Learned behaviors that run deep, I turn into a wounded person that attacks

[Depression = 72% of members]

Dear BPD Fam,

When I fear that I have lost approval by those closest to me I turn into a scared and scary person. I project my unhappiness, and my fear of being unloveable onto others. And I declare all the things about the person that I do not "love."  Ex: They are stubborn, selfish, and an  hole. I have a list of transgressions that the other person has done or said to me, and I word vomit it all over them when I feel undervalued. (sound familiar) ? These horrible feelings extend to others not even in the present moment, but I have no problem attacking someone's behavior or worsely their character out of the blue. Ex: My house is messy, my husband mentions it, ( i decide I hate how he makes me feel about my value when he says this, second, I hate how  his mom is a neat freak, and I hate that she is judgemental and has made him the same way.) 

When I say Hate, I mean you can see the venom in my eyes. Its such an incredibly BAD feeling.

Oddly , this happening today helped me understand my mothers common reaction to things, but it is absolutely irrational. I strongly dislike that I am irrational too.

Truly, I am judging my own value, and then H's and then his mothers.

This is cyclical and a learned behavior. I needed and  wanted to admit that even when I am in a state of NC with Mom, I still can and do act like her sometimes.


What could I have said when I was feeling undervalued to step in front of this feeling?

And to be honest the "bad feeling" feels as powerful as a freight train in the moment.

[Imatter33]

Dear BPD Fam,

When I fear that I have lost approval by those closest to me I turn into a scared and scary person. I project my unhappiness, and my fear of being unloveable onto others. And I declare all the things about the person that I do not "love."  Ex: They are stubborn, selfish, and an  hole. I have a list of transgressions that the other person has done or said to me, and I word vomit it all over them when I feel undervalued. (sound familiar) ? These horrible feelings extend to others not even in the present moment, but I have no problem attacking someone's behavior or worsely their character out of the blue. Ex: My house is messy, my husband mentions it, ( i decide I hate how he makes me feel about my value when he says this, second, I hate how  his mom is a neat freak, and I hate that she is judgemental and has made him the same way.) 

When I say Hate, I mean you can see the venom in my eyes. Its such an incredibly BAD feeling.

Oddly , this happening today helped me understand my mothers common reaction to things, but it is absolutely irrational. I strongly dislike that I am irrational too.

Truly, I am judging my own value, and then H's and then his mothers.

This is cyclical and a learned behavior. I needed and  wanted to admit that even when I am in a state of NC with Mom, I still can and do act like her sometimes.


What could I have said when I was feeling undervalued to step in front of this feeling?

And to be honest the "bad feeling" feels as powerful as a freight train in the moment.

[Choosinghope]

Imatter,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. It almost makes everything worse when you realize that now you have to deal with your mother's unwanted legacy as well as her current actions. Having grown up with a mother who does the exact same thing, your post really jumped out at me. As soon as she feels slightly attacked or undervalued or abandoned, the spew of garbage (my dad's own words, many times over) comes out. We think that she regrets it after the fact, but she's never apologized for it.

First, please don't let yourself dwell in shame. The fact that you recognize this struggle and want to change it is so healthy and promising. You can't change the legacy left for you, but you can choose what to do with it. You can and will make progress here. 

Second, I don't know if this is good advice, but it has helped me. My mom's two big reactions are icy silence for weeks at a time and the spew of garbage, as I mentioned. Of the two, I inherited the icy silence tendency, which really is just as bad as the other. I didn't understand how destructive it was or that I was even doing it until my H pointed out one night (after me giving him the silent treatment) that my actions seemed similar to how I've described my mom. That was almost a palpable punch to the gut, because no part of me wants to be associated with her reactions. Since then, whenever I get mad or feel the overwhelming urge to just disconnect and give the silent treatment (and you're right--it does feel like a freight train in the moment), I picture my mom doing that to me as a child. Every time, the image/memory has been repulsive enough for me to "snap out of it" and function like the usually rational adult that I am. Of course, I'm not sure it's entirely healthy to use childhood trauma as a catalyst for change. But it really has helped me to re-train my brain a bit. If that's something that you can very vividly remember about your mom, it might be enough to help you further disassociate yourself from her reactions. I hope that all made sense. Still definitely rooting for you! None of this is easy or fun, but it is so admirable to tackle it and try to become healthier. 

[Methuen]

Good morning imatter,

Oh, "feelings".

I go through these spells too.  I'm guessing we all do.  

