she will suffer and she is suffering about all the bad things she's done

[stressftw]

Want to make a update about my mental state, im feeling a little bit better today
Yesterday i realized that she's still deleting/blocking me from every single social media/game/anything that has my name on it. I had her in this "game" social media that i wasnt even playing anymore, i went to play yesterday, saw her name on the list offline, when i got to play today i saw that her name vanished from the list.
Its funny because since the breakup i didnt even tried to stablish contact, it was the opposite. Sounds like someone that cant even deal with seeing my name anymore, she probably get a shame overflow and seeing my name reminds her how sht of a person she is bringing back all the memories of all the bad/unfair/abusive things she has done with me, isnot even about me, is about she remembering how terrible and destructive she is.
Now shes probably trying to convince herself that shes not that bad of a person and she can make it right and "clean" with her rebound without PLEASE READing up everything, real definition of insanity.
I feel bad for this person, and i believe in karma, she will suffer and she is suffering about all the bad things she's done. Hope this can teach her to seek help and be a better person afterall.

[once removed]

it hurts to be blocked, stressftw.

do you think youre grieving the loss?

[once removed]

how is it going?

[stressftw]

how is it going?

Hello, Once.
Today im feeling truly devastated. IDK i was feeling ok this past month, but lately im feeling devastated. Not only about her, but because im feeling stuck, i have literally no self esteem at this moment, im highly depressed, and im often thinking about her.
She vanished. Its been 1 month and a half since we last spoke. Im curious about how shes doing, despite everything she has done with me, i still care for this living being.
And what hurts me most is that she doesnt care at all. Shes probably fine without me and with her replacement, and shes probably isnt even thinking about me anymore.
Im really sad, crying while typing, this is a moment that i really dont want to be alive at all. I just want everything to end. Im not going to kill myself or anything, but thats how i feel.
I feel i cant move, im not able to focus on myself and studies because im literally in a state of depression that is overwhelming. I often think about how much i trusted this person, how much i loved her, and sudden it became a nightmare. I think about her contacting me again one day and things like that, and i know it doesnt matter. Its been rough and i dont wish this kind of feeling to anyone.

[once removed]

a month and a half really isnt a very long time, stressftw.

you are grieving the loss, and i remember how hard that is. at a month and a half, i was crying every day. i was in desperate, dire straights, my thoughts never left her, and all i did was talk the head off of anyone who would listen.

so know, in your despair, two things: this is part of the process. there isnt a way around it, but through it. and second, you really do get through it. it really does get better.

And what hurts me most is that she doesnt care at all. Shes probably fine without me and with her replacement, and shes probably isnt even thinking about me anymore.

i can imagine why this would be taking a toll on your self esteem 

two things that may help:

1. part of you may feel like if thats the case, then you shouldnt care about her, and you may be putting pressure on yourself to move on faster than youre prepared to; thats what i was doing, at least. please know that this isnt a contest. even if everything you said were true, the healthy thing is to acknowledge and grieve our loss. it may feel like she got off easy, and skipped off into the sunset, while youre feeling awful, but, and as hard as it may be, by going through it, youre being true to yourself, and i promise you that that will pay off in time.

2. you dont really know whats going on with her, so why tell yourself the thing that makes you feel worst? i did the same thing. it looked that way. eventually, i learned, my ex was having a harder time than i thought. im not telling you that your ex is suffering, i dont know, but it wont help to tell yourself she never thinks of you if you dont know that either, right?

it sounds like a long, hard night, stressftw. i remember them. we are here. cry as you need to, we are listening.

[stressftw]

a month and a half really isnt a very long time, stressftw.

you are grieving the loss, and i remember how hard that is. at a month and a half, i was crying every day. i was in desperate, dire straights, my thoughts never left her, and all i did was talk the head off of anyone who would listen.

so know, in your despair, two things: this is part of the process. there isnt a way around it, but through it. and second, you really do get through it. it really does get better.

i can imagine why this would be taking a toll on your self esteem  

two things that may help:

1. part of you may feel like if thats the case, then you shouldnt care about her, and you may be putting pressure on yourself to move on faster than youre prepared to; thats what i was doing, at least. please know that this isnt a contest. even if everything you said were true, the healthy thing is to acknowledge and grieve our loss. it may feel like she got off easy, and skipped off into the sunset, while youre feeling awful, but, and as hard as it may be, by going through it, youre being true to yourself, and i promise you that that will pay off in time.

2. you dont really know whats going on with her, so why tell yourself the thing that makes you feel worst? i did the same thing. it looked that way. eventually, i learned, my ex was having a harder time than i thought. im not telling you that your ex is suffering, i dont know, but it wont help to tell yourself she never thinks of you if you dont know that either, right?

it sounds like a long, hard night, stressftw. i remember them. we are here. cry as you need to, we are listening.

Your words brings alot of comfort. Thank you. I dont feel that i can talk to anyone about this except my T and here, nobody understands how paradoxal i am feeling right now.

