Really Struggling and I Don’t Know What To Do Anymore

[paperinkart]

Hey guys,

I don’t even know how to begin to unpack this but I want to while it’s still fresh in my mind. Forgive me if this is long, but my brain is still swimming...

Honestly I haven’t been on here for a few weeks because things have been going SO well. Almost so well that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. We hadn’t fought in weeks (amazing!) and had so many fun adventures. We were communicating so well and just had the best three days of our relationship a few days ago.

While he was away working out of town for the end of last year and beginning of this year (7 months total), we had decided to try opening up our relationship. I have really been trying hard to work on my trust and jealousy issues, and we both wanted each other to have the freedom and space to do whatever the other pleased. Non-monogomy is something I really believe in when I think about it logically, but I really have been struggling with my emotions and reactions from it. When he returned home, I told him our deal still stood but I preferred not to know any details and that we’d have to work harder at making each other feel safer and secure in the relationship.

Today, my anxiety and jealousy got the best of me and I asked and asked until he finally told me he’s been talking to a girl for a few days and asked her to hang out but she rejected him and said no.

I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that I freaked out. I know a lot of this has nothing to do with BPD but bear with me- I’m getting there. I’d also like to say that we are brand new to trying to navigate an open relationship and are doing a terrible job haha. But it’s something i want to be okay with and want to feel comfortable with, for both of us.

Anyway, my freak out led to many hours of tough conversations.  I admitted that it wasn’t fair for me to say I was okay with something and then get angry and jealous when it happened, and he started worrying about the future and what if one of us fell in love with someone else and then what do we do? I honestly didn’t have an answer for that because it’s something neither of us can predict and it’s a risk we have to be okay with. But I will say that I desperately wanted some comfort that I wasn’t just a placeholder while he looked for someone better and I really wasn’t getting much soothing from him.

Our conversation just kept going in circles. I was trying to tell him that I wanted to work on these difficult emotions (like jealously and security) as a team. Navigate these things together instead of letting it tear us apart every time. Of course, the conversation ended up at the “should we even stay together/we always come to this/we could just be friends”. He was pushing and pushing and pushing me away so hard, and then as soon as I would say “okay, that’s it. I think I’m done”, he’d pull me back in and we’d go in the circle again.

The conversation was honestly exhausting for both of us. At one point, I asked him if he loved me and he blurted out “no”. That was extremely painful as he’d been saying it again lately and referring to me as his girlfriend again. He realized what he said and we talked about it for awhile. I told him love wasn’t a feeling that always just there, buzzing in the background. It comes and goes. It’s easy to love someone when things are happy and good and almost impossible to feel loving feelings when things are hard. Then I asked him if he’d loved me three days ago when things were wonderful with us and he said “yes, of course”. A bit later, he took my face in his hands and looked me in the eye and said “of course I love you”.

THEN the circle continues. I was still trying to get him to see that our relationship can work if we can tackle these issues as a team, and he kept going back to the idea of us just being friends. And then he proposed that all our problems could be solved if we just stopped sleeping together. He said he’d been thinking about that for a couple of days.

I was/am so confused. Honestly, I cant even explain to you how good our relationship has been. It’s the closest we’ve felt in a long time and he was on the same page as me about everything. We made summer plans, we were connected, we were in love...and at the first sign of conflict, he wants to cut everything off and just be “best friends”.

I found out that he’s been feeling lonely and depressed for a few days and it was really getting to him. I can see when BPD is about to flare up from miles away and I had a gut feeling that something was off, just in the last few days (right after all the wonderfulness) but he kept telling me it was all fine. Usually he tells me when he’s feeling badly but didn’t, so I couldn’t see this coming at all.

Anyway, to make a long story a little bit shorter, I finally left his house because we really just kept getting more and more sad. He kept saying things that gave me a lot of hope in one sentence, and then saying other things that just made me feel like I was in this by myself. It was all over the place. He kept pushing me to go and then as soon as I finally got my shoes on, he started fighting for me.

