Mourning the life you should have had

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I’m a daughter of uBPD mother.  A couple days ago I had a reunion of sorts with a bunch of people I went to school with 20-25 years ago.  We’re all in our early 50’s now.  I think I was the only one of more than 20 people who didn’t have a spouse and kids.  I know I missed out on all of that due to all of the issues I have from my mother’s reign of terror in my childhood.  It’s all hit me today - the grief, the loss of what could have been, the double unfairness of having her for a mother and then missing out on having a family.  I’m just overwhelmed today.  Has anyone else dealt with this?

[Bunny]

I’m a daughter of uBPD mother.  A couple days ago I had a reunion of sorts with a bunch of people I went to school with 20-25 years ago.  We’re all in our early 50’s now.  I think I was the only one of more than 20 people who didn’t have a spouse and kids.  I know I missed out on all of that due to all of the issues I have from my mother’s reign of terror in my childhood.  It’s all hit me today - the grief, the loss of what could have been, the double unfairness of having her for a mother and then missing out on having a family.  I’m just overwhelmed today.  Has anyone else dealt with this?

[JNChell]

Hello, Bunny. I’ve most certainly sat with similar feelings that you are now. Both of my parents were very abusive and disordered. I’ve had many failed relationships, and it took a long time to figure out why. The last one being with S5’s mom. I’m 43 and he’s a youngster.

It sounds like the reunion caused you some anxiety. It’s ok. That’s a normal feeling when we were raised the way that we were. Please don’t beat yourself up over not having the same things that others do, or feeling like you need to reflect a status quo.

I have these feelings a lot. Especially since I’ve finally processed and put the anger behind me.

It sounds like you’re going through this right now. If you’re up for it, will you tell us more about your current feelings? We’re here.

[Bunny]

Thank you for your kind words JNChell.  What I’m feeling is just profound grief for the loss of the joy of having children, the loss of the experience of coming home each night to someone loving and supportive.  I feel so unlovable, tainted, ugly.  I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone who will be a partner - I keep going after emotionally unavailable men.  I’m afraid a decent guy would be disgusted and horrified if he got to know the real me under the facade of my high functioning and friendly exterior.  The past 3
Months the grief has just been overwhelming.  My shrink says I need to forgive myself for the abuse happening to me before I can move on.  It’s hard when I saw my brother treated differently, and even now the unavailable men I pick seem to find other women to have relationships with.

[JNChell]

Bunny . You’re processing some very rough stuff. The thing is is that it needs to be processed so you should pat yourself on the back for having the courage to face it. I understand what you’re describing. I have to assume that you’re here for support as well as to hopefully learn some things. There’s much to learn here, my friend.

I feel so unlovable, tainted, ugly

This is your inner critic manifesting. Here’s a link that I hope will help you understand better than I can describe it. It’s a self assessment test. There are a lot of these here on the site. They’re very helpful and interesting at the same time.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139748.0

Here’s another link to an expert named Paul Walker. He specializes in complex trauma.

www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

Pair bonding and finding a partner is a natural part of being human. I have yearned for this my entire adult life, but every relationship has failed. Eventually, with therapy and the help from this community I realized that I had to take some time off from pursuing that and begin to look inward. It’s the most important thing that I’ve ever done with my life. I started to see things very differently than I did before.

Please let us know what you think about the inner critic material.