Boundaries: does it get easier?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Thankfully, I do not live with my BPD parent anymore. I have my own house, I have been married for five years, and we are getting a puppy soon! I have built my own, independent life on the other side of the state. It's been great! It's allowed me to make great boundaries with my mother and has taught me how to live for myself, not for her.

However, when I visit home, often my mother will ask me to do chores for her. I don't mind cleaning up after dinner, but she will often ask me to do tasks such as cleaning her fridge and babysitting my brothers, which I did a lot of both growing up (cleaning the bathroom is a triggering experience for me, related to my mother's problematic parenting habits). The last time I visited, I was just coming home from seeing my sister where she lives, and it was 11:30PM. When I got in the door, my mother asked me to please go pick up milk from the store. My mother often creates chaotic scenes, leaving tasks such as cooking for the family until the last minute (she didn't often cook dinners unless others outside the family could see the fruits of her labor). These were intense times for us all growing up. We survived it by comforting her and doing any task that she asked of us. When I walked in the door and she asked me to do this, I was tired and was ready to walk upstairs to go to bed with my husband. I said, "Mom it's late. I would be happy to pick up milk for you in the morning." My mother then said, "Please don't argue with me, I've got to make this oatmeal in the crockpot (?) for the morning so that everyone can have breakfast, can you just do this one thing for me?" My heart was pounding, I was terrified, but I recalled practicing conversations with my therapist regarding setting boundaries cleaning the fridge. "Mom, I'm tired. I would be happy to pick up milk for you in the morning." My mom then started raising her voice at me, saying things like, "Ok go ahead, go to bed and sleep in your nice comfy room, don't worry about me with all of this work", mocking me and attempting to make me feel bad for not taking care of her and the tasks she chose to do at 11:00PM. My mom had been working on projects all day around the house, ones that were not imperative to the function of the household during our visit. When we visit, she will often be gone at appointments, isolating upstairs in her room, or working on meaningless projects around the house.

I went to bed, terrified and upset, because it would have been so much easier to have said yes, as I was want to do. Instead, I chose to work on a boundary with her. The next day, I decided to help my husband put together a last minute gift for a sibling. My mother then apologized to me for having yelled. (!) That doesn't happen often. I then felt compelled to apologize too, wanting to console her I guess. It's my instinct.

Questions for others working on boundaries: Does it get easier? How do I keep from apologizing or consoling when it serves no purpose and/or isn't due? What am I to do next time? It's exhausting, and if I lived close by, I might not have the will to continue to set boundaries like I did.

Thanks all,

Schmem

[Schmem_25]

Thankfully, I do not live with my BPD parent anymore. I have my own house, I have been married for five years, and we are getting a puppy soon! I have built my own, independent life on the other side of the state. It's been great! It's allowed me to make great boundaries with my mother and has taught me how to live for myself, not for her.

However, when I visit home, often my mother will ask me to do chores for her. I don't mind cleaning up after dinner, but she will often ask me to do tasks such as cleaning her fridge and babysitting my brothers, which I did a lot of both growing up (cleaning the bathroom is a triggering experience for me, related to my mother's problematic parenting habits). The last time I visited, I was just coming home from seeing my sister where she lives, and it was 11:30PM. When I got in the door, my mother asked me to please go pick up milk from the store. My mother often creates chaotic scenes, leaving tasks such as cooking for the family until the last minute (she didn't often cook dinners unless others outside the family could see the fruits of her labor). These were intense times for us all growing up. We survived it by comforting her and doing any task that she asked of us. When I walked in the door and she asked me to do this, I was tired and was ready to walk upstairs to go to bed with my husband. I said, "Mom it's late. I would be happy to pick up milk for you in the morning." My mother then said, "Please don't argue with me, I've got to make this oatmeal in the crockpot (?) for the morning so that everyone can have breakfast, can you just do this one thing for me?" My heart was pounding, I was terrified, but I recalled practicing conversations with my therapist regarding setting boundaries cleaning the fridge. "Mom, I'm tired. I would be happy to pick up milk for you in the morning." My mom then started raising her voice at me, saying things like, "Ok go ahead, go to bed and sleep in your nice comfy room, don't worry about me with all of this work", mocking me and attempting to make me feel bad for not taking care of her and the tasks she chose to do at 11:00PM. My mom had been working on projects all day around the house, ones that were not imperative to the function of the household during our visit. When we visit, she will often be gone at appointments, isolating upstairs in her room, or working on meaningless projects around the house.

