I just don't understand the reason he broke up with me.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

He kept telling me that his past relationships had lasted a lot longer than with me but I didn't quite believe it until I saw it for myself. He has been in his new relationship for over a month now and is still happy. Why did he always turn cold and dump me after only a week if it's something to do with him and not me. He said that we are just "incompatible" which doesn't really mean anything other than he didn't love me? I loved the short time we had together and he begged me to give him another chance several times...

Is it possible, despite him having mixed personality disorders that this was just a normal experience of one sided love? Did I just get totally used? If he was just using me then why does it seem different with his new relationship? What makes it any different?

When we went on our first date he was really quiet and I had asked him why and he said he as just naturally a quiet person. He had so many physical problems, apparently he had been in hospital with pneumonia, had tonsillitis the week after our first date which I just took as an excuse as lots of people seem to say stuff like that. He also had a cold sore on our first date and told me "If I didn't have this i'd kiss you". Afterwards I asked him how he had felt and he had said he wasn't sure yet which seemed weird after saying he would have kissed me and there was someone else who he was talking to and couldn't decide between us. I don't know if that's a red flag or not. I thought so but kept going anyway.

But I think I got the idealisation phase afterwards and he sounded like a vulnerable guy unlucky in love. He immediately told me he had BPD (I didn't know what it was back then) He told me that lots of people in the past had cheated and lied to him and he was really scared about asking me out and sent a text that asked me instead, even though we were on the phone. I said yes and we spent a few days in contact just talking and watched a movie together and cuddled but then he told me that he is confused and that his mood kept changing but he loved me very much and that his gut told him he loved me so he would stick with it. I just thought he was insecure like me. The next week he suddenly told me he was going into hospital with mental issues and that he gives up on everything and just wants to focus on recovery. I tried to offer words of understanding he told me "nobody has ever understood me like you before". A few days later he said he was coming home and he was actually fine but asked me to wait a few weeks for him to sort himself out but that turned into a few months and he told me to give up but didn't want to lose me as a friend. I saw him on a dating site but he told me he was just looking for "friends". He also accused me of not trusting him because I was looking for him online but he told me it was a "test". He eventually told me he wanted me back. We got together again for Christmas and then the rest just pretty much repeats for the next year but with him having other relationships in-between coming back to me until he decides after a year of on and off relationships that we are just "incompatible".

How BPD does it sound? He seems to think he is fine now and that he no longer qualifies for BPD. That's not possible is it?

[mourninglove]

He kept telling me that his past relationships had lasted a lot longer than with me but I didn't quite believe it until I saw it for myself. He has been in his new relationship for over a month now and is still happy. Why did he always turn cold and dump me after only a week if it's something to do with him and not me. He said that we are just "incompatible" which doesn't really mean anything other than he didn't love me? I loved the short time we had together and he begged me to give him another chance several times...

Is it possible, despite him having mixed personality disorders that this was just a normal experience of one sided love? Did I just get totally used? If he was just using me then why does it seem different with his new relationship? What makes it any different?

When we went on our first date he was really quiet and I had asked him why and he said he as just naturally a quiet person. He had so many physical problems, apparently he had been in hospital with pneumonia, had tonsillitis the week after our first date which I just took as an excuse as lots of people seem to say stuff like that. He also had a cold sore on our first date and told me "If I didn't have this i'd kiss you". Afterwards I asked him how he had felt and he had said he wasn't sure yet which seemed weird after saying he would have kissed me and there was someone else who he was talking to and couldn't decide between us. I don't know if that's a red flag or not. I thought so but kept going anyway.

