Coronavirus quarantine and terrible breakup

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well... this is my first post. I’ve been dating for 6 months a man with BPD. I knew it wasn’t a “normal” relationship because everything was extremely intense and he was controlling me 24/7, but I thought it was real love. The affection, the understanding, the caring, planning future, the togetherness, the kindness.. so, right before the Coronavirus quarantine, I left my apartment (his suggestion “as there was no reason to pay rent when we slept together every night and were going to get married”). I’m waiting to get my divorce papers and my ex husband was extremely violent.. Everything was a fairytale until the Coronavirus quarantine. His parents are old and they got sick and I offered to help them. I took care of them and they were already recovering when my partner and I got sick. The first week I was ok, but in the following week my health deteriorated day by day. At the same time my partner started to avoid me. He didn’t want to sleep in the same room and was distant. I asked what was going on and he said he was depressed and afraid to die. I tried to comfort him the best as I could, but I was also very sick. Then, he just disconnected completely. Ignored me completely and in every attempt to try to talk, I was pushed abruptly away. He got better from the illness and said he needed to start working again. I was a bit better but still with symptoms and I knew I shouldn’t leave, but we were in his parents house and it was far from his office. I thought we were going back to his house (the one I was moving in with him), but the night before moving out of his parents place, he said I couldn’t go to his house because his ex was in quarantine there. I was shocked and asked for an explanation and he said she needed a place to stay during quarantine and she was in his house. I said I didn’t have a place to go and he said I should go back to my ex husband (the one he always hated and promised to protect me from as he knew all the abuses I’ve been through). Next morning, I had to pack my things (“EVERYTHING” he said) and he drove me to my ex husband house and left me there. And to complete my humiliation, he was making jokes and laughing about me and how my ex husband would start beating me again. I’m completely devastated and I just can’t understand what happened. He’s 54 and has a successful carrier. He introduced me to his parents, friends and gave me so much “love” and attention. I can’t see the light and I NEED to understand what happened.

[PantherRJ]

Well... this is my first post. I’ve been dating for 6 months a man with BPD. I knew it wasn’t a “normal” relationship because everything was extremely intense and he was controlling me 24/7, but I thought it was real love. The affection, the understanding, the caring, planning future, the togetherness, the kindness.. so, right before the Coronavirus quarantine, I left my apartment (his suggestion “as there was no reason to pay rent when we slept together every night and were going to get married”). I’m waiting to get my divorce papers and my ex husband was extremely violent.. Everything was a fairytale until the Coronavirus quarantine. His parents are old and they got sick and I offered to help them. I took care of them and they were already recovering when my partner and I got sick. The first week I was ok, but in the following week my health deteriorated day by day. At the same time my partner started to avoid me. He didn’t want to sleep in the same room and was distant. I asked what was going on and he said he was depressed and afraid to die. I tried to comfort him the best as I could, but I was also very sick. Then, he just disconnected completely. Ignored me completely and in every attempt to try to talk, I was pushed abruptly away. He got better from the illness and said he needed to start working again. I was a bit better but still with symptoms and I knew I shouldn’t leave, but we were in his parents house and it was far from his office. I thought we were going back to his house (the one I was moving in with him), but the night before moving out of his parents place, he said I couldn’t go to his house because his ex was in quarantine there. I was shocked and asked for an explanation and he said she needed a place to stay during quarantine and she was in his house. I said I didn’t have a place to go and he said I should go back to my ex husband (the one he always hated and promised to protect me from as he knew all the abuses I’ve been through). Next morning, I had to pack my things (“EVERYTHING” he said) and he drove me to my ex husband house and left me there. And to complete my humiliation, he was making jokes and laughing about me and how my ex husband would start beating me again. I’m completely devastated and I just can’t understand what happened. He’s 54 and has a successful carrier. He introduced me to his parents, friends and gave me so much “love” and attention. I can’t see the light and I NEED to understand what happened.

[once removed]

wow. what a roller coaster.

He introduced me to his parents, friends and gave me so much “love” and attention. I can’t see the light and I NEED to understand what happened.

i imagine so. youve come to the right place, and while im sorry for what has brought you here, i am glad that you found us. this place changed my life...really saved me during the breakup, and really made me stronger afterward. you will understand what happened, but please know its a process.

was your recent ex upset over, or jealous of your ex husband?

