Chasing an invisible goal post

[Choosinghope]

Hi everyone! It's hard to believe how quickly time is passing. COVID has certainly thrown life upside for a lot of people, me included. I have spent most of the quarantine done home renovation work, and it honestly has been a wonderful way to feel productive and refocus on my health and happiness. So that's the good part of the pandemic.

I think because of the uncertainty, the NC with my mom, and the reasons for choosing that initially, have started to seem a little silly. Honestly, with the world falling apart, maybe I should be trying a little harder to cling to my family. I am sure many of you can relate to that feeling; unfortunately, it has not ended well. A few weeks back, I sent my mom a text saying, "I have been thinking about you and praying for you. I know things are a little scary right now, but I hope you're doing well. I love you." She didn't respond, but I didn't take that as a bad thing. My dad has been telling me for about two months now that "she's better," and that she really just wants to talk to me. I told them on Easter that I would be willing to video chat with them both TOGETHER, but my mom refused. She said that she would only talk to me individually, if I call her. This did not sit well with me or my H, but because of my dad's constant assurances that she's better and that she is anxious for me to call, I decided to just try calling. My H helped me prep and talk through everything before I called, and I felt prepared for any attack or harassment she might bring.

Yesterday, I called her, left a message, and then she called back about 10 hours later. When I answered the phone, she was icy and responded with short monosyllables. There was a lot of awkward silence; she clearly was not eager to talk to me. I told her that dad had said that she had some concerns and things that she wanted to talk to me about. Again, nothing. Finally, she decided to open up. The rest of the call I just listened and clarified (and I am proud of myself for not JADEing!). All along with this decision to go NC, I have been wrestling with how much it has been hurting her and feeling the urge to go back to contact to be kind and loving. I had considered all the attacks, all the accusations, all the reactions. But the one that I didn't consider was what she said during the call. She said that she's been praying two hours a day for six months (about me), journaling, and seeking advice from her friends. What she has decided is that she would be better off investing her time into people who actually care about her and letting me go from her life. She has realized that she can live without me, and she is prepared to do that. I have (apparently) made it clear that I am done with my parents, and so she has decided to be done with me. There were other things that were, of course, infuriating and hurtful, with absolutely no hint that she might have hurt me or done something. The gist of her reasoning (I think) is that she doesn't trust me, I'm deceitful (this was an extrapolation), I am manipulative, she can't love me the way that I demand to be loved, and that I am not allowing her to be a mom. I politely listened, told her that I needed time to think before responding, and told her that I would contact her again sometime soon. That was it.

Some realizations smacked me in the face yesterday. First, nothing that I say or do at this point will change anything. She is so firmly entrenched in her beliefs, and is unable to explain any of them, despite me asking her to clarify and give examples. She can very fervently tell me what I meant and was thinking when I said or wrote something, and literally nothing I say will convince her that she can't actually know what anyone else is thinking or feeling. Second, I am so incredibly tired of this. I have been angry, hurt, sad, regretful, and in denial. Now, all I feel is a deep sense of defeat and tiredness. I feel like I have no fight left in me. That then made me realize that all along, I have been thinking of this like I can still win, like if I just learn enough and am careful enough, I can still have a loving relationship. Here is the truth though: I can't fix anything. I can't control anything. I was foolish and arrogant to think that I could. The third realization came from something my H said. He was telling me not to beat myself up for not being able to please her when her goalpost is constantly moving. That analogy would be perfect, except right then I realized that her goalposts aren't even visible! If they were moving, that would mean that they are clear to the outside world; maybe difficult to reach, but at least able to be understood. Hers are, plain and simple, invisible. Despite all of her letters, messages, and conversations, I still have zero idea what she wants from me, what she expects from me, what I have even done to be such a terrible daughter, and how I could even change now to make her happy (if I were willing to). That was such a big a-ha moment for me. I really need to STOP trying to reason through things she says, trying to understand them, and then finding the magic words to make everything better. I will never meet her ideals because they only exist in her mind. That is honestly such relief to understand.

Now though, I am a little stuck on how to respond. I talked to my dad after talking to her, and I basically told him that I am done trying. She obviously does not actually want to try to rebuild communication with me. He played the middle, as usual, and told me that she really does love me and and wants a relationship, but doesn't know how to communicate that. She's still hurt and afraid and is just protecting herself from more hurt. Ok, I get that. I really don't actually want to give up because I do care about her and want contact. But seriously, where the heck does that leave me?