So I left eventually and then we chatted on the phone just now. I’ll leave most of the conversation out of it but this is when I learned that he’d been feeling really sad and down for a few days. We talked a lot about the importance of learning to process big emotions (for both me and him. I have lots of learning to do too!). I asked him if he thought our conflict today even had anything to do with our relationship and he said “no, it’s a me problem”.

This isn’t anything we haven’t been through before but it’s been months since our last conversation like this. And the pattern is always the same: he gets overwhelmed by something (either feelings about us or something unrelated), and eventually just concludes that he needs to be alone for a variety of reasons. Then after a few days or weeks of him being alone, he realizes that it never fixes anything and just feels worse.

I’m well aware of this cycle and I know a lot of this doesn’t have to do with us but today’s conflict just feels soo painful. I don’t want to keep fighting for something that’s not there. And the thing is, I know it’s there! I literally just experienced it. But things get difficult and we don’t know how to communicate through tough issues so everything just gets shut down.

Plus hearing someone say they don’t love you is like a knife to the heart- whether it’s from BPD or not. My ego is pretty bruised. I just feel vulnerable and replaceable. He would ALWAYS tell me that he’s never known anyone like me and that no one could even come close to our connection, but today I really felt like I’m just a stop along the way while he searches for someone better. My theory is that he felt the exciting rush of newness and possibility with this other girl, and it made him doubt us. But I don’t know...

Anyway, I guess the silver lining is that during our phone conversation he said how he wants so badly to be a “better and happier” person, and that he is dedicated to working on himself and (for the first time) said he thinks he needs professional help.

I don’t know where him and I stand at this point. I said I’d give him his space which is all I can do. I’m trying to take space too and figure out if I can keep doing this. I want us to figure it out. We’ve made great strides in the last few years but days like today really remind me of how much work still needs to be done. I just can’t keep being the only one fighting for it.

I know this is insanely long so thanks so much for reading.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

lot of moving parts here.

first things first:

Honestly I haven’t been on here for a few weeks because things have been going SO well.

i would tend to recommend against this. often, thats the best time to be posting. as a lame analogy, you dont take the batteries out of your smoke detector because there hasnt been a fire in a while.

I’d also like to say that we are brand new to trying to navigate an open relationship and are doing a terrible job haha. But it’s something i want to be okay with and want to feel comfortable with, for both of us

wanting to be okay and comfortable with something is not the same thing as "i am okay and comfortable with this and its consistent with my values".

my ex and i spoke hypothetically about this once. i threw out the idea of either of us going to the movies, alone, with the opposite sex. she suggested shed be okay with it, she had to be, either of us had to be. her and i both knew, sitting there, how either of us would react to that actually happening, and for obvious reasons.

i hear you say its something you believe in, but i wonder where, who, and why the idea came from.

what were the negotiations?

Anyway, my freak out led to many hours of tough conversations.

a freak out is not the best time for tough conversations.

I desperately wanted some comfort that I wasn’t just a placeholder

this is a keen observation, but there might have been a better time, and way, to make the point.

men (any man) dont know what to do in these circumstances. we will say the wrong things. we will say what our partner wants to hear. we will leave the conversation not having understood the underlying point, wondering what just happened, and where exactly to go with it.

Our conversation just kept going in circles.

you were looking for reassurance (you have suggested you need high doses of this), but he felt cornered and attacked, and the two of you were talking at each other.

I just feel vulnerable and replaceable.

paperinkart, i have to ask, then why open yourself up to an open relationship?

thats not a judgmental question, its a literal one: what about an open relationship is going to give you reassurance?

