BPD and COVID-19...

[Boscorelli2010]

So... everyone is talking about COVID-19. The entire world is talking about COVID-19. This is not a post about the safety of hand washing or social distancing or staying home. This is a post about confliction...

I wouldn't wish this virus upon anyone - it is very real, and very scary.

I found out on Wednesday this week that my mother has (supposedly) contracted COVID-19. My mother, who I have had such a complicated relationship with for the better part of 20 years. The only mother I have ever known. And I had to find out through my aunt. She told my aunt that it was okay for her to tell myself and my sisters about my mom's diagnosis, but we were told very limited details, and there were things that didn't make any sense.

(Some background - for my own mental health, my mother and I are only speaking through Facebook Messenger. Her mental illnesses are causing me a lot of anxiety to the point that I have anxiety attacks while talking to her on the phone. Every conversation is emotional and intense, so a boundary I have set with her is that we only chat through messages.)

So, I sent her a message a couple of days later after I had time to process what I had been told. I wanted to know more information so I kept my questions very formal and clinical, and her story still just didn't make sense. Based on her history of fabricating illnesses in order to get attention, I do not 100% believe her that she has it. She is truly not a reliable source, and she has cried wolf too many times. At the end of the conversation, she told me she didn't want me updating my sisters on her condition and if they wanted to know they could call for themselves (neither are talking to her, and one is even in the process of getting a peace bond placed on her). I told her I had to leave immediately to tend to my son (which I truly did), but she said if I didn't answer her I wouldn't be allowed to know how she is doing anymore. Again I said I had to go, so she told me that that was my answer, and "Better hope I don't get worse."

It's like the time she got a new puppy after my parents separated and we had to rehome our two cats because she couldn't take care of them plus the dog she was keeping and my Dad didn't want them in his apartment. She told me "I just hope you don't hurt the dog because you're upset I got her and got rid of the cats." She seriously just doesn't know me at all, and that clearly hasn't changed...

I'm at the point right now where if she does have the virus, I don't want her to have it, and if she doesn't really have it I'll be really pissed that she made this up.

My words are a bit disjointed right now, but I hope my message got across. Should this virus be enough to jeopardize my own mental health and fall back into the terrible rut I was in before I set boundaries with her? Honestly, I don't think it is. I am sending all of my well wishes for recovery from afar, and from behind my boundaries, but our troubled relationship started long before this virus ever existed in this country.

Has anyone experienced something similar? I would love to hear your thoughts. Keep safe and healthy, all <3

[Harri]

Hi  

No worries, your words are clear.  

Should this virus be enough to jeopardize my own mental health and fall back into the terrible rut I was in before I set boundaries with her? Honestly, I don't think it is.

 I don't think it is either.  I also don't think it is an either or situation.  Maybe the question can be Can you maintain healthy boundaries, practice acceptance  of who your mom is and acceptance of how you respond to her without falling into a rut?  If she has the virus, what do you think would change for you?

[JNChell]

This sounds tricky and I’m sorry that it is causing you to be upset. This Covid-19 virus has really upended things worldwide. Have you thought about keeping your current boundaries in place while trying to fact find and discuss this with her? Keep in mind that she may escalate and try to smother you with guilt and obligation. If she does, are you prepared to put additional boundaries in place in real time?

I know this is hard and I’m getting that you want to talk to your mom.

[Methuen]

I told her I had to leave immediately to tend to my son (which I truly did), but she said if I didn't answer her I wouldn't be allowed to know how she is doing anymore. Again I said I had to go,

Keeping your boundaries, leaving the situation, and using the broken record technique!  I just wanted to chime in and say how well I think you handled that situation!  Inspiration to all of us!