Splitting

[Martin 123]

My ex splitting was one of the weirdest and shocking experiences i have ever witnessed. I want to make this post to know what are your thoughts on the matter and how was your experience with such episode. It happened so unexpectedly and fast that (didnt knew about bpd back then) i couldnt comprehend her delusions. I remember taking all the blaming and asking for forgiveness  when i was dealing with a mental disorder.

¿What are your thoughts?

[daze507]

Yeah, the splitting, you have to experience it to understand.
It goes so fast you can't even process it while it's happening. For the pwBPD however, that moment was already planned during devaluation.

[csquare319]

Hi Daze507, the more I think of what your said, the more light it shed on my recent breakup. One minute, the conversation was going OK, then I asked her about a sensitive issue, which we talked before without her splitting, but this time she blew up like she was possessed by the devil, and broke up with me right then and there. She started dating someone almost immediately.

In hindsight, and thanks to your wisdom, prior to our last meeting, she had probably already located her next target/victim through online dating, and all she needed was a pretext to remove the last obstacle in her way - me.

Thank you so much for sharing, it really helped to answer some of my lingering questions.

[daze507]

You're welcome but I really did not say anything special. It's just that despite being different persons, the patterns tend to always be the same when it comes to relationships with BPDs. Sometimes they even say the exact same things, during idealisation or discard. Don't hesitate to ask if you have other questions, somebody else or myself will undoubtedly bring some clarity.

[JNChell]

Splitting is a very confusing and fast thing as has been stated. I don’t really think that a pwBPD plans such things most of the time. They can be very impulsive and dysregulate at the drop of a hat and feel hatred for a person that they showed affection for 5 minutes earlier. I’m trying to say that pwBPD aren’t that calculated most of the time. They are often comorbid with other conditions. Being high on the spectrum for narcissism would explain being more calculated in their actions.

I believe that S5’s mom was sometimes calculated, other times she just went off over things that still baffle me, to a point. She could upend me, and a little while later it was like nothing ever happened. I would try to discuss it with her, and it would send her into another rage. I’ve been split for 10 minutes-2months. I never could navigate it.

[csquare319]

Thanks for the follow up, JNChell. I agree that a BPD comorbid with NPD would more likely resort to such premediated manipulation. In my case, she was only formally diagnosed with BPD, so perhaps I was reading too much into her last reaction.

[daze507]

Yes, I did not express poorly here, I did not mean she planned she final splitting as such however but that she already considers leaving the relationship before it without telling you.

[teawoman5]

Very similar experience. The splitting was weird and shocking and it all happened so fast. There were never any problems in the relationship prior. Looking back, I now recognize moments where he was emotional dysregulated but like you I had no idea what BPD was at the time.

My BPD ex had a decent amount of awareness of his "pattern" (but not that it was BPD). He didn't know what splitting was, but he described it as 'dealing with emotions he had no control over' and later as 'suddenly seeing all of the flaws in someone' and completely shutting off feelings towards them.

My main experience of the splitting was hurt, pain and confusion. It is extremely unnatural for non BPD people.

[TheWire]

I agree with JNChell for the most part I personally don't think splitting is calculated. BPD is fundamentally an impulsive disorder marked by unhealthy emotional coping mechanisms.

This is a crude and possibly patronising analogy but I think of it like you telling a toddler won't buy a toy they want, you immediately are the source of whatever pain that toddler is feeling and in that moment you appear a bad person to them, they may tell you they hate you, moments later you may be amazing again once that pain has been forgotten.

The main point of difference is perhaps the duration of these feelings and it's much easier to understand what triggers the toddler but the BPD can be a lot more confusing to work out.