[PantherRJ]

Thank you so much for your reply. He was jealous of everything, but never jealous about my ex. He knew it was completely over. I’ve read about triangulation, charming and people going back to their ex’s. The only think I know is that he changed in 24 hours and in the following week he only gave me silence treatment or felt disgusted when I tried to hug him or talk. I guess he is back with his ex and planned it behind my back. He called me 2 days after he left me to “check on me”. He was very cold. I said I couldn’t be friend of the man I love and I asked why.  He said the fear of dead might have changed his feelings and wished me luck. I’m devastated. How can a human being discard a person they affirmed was his soulmate just like that? I wish I could understand if is because of BPD or if he’s evil?

[daze507]

Hi, hang in there and for what it's worth you're not alone.
What you have just experienced is the BPD infamous unpredictability and impulsivity as well as the susden change of feelings towards you. It's an horrible things and sometimes we nons can barely comprehend.
In the long run, you will realise you are better off. This individuals, past the love bombing phase, don't bring anything positive to your life, in fact, they literally suck the life out of you.
A good thing is that you are aware of his disorder, many of us weren't when we went through what you are currently going through.

[PantherRJ]

Thank you so much! I’ve been reading several posts and I can see that unfortunately pwBPD are all around us. It happened only 2 weeks ago and I went NC after his reply. I had other breakups in my life,  but I’ve never felt so lost and confused. The person who gave me a fairytale relationship is just a sadist without empathy.

[daze507]

Yes, I think it's important to understand that all BPD are not same, they follow the same pattern and have common traits but they don't necessarily do the same thing.
The fact the he was making fun of you while taking you to your ex husband shows something else than only BPD.
The trauma comes from the fact they take us so high and let suddenly let us drop and disappear from our lives, the dream becomes a nightmare without warning.
It's not something our brain can easily comprehend and accept, we usually think we are fully guilty of what happened, that we were not worth it and until we acknowledge that it is what it is (i.e. it's not what we thought it was) it's very hard to detach from them and the relationship we had with them.

[PantherRJ]

Thank you for taking your time and explaining me. Actually I don’t feel guilty. I played Russian roulette with my life when I decided to take care of his parents. I feel guilty for not taking  Convid19 serious enough thinking it would not affect  me. I always kept myself in top shape.(diet, intensive sports and frequent checkups). I was wrong and I’m still recovering. I’m sure my depressive state doesn’t help me. I agree when you said his sadistic behavior indicates he has more than BPD. I can identify traces of narcissism as well. And other patterns I can’t identify. During our relationship he was often repeating the same sentences without stop. Generally sentences related with my pet-name, so I thought it was his way of being sweet. He was very jealous and I always tried to accommodate and showed my love and respect for him. The only “fight” we had was in the beginning of our relationship. When we were alone, he was always biting me. I couldn’t make him stop and once I had to go out of the car. When I arrived home I had 18-20 bite marks all over my body. He apologized, said he couldn’t control himself, but never did it again. As I read recently “Is not my responsibility to repair what I didn’t break”, but still... the humiliation, being laughed at, the broken promises and the realization this person NEVER loved me are extremely hard to deal with.

[daze507]

Yes, it will take time, the healing process is quite long and made of many ups and downs but you will manage, like all of us.

[TheWire]

As I read recently “Is not my responsibility to repair what I didn’t break”, but still... the humiliation, being laughed at, the broken promises and the realization this person NEVER loved me are extremely hard to deal with.

I don't have a lot to offer except to say you deserve so much better. You sound like a very giving person who unfortunately was taken advantage of. I am sure in the future you will find someone who appreciates your caring and selfless nature sincerely.

[PantherRJ]

Thank you so much! Sometimes I feel a bit better and then everything falls apart again. I’m not perfect and I messed up uncountable times, but always respected others feelings. I’m happy I found this place. The first 2 weeks while searching for an explanation, I found different places and YouTube channels, but mostly made with so much hate and bitterness. I just want to forget and being able to be happy again.

[once removed]

Sometimes I feel a bit better and then everything falls apart again.

i remember experiencing that myself. recovery can be a rocky road. its good to have a strong support system.