But I think I got the idealisation phase afterwards and he sounded like a vulnerable guy unlucky in love. He immediately told me he had BPD (I didn't know what it was back then) He told me that lots of people in the past had cheated and lied to him and he was really scared about asking me out and sent a text that asked me instead, even though we were on the phone. I said yes and we spent a few days in contact just talking and watched a movie together and cuddled but then he told me that he is confused and that his mood kept changing but he loved me very much and that his gut told him he loved me so he would stick with it. I just thought he was insecure like me. The next week he suddenly told me he was going into hospital with mental issues and that he gives up on everything and just wants to focus on recovery. I tried to offer words of understanding he told me "nobody has ever understood me like you before". A few days later he said he was coming home and he was actually fine but asked me to wait a few weeks for him to sort himself out but that turned into a few months and he told me to give up but didn't want to lose me as a friend. I saw him on a dating site but he told me he was just looking for "friends". He also accused me of not trusting him because I was looking for him online but he told me it was a "test". He eventually told me he wanted me back. We got together again for Christmas and then the rest just pretty much repeats for the next year but with him having other relationships in-between coming back to me until he decides after a year of on and off relationships that we are just "incompatible".

How BPD does it sound? He seems to think he is fine now and that he no longer qualifies for BPD. That's not possible is it?

[daze507]

I think it sounds very BPD but the only fact he told he was should be more than enough to confirm that.
After my ex's first very episode, ironically one of the weirdest, when I confronted her to understand what had happened, she told me that basically nothing had happened and that I was just trying to sabotage her interview for her new job and that "all of her exs did the same thing". See the pattern, they are always the victim. She certainly painted me as a liar/cheater/abuser to her new temporary "hero", no doubt about that.
My theory is that our personalities and own insecurities can have an influence on how much our BPD is triggered, if we're not very comunicative about our feeling or if we can be sarcastic etc. the BPD gets suspicious very quickly.
However, if a BPD is untreated, he will eventually snap no matter what.
He told you he's OK now but from what I've read on the subject it can take years of therapy before you can see any improvement so, who knows.
The fact is, at the end of the day, it was not an healthy relationship  for you.

[mourninglove]

I think it sounds very BPD but the only fact he told he was should be more than enough to confirm that.
After my ex's first very episode, ironically one of the weirdest, when I confronted her to understand what had happened, she told me that basically nothing had happened and that I was just trying to sabotage her interview for her new job and that "all of her exs did the same thing". See the pattern, they are always the victim. She certainly painted me as a liar/cheater/abuser to her new temporary "hero", no doubt about that.
My theory is that our personalities and own insecurities can have an influence on how much our BPD is triggered, if we're not very comunicative about our feeling or if we can be sarcastic etc. the BPD gets suspicious very quickly.
However, if a BPD is untreated, he will eventually snap no matter what.
He told you he's OK now but from what I've read on the subject it can take years of therapy before you can see any improvement so, who knows.
The fact is, at the end of the day, it was not an healthy relationship  for you.

He blamed himself more than me for the first few times but then he started accusing me of putting words in his mouth and lying to him and blocking me for weeks at a time.

[daze507]

He blamed himself more than me for the first few times

My ex used to apologize for her harsh answers but only during the idealisation phase. For some reason, in that phase, she seemed to still be able to regain control and admit she went to far... Then, past that point, it was no limit, her own behaviour was out of the equation.

[mourninglove]

My ex used to apologize for her harsh answers but only during the idealisation phase. For some reason, in that phase, she seemed to still be able to regain control and admit she went to far... Then, past that point, it was no limit, her own behaviour was out of the equation.

Same here but my idealisation phase was weird because he was breaking up with me saying that his own mental health was the problem and not me, being friends for a bit and then coming back to me again and I have a feeling it was because he wasn't really interested in me but was feeling so lonely and rejected that I filled a hole temporarily. But could have also have been fear? I don't know. Later on he acted more like a classic borderline but we were only friends at that point, he always stuck to either us being too "incompatible" or that he knows that he would just end up dumping me again if we tried to get back together as he "pushes everyone away". One thing he said the last time he broke up with me caught my attention though. He was being really mean to me and I asked him "Does this mean you are going to dump me?" and he said something along the lines of "If we can still be friends afterwards".

Times like that... I think I really saw glimpses of what appeared to be his insecurity and the classic signs of bpd but it barely ever surfaced like that.