Hello all together,
I am a 27 y/o female from Germany and found this amazing board here. I really need to write down some of the things that happened to me in the past 4.5 months. Everything started like a dream during my travels throughout South America when I met my boyfriend (Ecuadorian, 38 y/o).
As you might be able to relate, I thought I found my dream guy there even though he was pretty upfront from the beginning about his "demons", former drug addict and diagnosed with Borderline but I was too naïve to leave right away, because I always try to believe in the good of a person and furthermore he seemed to be quite aware and self-conscious about his mental issues. To wrap it up shortly, it turned out that he is not a dream guy at all: no stable income and no capacity whatsoever to handle money (Since we continued travelling together I had to pay almost everything), alcohol abuse, emotional rollercoaster, JEALOUSY STRAIGHT OUT OF HELL but worst of all for me were the physical attacks where he would not let me go out of the room, grab my arms so tight that they bruised and pushing me on the bed. One time he plunged himself that hard with me on the sofa that it literally broke. He even damaged some of my stuff and I was constantly afraid that one day in an outrage would break one of my valuables. And he always managed to make me feel guilty for his outrages and I always tried harder and harder but no matter what I did or how I behaved his rage would always haunt me down. That’s one side of the medal.
The other side is a loving, caring, funny and exciting and manly man I was always longing for, which kept me stuck in the relationship. Many times, I thought about leaving and one time I actually did it but he lured me back in because I wasn’t able to keep the “no contact”. A lot of crazy things happened and the fights and the violence wracked me up so much that deep inside I always knew that I had to get out of that relationship. BUT I STAYED! It’s unbelievable but I felt like being under a spell even though the relationship was DRAMA DRAMA and more DRAMA!
Then came Corona and things deteriorated quickly while being locked up in a small room together. I realized I had to leave to get away from him because I was an emotional wreck from all the verbal and physical abuse and gas lighting/invalidation and I was afraid he might be capable of becoming really violent, even though in that sense he never hit me but I am not sure how far he would go. I sought support from my family and was finally able to leave Colombia with one of the repatriation flights. It was really a struggle until he finally led me go. Nonetheless it was heartbreaking for me to leave him behind and just to secure him a bit I left him 300$ (which “evaporated” quite quickly). We kept in touch when I was back in Germany but he kept controlling me through calling and messaging and we fought constantly because on top he started getting a depression. Often times both of us said that we end the relationship but somehow it wasn’t ended. The fallout happened when he found me on tinder (yes I joined tinder because I kind of saw my only chance to escape him to distract me with chatting and flirting with other guys) and he threatened me to upload an intimate video of us as revenge porn so that “everybody knows what a slut I am” he insulted me in such mean ways that I have never ever experienced in my life before. The crazy thing is that he was always suspecting me of cheating whereas he was actually the one that was keeping warm another girl and messaging her explicit love messages. I blocked him in all channels and we did not hear anything from each other.
Then he contacted me from another number and once again the dance started and all the lame phrases where pulled out again:” I’ll change, I’ll do therapy, please help me, it’s all my fault”, and so on and so forth. According to him he already had treatment for 3 years but I don't know if it was Borderline specific. Furthermore he joined Narcotics Anonymous and had Anti Aggression Training because he had some trouble in the past with the law due to physical injuring other people in street fights. In the end I feel he isn't really remorseful because he always tries to point the finger at me and my deficiencies and those sentences are kind of a "remorse program" learned by heart but not genuine at all. But it WORKED AGAIN! I can’t believe myself, when we were finally talking on the phone again I was so happy and overwhelmed with feelings and love as if the whole time I was only longing to be reunited with him again. Now he is asking me to come back to him as soon as international travel is possible again and even though I feel like that’s the only thing my heart wants, my ratio is believing I fully went nuts… But there is this lost hope deep inside of me that we can finally have the relationship we always wanted to have, but I know that it’s just an empty promise and the rollercoaster will start again. I am wrecked…
Thanks for reading. I'm really looking forward for some exchange with you guys. Stay healthy!
