Exploitation and impulse buying

[Schmem_25]

I've searched the site looking for other posts about this, since I noticed that one of the traits of a pwBPD is impulsivity. One of my mom's behaviors is that she shops a lot on Amazon, thrift stores, and loves buying stuff on Craiglist from far away places where she would have travel to pick it up. She will travel a couple of hours to pick up a thrift backpack for one of us kids. She also has started collecting junk cars. She will "find a great deal" on an older, used car, and then a year or two later, she'll be shopping for another one, but won't want to get rid of the other three or four cars that don't work well and are taking up parking spaces. Most of her kids, including myself, have moved away, so there are many cars that "are hers" that she won't give to any of her adult children, but won't give away either. My mom is not working right now due to my young brother having a chronic illness (which I can see she gets a lot of attention from, but that's a topic for another time), and so my family does not have much money to be buying cars. My mom is now scouting out a brand new car, because the car she bought two years ago is "not that great", though it was the perfect car for them two years ago. I have been telling my dad to talk with my mom about getting rid of other cars, and my dad, though is in therapy, continues to struggle to verbalize his opinions, though he would like to get rid of other cars before they buy a new one. I know it's not really my business, but one of my other adopted brothers received a large sum of money from his biological family, and my mom has decided to use some of this money to buy a new car, though it is specifically intended for my brother's care for his future.

I know this is exploitative, and my dad tries to justify it, though I know he thinks it's wrong. There have been many other instances where my mother has used people for money, including even borrowing $3000 from my sister five years ago, and justifying her not paying her back because she owes her money for some reason, like her living with her for a while or something. Her behaviors are exploitative, and I worry about my brother's future well-being. What can be done?

[Turkish]

Over 10 years ago, my mom told me that she cut up her debit card because she was buying too much jewelry on QVC. I had helped her with cash for her utilities, and other things. Taking care of a parent on a fixed income may have been noble, but I was also enabling she being irresponsible.

[GaGrl]

Is there a trust set up for your brother? Could your father get one set up to protect funds from being used for other than his needs?

[Schmem_25]

My dad said that he was "working on this". I don't know what this means, but maybe he's trying to get the courage to say something. My dad has a very co-dependent relationship with my mother. Though he expresses independent, logical thoughts to me and told me that he didn't want to use the money for this, ultimately he fears my mom and will historically go along with what she wants because he doesn't want to deal with the chaos. He is working on this, and in the last year he stood up in honor of my other brother when she was attempting to cut him off financially during college. I texted him yesterday and told him I felt that this situation with my disabled brother was exploitative, and I suggested that he discuss strategies for how to talk with my mom about it with his therapist. The last time I got involved and helped support my dad with the situation with my other brother and his finances, I ended up getting into a huge argument with my mom, and it was very very difficult for me emotionally. It brought about a lot of growth for myself and my dad for sure, but I feel so reluctant to get involved in that way again. I just hope that my dad can stand up to my mom in support of my brother. I feel that it's his responsibility, and that I would be meddling. My therapist feels differently, and feels that I should advocate for my brother to my dad and my mom. I feel pressured, and afraid for both myself and my brother. I just want it to go away, and I want my dad to protect my brother. He should, as he is his father.

[Panda39]

Everybody's brand of BPD is individual, for some it's sex or it drugs/alcohol and for your mom it's shopping. 

I recognize the shopping problem, my partner's undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) has many issues with money...imaginary business deals where she is gonna make billions, writing bad checks/spending money she doesn't have, buying the same things over and over because she hoards things and looses them or breaks them or returns them. It seems to be more about the process than the actual things.

Her family of origin (FOO) is all about money and things.  Because that is the focus, sadly her whole life has been competition with her siblings.  I think the deals, the shopping and the "things" fill her up emotionally...when she's engaged in these things she feels like she is keeping up with the rest of them, feels that she's successful, feels that she's capable and smart.  She feels all those things until the natural consequences come back to bite her.  Her marriage fell apart, she was evicted 3 different times, she was convicted of fraud, she lost friends, she ripped off her own daughter to the tune of $15,000 who is now no contact with her (NC) and she eventually lost all of her things (didn't pay for the storage unit).

