I’m experiencing a crisis.

[JNChell]

I feel the need to apologize here, and have to admit that I feel foolish for what happened. I sincerely appreciate the support that you’ve all given, but you shouldn’t have had to. I’ve done too much work to regress into suicidal ideation. It does have me taking a closer look at myself and looking at making adjustments to better care for myself, but I just feel bad for placing feelings like that at the doorstep of others. I’m very sorry, but very grateful that you all were there.

[HappyChappy]

JNChell I feel for you here. It’s only normal for you to feel the weight of what your parents did, as you eloquently said. I fell very ill about 5 years ago which lead me to my epiphany and finding this site. Had plenty of suicidal thoughts on the way, but now I’m back to my usually Happy Chappy ways. It will pass. Maybe you’re just burnt out, I know I do that and it’s common in a BPD family settings. Why not go to the Dr. they’ve got some cracking drugs and some of them are legal. I found revealing the stress coupled with medication was the way I mended. I sold my business and now just work part time. You should be proud of what you’ve achieved. People with our background often end up adicted or homeless and yet you and I have kept it together this long. Well done us. You do an excellent job on this forum under Queen Hari  , but it sounds like you need to give yourself a break, live Prince Harry. In the mean time here's a joke. What did the 0 say to the 8 ? Nice belt.

[Cat Familiar]

No need to apologize. Any one of us could feel the way you did. No matter how much self work we’ve done, we are all human.

I think you are beating yourself up here. That tendency is something to be aware of. We strive toward perfection, but can never achieve it—such is the lot of being born in a physical body.

Perhaps it’s time to redirect those feelings toward appreciation of all that you’ve accomplished, knowing that there’s always more to be learned.

 
Cat

[JNChell]

HC, I feel a bit burnt out. I encapsulate my days with these thoughts, what I should be doing better, recognizing my triggers and how to cope. I am quite spent. The thing is, I do love this community. It’s a special place. Perhaps I should be careful with that, though. I never would’ve thought that a joke about an 8 and a 0 could be that gut wrenching. The corniest of the corniest. But I laughed my  off. I appreciate you.

[JNChell]

Much more to be learned, Cat. Thank you.

[HappyChappy]

HC, I feel a bit burnt out... I am quite spent.

We have the sort or upbrining that would encourage us to burn out. Can you take a break ? I've sold my business a few months ago and I've purposefully done nothing (but focus on my health) and I have improved dramatically. It's amazing what doing nothing can do. Mind you I'm getting fed up of Judge Judy, shes on 3 channels. If I wanted to listen to a bad tempered woman that thinks too much of herself, shouting and criticising I'd visit my mom. Actually now I'm not ill I also have more compassion for my BPD mom.

[JNChell]

I’m happy to hear that you have been able to create that space for yourself. Im in the process of trying to do that because it feels very necessary.

Yeah, how is it that legal matters become reality TV? I’m not surprised by much anymore. Tell your 8 to pull it’s pants up and tighten its belt.

[gotbushels]

JNChell  

I join the others in giving you the support. I'm glad to see that you coped fine. We all have down days. It gets easier. As you investigate when the down days happen you'll often find that there are often cognitive distortions. It gets easier as you work on them.  

Keep trucking and I hope you may enjoy your weekend.

[JNChell]

Hi, gotbushels. Thanks for bringing this to the table. The cognitive distortions. I hadn’t even thought about that. There is so much to consider sometimes, and it can be difficult to stay on top of it all consistently and at the same time while the feelings go into motion, or cause bad thoughts and hopelessness.

You’re right, it’s important to remember what causes those feelings when they come about. There doesn’t always have to be a trigger, sometimes they just show up. I imagine that this happens more now because I’m open to the trauma and it is at the surface. It’s not repressed, and definitely something that needs to be worked through.

In all of the studying and research that I’ve done about my condition, one thing that has always stuck out is that a great deal of victims give up when it gets really hard. When the feelings get very acute, they don’t understand how close they are to a final and gradual downswing in these feelings. They give up and choose to live in the dysfunction. That’s not a judgment by any means. I empathize with the struggles. I understand. I still just refuse to be defeated by this stuff.

