More Space/Covid

[Spindle0516]

Hi All- It has been a while. It has been just over a month since my MIL moved out and I decided to take a break and just try and adjust to our new normal without obsessing over BPD.

I cannot even begin to describe the positive difference having space has made for my husband and I. Our overall stress and anxieties are way lower and we find ourselves just having way more fun. We laugh with regularity again. It is hard to fathom the degree to which my MIL’s uBPD dictated every inch of our lives when we were all together.

This is not to say, though, that it still doesn’t play a role in our day to day experience. Surprisingly, it is not my husband that seems to be struggling with this new routine, but me. He can handle minimal contact, a phone call/video chat every few days. He doesn’t overthink/overreact and disengages beautifully to her dysregulation.

I, on the other hand, am having a harder time than when we were in person and I do not know why. Complete role reversal. I do believe that Covid-19 is playing a role in this and I am finding her casual disregard for the health and safety of both herself and others infuriating. She goes on and on about how she is in the high risk category (diabetic, COPD, over 60 etc..) and how she would die if she got it, but she continues to work at a bar, has regular visits with her family, and long weekend overnights with her granddaughter.
She postponed her move back into her house due to the coronavirus pandemic and continues to temporarily live in an RV on her parent’s property. She says this is because she would get sick if she moved now, but her behavior does not translate actual concern.
My husband has really done beautifully with the “this is her choice and the consequences are hers to suffer” logic and does not even go down that road with her. For some reason, every time I talk to her, I find myself sneaking in at least one comment about how she is being reckless with her own health and the safety of others. Her life is hers to live, but the consequences here are not just hers to suffer. They could affect others.

(I am sure that me living in NYC, so close to some communities that have been affected the most, heightens this concern for me. I sometimes think that maybe she just doesn’t get it, but at the end of the day, I think BPD is more at play with her contradicting behavior than lack of understanding.)

Anyway, anyone else ever struggle with adjusting to more space and not having their BPD with them constantly? And is anyone else struggling with what seems to be irresponsible behavior in their BPD with regard to Covid-19?

[GaGrl]

So good to hear from you! I'm glad the space has lightened the atmosphere for your husband and you -- it's good to laugh.

My mom lives with us and is usually easy to live with, but she has a few BPD traits that surface sometimes, and it's happening now with the Covid-19 virus. At 93, she has several medical appts that must be done in person, while others can be done via FaceTime. I am making sure she follows guidelines, but some of it chafes her. The latest is that we are getting the silent treatment/pout and aren't sure why. One reason might be that she received her stimulus check and wants to have work done on the car she transferred to me that is for her needs, and I wouldn't just drive her to the mechanic yesterday, not knowing if they were even open as an essential business. Kind you, she has plenty -- PLENTY -- of funds to do this anytime, not just when the stimulus check comes in. The other reason might be that we mentioned that when restrictions are lifted, we will drive to see my husband's daughter and granddaughter and will be gone about a week. She doesn't like our leaving, although my son stays with her, and she thinks my husband caters to this daughter (which, considering our current level of caregiving, is ridiculous).

Sigh...She may get over it by this evening sometime.

[Spindle0516]

GaGrl- the stimulus check was an issue for my MIL as well. She is on the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of money and has virtually none. She receives SSD and last year my husband and I claimed her as a dependent which rendered her ineligible for the stimulus check. She was livid and wanted my husband and I to send her half of our stimulus check as a result. (Granted, it was her idea that we claim her on our taxes. AND we spent way more than the value of the stimulus check on things she said she wanted/needed last year)

Anyway, I am curious to see how money will continue to play out with this distance that we now have. She knows that we are not going to support her if she spends too much money and cannot cover her living expenses, but she has already begun to buy and send us things that we didn’t ask for!

[GaGrl]

It's interesting that you will need boundaries in place even though you are no longer living together. Have you thought about those boundaries and consequences?

Why do you think you are having a more difficult time with your MIL's new situation than your husband is?

I found it very difficult for a number of years to let my mom self-soothe. It agitated me and I felt a lot of anxiety when she was giving me or my sister the silent treatment. I think the foundation of that was trying to feel my mom's feelings for her, instead of focusing on my own feelings and letting her work through her own.

Today's status -- she's thawing but not completely re-set. I am doing sound care for her right now, and I think physical touch helps.

[Methuen]

Hi Spindle!

So nice to hear from you again!

Our overall stress and anxieties are way lower and we find ourselves just having way more fun.

I, on the other hand, am having a harder time than when we were in person and I do not know why...For some reason, every time I talk to her, I find myself sneaking in at least one comment about how she is being reckless with her own health and the safety of others. Her life is hers to live, but the consequences here are not just hers to suffer. They could affect others.

I think I get where you are coming from.  You are coming from a place of caring, both for her and for others around her. Her decisions could bring harm to other people as well as herself, and you are kind of using JADEing to prevent that maybe?  But does this really have a chance of changing her behavior?  I'm guessing that the harder you try, the more she will stay the same, or even possibly get more determined to do things her way.

