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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: First post... confused.  (Read 590 times)
1215

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 9


« on: May 09, 2020, 01:23:55 PM »

Hi all.
First post here, so please go easy on me. I’ve been floating around this site for about 5 weeks now, about the same length of time since I last contacted my gf of 2 years. I’m pretty certain this split (unlike the other ones we’ve been through) is permanent. My head is a mess, although mercifully, the desperation & loneliness have eased a little. Still so much confusion though.
I had never even heard of PD before meeting my current gf. It was only a year into our rs that I accidentally stumbled across BPD. Like many here, I found some of her talk & behaviour odd, disconcerting & sometimes downright offensive & hurtful. It was only when I went online & typed in some of the symptoms that BPD came up. Even then I found it hard to make that connection, some of it rang familiar, but she never seemed to exhibit some of the more overt symptoms (according to the DSM) such as chronic infidelity, violent rages & drug abuse. It was only when I read some articles about the subtypes of BPD, in particular about the ‘waif’ & ‘hermit’, that it really hit home for me. It was like a cold hard slap to the face. Reading all these peoples accounts & these message boards, it was uncanny the parallels I could draw between them & my rs. In short, I feel my gf was probably lower on the PD spectrum most of the time, & I’m fairly certain she had BPD traits, if not meeting the full criteria for BPD diagnosis. But hey, what’s my armchair diagnosis really worth? After much obsessive reading on the message boards here, one thing I can be 100% certain of, is that our rs had become unhealthy for me, regardless of a professional diagnosis.
So why the confusion? Well the fog (as you guys call it) feels like it’s lifted a tiny bit, letting me see our rs, & myself, in a different light. Then the pendulum will swing back the other way, & I’ll feel I could’ve done more, been more understanding. Heck, I even wonder am I the one with a PD? I certainly could be codependent or just a not very nice man.
I suppose I’m looking for validation about wether it was some kind of PD? Not to salve my conscience, or so I can place the blame squarely at her feet. I know I can’t go back to her. So the only way for me is forward. Just so many questions about what happened though before I feel I can begin to let go. I love her deeply, & I felt that she loved me. Not one person in my life ever touched emotionally like she did, my soulmate. She could be so kind, loving, generous, funny, helpful, caring... it was never all bad. That’s what makes all this such a wrench & so damn confusing!

1215
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« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2020, 10:49:50 PM »

im glad you found us 1215. Welcome

i remember when i first discovered BPD (i hadnt really heard of either), and then when i found this place. its the silver lining in all of the mess, all of the pain.

it sounds like youre having a hard time...to be expected with the loss of a two year break up, especially one as tumultuous as these can be.

so, what happened? who broke up with whom?
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JNChell
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« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2020, 12:44:56 AM »

Hey, 1215. 5 weeks isn’t very long. I’m sure that the feelings you describe are still pretty fresh. However, good on you for deciding to post. This is a pretty great place.

A person doesn’t have to be diagnosable (full blown BPD) to be problematic. Simply having strong personality traits can be enough to upend most relationships.

Are you hoping to process this relationship and it’s end? Or do you still have lingering thoughts about trying to make it work?
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1215

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 9


« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2020, 04:03:45 PM »

I haven’t been on here for some days now. Been trying to give my mind a little break from obsessively reading everything about BPD, I’m sure it’s not healthy sometimes.
First of all guys, thanks for your response to me, it really means a lot. Therapy is an option not available to me at this moment, hopefully it soon will be though, & I fully intend on getting to the source of my problems with the guidance of a therapist.
onceremoved Even at the start of the rs there were red flags galore. But my self worth & self esteem were nonexistent even before meeting her. I know I had some mild depression too. My romantic life since leaving my wife, was really just a long line of meaningless dating, no respect for myself or the women I dated.
Along came this beautiful, loving, kind, understanding person. I’ve never felt like I’ve loved, or felt like I’ve been loved on this level... period. She was almost telepathic in regards to my needs & feelings. This rs gave me meaning in life... made me feel whole, so I’m probably just as disordered as her, just without the outbursts, extreme emotionality & b/w thinking etc. I’ve seen some of the advice to getting over these kinds of rs, in a nutshell, get back to the person you used to be, but what if you never liked that person? I suppose that’s why it’s hit me so hard. I used this rs to avoid my old life as I saw it, become a new me, what I thought she wanted (or at many times what she actually requested) me to be. I can see this so clearly now!

