is there anyone here who takes anxiety meds?

[Josie2020]

My mom has BPD, and as many of you can relate, I have developed major anxiety. I've gone to therapy and have been able to work to manage it to the point of where I'm no longer drinking because of it and I've limited it to only when there is an impending threat of a negative interaction with my mom on the phone or in person. (fear that something will turn into an explosive fight, etc etc) Thankfully, my anxiety has improved but I still find myself sacrificing my own wants and needs to make sure she's happy or that no argument occurs between us. And whenever I feel that there is a chance of a fight, my whole day is ruined because of my anxiety. I have been studying anxiety medications for school and I am starting to wonder if anyone is on anxiety meds because of their parent with BPD and how it affected them etc. I could use some advice! I am considering even a beta blocker to take when at risk. I'm not sure what is the best thing to do and could us any insight! thanks.

[JNChell]

Hey, Josie2020. I’ve recently had some experience with meds. It didn’t work out. I’ve also tried them in the past. It obviously didn’t work out then either.

The thing is, every individuals makeup is different, and what works here, might not work there.

I understand your struggle. Anxiety is a  . I was prescribed Zoloft fairly recently. I was informed that the “loading period” might feel pretty weird. It did, but after the loading period I started to feel very bad. Like, really bad. I’m not trying to paint a negative light on medication. It helps a lot of people.

Your mom causes you a great amount of obligation and guilt. That’s not ok and I’m sorry that it’s become your normal. Meds aside, there are tools available that can help you deal with her and keep your space.

My parents have been dead for ten years. The anxiety was caused by them when they were alive. It’s ingrained into the mind during our upbringing. It’s something that tends to stick around. My anxiety became very severe after the birth of S5. It was stored in my body and in the back of my mind. My anxiety didn’t die with my parents.

Whatever route you decide to take is ultimately up to you. Obviously, consult your doctor. You’ll have to do that for a prescription anyway. Ultimately, what is your goal with your mom?

[Josie2020]

Basically to keep her in my life but to create more boundaries that she sticks to, such as not calling 2 times/day, not having to visit every single time I have a free weekend (I'm in medical school and we have an exam every month, and my mom comes literally right when the exam ends and has started explosive tantrums when I've told her that I wanted to spend time with friends. Same has happened for holidays like Labor Day. I've never been able to go on a weekend trip with friends during a holiday because my mom gets so angry if I don't go home for any vacation I may have, during college and grad school, so I've just given up.) I want to be able to just say that I made plans with friends when she wants to visit, and be able to hang up, move on with my day without being too nervous to function. Lately I haven't been anxious unless if its something tense between mom and i. but the anxiety is excessive when it does come on.

During college, if I would stay on campus for even an extra day after finals to celebrate with friends, or if I made plans with friends when she wanted to spend time with me, we would end up having an explosive fight, and it would end up being a humiliating and traumatic experience. This happened so many times, even after times when she said she was okay with me not coming home at first, then when the day would come it would be a serious of interrogative calls which eventually turn into terrible unrelenting screaming. Eventually I gave up standing up for myself because it ended up being counter productive. Why stay to spend time with your friends when that time would be ruined anyway and turned into a negative experience. I would just go home when she wanted me to in order to keep the peace. It would be better than fighting. (By relinquishing power). To this day, and years and years have come up I still do the same thing except I've modified it by saying my breaks start later than they actually do. That has been the only way for me to achieve peace without sacrificing my own needs. But I know that in some cases I will have to be able to say, "no." I won't always have a plan or a test as an excuse. Sometimes doctors prescribe propranolol for performance anxiety and im honestly thinking about inquiring about that, as an addition to therapy. To be a little less worked up while I have to create boundaries with her, such as planning visits around me and not her. Making her aware that i have a life too that will come first sometimes.

[JNChell]

Boundaries might very well be a good thing to focus on. I’m a blue collar guy and can’t begin to imagine how hard it is to deal with these things while navigating a medical career. This a pretty solid article when it comes to breaking down the real structure of boundaries, and why they should be put in place.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Here’s another article on FOG(Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I hate to call any of these things tactics, because they are mechanisms that unwell people often use. It’s what their mind tells them to do. Of course it goes deeper than that, but I will speculate that you understand that being a med student. That doesn’t mean that it’s not exhausting for you. Emotions are involved. You love your mother, but she makes it hard to do that.