Here are the two ways that I've settled on to move forward. The first is telling her that there isn't enough mutual trust or respect for each other right now for us to have a relationship. She is content with the other people in her life, she has learned to let me go, and so I will let her go. Tell her that I wish her the best and that I am available if they need something or she reconsiders.

The second is a bit messier but I am leaning towards it. Writing a completely honest letter. I have been trying to skirt issues and not make things worse up till now, but at this point, I don't really see how they could be much worse. I want to tell her how devastating her actions have been  to me, but how I have learned to be my own person and find my own happiness apart from her. How I do care about her and truly would like to see us having some sort of relationship. How I do not understand where she is coming from. That I am not ashamed of who I am or what I have done, and that I do not intend to change for her. That we do not trust each other or understand each other right now, leaving no way of moving forward. That although I would love to see us be able to have a loving relationship, I don't see that being in my power right now and I have decided to stop fixing what is broken. The key to this letter is laying everything out on the table, in writing, and then telling her that if she sees a way forward, to please let me know. This puts the ball in her court to move forward, and it takes the responsibility to "fix" the relationship out of my hands. She holds all the power here, because she is the one with expectations that I can't understand or meet.

Alright, thank you to everyone who has made it this far! I would love any help or insight into the situation and my possible responses. I am sure that I am probably missing the obvious, which is I why I wanted to reach out to people who are much wiser in this area. Thanks everyone!

[JNChell]

Exactly. Where the heck does this leave you? Has this type of thing been a pattern between the two/three of you? Taking a break, dad stepping in, you reaching out and receiving abuse from your mom? If so, this is a very common dynamic with many of the members here.

It might not hurt to consider setting some boundaries with your dad as well. He doesn’t outright abuse you from what I’ve read, but it sounds like your mom uses him to triangulate. Basically, it sounds like she has a habit of using him to get to you. Not okay!

I’ve only skimmed the surface of your post, but does this sound about right?

[Methuen]

Choosinghope, I found your post hopeful in some ways.  There is light at the end of the tunnel now.

I have been thinking of this like I can still win, like if I just learn enough and am careful enough, I can still have a loving relationship. Here is the truth though: I can't fix anything. I can't control anything...  I will never meet her ideals because they only exist in her mind. That is honestly such relief to understand.

Yes to this!  My eureka moment like this came about 6 months ago.  It has made such a difference for me!  This is one of your comments that I found hopeful because I think it shows acceptance of your mom as she is, and your ability to move forward!

Could there be a third option: "to do nothing"?  Doing nothing is actually doing something, because it gives her all the time she needs to sit with the problem and maybe come up with a solution eventually on her own.  That's a best case scenario.  The worst case scenario is that nothing changes from what it's been.  However, if you do either option one (talk to her which isn't likely to end well) or option two (write a letter which you already feel could be messy), she is likely to just absorb either of those into her BPD distorted thinking, and the risk is that the conflict just escalates even more.

The key to this letter is laying everything out on the table, in writing, and then telling her that if she sees a way forward, to please let me know.

While this might make you feel better, and, it could be seen as a logical way of solving a problem with a "non", I can't see it being helpful with a pwBPD.  I think it could just feed the drama (it would if it was my mom).  I think it could boomerang back at you.  Just my thoughts.  Others may have a different experience.

What she has decided is that she would be better off investing her time into people who actually care about her and letting me go from her life. She has realized that she can live without me, and she is prepared to do that. I have (apparently) made it clear that I am done with my parents, and so she has decided to be done with me.

Oh boy, does this ever sound like BPD.  Others here can explain it way better, but this sounds like her emotional fear of being "abandoned" (BPD) is so strong, that she is going to defend her fragile sense of self from being hurt, by retaliating and "being done with you". Once I understood the distorted thinking and feeling of a BPD at their core, I started to be able to not take this kind of stuff so personally.  We feel like they "hate" us, but maybe they don't.  They just have a really messed up way of thinking to protect themselves, and it often drives their intimate partners and closest relationships away from them.  My mom grew up in a dangerous FOO with high conflict, so that's her normal.  She needs a certain amount of conflict and drama or she's outside of her comfort zone.  That's how several T's have explained it to me.  I'm not sure if any of that fits in any way in your situation with your mom.

She has realized that she can live without me, and she is prepared to do that. I have (apparently) made it clear that I am done with my parents, and so she has decided to be done with me.