The ‘BPD’ side of her was gradually revealed, very slowly, about 3 months into our rs, & for the next 18 months or so. I’d never been love bombed before, so I just took it all at face value. Both of us professing love very early. Her overt sexuality. Sharing of our deepest secrets & problems. Talk of babies & marriage. Right from the get go she showed signs of a massive victim mentality... her ex’s were all controlling & aggressive. The biggest red flag of all though, was her dysfunctional rs with her mother. Special hatred was reserved for her ex H & her mum. She Hadn’t spoken to her mum in 6 years, upbringing was very strict (mum was religious) said her mum wouldn’t allow her a rs with her father, but her kid sister was. So much bitterness there! All so obvious when armed with the right information & hindsight, but at that time, I didn’t care a hoot, I had a gorgeous woman who thought I was the love of her life.
So, the bad aspects of her gradually revealed themselves from then on in...
Occasional verbal outbursts/rages at me/kids/dogs.
Acute emotional instability, projection & amnesia.
Extreme b/w thinking & negativity.
Almost childlike naivety sometimes.
Sex & non sexual intimacy as a weapon/ tool of control.
Sporadic breakups for minor or sometimes downright bizarre reasons.
Impulsivity. Mainly with buying pets... yes, pets.
Splitting. With me, kids, her dad, even the pets... yes, the pets.
Almost pathological mind changing.
Seemingly different personalities.
Major trust issues.
Highly sensitive (considered herself an empath, especially with animals & me).
Depressive almost dissociative episodes.
... I could go on.
By the time of our final split, we’d sort of reached a plateau in our rs. She was on antidepressants. Had a vague awareness of her symptoms, but she thought they were menopausal. In fact, as mentioned many times on these boards, there were these rare shining occasions, where by she would have a brief moment of clarity in regards to her negative behaviour... these only served to confuse & hurt me the most. We lived in a bubble, her bubble. Things were fine (ish) so long as I walked the line &paid her 110% of my attention. Despite this there would sometimes be outbursts, constant anxiety & negativity etc. But in all honesty, the real anguish for me came with the sexual & non sexual intimacy aspects of our rs. Weeks or months of no sex (I could just about get a handle on that) but the real killer would be when I’d try to be physically intimate with her, she’d cringe if I went to give her more than a peck on the cheek... & then the biggest mind-f***, after some time of this, ask me why I wasn’t being intimate or romantic any more? Then, After weeks or months of rejection, she could suddenly become this sort of sex crazed porn star demanding that I pleasure her... from waif to nympho in the blink of an eye. It pains me to admit to this, as a man, that sometimes I couldn’t ‘perform’. I need that intimacy, emotional & physical, to ‘get in the mood’. She would take this extremely personal & rage/cry/blame at me. She had this massive bee in her bonnet about control, in this case, about who was in control of sex, she would actually talk about it in these terms! Of course, she’d completely deny avoiding me intimately, always saying ‘but I don’t realise I’m doing it!’.
So, our final fortnight involved one of her unsolicited drunken outbursts at me & her daughters, followed by a 2 day sulk (hers) then aggrieved with me for not ‘chasing’ after her during said sulk. Then after another day of when she was badly depressed & angry about something I can’t even remember or put my finger on, on that same evening, the ‘pornstar’ made another of her entrances, again I couldn’t perform (a day of negativity & passive aggressiveness do not make for a stoked libido). She went on another of her blame crusades on me. Consequently, I think after 2 years, my tolerance was ebbing (although not to the point where I wanted to end the rs) I again confronted her about our lack of intimacy, & not for the first time she ended our rs.
One big difference this time though... I didn’t go chasing after her. As had always happened every time (except once) in the past.
So here I am, nearly 7 weeks of NC.
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1215