It's hard to watch all of this my partner's ex...your mom.  But we can't make other people do what they don't want to do, sometimes they need to learn things the hard way.  Your parents are making their own decisions and that is up to them.  Mom over-spending and dad enabling her.  You control you and what you do.  Yes, you can ask and discuss and advocate for your brother but they are going to do what they are going to do.

There is triangulation going on and in general you want to stay off the triangle...
More on Triangulation: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

I'm curious why your Therapist thinks you should be the advocate for your brother?  Why they think it is your responsibility?  I tend to agree with you that your dad should be protecting him.  The problem being his inability to do so 

It sounds like your dad may be living in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) and it can be really hard to stand up for yourself in the FOG. 

More on FOG: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Can you give a little more detail about your family?  Are you still living at home?  It sounds like you have 2 brothers one in college the other brother with a disability still at home (how old is he)?  Are there other siblings?  What about extended Family?  Any aunts/uncles?  Sorry for all the questions, just trying to get a better feel for the people involved.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Schmem_25]

I appreciate your comments! My dad is for sure dealing with FOG. I will be talking with my therapist about this, her pushing me to get involved. She really pushed me to advocate for my other brother who is 23. He now is graduating, greatly due to my advocacy and my dad standing up to my mom (after months of talking with him about this being the right decision, as well as myself getting into a verbal confrontation about it with my mom). Maybe she is challenging me to grow and work to share truth with my mom, let her know my true feelings about these situations that happen in my family...I certainly have grown a lot from that experience. It has helped me create greater boundaries, and to also work on having a more truthful, less care-taking relationship with mom. But I am emotionally drained and really don't want to get involved, only for the sake of my brother.

I actually have five brothers! The two youngest are adopted, the disabled brother I'm referring to is 15, but has the mental capacity of about a seven year old. I also have three sisters...my mother needed a lot of kids to take care of her I guess. I am 28 and live with my husband on the other side of the state 5 hours away. This choice to move away was the best decision I could have made. I am becoming close with my dad, we talk weekly, of whom my mom often isolated me from emotionally growing up. I don't talk to my mom too much, I hear all the family drama from my dad. This is where I share my concerns about family issues. The majority of drama comes from my siblings and my mom, there's so many of us that it's enough to keep us busy. My mom doesn't have great relationships with either my dad's family or her own family. Her sister and her do not talk, likely due to my aunt also having her own mental health issues. Right now, my mom and dad are raising my two youngest adopted siblings and my youngest sister at home. My mom and dad are both having difficulty adjusting to having fewer kids in the house. My other adopted brother, who is 11, has chronic illness. This has kept my mom super busy, since he's had to have several surgeries, also due to having cancer last year. This I think has given her an outlet for gathering emotional support from all of her friends, as well as us siblings. Hopefully this gives a clear picture.

I really appreciate your posing questions about my involvement. I certainly want to keep myself from triangulating, I know it's not good for any of us. I want to live my own life and I know that my mom will not change. I think what I should probably resort to doing is continually advising my dad to go to therapy and talk these things through with his therapist. I myself am a social worker, I am an empath, and I easily fall into the care-taking/therapist role with a lot of my family members (I obviously did with my mom growing up). I know I shouldn't do this with my dad.

[Schmem_25]

UPDATE: 

My mom bought a car. $20,000. It has 100,000+ miles on it, probably going to break down within a couple of years no doubt. She is a force that cannot be stopped.

My dad was directed to pick up the car and drive it back down to their home, 4.5 hours away. He was able to stop and say hi to me, since the car was found close to where we live. He didn't want to talk about it. I think he felt shame for being unable to stop her from buying the car.

My therapist told me, "Be grateful that you are out of your mother's control". I have been holding onto that. I think that's all one can do at this point.

[Turkish]

 Wow. What kind of car commanded that price with that many miles? A 10 year old 7 series BMW with that many miles is only worth about $10k, for example. 

[GaGrl]

Wow. What kind of car commanded that price with that many miles? A 10 year old 7 series BMW with that many miles is only worth about $10k, for example. 

I wondered the same thing! I just bought a 2020 Honda Accord for around $22k.

[Schmem_25]

They bought a Suburban. I wish I could give more information than that. I'm sure it was "an incredible deal" 

[Schmem_25]

Sorry, not "they". It was purely my uBPD mom's decision.