Do I Call His Bluff? AGAIN?

[Frannie Fay]

Hi Friends,

Sorry for all of the posts...I'm going through a crisis. He did his typical verbal abuse coupled with slamming doors in anger. Then he said he would understand if I broke up with him. I came to bed just now, he's taken all of his clothes from the closet, took his lamp off the night table, all of his things and he locked himself in the spare bedroom...is he WANTING me to leave him? Should I just leave? Is that what a borderline wants? I'm so effing confused. We've been living together for 7 years. I feel so discarded. I can't handle this anymore.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

It's ok.  For all the posts.

What I think I am finally getting is allowing consequences.

If I can get in touch with my truth, and allowing consequences.

So it's a tall order because I am co dependent and do not advocate for me.

I am last on my list.

If it seems counter intuitive.  Then that is my clue that it is probably the correct thing to do.

I am a student, not a teacher.

With gratitude

juju

[paperinkart]

I find that when my uBPD partner gets to the point of “why are you with me? Why don’t you just leave me?” And then actively pushes me away, it’s usually a test to see if I’ll really go.

It’s obviously extremely frustrating for us but people with
borderline have the emotional capacity of children and often express it by throwing these tantrums. It’s basically the same thing as a little kid stomping to his room and screaming “YOU DONT EVEN LOVE ME ANYMORE!”

Of course what they are asking for is reassurance and seeking attention and love- just going about it in a backwards way. I can’t say with 100% certainty that this is what your partner is doing but it is a possibility.

Have you noticed a difference in his behaviour when you react in certain ways? I find the more calm I can remain and react, the faster it de-escalates. I’ll usually just say “I can understand you’re very upset right now. I’m not upset and I really care about you. I’ll give you some space to cool off and when you’re ready to talk, I’m here for you.”

Then when he does want to talk, make sure to keep your anger in check as much as possible (I know it can be so hard!) and just listen with an open heart. Hopefully that will allow a smoother reunion where you can both feel safe. Good luck!