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 9


« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2020, 04:36:55 PM »

JNChell Yes, I want to process this rs & it’s demise, but conversely, there are the lingering thoughts, fantasies even, of reunion with her. Like I said above, it certainly wasn’t all bad. Her love (was it really though?) especially how it made me feel... wanted, mature, I suppose I actually felt like a man proper for the first time in my 44 years. If the rs has been bad all the time, then ending it would be a no brainer. We shared stuff emotionally, that I’ve never shared with anybody. It’s hard to let her go. Some days I feel angry about it all, then without realising, I’m entertaining little fantasies of us making up, like we did many times before.
Honestly, for 2 years I lived my life through her & her little world. She had her methods of control & coercion for sure, but, & its a huge but, I willingly plunged head first into this, without a glance backwards.
Today though, by coincidence, after NC for 7 weeks, she messaged me. I have stuff at hers that I will have to collect at some point, she wants to know when. When her message came through I felt two strangely conflicting emotions... the first was absolute dread/anxiety, wtf? Then a few hours later came a sadness that made me cry, weep even. Like most ‘macho’ men, I rarely cry.! Now I’m the one with unstable emotions I suppose... how very ironic. However our message exchange was terse & dealt only with the subject of retrieval of my things. It was all I could do not to apologise to her though... again, wtf?
Kicked my leg out from under me, just as I thought I was heading in the right direction mentally.
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« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2020, 06:52:32 PM »

Hey 1215,

I can't go easy on you... she is treating you like sh*t. And you are allowing it.

Your boundaries are almost non-existent which only reinforces her bad behaviour.

Your problem goes deeper than her BPD. You are not listening to your heart anymore. I bet it's f screaming at you -everytime she is throws your self-respect in the garbage- to DO SOMETHING, and not allow this. But you're not listening... or you're listening but not acting out of fear.

I bet you're struggling with people not respecting you generally in life. And you WILL come across this again in your next relationship, even if she's doesn't have BPD.

Do yourself a favor and don't look back. You have to let her go and see this as a wake up call to improve. Right now, at this point in your life, she's not the person for you. It's unhealthy. You are not strong enough to help her. And she will destroy you in the process. You NEED to work on yourself.
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1215

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 9


« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2020, 02:03:11 PM »

It’s ok TJ, I appreciate the forthright response. You’re absolutely right about my nonexistent boundaries within our rs, & also with other people. What you say about reinforcing her behaviour rings true. Her go to response for me disagreeing or upsetting her, would be to essentially declare our rs over, or to ‘get out’. She realised quite quickly that I would come back begging for another chance to make it work. She even told me during one of her later meltdowns, that ‘it’s always me (her) that finishes with you! & you’ve always come grovelling back!’ & I suppose in her dysregulated emotional state, it had an element of truth. It was part putting me in my place, part seeing if I would chase/fight for the return of her affections for me. So yeah TJ, I think I acquiesced out of fear... fear that she’d leave me.
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Relationship status: Broken up
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« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2020, 04:21:44 PM »

I can relate a lot to your experience especially with the hatred to exes and her mother. In the end i was also acussed of being agressive and controlling. Its a very tough experience but i hope we can all learn something out of this.
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1215

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 9


« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2020, 06:07:02 PM »

I can relate a lot to your experience especially with the hatred to exes and her mother. In the end i was also acussed of being agressive and controlling. Its a very tough experience but i hope we can all learn something out of this.