I worry about her. Even if a lose my "love" feelings for her, i feel like im dealing with a wounded animal. I took care of this wounded animal, and loved it deeply, but out of the blue, this wounded animal decided to attack me and see's me as an enemy. Now i cant see if its okay because this animal run away. I know that this animal cant love me back and dont think about me the same way, but i still worry about it and wanted to know if its all ok wherever she is.
She doesnt have family. Her mother and grandmother are truly covid19 risky group since they are old and have underlying healthy conditions. Shes only has them both to look for her.  I hope she's doing well.

[erick1991]

Your words brings alot of comfort. Thank you. I dont feel that i can talk to anyone about this except my T and here, nobody understands how paradoxal i am feeling right now.

I worry about her. Even if a lose my "love" feelings for her, i feel like im dealing with a wounded animal. I took care of this wounded animal, and loved it deeply, but out of the blue, this wounded animal decided to attack me and see's me as an enemy. Now i cant see if its okay because this animal run away. I know that this animal cant love me back and dont think about me the same way, but i still worry about it and wanted to know if its all ok wherever she is.
She doesnt have family. Her mother and grandmother are truly covid19 risky group since they are old and have underlying healthy conditions. Shes only has them both to look for her.  I hope she's doing well.

I can really relate with that and am at that strange place myself, similar time frames. Ex blew up a 9 year relationship out of the blue, caught her communicating w other guys inappropriately (already with him -  her starting that relationship seemingly overlapped with ending ours) and she confessed to cheating years ago and then spent well over a month in a full blown, altered mind frame self sabotaging our relationship.

I feel very stuck myself, I’m talking to a therapist 2x a week, but that’s only 2 hours a week. The rest of the time, especially lately, I find myself so emotionally all over the place. It’s on my mind almost every waking moment, I absolutely hate it.

I’m grieving the loss of what I thought I had. I’m grieving the abruptness of it. I literally feel like she died, because the person I thought i knew is just gone and everything changed overnight. I find myself overwhelmingly angry at her at times, for seemingly trying to flip this back on me and pushing me completely away instead of trying to fix what she always told me was forever. I find myself sad for her, this girl that I loved unconditionally for my entire adult life  just hates herself so much and feels so badly about herself.

I don’t know that I’m much further along than you so I can’t provide much advice other than I don’t look at her social media. I can’t. I don’t look at any pictures of us, it moves me backwards. I have a couple of her things from moving out that she left behind and it just makes me so sad seeing them but I can’t bring myself to throw away the final things I have left of her. I just think of her as this innocent, beautiful girl scared of the world who just hates herself and it makes me so sad I’m not there to protect her anymore.

[stressftw]

I can really relate with that and am at that strange place myself, similar time frames. Ex blew up a 9 year relationship out of the blue, caught her communicating w other guys inappropriately (already with him -  her starting that relationship seemingly overlapped with ending ours) and she confessed to cheating years ago and then spent well over a month in a full blown, altered mind frame self sabotaging our relationship.

I feel very stuck myself, I’m talking to a therapist 2x a week, but that’s only 2 hours a week. The rest of the time, especially lately, I find myself so emotionally all over the place. It’s on my mind almost every waking moment, I absolutely hate it.

I’m grieving the loss of what I thought I had. I’m grieving the abruptness of it. I literally feel like she died, because the person I thought i knew is just gone and everything changed overnight. I find myself overwhelmingly angry at her at times, for seemingly trying to flip this back on me and pushing me completely away instead of trying to fix what she always told me was forever. I find myself sad for her, this girl that I loved unconditionally for my entire adult life  just hates herself so much and feels so badly about herself.

I don’t know that I’m much further along than you so I can’t provide much advice other than I don’t look at her social media. I can’t. I don’t look at any pictures of us, it moves me backwards. I have a couple of her things from moving out that she left behind and it just makes me so sad seeing them but I can’t bring myself to throw away the final things I have left of her. I just think of her as this innocent, beautiful girl scared of the world who just hates herself and it makes me so sad I’m not there to protect her anymore.

Im so sorry you have been through this pain.
I can relate the cheating also.
U have to put in your mind that, despite she is dysfunctional, she know what shes doing. They lack empathy thats why they let their feelings drag them.

Mine was very cold, my T think she is a psychopath with some perverse traits. IDK. I feel bad that i got into that, the emotional destruction im been through right know is out of anything i have ever experienced in my life
I have never felt so bad about myself in all aspects. My self esteem is totally destroyed.
I just wake up wanting everything to end.
Im highly depressed. And i just want my life to end 24/7
I really dont know what is going to happen in years to come, i really dont know. But i just want to vanish from this world.
The pain is excruciating, i cant see myself doing anything anymore Im just totally destroyed

[stressftw]

Today i woke up with my mom saying that my ex unblocked her on Whatsapp and her profile photo she was right behind a portrait that i gave to her and helped her putting on

she unblocked me also, but shes remain blocked for me

I dont know if it does mean something. IDK if she start devaluate process of her new rebound, idk. But whatever was her intention, she managed to affect me. I wouldnt noticed it because i deleted everything from her. But my mother noticed because she saw her photo on whatsapp and told me.

