Tips for getting over triggers?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This may be a silly question, but does anyone have tips for dealing with triggers from your relationship?

The most difficult trigger for me is music/Spotify, because it's something important to me and I strongly associate it with him now. I'm a huge music lover, so was ex-bf. We went to many shows together, he was always introducing me to new artists, and he sent me a ton of songs on Spotify. That was one of his little loving gestures he did regularly - texting me songs with romantic lyrics, that kind of thing. Spotify is also where I saw that he had started making playlists for another woman a couple weeks after our breakup; I've stopped looking at his account but that bit still stings.

I haven't listened to a lot of music in the past couple of months since we broke up. I feel like music is very emotional in general, and also brings up memories of him specifically. Even stuff we didn't listen to together. It's REALLY annoying me.

I want to reclaim this thing...do I just desensitize myself by starting to listen regularly? Do I just need to give it more time until it doesn't bother me?

[l8kgrl]

This may be a silly question, but does anyone have tips for dealing with triggers from your relationship?

The most difficult trigger for me is music/Spotify, because it's something important to me and I strongly associate it with him now. I'm a huge music lover, so was ex-bf. We went to many shows together, he was always introducing me to new artists, and he sent me a ton of songs on Spotify. That was one of his little loving gestures he did regularly - texting me songs with romantic lyrics, that kind of thing. Spotify is also where I saw that he had started making playlists for another woman a couple weeks after our breakup; I've stopped looking at his account but that bit still stings.

I haven't listened to a lot of music in the past couple of months since we broke up. I feel like music is very emotional in general, and also brings up memories of him specifically. Even stuff we didn't listen to together. It's REALLY annoying me.

I want to reclaim this thing...do I just desensitize myself by starting to listen regularly? Do I just need to give it more time until it doesn't bother me?

[once removed]

I want to reclaim this thing...do I just desensitize myself by starting to listen regularly? Do I just need to give it more time until it doesn't bother me?

those are really the two schools of thought when it comes to triggers.

do you avoid that restaurant where you had your first date, or do you go straight back there and make new memories.

there arent right or wrong answers, of course. i did a combination of both.

balance is key, i think.

i think over indulging, wallowing, is generally harmful. unlike other breakups, i avoided sad music, and went for empowering music. but i think making time to meditate and focus on our grief, cry, whatever, has its place as well. i did this recently: i was triggered about something unrelated, and i dove straight in, and i think it was helpful. it did desensitize me.

but ill tell you, i had a hard time with looking at my exes social media, and someone suggested maybe i should just look ad nauseum, and desensitize myself. instead, i eventually talked myself into avoiding it like the plague, and i think that was the right call. further down the line, i was able to look with no problem.

so in general, it may not answer your question definitively, but i think there isnt a right or wrong answer apart from "know your limits and be mindful of when you are just psychologically torturing yourself", but the sooner you are able to reclaim associations, and create new memories, the more detached you are.

[l8kgrl]

Yes, you're right Once removed, I'm sure a little of both is the answer, and no, these breakups aren't like "normal" ones. It's like everything is emotionally imprinted at a deeper level. Very annoying.

I was just thinking of those old commercials, was it for Office Max or something? We need an EASY button to push. At least once in awhile

[daze507]

I have the same when it comes to music but also videogames, we used to play a lot together, even if I now think she did not really care about videogames in the first place. These games we played are just "banned" for me, in fact it still hurts to see their cover my library.
I have also a lot a "places" triggers, and these are the absolute worst, that bench where we spent hours eating stuff we bought at the market, that specific table in that specific pub, that specific angle where we met etc. It's still hard to go to the centre because of that, too many nostalgic triggers.
It's probably because some subconscious part of us is still attached in some ways, I think that only time will remove these triggers, at least I hope it will.

[teawoman5]

Definitely not a silly question. I struggle with triggers as well...like the booth in the coffee shop and the park where we spent so much time, stuff and gifts from him in my house, etc. It helped me to get rid of his stuff and reclaim my space. It also helped to get off of social media for a couple months. I might suggest it for Spotify. Music won't be gone from your life forever, just for now when you need the space to heal. When you feel ready maybe there's a band or new genre that you can discover on your own...maybe with lyrics that you feel are empowering or describe your emotions going through this. 

