a genuinely good person. I have many women interested in me but I don't want any of them. In fact, the thought of being with anyone else makes me physically ill as if I'm cheating in my mind.

I apologize for the length of this post. It was a 4 year relationship and the breakup happened over 4 months ago. I wanted to give as much detail as possible in hopes that someone can give me some insight to help me. I am truly lost.

Hi!

There are parallels in your story and mine - the ideal "soulmate" - the drug like feeling - the falling hard and being in other relationships (although in my case, I was the new supply without knowing it - and I wasn't really looking for a relationship at the time).

Five year relationship - married for 18 months in there - come to find out after the fact that about 80% of our relationship was founded on lies that she knew were bound to come to the surface soon. So she tanked our marriage by running up a crazy amount of debt (which thank God remains hers because of the divorce laws where I live).  People with BPD are a very strange bunch.

I totally get the "you feel like you are cheating" and the "I'll never find another like her" emotions.

11 months later, I am in new relationship that is really good. Covid 19 is forcing us to co-habitate and all is really good.

Before I say more about how I got here, I'm not 100% sure what it is that you want - as in what are you hoping to gain in terms of an outcome from insights?  For instance, are you hoping to stay friends, are you hoping to erase her from your memory, are you hoping to heal and one day start a new relationship regardless of what she does, are you looking for closure?

Does that make sense?

Rev

[CopingIn717]

Thank you so much for replying Rev.

As to your question, had you asked yesterday, I would have answered that while I was torn, I really wanted to reconcile. Today, I learned of some new information that has me so disgusted that I just want to attempt to heal and learn to trust again. You see, I found proof that she has been sleeping with her boss. The boss that she was going on business trips with while I watched her daughter and brought her to school and took care of her because she had to go away for work. The boss she had while I went to court with her to fight for custody. While I held her hand and consoled her because she was seemingly so distraught. I broke NC and confronted her and she denied it yet again. Calling me crazy, making things up, delusional. I told her that I know, I have proof she has been sending him pictures and videos of her. Even though she knows she has, she continued to deny it. It's really astonishing.

I am still confused as to how she could change from one person to another like this. Tell me she loves me these past 4 months since she left but that she needed every spare minute for her daughter. All the while setting up and sleeping with her next source.

I am still devastated, but I do not want her back. However, I still do not know how to wrap my mind around the person she is now vs the one she was then. After reading as much as I have, I do realize that I will never understand so I guess I'm looking at tips for coming to acceptance. As well as learning to become whole again and trust.

[Rev]

Thank you so much for replying Rev.

As to your question, had you asked yesterday, I would have answered that while I was torn, I really wanted to reconcile. Today, I learned of some new information that has me so disgusted that I just want to attempt to heal and learn to trust again. You see, I found proof that she has been sleeping with her boss. The boss that she was going on business trips with while I watched her daughter and brought her to school and took care of her because she had to go away for work. The boss she had while I went to court with her to fight for custody. While I held her hand and consoled her because she was seemingly so distraught. I broke NC and confronted her and she denied it yet again. Calling me crazy, making things up, delusional. I told her that I know, I have proof she has been sending him pictures and videos of her. Even though she knows she has, she continued to deny it. It's really astonishing.

I am still confused as to how she could change from one person to another like this. Tell me she loves me these past 4 months since she left but that she needed every spare minute for her daughter. All the while setting up and sleeping with her next source.

I am still devastated, but I do not want her back. However, I still do not know how to wrap my mind around the person she is now vs the one she was then. After reading as much as I have, I do realize that I will never understand so I guess I'm looking at tips for coming to acceptance. As well as learning to become whole again and trust.

Totally feel you - mine had an affair with her newly found bio brother - emotional at first at physical after we separated. I will write you back with the process I followed.

Totally sucks. So sorry you went thru this. In time you will see how lucky you are that you've been set free. But yeah - totally suck and very painful.

I'll write you back.

[CopingIn717]

Thanks Rev. I'm so sorry to hear your story. I can't imagine trying to wrap my head around that betrayal along with everything else.

I look forward to hearing back from you and anything that you can send me is much appreciated.

[Rev]

Thanks Rev. I'm so sorry to hear your story. I can't imagine trying to wrap my head around that betrayal along with everything else.

I look forward to hearing back from you and anything that you can send me is much appreciated.

I must say it was really surreal to watch it happen before my eyes.  Part of what I will share with you is the concrete plan I put in place.  I am going to share it in a pvt message, because there are some things that I don't want on the boards.

But helping others helps me.

I no longer see it as a betrayal. I see it as her BPD/NPD being a malignant condition - like cancer spreading.  The relationship with the brother has hit the skids in some fashion - which only reinforces how out of control she it. Sometimes a bigger shock is better than a series of microaggressions - because there is not denying it. (she has a diagnosis out there - or rather a assessment from a social worker that I have never been really privy to).

Rev

[CopingIn717]

Definitely interested in seeing your plan.
Thank you again.