 I say this because of my experience with my mother.  I tried so hard.  OMG I tried so hard, because I care and love her.  I was trying to help.  But now I see that I was trying to change her!  Talking, discussing, explaining, rationalizing, justifying etc works in a conversation with healthy people.  But in a pwBPD, it is more likely that the two of you will become more frustrated with each other.  She is who she is.  You can't change that.  Sometimes now when my mom says something I would have responded to in the past, I just stay quiet and say nothing (she never knows what to do with that).  Or I might ask her a simple question and not reply to her answer.  Or I change the topic completely.  If it's too hard for you right now to do that, another strategy could be for you would be to have shorter or fewer conversations with her, and let your husband have the conversations with her, since he seems to be managing well with the “this is her choice and the consequences are hers to suffer” logic and does not even go down that road with her.  

Since I completely accepted my mom for who she is (what she says and how she acts), I no longer feel any need to pursuade her to live better or healthier, or make better or safer decisions.  If she falls and cracks her skull or breaks her hip, it was her choice.  She recently declined a community care visit from an occupational therapist to come look at her house and property to do an assessment for safety and recommend adaptations for "falls prevention".  When she told me that, I stayed silent and changed the subject.  No conflict, no drama.  Her decision.  Her consequences.  Period and end of story.  I'm way happier, and so is she.  Yay.  Nothing was going to change anyways by my questioning her decision.  Her thinking has always been distorted and it's not going to change at the age of 84. I suspect your H has also accepted his mom for who she is.  It's not that he doesn't care as much, it's just that he's "radically accepted" her maybe?

Not sure if my share is relatable to your situation, but I thought I would put it down here, since I think I understand where you are coming from.  I think you are coming from a place of deep caring for both your MIL and the people around her, and maybe you even feel a sense of responsibility to say something, but your MIL will instead probably feel it is invalidating, and to her it may even feel like it's controlling because of the BPD.  

I am really happy for you that your H isn't so enmeshed with her that it affects your marriage.  

I sometimes think that maybe she just doesn’t get it, but at the end of the day, I think BPD is more at play with her contradicting behavior than lack of understanding.)

I think you are right to believe that her BPD is the bigger factor.  More info about Covid from you is unlikely to help.  What has happened in NY is visible to everyone including her.

Keep enjoying your time with H, and feeling the joy and having fun.  That's the way it's supposed to be.  Life has plenty of curve balls, so I'm learning it's OK to feel joy in the good times, and not feel guilty.

[Spindle0516]

Why do you think you are having a more difficult time with your MIL's new situation than your husband is?

I’ve been thinking about this question for the past few days and I have a few ideas:

1.   Prior to her moving, I was coping much better than my husband with the stress of the situation. We were preparing for her departure, packing, making arrangements. I do really well when I am planning things and when I am engaged in a project. In some weird way, I think even trying to learn and practice the skills we talk about here was almost like a project. I had so much that required my focus and energy, and while I was stressed and definitely still struggling, I had a purpose.
2.   After she flew to Fl, we were supposed to drive down with the remainder of her things in the beginning of April. Obviously, Covid derailed our plans, so her room is basically a giant closet right now. I know Covid is not her fault, and could not have been predicted, but it always seems like something interferes with our plans when it comes to her. One of the things that I was looking forward to was reclaiming her room as functional living space for my husband and I, but her belongings are currently preventing that. Until we can get them down, I cannot move forward with our plans to redo that room.
3.   I am in the airline industry. Covid obviously affected the travel industry immensely, so I am out of work until August. Like I just said, I do better when I have things that I am engaged in, and not working or having any social interaction or any projects, is taking it’s toll on my mental health. (It doesn’t help that since I have so much free time, this would have been an ideal time to redo and reorganize her room had her stuff not been taking over the space)
4.   I see old behavior starting to surface. When we first moved in together, she kept buying my husband and I things we didn’t ask for or didn’t need. She recently sent us an extra controller for the play station. We actually needed one, so it was helpful, but then a few days later, we received a giant wok from her. She said that my husband always wanted one (but he hasn’t so he was confused by it as well) and now we have this extra thing to try and find space for in a small kitchen. I am worried we are going down the road of overbuying us things. My husband feels like it makes her happy and allows her to just be the mom she wants to be and is able to let it go. It makes me feel like she isn’t here but still has some weird control in our lives. I has only been 2 things, but it makes me nervous so I guess we will see if this continues.

In some weird, twisted way, I think I am partially blaming her for my dissatisfaction with how things are right now? My husband is a natural introvert, so he is thriving right now. He is doing great with how he interacts with her and is finding so many things to do with his day. I feel like I am just existing.

I suspect your H has also accepted his mom for who she is.  It's not that he doesn't care as much, it's just that he's "radically accepted" her maybe?

I do think he has made steps in this direction. Honestly, I think where I struggle here the most is that the consequences right now are not just hers to bear, but could significantly impact the lives of other people. This recklessness is driving me bonkers. I did okay with having her accept consequences when it came to her not being able to pay rent, or overspending her money, or not taking medication appropriately, but this is different and I am not sure exactly what to do with that.