She didnt contacted me also, i dont know if shes expecting somekind of reaction, but i will remain NC no matter what

[johnblaze504]

It's hard man. I broke up with mine 3 months ago. She ended up with her replacement within 2 - 3 weeks as well. Completely destroyed me. I remember drinking every single day my body in complete shock couldn't even stand straight without shaking. Also with covid I lost my job making good money. Couldn't even sleep in my own bed for weeks and I had this burning sensation in the back of my head. Luckily I endured by no contact I knew I had to cut off all contact and now my lifes been easier, I still think about her a lot but life gets easier everyday. Hang in there brother. I seriously had no idea either about BPD so being here in this board listening to your guys stories I feel ya.

[once removed]

I dont know if it does mean something.

when you block someone, youre building a wall between you and someone else. a hard wall.

when you unblock someone, it mostly just means you dont need the wall anymore.

she blocked you in a fit...she unblocked you when she calmed down. she doesnt need that wall anymore.

when i was going through it, my ex and i didnt block each other, but i continued to check her social media, and it didnt take much at all to send me into a tailspin.

if you have her blocked, its presumably a wall you are putting up in order to detach. would it help to ask your mom not to tell you whats going on?

[stressftw]

when you block someone, youre building a wall between you and someone else. a hard wall.

when you unblock someone, it mostly just means you dont need the wall anymore.

she blocked you in a fit...she unblocked you when she calmed down. she doesnt need that wall anymore.

when i was going through it, my ex and i didnt block each other, but i continued to check her social media, and it didnt take much at all to send me into a tailspin.

if you have her blocked, its presumably a wall you are putting up in order to detach. would it help to ask your mom not to tell you whats going on?

I said to her to not tell anything about her anymore.
Im still blocked in her social medias, she just unblocked me on whatsapp(and my mom)
The funny fact is that her photo is literally beside the portrait i gave to her. IDK it feels like she's trying to draw some attention of me unblocking her on whatsapp just to see if im still checking on her.
It doesnt matter anyway. I shouldnt be thinking about it but it got me trigged

[once removed]

It doesnt matter anyway. I shouldnt be thinking about it but it got me trigged

like i said man, there arent really "shoulds or shouldnts" here. how you feel is how you feel and it isnt right or wrong. youre going through enough. you dont have to tell yourself that youre weak for feeling hurt, and for grieving your relationship. it takes a strong man to say "this hurts. now what?".

[stressftw]

like i said man, there arent really "shoulds or shouldnts" here. how you feel is how you feel and it isnt right or wrong. youre going through enough. you dont have to tell yourself that youre weak for feeling hurt, and for grieving your relationship. it takes a strong man to say "this hurts. now what?".

3 months since we broke up, 2 months since we last spoke. Still feling very bad, i dream about her almost everyday. Still grieving very bad.

[once removed]

now might be a good time to start a new thread, update us, and talk about whats on your mind.

[stressftw]

now might be a good time to start a new thread, update us, and talk about whats on your mind.

Hi Once. Im doing a little better regarding the last time i was here. I still think about her everyday, but not suffering like i was before. She keeps block/unblocking me on Whatsapp and i have no idea why she's acting this way. Its about 3 months on no contact, and for the record, she's blocked on my whatsapp. I just know shes blocking/unblocking me, because the photo of the person that blocks you simply disappear when you are blocked. Im trying to keep myself strong.

[once removed]

its hard to say.

ive unfollowed a lot of people on social media...i never block.

sometimes ive done it because they were an ex, and seeing what theyre up to upsets or hurts me. sometimes its just because they post too much or they post about things i dont want to see.

with a lot of them, i may go back and forth between following and unfollowing them.

if i had to guess, your ex is probably going through similar. she unblocks you as sort of a test for herself, or possibly to look at your social media, and then blocks again.

it suggests the ice has yet to thaw.

glad to hear youre doing better. how are you keeping yourself strong? 

[bowedbirdie]

Its about 3 months on no contact, and for the record, she's blocked on my whatsapp. I just know shes blocking/unblocking me, because the photo of the person that blocks you simply disappear when you are blocked. Im trying to keep myself strong.

|'m so sorry that you're hurting so much. I've never been in an official relationship with a PwBPD, but I did have a thing with my friend who has been diagnosed with it. I decided it would be best to just stay friends because he would want to be with me one day and then reject me the next. And he would keep telling my that he still loves his ex and that he could never love anyone else like that. And being told all of their past intimate details - that PLEASE READ hurt me a lot.

Now I believe that everyone is multi-faceted, and when he's not having one of his episodes, he's a great person and I love him dearly as a friend. Unfortunately, I told his sister (who is aware and supportive with his disorder) that he was at risk of harming himself because he started to really withdraw and say really dark things. I couldn't get a hold of him and he just moved so I've never been to his new place. He got really mad at me for doing that so I am still blocked on all social media. I have been in NC for almost a month except for that one time he called me and hung up right away.

I am in so much pain from this that I have been experiencing chest pains. And I can't even imagine what you're going through given that this is someone you had an actual romantic relationship with and loved deeply. Stay strong man.