I equate the cognitive distortions to my inner critic, which is equated to conditioning of the mind. My parents are still with me beyond the grave. It’s hard to overcome, sometimes hard to stay on top of, but my responsibility to get past. Sorry for opening up the floodgates here, but the thoughts are present, so why not?

[gotbushels]

JNChell   

Sorry for opening up the floodgates here, but the thoughts are present, so why not?

As Cat Familiar mentioned- no need to apologise for expressing yourself in this place of support. If it helps you get through things- let it be. If you've been on the boards for some time and people come forward with their vulnerabilities- I bet you let them do it so they can work through it. You don't expect an apology for their honesty. So take the rights you give to others.   

There is so much to consider sometimes, and it can be difficult to stay on top of it all consistently and at the same time while the feelings go into motion, or cause bad thoughts and hopelessness.

You don't have to be on top of all things all the time. If you have this expectation of yourself, that's going to lead you to tend toward the magnification/catastrophising error. So I encourage you to take things one step at a time. P.s. I hold to what I said before- prayers help a lot. So pick just one distortion that speaks to you- that you want to work on, then work on it.

Be clear about what you want to do, where you want to go, whatever image of mental health you want to make of your self, and don't make things harder for yourself- we all need support from others from time to time.

[Lstrayed]

Hi JNChell! I related to your post. I have been there! Dealing with everything is exhausting! And at times.. I feel very alone in it! Some of the members here have given amazing and insightful advice..and I don't have much to add. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the way you feel!  If you enjoy reading..I have a few book suggestions. First is Complex PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker. I also just read Revolution Of The Soul by Seane Corn and LOVED it. Its a memoir and has alot to do with yoga but I found so much valuable information about releasing trauma in it! My favorite quote from the book is: "You must first acknowledge the "F**k You" before you can get to the "Bless You" This was pivotal for me! Maybe you can't relate to this, but for me, I have always tried to find the purpose and the lessons and meaning of it all. I still believe that the spiritual aspects have been key to my healing..but I was missing the "f**k you" I have been setting time each day to release as much as I can and it feels like letting air out of a big trauma balloon that I call my mind! So I bought a cheap folding exercise bike on Amazon and I shut my bedroom door and go miles on this bike. I really feel like I am getting the "crazy" energy out of my body! While on the bike I put my earbuds in and listen to music that speaks to my soul! Sometimes its angry music, sometimes uplifting, sometimes its those songs that I know will make me cry..the songs that feel like the soundtrack to my life. I have even been brave enough to listen to the songs my brother and I loved as kids...like Mary Jane and Free Fallin by Tom Petty and Never Tear Us Apart by INXS. After his suicide I ran from these songs because they tore me up so badly and reminded me of my sad childhood. I feel like I have taken them back. I feel like when I cry I am crying healing tears. I feel like I am releasing the traumas and when Im done it feels like a weight is lifted. Of course...I'm not cured. But I am TRYING to see my breakdowns as precursors to my next breakthroughs. Funny story...a few months ago I lost it! The neediness of our outside family had me feeling like I was crawling out of my skin. I went outside in the dark with the intention of "deep breathing" I ended up quietly punting each one of our solar lights one by one into the nighy sky(I dont have neighbors). Typically I would feel shame..but instead I felt an odd satisfaction. I told my husband I'd clean it all up in the morning and went to bed. Now my husband and I cut the tension when one of us is feeling overwhelmed by saying...Hide the solar lights, or time to get new solar lights  With all the BS I have dealt with in this life I feel a real success in the fact that it's just solar lights I'm kicking Im sorry you hit a rough patch..and I know all too well the disappointment of feeling "past" certain things only to find yourself feeling hopeless again. I too have questioned whether I could go on...the strength is in admitting it and seeking help! Be as kind to yourself as you can... you deserve it!

[JNChell]

Hi, Lstrayed. Thank you for sharing. I can understand having to feel the anger before being able to be at peace. It’s a back and forth and up and down road.

I’m so sorry about your brother. You sharing that has given me perspective on the impact of doing something like I came here with.

It’s just hard sometimes and it’s nice to be able to bring it here. Your hubby sounds like a stellar guy. I admit, I chuckled at the solar light story. Not at you because I understand the frustration, but the fact that the two you are able to understand each other and laugh at it yourselves. That’s nice. Like, awesome.

Thank you for sharing.

[Harri]

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Thank you.