Also this maybe isn't for everyone but when I find myself triggered and missing those wonderful times I vividly recall my BPD ex's face during the final discard. The coldness in his eyes and voice. Maybe you have similar "images" to draw on? They are painful, but I try to give them another purpose. I replay them as a reminder that the relationship was both good and bad. I find it sobering...there's less emotional spiraling and wishing things had been another way. Kind of like accepting the good and the bad in equal measure.

As far as the Spotify list for the other person...it's hard but try to let it serve as "proof" to yourself that something was not right with him. In the final discard, my ex told me he already had someone else lined up and he smiled over and over at his phone (not in a nice way) so I would see. Unfortunately it seems to be something a lot of pwBPD do. I have to keep reminding myself that no healthy human being would behave like that, even if things weren't working out in a relationship. And who knows with the list he could even be trying to recreate what he had with you but wasn't able to sustain...

[MeandThee29]

Time and accepting that it is a new chapter helped.

He ran, and we stayed in the same town where we had lived for decades. So lots of triggers as I drove around, had to explain things to friends, lived in the family house, etc. etc. Some people said I needed to move and start over. The therapist said I would be healthier in the long run if we worked it through and had some stability from the past as well.

We moved within the same town when the house was going to go on the market, and that was really hard because I had so many good memories in that house. The kids really struggled and still want to go by there at times. We got rid of some of the furnishings and only kept the ones we really liked that fit into our smaller rental.

We made new memories in the old locations. I learned to give a two-minute explanation to people who asked about him and drop it. Our rental turned out to be perfect for us in so many ways. I switched to a different style of music and prefer different songs. I didn't put up any old family pictures.

It still hurts like blazes at times, but I cherish the good memories that happened before the bad memories really started piling up. I experienced the truism that if the relationship is bad, the divorce process may be even worse, but then it's over.

However, sounding like my attorney here, there was a "preponderance of evidence" in the last years of our history that we no longer could be together. The definition of insanity in the recovery community is apt -- insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I had to get out of the madness for good.

[JNChell]

Triggers are a hard thing to deal with for a while. Triggers can be very complex, but it sounds like “missing the good times” triggers. I’ve sat in Applebee’s with my then 4 year old son and couldn’t eat my food because of what was being played. Music is a big one. The feelings from these triggers soften over time, but it never hurts to learn new things and understand ourselves better between those moments. Don’t get stuck in one place for to long. once removed said it best. It’s a balance. Maybe this is a good time to explore other places that provide what you enjoy. Not sure if you’re in a city, or small town. I’m in a small town, and found relief in going to a city that was 10 miles further away from where I knew my ex or her family might be. A couple bucks in gas is well worth not being triggered.

Really though, just take your time. Be patient with your feelings. Do what you need to do to protect your feelings during the process. I know it’s hard. At times, it’s like we want to run into them. Trust me, we don’t. I don’t know if you’re into cooking, but we have a good thread going on. Here’s a link to the convo. Detaching takes a lot of effort. It’s going to be okay.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=344160.0

[Cromwell]

Part of the triggers were easily dealt with, I moved home so by that notion, there was no triggers from the town I lived or the house.

music, a lot of the personal songs that were triggers were pop songs from that time, which have since dropped away in time. I got rid of all her pictures, that helped too, but sometimes I have regretted doing so.

Triggers the way ive found it are associations. Asides from avoiding, I did manage to reassociate many of them. The most difficult ones that were left lost their amplitude as I healed elsewhere, they became less significant and I saw them differently more factually than emotionally, less of "theres our song", more of "theres whatever song name, by whatever artist" and maybe realise how I either still like it or ive lost interest in it. I also find interest in seeing it from another angle, it is vibrations of sounds hitting my ear, the same as any other sound does, they share then a common association. Again, more science based than emotion inducing.

[l8kgrl]

Thank you all. Lots of good advice here.

I'm fortunate that most of the time with ex bfBPD was spent at his place, about an hour from where I live, so I don't have to see the old places regularly. (This is one time that his selfishness comes in handy)

Teawoman, yes, I do need to find some new music to listen to. Eventually these blues will lift and it will feel good again. And thank you for the reminder that his behavior wasn't ok. I've had a lifetime of justifying "not ok" behavior by others, so it helps to get a reality check. I'm sorry your ex was also so callous in trying to prove his happiness at moving on. It's just cruel.

JNChell, I'll check out the cooking thread!