What do I want to be when I grow up?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Generally-speaking, a happy healthy adult with a pretty good life. BPDm constantly brings up my career. She thinks i should go back to school to get a masters degree. One day, I should be a teacher for the children i don't have, another day i should go to law to help refugees, then I should quit my job and start performing, then I should get a degree in HR, it is exhausting. Then I should stay at my company and appreciate what I have. She also makes me "dress up" (i'm now in my thirties) when I meet her new friends and often brags about me with things that are not true.

The thing is... I am actually quite confused. I am looking to decide "what I want to be when I grow up" and I don't know where my identity starts and the ones she put on me ends. I know that I am a little bored in my current role, I miss the arts, and also need a little more of a challenge, I've tried to start my own business a few times but I often doubt myself and self sabotage. Some part of me doesn't want to make a change for fear that it is coming from her and not me. I don't want my thoughts muddied with hers as hers are irrational!

To get to the point; I'm thinking about hiring a career coach to help me discern what I want to do. Do you think that would be helpful?

Has anyone else struggled with this? What questions did you ask yourself.

Or do I need a psychologist who understands the BPD mother as I am pretty scattered.

[orange75]

Generally-speaking, a happy healthy adult with a pretty good life. BPDm constantly brings up my career. She thinks i should go back to school to get a masters degree. One day, I should be a teacher for the children i don't have, another day i should go to law to help refugees, then I should quit my job and start performing, then I should get a degree in HR, it is exhausting. Then I should stay at my company and appreciate what I have. She also makes me "dress up" (i'm now in my thirties) when I meet her new friends and often brags about me with things that are not true.

The thing is... I am actually quite confused. I am looking to decide "what I want to be when I grow up" and I don't know where my identity starts and the ones she put on me ends. I know that I am a little bored in my current role, I miss the arts, and also need a little more of a challenge, I've tried to start my own business a few times but I often doubt myself and self sabotage. Some part of me doesn't want to make a change for fear that it is coming from her and not me. I don't want my thoughts muddied with hers as hers are irrational!

To get to the point; I'm thinking about hiring a career coach to help me discern what I want to do. Do you think that would be helpful?

Has anyone else struggled with this? What questions did you ask yourself.

Or do I need a psychologist who understands the BPD mother as I am pretty scattered.

[Methuen]

Hi orange75

BPDm constantly brings up my career. She thinks i should go back to school to get a masters degree. One day, I should be a teacher for the children i don't have, another day i should go to law to help refugees, then I should quit my job and start performing, then I should get a degree in HR, it is exhausting. Then I should stay at my company and appreciate what I have.

Next time she tosses one of her career ideas at you, I would be tempted to gently toss the suggestion right back at her and point out it's never too late for her to  go back to school and become what she's saying you should do.  

She probably sees you as a continuation of herself.  If you do well, then it means she's done well.  A kind of vicarious success story maybe?

None of us likes someone telling us what we should do or "become" career wise.  She's crossing a boundary when she verbalizes these thoughts.  A healthy person could keep these thoughts inside their own head.  Healthy people have "filters".  I don't think BPD's have much for filters in my experience with my mom.  So personally if my mom was doing this to me,  I would gently boomerang it back at her and suggest it's never too late for her to take up a new career.  Most universities have stories of 70-90 yr olds getting a degree.  When I was in my 20's getting my degree, there was a woman in her 50's in my class.  We quite looked up to her, and respected her for going after her dream.  If your mom wants these things, she could think about what she needs to do to move herself forward.  It's not her place to tell you what career you should do.  She could support you, once you have figured out for yourself what your goals are, but that is different.

Some part of me doesn't want to make a change for fear that it is coming from her and not me. I don't want my thoughts muddied with hers as hers are irrational!

This makes perfect sense.  Furthermore, if my mom was doing what you are describing here, I would want to resist for all the wrong reasons, even if it was something I was interested in.  It would get confusing.

Earlier in my life, my H and I decided we wanted a career change.  We went to the closest post-secondary institution, and arranged an appointment with a career counsellor, who administered a program which asked us each about two hundred questions (career inventory kind of stuff), and then spit out results as to the best career matches for us.  It didn't cost us anything.  But it did get us thinking, and exposed us to ideas and options for other careers.  Turned out we were each matched with what we were already doing.  We did go on a bit of a career change adventure which lasted 10 years, and then we each went back to our original career within a year of each other!  Full circle.  

A career coach might be helpful.  But if you are hesitant to spend the money, there are other ways.  There are also lots of resources on the internet.

What questions did you ask yourself.

Do you like to work with people, or with things, or with ideas?  (teacher vs lab tech, vs lawyer)
Do you like to work with your hands/objects "doing things", or with ideas?  (trades or surgeon vs stock market analyst or politician)
Do you like to work inside or outside? (adminstrative vs forestry tech or carpenter)
Do you like to work with words or numbers? (librarian vs accountant)
Do you like methodical work?  Or it that boring?  Do you like to work under pressure?
Do you like to work alone or in a team?
Are you ok with shift work or travel?

Or do I need a psychologist who understands the BPD mother as I am pretty scattered.

For those of us muddling our way through a relationship with a pwBPD, and sorting out the issues that come with being raised by a pwBPD, a clinician or therapist can be super helpful.  In the last year I have discovered that I needed to "learn" to "separate myself" from my mother.  Before that, I always believed I was my "own person", and independent.  I had no clue how emotionally entangled I was.  I didn't know what I didn't know.  Counselling really helped with that, and helped me re-tool with strategies and setting boundaries.  So has this site, and books and books of reading.