I went to bed, terrified and upset, because it would have been so much easier to have said yes, as I was want to do. Instead, I chose to work on a boundary with her. The next day, I decided to help my husband put together a last minute gift for a sibling. My mother then apologized to me for having yelled. (!) That doesn't happen often. I then felt compelled to apologize too, wanting to console her I guess. It's my instinct.

Questions for others working on boundaries: Does it get easier? How do I keep from apologizing or consoling when it serves no purpose and/or isn't due? What am I to do next time? It's exhausting, and if I lived close by, I might not have the will to continue to set boundaries like I did.

Thanks all,

Schmem

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  I am glad you found us and posted. 

Questions for others working on boundaries: Does it get easier? How do I keep from apologizing or consoling when it serves no purpose and/or isn't due? What am I to do next time? It's exhausting, and if I lived close by, I might not have the will to continue to set boundaries like I did.

Yes, practicing boundaries does get easier especially when you realize it has more to do with you and your own behaviors and managing your own reactions than changing your loved ones behaviors though i think you might see that part already?  You ask how to keep yourself from apologizing... and sometimes it is as simple as staying focused on your personal values, communicating in ways that show self respect (which you did great with) and knowing that you will feel panic and anxiety when changing the way you interact with your mom.  It is normal to have a struggle with that.

I think you did really well Schmem.  It takes time to unlearn the sort of patterns you learned like doing what she asks to keep her calm... because you know all too well what will happen if she is not calm.  Practice will help.  It is okay to feel anxious and fearful.  Do it anyway. 

You are right that it can be exhausting to set boundaries.  It gets easier but self care and things like radical acceptance and mindfulness will help.  Are you familiar with those things?

I hope you share more and settle in and read.  We have a lot of information to look though and several articles on boundaries.  Let us know if you want to read more.

[HappyChappy]

Yes it does get easier, if you use quality reference materials and practice. Harri 's and the moderators on here are quality referees.

[Butane]

I think you did awesome with the milk thing! You actually got an apology. Right after that you were hit by FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), and wanted to apologize yourself.

I'd suggest that, next time, you say something like this:

Mom: "I'm sorry I yelled at you"
You: "I really appreciate you saying that, Mom." Then transition to a new topic, like "Oh, it looks like it's going to beautiful out today. Maybe we could go for a walk after lunch."

That accomplishes a few things:
1) You accept the apology
2) You don't minimize her actions "oh, that's OK" "I'm sorry I said no"
3) You don't over-do things and create an argument by talking about it for a long time "well, Mom, we really need to talk about this, you need to ..." Disaster alert!
4)  You re-establish connection and show her you that your "No" last night does not mean you are abandoning her.

The key will be to practice, practice, practice.
If you get a good book on boundaries on audio, you can listen to it in the car often to really absorb and practice the skills.

[Schmem_25]

I so appreciate every one of your replies! I found so much comfort in knowing that you all understand.

I'm learning these new terms just now, the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), gosh, I resonate with that completely! Thank you for introducing me to this concept. I find that in my daily life, oddly with coworkers especially, I feel these same feelings as I did with my mom. I feel obligations to keep my coworkers happy so that I can both get the job done and not come into conflict. Oddly, those same FOG feelings come about when I disagree with coworkers or when I have let someone down (I am a social worker in an emergency room). I'm curious if anyone knows why these FOG feelings come about specifically in these settings? I have wonderful, deep relationships outside of work, and even when conflict arises, I usually don't feel these same feelings. Maybe there's a lack of control, the responsibility to care for others in my work and do a good job that isn't present in the same way with friends...it's interesting and distressing at times.