I have been through this kind of craziness with my mom many times over the years.  All I can say is that for me, it has always passed (but I am an only child, and she is old and fragile and "needs" me too much so she can never go for too long without needing some kind of support).  You have reached out to her and told her you love her.  That is perfect.  I think that if it was me, I would just let her sit with that for a long time.  The last time I went through this kind of treatment from my mom, I eventually invited her out for a coffee in a public place (after we each had a cooling off period, and I felt safe enough emotionally to take this step).  Mom accepted, got herself all "dolled" up, and we had coffee in a safe public environment.  Generally speaking, my mom's coping mechanism is then to act and pretend as if nothing ever happened.  Eventually the whole cycle repeats itself.  What I have learned, is that I have to let my mom solve her own emotional problems (self soothe).  It's really hard to do and follow through; I'm still working on it, but doing a lot better.
Another thing that I found so hopeful about your post was this:
 

Finally, she decided to open up. The rest of the call I just listened and clarified (and I am proud of myself for not JADEing!).

Oh good for you Choosinghope!  So hard right? But you did it!
 

[Choosinghope]

Methuen, thanks as always for your insight and encouragement.

Could there be a third option: "to do nothing"?  Doing nothing is actually doing something, because it gives her all the time she needs to sit with the problem and maybe come up with a solution eventually on her own.  That's a best case scenario.  The worst case scenario is that nothing changes from what it's been.  However, if you do either option one (talk to her which isn't likely to end well) or option two (write a letter which you already feel could be messy), she is likely to just absorb either of those into her BPD distorted thinking, and the risk is that the conflict just escalates even more.

You are so right here. I sat with your suggestions for a week, talked to my T, and talked to my H about everything. Everyone has basically said the same thing. My T talked through with me a good approach for me personally, regardless of how my mom takes it. All along, she has encouraged me to be loving and consistent in all of my interactions with my mom. I can't control how she reacts or interprets something, but I can do what I believe to be right and fair. I have been struggling with what it means to be consistent with such an inconsistent person, but I have gotten some good clarity on that. My mom sent some rather nasty messages to me last night and today in response to me wishing her a happy mother's day. I have now descended to the realm of despicable and she wishes that I had never been born. Well, so be it. Something that I can do to be consistent and loving is to not respond to her attacks. I can continue to send cards on holidays, not speak ill of her to mutual acquaintances, and continue to pray for her and wish her well. But I don't need to be a part of her game anymore and support that narrative that she's creating in her mind. If she reaches out to me in a rational, non-attacking way, then I will speak kindly and offer what kind of relationship that I am willing to have. For now though, you are right. I need to do nothing. Anything that I say or do will add fuel to the fire. And honestly, it's just not worth it.

The other part of this that I now understand a lot better is how I am still very much part of the drama triangle. I read all about it a few months back and even talked about it with my T. However, it didn't even occur to me that I was still  very much stuck in the triangle. My dad is solely in the role of rescuer, and my mom and I keep taking turns switching back and forth between the victim and persecutor. I don't know how I didn't see that before, but it is crystal clear to me now. I intend on taking myself out of the triangle by asking my dad to respect my choices with my mom and accept that I would love to have a relationship with him regardless of whether or not my mom and I ever talk again. It is not his fight, and it's not even my fight. I think that this will help a lot. My H and I were talking last night, and I worked out that I am still very afraid of losing my dad too. My H just reminded me that we're all adults here, and my dad will have to make choices that I can't shield him from or even help him with. I need to leave his responsibilities in his hands. So, all in all, I am sad and grieving, but ironically in a much better place than I have been for months. There's something beautiful about closure and the recognition that something is well and truly out of my hands.

Slowly, but surely, I am making progress. Thank you 

[zachira]

I felt so sad when reading all the hurtful things your mother said to you while admiring your courage to stay present and listen to what she had to say. You now know that there is no hope for your mother to ever change and treat you with kindness,respect, and love. You are wondering what you want to do about your relationship with your mother. My mother with BPD died last summer and I have several relatives with BPD including two siblings. I do think your instincts were right on when you did not want to talk with your mother alone. I am guessing that she treats you the worst when alone with her. I am also wondering if you just feel you want the problems with her resolved and would like to make some decisions that make your relationship with her less taxing and less emotionally triggering whether you decide to go NC again or institute some really firm boundaries with her while staying LC. I have learned a great deal from reading the posts of Notwendy, as I feel she has gone full circle accepting her mother as she is while setting firm boundaries with her. There is no really one way to go when figuring out how to manage a relationship with a close family member who has BPD, just finding what gives you the most peace and feels right for you.