She also makes me "dress up" (i'm now in my thirties) when I meet her new friends and often brags about me with things that are not true.

Do you think this could be because "showing you off" reflects well on her?  Sadly, this behavior could be more about her, than you.  Do you oblige her?  Or do you set boundaries?  Are you able to "be yourself", and tell her you will wear what you want around her friends?  Could she/does she accept that?

[Turkish]

My mother had an IQ of 137, certainly smart enough to be an MD, but in the late 60s, that was a small option. Even so, she graduated at the top of her class as an RN from Cook County. Admirable for sure.

She often told me that I should be a nurse, as male nurses had it better than females, though I grew up with her constantly telling me how she hated nursing, the politics. Decade's later I realized that she would have done no better as an MD. She was always a supervisor on whatever job, but could never advance. She blamed others (I think some truth there), but what held her back was her PTSD, Depression, Anxiety and BPD. I felt that she was ashamed that I chose to go to a community college to enter a tech program. She was zero help to get to university. My teachers and counselors saw it. I was in honors classes, in the academic decathelon. We went to State.

I was screwed out of financial aid because she kept claiming me on her taxes. I had moved out on my 18th birthday.  Three years later, I secured a job in the silicon valley.  That was 1992. I left to Oregon to work at a start up and moved back in 2000. A 40% salary increase. Had I done good? Yes. Not good enough.

2012 or 2013, she was visiting us. I was in the 3rd room doing my budget. I had two kids and bought a home in San Jose, no small feat. My mom came into the room and apropos of nothing said, "you should go back to school." Annoyed, yet not missing a beat I flicked a tab on Excel, "this is what I have in my 401(k)." Her jaw dropped, "oh," and she left the room.  My ex pulled similar crap 3 years later trying to advise me financially. I shut her down. Last year, she asked to borrow $25k to pay off her credit card debt. No.

Both instances were about them, not me.

You are you, an individual, of value. Your value as an individual has nothing to do with anyone else.

[orange75]

Thanks Methuen & Turkish!

Next time she tosses one of her career ideas at you, I would be tempted to gently toss the suggestion right back at her and point out it's never too late for her to  go back to school and become what she's saying you should do.  

Very good suggestion. She hasn't worked in years and probably wont for the rest of her life if she can get someone to taking care of her like she is now. So while she doesn't have a traditional job, she does have unrealistic goals that she works on now and again so I could just direct the conversation to be about. Despite, significant "emotional incest," (I was child, advisor, best friend, protege, etc) she will likely remind me that she is the mother and I am the child if I give advice but some light redirection to her interest should work!

She probably sees you as a continuation of herself.  If you do well, then it means she's done well.  A kind of vicarious success story maybe?

This is 100% true, in fact she has said it many times. I am her "golden child."

Also, yes, I do think the career session would benefit me. It would be good to talk to someone independent and see what comes out of my head!

In the last year I have discovered that I needed to "learn" to "separate myself" from my mother.  Before that, I always believed I was my "own person", and independent.  I had no clue how emotionally entangled I was.

As for the psychologist, I used to go to one in college about my mother. That was prior to her BPD diagnosis and I mainly used to sessions to talk through how not to trigger her and how to de-escalate her tantrums/fights on visits home. I am now starting to realize that while I did have a lot of privilege as the "golden child" and many opportunities, there were quit a few things she did that we're very wrong, mainly lack of boundaries, that I hadn't really realized until now. Might be no harm to talk them out!

Do you think this could be because "showing you off" reflects well on her?  Sadly, this behavior could be more about her, than you.  Do you oblige her?  Or do you set boundaries?  Are you able to "be yourself", and tell her you will wear what you want around her friends?  Could she/does she accept that?

Well! This is an interesting development. I guess she has always made lots of comments about my looks, I'm healthy and I like fashion but I'm not really that into flashy/revealing/expensive clothes. Of course I like to look nice but my mother has always liked to dress me up! When I was in secondary school, she used to buy this outrageously flashy things (mortifying for a teenager trying to fit in) and I would beg her to return them (I didn't like wasting the family money) and she would always call me boring!

Now I live far away so I only see her in person a few times a year. She did throw a tantrum this year when I was too tired after jetlag to meet her friends when they changed plans. She said I might as well not have come at all. So I said, I would go and she was criticizing me for not dressing up. She said, you dressed up for your dad's family at Christmas, why wont you dress up for my friends tonight? I told her this was outrageous and that no one else in my adult life cares what I wear (and by the way, it wasn't like I was going to wear sweat pants!) In the end I think I did "make more of an effort" and she still made a comment about ...oh that's what you picked! LOL She is a trip! I guess as I see her so infrequently, I give in to these episodes. I do worry about if I start a family, that I will not have the time and energy to walk on eggshells during my visits.

Turkish, I had a very similar experience at the end of high school. Some support but often mixed with heavy criticism and lots of stress on financial aid.

She blamed others (I think some truth there), but what held her back was her PTSD, Depression,

This was definitely true of my mother. She was very intelligent but ultimately, changed jobs frequently, citing disagreements with management, she thought she should tell them how to run their business and they didn't seem to like it!

Had I done good? Yes. Not good enough.

This is a huge point. Whatever I pick will not be enough for her. In fact, whatever paths I have chosen in the past, she starts to plant seeds of doubt or a new path as that is how her mind works for herself. I need to make this decision for myself, live my full life for me. Leave her out of the picture!

The sad thing is, sometimes she offers really good advice. It is just mixed with so much confusion, baggage, and lack of direction that I don't have the energy to sift through. I just need to pursue this decision on my own and leave her opinions totally out of it!

Thanks to you both for the pep talk!