[paperinkart]

lot of moving parts here.

first things first:

i would tend to recommend against this. often, thats the best time to be posting. as a lame analogy, you dont take the batteries out of your smoke detector because there hasnt been a fire in a while.

wanting to be okay and comfortable with something is not the same thing as "i am okay and comfortable with this and its consistent with my values".

my ex and i spoke hypothetically about this once. i threw out the idea of either of us going to the movies, alone, with the opposite sex. she suggested shed be okay with it, she had to be, either of us had to be. her and i both knew, sitting there, how either of us would react to that actually happening, and for obvious reasons.

i hear you say its something you believe in, but i wonder where, who, and why the idea came from.

what were the negotiations?

a freak out is not the best time for tough conversations.

this is a keen observation, but there might have been a better time, and way, to make the point.

men (any man) dont know what to do in these circumstances. we will say the wrong things. we will say what our partner wants to hear. we will leave the conversation not having understood the underlying point, wondering what just happened, and where exactly to go with it.

you were looking for reassurance (you have suggested you need high doses of this), but he felt cornered and attacked, and the two of you were talking at each other.

paperinkart, i have to ask, then why open yourself up to an open relationship?

thats not a judgmental question, its a literal one: what about an open relationship is going to give you reassurance?

Thanks for your thoughtful reply! Yes, lots of moving parts and lots of emotions, even as I was writing it all out.

Things have definitely calmed down since then. We ended up having a wonderful discussion the next day where we were both open and vulnerable. We were actually able to communicate instead of talking at each other and not getting anywhere.

To answer some of your questions, the open relationship was my idea. I have two main reasons and I’ll admit, I know one of them isn’t great but in the interest of honesty (both to myself and this forum), I’ll just say it...

I’ve been hurt by some form of cheating or betrayal in every relationship I’ve ever had, including this one. While my current partner has never been intimate or psychically involved with anyone else while we’ve been together, he’s definitely “crossed the line” in the past and it’s hurt. On the same side, I can also honesty say I’m not very good at monogamy. Even though I react with extreme jealousy and possessiveness when it happens to me, I’m also attracted to the idea of having freedom and adventure within the relationship.

We’ve both had some “fun” with the openness- me more than him. Which is why I know this makes me very hypocritical and like I said, it’s something I am really working on. I know this sounds bad, but people are often going to do what they want no matter what the rules are, and I’d rather do it with structure and mutual respect than feel betrayed and victimized.

The other reason is long and complicated but basically I just never questioned the idea of monogamy growing up. I didn’t even know there were other options until I did more research. The more research I did, the more I was attracted to this idea. When he went away to another province for work late last year, I thought it would be a good time to try it out. That way, neither of us had to worry about what the other person was doing. And as far as I know,  nothing happened on his end but it did ease some of my anxiety. The problem is that he just moved back home and now we are figuring out this transition, and the situation a few days ago was just really hard to face.

Sorry for the long-winded answer but it’s a complicated reasoning. To answer your last question, you wondered why open up the relationship when I feel the need for so much reassurance? And my answer is that I need to learn to be okay without the reassurance. Being monogamous doesn’t give me any more security that he won’t fall in love with someone else than being open does. But hopefully we can sort it out and open up the lines of communication along the way.

Anyway, I’ve talked for way too long already so I won’t go into as much detail but yes, I do agree that he was probably feeling cornered and attacked and couldn’t find the right words to say. Our conversation the next day made it much more clear that he’s not searching for a replacement girlfriend- he just wants more friendships in his life to cultivate a sense of belonging. We are each other’s best friends, lovers, emotional supports, etc etc. And we finally realized that it’s too much pressure to try and be all of those things for one person.

Thanks again for a thoughtful reply!

[juju2]

Hi paper

I read your posts.

I think you may be struggling w ideas vs. reality.  or I think you may be.  if you are pursuing the idea of an open r/s vs. the reality..
It's like you have a sports car that will go 200mph, yes and the speed limit is 75mph.  how do those two facts co exist.
1. go into racing, take your race car, go 200mph. go into the race car world. (open relationship)
2. drive your sports car 75mph. (monogamy)
you can only drive one car.  I do see what you are saying though.
why can't you drive 2 cars.
in reality, unless you are a millionaire, it's not realistic.  you will spend all your time on logistics.
and I think that applies to relationships, because human beings do not have an ignition. we are living and breathing.

the above is just my thoughts, take what you like and leave the rest.