[LFCNZ]

I've been on Citalopram off and on for 20 or so years, consistently for about the last 13, when I have tried to stop, firstly the withdrawal symptoms weren't fun and when I was off, my anxiety seemed to come back worse(still have anxiety now but not as bad when off the Citalopram).

Im scared to try to go off it again as firstly not keen on the withdrawal and secondly once-off worried more extreme anxiety will come back.

[wmm]

I take anxiety medication and I find it very helpful. The thing is I have been diagnosed with general anxiety (on top of my ptsd). Many things in life make me anxious, not only my mother. This has helped throughout my life. The number one thing that still makes me anxious is my mother. I found the anxiety medication made it easier to concentrate on and learn about things like CBT and mindfulness. These techniques have been more helpful for me to deal with my mother. If it's only your mother that causes anxiety I don't think something like an SSRI would help. Benzodiazepines and propanolol can help. Be very careful about not taking benzodiazepines regularly though. I took them regularly. Eventually, they stop working but the withdrawal is awful. Learning how to be assertive and knowing that the conflict will eventually pass might be more helpful. Radical acceptance might help. At the same time, I too, have a difficult time standing up to my mother so I totally understand how scary it can be.

[Josie2020]

Thanks for your input. Yeah, therapy helped me with anxiety in other areas, and I've come pretty far and I am doing really well. At this point it is only my mom who gives me anxiety, but when it does happen, it is pretty debilitating. I wondered about taking something for anxiety but wasn't sure if I needed it since there is only one specific trigger. I was leaning toward Benzos or beta blockers as you have mentioned. I have a history of alcohol abuse, so I am afraid of starting something like Xanax. I think I will look into propranolol as needed and get a doctor's advice as well. The anxiety happens to the point of where I can't really do anything except freak out with heart palpitations, and if I have to do something, the whole time I'm nervous and thinking about her. Hopefully it will get figured out.

Also, JNChell I have been reading about FOG and I liked your source as well. It is definitely something I can relate too. I focus a lot on fear but as I read more, I am definitely guilty of "obligation." I don't think im as guilty as I am ashamed. I don't feel guilty for being forced to do something out of fear for a terrible reaction. I feel ashamed that I go to such limits, I guess.But maybe I have unconscious guilt.

Thank you everyone for you input.  It is so appreciated! This group makes me feel like I am not alone

[JNChell]

I have a history with alcohol as well. I was advised by an ER doctor and my family doctor to stay away from things like Benzos and Xanax. Anything of a narcotic or addictive nature. It made sense to me. Why go further down that rabbit hole was my takeaway from that advice. You know, from my POV, the fine folks that gave those recommendations have seen these scenarios time and again. At least from patients that are willing to be open and honest so that they can receive the best treatment possible.

There is a member here that works in the health field. She shared with us that there is a DNA test, a simple mouth swab that helps to determine which meds might work, and the ones that may not. Have you heard of this during your studies at this point?

As you’ve said, you’re dealing with your mother and she is the focal point of your bad and upset feelings. I understand how deep those feelings go. I have palpitations, and my parents are long gone. I’ve had three severe panic attacks in which I thought I was going to die. I thought my heart was failing.

Medication is a commitment, as are the available tools and coping strategies that are available for learning. Do you think  there might be a happy balance between the two to help you through this first initial stage of what you’re taking on emotionally?

[Josie2020]

We have just started our psych block and I haven't heard of the test. I will have to ask a professor (via zoom of course!) That is pretty interesting.

And that is what I am hoping for. A happy balance. Therapy, and self-help are definitely helping me, but I think I need something extra. After studying social anxiety, it reminded me of how I feel with my mom in a way. Many social anxiety patients take beta blockers before socializing just to get passed actually getting out. then they often see that they end up okay and continue therapy and medicine until exposure therapy has had time to work. Eventually they may not even need the medicine.

I think the Beta blocker may be a good option as far as starting exposure therapy for setting boundaries with my mom. However there is still much to learn and I am no expert. So hoping for the best!

Thank you again

[JNChell]

Sending you all the best. We hope you stick around and keep us updated. This is a peer based community and your story helps others.