Is It SO Wrong To Ask...

[Frannie Fay]

So...is it wrong to ask a Borderline person: "Darling, do you know how long you'll be?"

Apparently YES...it's a terrible thing to ask him. It kills his motivation. It makes him feel as though I'm controlling him. We had plans for a special dinner at 8pm. It was 8:20pm when I originally asked how long he'd be.

So I say "I understand, but just for my information, how would you like me to ask you? I just want to know how I should plan my time right now."

Apparently this is me "making matters worse", I'm "starting a fight", I'm "too self-absorbed and treating him like he's my enemy". And then the interrogation starts, why this and why that...then the picking-me-apart and psycho-analysis..."you're just feeling this way because of this" and "you're only saying that because you feel this"...Oh my gawd...shut up please.

?

I don't know how much more I can take of this insanity. I feel sorry for anyone who has a mental health disorder, I in fact, suffer depression and have for years. But I am one of the lucky ones who can manage it by taking action to help myself. He refuses to get help or to help himself.

I feel as though I can't ask one darn thing anymore without him taking it like an insult. He projects when he accuses me of treating him like he's my enemy when in fact, HE is treating me like I'm his enemy.

I thought we had a breakthrough this morning when I said to him "I'm on YOUR side, would you please just take me for who I am? Take what I say for what it is? Would you please stop assuming there is an ulterior motive, stop interrogating, accusing, challenging and debating every thing I say? I'm just trying to be your loving wife, I'm trying to be myself, I'm not trying to manipulate you."  He seemed to accept that he was doing that and agreed to stop it.

But he starts all over again just 8 hours later. Now I can't even ask him how long he'll be when he promised me dinner at 8pm and we're going on 8:47pm and he still won't tell me how long he'll be. AND I'm not allowed to ask or I'll get yelled at. Instead of communicating with me, he's now puttering around the house looking for more things to do, and slamming doors and walls at the same time...I am now taking off my dinner clothes and heading to bed.

Who puts up with this? I mean really? It's too much. I've been patient for 7 years, I hate to admit it, but I think I'm completely losing empathy for him.

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[hope2727]

Yup I so don't miss that. I am sorry that was your experience. And NO it is not to much to ask. Yikes. The things they freak out over. Mine's list included if I thanked him for the same thing more than once I was i=cancelling out the first thank you, I couldn't ask where he had been, what he was doing, or when he would be home, Sorry was a fake word (explain that one to me please), I shouldn't ask what he wants to eat I should be able to read his mind, he shouldn't have to wear his seatbelt, observe stop signs on slow streets, or speed limits and I could not ask him to, I could not ask if he was taking his vehicle (which was regularly unreliable) or one of my two reliable ones, I couldn't ask for or about money for the household or his spending in any way.

Ok rant over sorry. You are not alone. You are not out of line. You are not being unreasonable. Deep breathe. Hugs to you. Keep your chin up and your temper down.

[once removed]

we all have our bugaboos...

in a time of calm have you ever asked why this bugs him?