Thanks Methuen & Turkish!
Next time she tosses one of her career ideas at you, I would be tempted to gently toss the suggestion right back at her and point out it's never too late for her to go back to school and become what she's saying you should do.
Very good suggestion. She hasn't worked in years and probably wont for the rest of her life if she can get someone to taking care of her like she is now. So while she doesn't have a traditional job, she does have unrealistic goals that she works on now and again so I could just direct the conversation to be about. Despite, significant "emotional incest," (I was child, advisor, best friend, protege, etc) she will likely remind me that she is the mother and I am the child if I give advice but some light redirection to her interest should work!
She probably sees you as a continuation of herself. If you do well, then it means she's done well. A kind of vicarious success story maybe?
This is 100% true, in fact she has said it many times. I am her "golden child."
Also, yes, I do think the career session would benefit me. It would be good to talk to someone independent and see what comes out of my head!
In the last year I have discovered that I needed to "learn" to "separate myself" from my mother. Before that, I always believed I was my "own person", and independent. I had no clue how emotionally entangled I was.
As for the psychologist, I used to go to one in college about my mother. That was prior to her BPD diagnosis and I mainly used to sessions to talk through how not to trigger her and how to de-escalate her tantrums/fights on visits home. I am now starting to realize that while I did have a lot of privilege as the "golden child" and many opportunities, there were quit a few things she did that we're very wrong, mainly lack of boundaries, that I hadn't really realized until now. Might be no harm to talk them out!
Do you think this could be because "showing you off" reflects well on her? Sadly, this behavior could be more about her, than you. Do you oblige her? Or do you set boundaries? Are you able to "be yourself", and tell her you will wear what you want around her friends? Could she/does she accept that?
Well! This is an interesting development. I guess she has always made lots of comments about my looks, I'm healthy and I like fashion but I'm not really that into flashy/revealing/expensive clothes. Of course I like to look nice but my mother has always liked to dress me up! When I was in secondary school, she used to buy this outrageously flashy things (mortifying for a teenager trying to fit in) and I would beg her to return them (I didn't like wasting the family money) and she would always call me boring!
Now I live far away so I only see her in person a few times a year. She did throw a tantrum this year when I was too tired after jetlag to meet her friends when they changed plans. She said I might as well not have come at all. So I said, I would go and she was criticizing me for not dressing up. She said, you dressed up for your dad's family at Christmas, why wont you dress up for my friends tonight? I told her this was outrageous and that no one else in my adult life cares what I wear (and by the way, it wasn't like I was going to wear sweat pants!) In the end I think I did "make more of an effort" and she still made a comment about ...oh that's what you picked! LOL She is a trip! I guess as I see her so infrequently, I give in to these episodes. I do worry about if I start a family, that I will not have the time and energy to walk on eggshells during my visits.
Turkish, I had a very similar experience at the end of high school. Some support but often mixed with heavy criticism and lots of stress on financial aid.
She blamed others (I think some truth there), but what held her back was her PTSD, Depression,
This was definitely true of my mother. She was very intelligent but ultimately, changed jobs frequently, citing disagreements with management, she thought she should tell them how to run their business and they didn't seem to like it!
Had I done good? Yes. Not good enough.
This is a huge point. Whatever I pick will not be enough for her. In fact, whatever paths I have chosen in the past, she starts to plant seeds of doubt or a new path as that is how her mind works for herself. I need to make this decision for myself, live my full life for me. Leave her out of the picture!
The sad thing is, sometimes she offers really good advice. It is just mixed with so much confusion, baggage, and lack of direction that I don't have the energy to sift through. I just need to pursue this decision on my own and leave her opinions totally out of it!
Thanks to you both for the pep talk!