The good thing I've noticed is that while they are intense, they do pass, sometimes quickly, sometimes not.  I now have awareness.  When they come, it's pretty awful, but the cognitive part of me is slowly getting better at reminding myself that the misery will pass.  During the misery stage, I can have a nasty edgy tone in my voice, and say edgy things I shouldn't.  Things that can hurt other people.  I'm a work in progress at self-managing what comes out of my mouth (and how it comes out) at these times, because I'm getting feedback from some of my family, and having them tell me this, is a huge motivator to work on myself.  

The good news, is that while we learned this behavior from the BPD mother who raised us, the fact that we learned it means we can also unlearn it.  That's what I'm working on.  

What brings on these spells for me is stress, most often brought on by things outside of my control.

You are doing a ton of self-reflection.  Although the awareness we are developing about ourselves is painful, it also means we are NOT our mothers because our mothers wouldn't be making these posts, or have any desire to work on themselves, right?  I remind myself of that sometimes.  I am NOT my mom.  

You are a good person imatter.   To be human is to have weaknesses.  Our weaknesses don't make us a bad person.  They just give us a project to work on.  

It sounds like you are beating yourself up a bit.  Don't.  Do something nice for yourself today.  Do something you love.  Or go for a healing walk in nature.    Self-care can help these feelings pass sooner. The hate, and the negative and judgemental feelings you are talking about need medicine, and a really good positive medicine is self-love.  Unconditional - no strings attached.  You deserve it.  You are worth it.  What are your thoughts about this?  Do you have strategies to help yourself get through these spells?

We've got this.

[zachira]

Know that it is normal to feel angry about being mistreated, especially with family members and more so when it is our mother, the person who was supposed to love her children unconditionally. In my experience, getting to the underlying sadness behind the anger, allows me to feel compassion for myself and most of the time gives me peace whenever I feel triggered and want to wound those family members with BPD and others who are cruel. Take time to feel the sadness while realizing that you will be angry at times over how unfair it is to not have the love and respect any child/adult deserves from their mother. I also think that this anger can be productive in mobilizing us to protect other children and adults from abuse. I personally don't like to see anybody mistreated, and have to constantly remind myself to reach out to the person being mistreated while realizing I can't do much to help the abuser. Don't be too hard on yourself. I have these spells of anger too, and constantly have to work on limiting how long I feel angry and returning to a more calm compassionate state of mind.

[Josie2020]

I think we sometimes feel betrayed by people who hurt us, so much so that we react too strongly in order to break the bridge with the person who wronged us. That way, we don't have to deal with the criticism that we are self conscious over since we "drove" the person away anyway.

[Harri]

Hi imatter.  

These horrible feelings extend to others not even in the present moment, but I have no problem attacking someone's behavior or worsely their character out of the blue.

What are the feelings that underlie the anger and rage?  Can you tap into that?

If you take a look at the Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking - Burns MD it may help you uncover a lot of the underlying stuff that can happen for us when other people trigger us and it brings up buried hurts and we lash out unreasonably.  The article I linked above also has a link on how to untwist your thoughts.  

Another thing, perhaps even more helpful and applicable is the article Pete Walker has on the Outer Critic and check out our article on Emotional Flashbacks.  Sometimes all of the things I mentioned are in play when we react the way you describe.

We talk about the Inner Critic a lot here but the Outer Critic comes into play in a lot of our relationships as well and are quite damaging.  When I refer to my own 'craptacular behaviors' it is usually in relation to our outer critic.  I liken it to coming up swinging at the least hint of disapproval or even the smallest of criticisms when there is nothing to swing at.  No one is out to get me or put me down but it sure feels like it.  Often times our reactions are linked to old wounds but not always.  Lets face it, we too have our own wounds and are just as capable of projection as anyone else is and can have our own form of jerk-like behaviors.  We can call this learned behaviors and I agree many are learned.  Some though are the way we learned to cope, or rather not cope.  Regardless of where they came from, we need to change them if we want healthy relationships.

It sounds to me like you got triggered.  I generally hate that term for a few reasons but the main one is that to me it lessens the responsibility we have for our behaviors.

See what you think of the articles.

BTW, I want to add here that you are not alone in this.  

Awareness, self-awareness, understanding what is going on are all necessary to be able to unlearn the behaviors or to learn new ways of responding so I am very glad you are ready for the next step ---> changing the behaviors and thought patterns.

 

[Thanks]

Hi, Imatter,

For what it's worth, psychologists tell us that the emotion underlying anger is fear, and this link happens early in childhood. Our anger comes from fear - of abandonment, harm, etc. When I'm angry (right now I'm angry b/c our property manager can't tell me what our new rent will be in time for me to look elsewhere) it's b/c I am afraid (e.g. that I will have to find a new place in a hurry).