You know Martin, you’re absolutely right.  I sincerely hope I do learn something from this. I just don’t know what stage I’m at in letting go/grieving this rs. I suppose it’s the easy part to sit here & list all her faults... but I know the real lessons to be learnt are in what I brought into this rs. I’ll try listing some now:
I think I mirrored her as much as she did me.
I was probably as insecure as she was.
I tried to control her through passive aggressive techniques, I stupidly thought I’ll fight fire with fire here!.
Chronic inability to speak my mind to her (unless I was really pissed off, but then it would all come out the wrong way).
Well, that short list took longer than the extensive one I wrote for her. Much harder to turn the microscope on myself I think, as I’m sure there’s a whole lot more I brought to the table.
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JNChell
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #9 on: May 19, 2020, 06:24:21 PM »

You can offer to mail/send her things back to her. You’re emotionally injured right now. Do you think it’s in your best interest to face the person that injured you? If you don’t have to, don’t. Enlist friends or whatever you have to do to not see her right now. If she doesn’t accept that, simply throw her things away. Possessions are a big aspect that are used in their game.
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1215

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 9


« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2020, 12:49:44 AM »

You can offer to mail/send her things back to her. You’re emotionally injured right now. Do you think it’s in your best interest to face the person that injured you? If you don’t have to, don’t. Enlist friends or whatever you have to do to not see her right now. If she doesn’t accept that, simply throw her things away. Possessions are a big aspect that are used in their game.

Hi JNChell. Almost funny how true that last sentence of yours is!. The main reason I have to go to her house to gather my possessions, is one of them is a big 200litre fish tank. I only have 1 person I can enlist to help, my stepdad. Who quite frankly is getting on a bit now (Coronavirus means help is on short supply). As much as I don’t want it to be, it’s a 2 man job. Hopefully though she’ll be at work & one of her relatives will be there
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1215

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 9


« Reply #11 on: May 20, 2020, 01:03:37 AM »

Sorry JNChell, my most recent reply above was cut short...

... In the early part of our rs, me moving my tank into her small place was symbolic of me moving in permanently with her. We both actually said it like that. Then, after every time she’d cast me out, she’d tell me to come get my fish tank (knowing that moving it is a fairly heavy operation!) The tank was always there to draw me back, where she knew I’d fight for another chance at making another go of our rs. Which was the purpose of all her discards... to make me chase, fight & beg for her.

Believe me, I don’t even want to go to hers, even if she isn’t there! I have no option really. Once it’s done though, I have absolutely no reason for any further contact. A prospect, that at the moment, fills me with a mixture of hope & extreme sadness.
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« Reply #12 on: May 23, 2020, 02:02:30 AM »

This rs gave me meaning in life...

this is the story for a lot of us here.

a certain emptiness, boredom, meaninglessness...often times, recently out of a marriage. along comes that spark.

get back to the person you used to be, but what if you never liked that person?

that wouldnt be my advice.

getting back to the person you used to be isnt growth. here, you can learn to become the best version of yourself. a stronger version. a more mature version. one more confident in love. i wasnt any of those things.

thats not to say become someone you dont recognize at all. for sure, get in touch with your old passions and hobbies, the things that defined you. find normalcy, and even routine. but dont go backward.

I suppose that’s why it’s hit me so hard. I used this rs to avoid my old life as I saw it, become a new me, what I thought she wanted (or at many times what she actually requested) me to be. I can see this so clearly now!

its kind of a double whammy, of a loss. we grieve all of our losses. it sounds like this one filled a void, or multiple voids.

Excerpt
The ‘BPD’ side of her was gradually revealed, very slowly

its really, really hard when the sex dries up in a relationship. it spawns all kinds of feelings of rejection. you were up against a lot. maybe it would help to tell us more about some of the things (that included) that revealed themselves slowly)

Excerpt
One big difference this time though... I didn’t go chasing after her. As had always happened every time (except once) in the past.
So here I am, nearly 7 weeks of NC.

you know 1215, that was one big difference in my relationship, too. i had always chased or over pursued and kicked myself for it. as much of a basket case as i was, my ex never saw it, and i really held it together, at least outwardly. nine years later, long, long past the pain, im proud of that. it made a difference in my recovery. it will for you, too.
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