So there is likely some fear inside you when you strike out at someone? Understanding this has really helped me, hope it helps you too.

Good luck and welcome; you have lots of company here!

[Imatter33]

Hi all,
An update. First big thank you's and hugs all around.  Someone asked if I had developed coping when things like this happen, and yes there is one huge coping mechanism now. You. The fact that BPD family has been in my corner for a solid year now is such a blessing. When the dust settled and I extended my apologies to my H, I knew I was going to ask for help here and that does help me cope with my estranged mom relationship, but also it helps me deal with some unspoken childhood trauma or PTSD.

I had felt like a collossal failure earlier this week, not only with the incident shared in this post, but then another emotional twister t (tornado) the very next day.

Hi, Imatter,

For what it's worth, psychologists tell us that the emotion underlying anger is fear, and this link happens early in childhood. Our anger comes from fear - of abandonment, harm, etc. ).

So there is likely some fear inside you when you strike out at someone?

There is within me massive massive amounts of fear. I type fear out and I feel tears welling up. Fear definently brings anger. Fear brings out my jealousy also. If I am jealous at someone's ability to do something well, and I am not gifted in the area, or perhaps I struggle immensenly in an area that I see someone else prosper, I am jealous. But layered in the jealousy is really the fear that I am not loveable because I cannot do something.
Fear of disappointing others, or fear of rejection over abilities that I do not have. Fear of not knowing what the expectations are and then fearing an angry response that I did not meet an unexpressed need.

How can I live with all that fear weighing me down all the time?
Thats so many fears. Anger is an easier emotion to let out then your fear isn't it? I feel tougher when I am angry, but what a facade. My inner child is terrified.

See what you think of the articles.

BTW, I want to add here that you are not alone in this. 

Awareness, self-awareness, understanding what is going on are all necessary to be able to unlearn the behaviors or to learn new ways of responding so I am very glad you are ready for the next step ---> changing the behaviors and thought patterns.
 

You always know where to point me too. Thanks Harri, I haven't done as much digging as I want to yet on these but by skimming only I have been blown away.

I think we sometimes feel betrayed by people who hurt us, so much so that we react too strongly in order to break the bridge with the person who wronged us. That way, we don't have to deal with the criticism that we are self conscious over since we "drove" the person away anyway.

Hi Josie,
This would help explain why I would say the horrible statement of "I hate you." to the person I love the most. I think I have the tools to handle criticism the right way...if I were to stay in the present. Working on this.

Take time to feel the sadness while realizing that you will be angry at times over how unfair it is to not have the love and respect any child/adult deserves from their mother.
 I have these spells of anger too, and constantly have to work on limiting how long I feel angry and returning to a more calm compassionate state of mind.

Zacharia,
Thank you for mentioning the unfairness of having a BPD mom/family member.
 At times that word is like a no-no in our society. But along with the unfairness of it comes the necessary and rightful feeling of justified anger.
Limiting that anger like you said is the trick, returning to a calm state of mind. I want to average a better time frame then 5-6 hours! The exhaustion after the anger is another killer of time.
Thanks for your point of view.
 

The good news, is that while we learned this behavior from the BPD mother who raised us, the fact that we learned it means we can also unlearn it. {AMEN METHUEN)
You are doing a ton of self-reflection.  Although the awareness we are developing about ourselves is painful, it also means we are NOT our mothers because our mothers wouldn't be making these posts, or have any desire to work on themselves, right?  I remind myself of that sometimes.  I am NOT my mom. 

You are a good person imatter.   To be human is to have weaknesses.  Our weaknesses don't make us a bad person.  They just give us a project to work on. 

Imatter,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. It almost makes everything worse when you realize that now you have to deal with your mother's unwanted legacy as well as her current actions. Having grown up with a mother who does the exact same thing, your post really jumped out at me. As soon as she feels slightly attacked or undervalued or abandoned, the spew of garbage (my dad's own words, many times over) comes out. We think that she regrets it after the fact, but she's never apologized for it.
Please don't let yourself dwell in shame. The fact that you recognize this struggle and want to change it is so healthy and promising. You can't change the legacy left for you, but you can choose what to do with it. You can and will make progress here. 
None of this is easy or fun, but it is so admirable to tackle it and try to become healthier. 

I do want to change and there are not a whole lot of affirmations coming from my FOO. Maybe a silent acceptance, but to be championed here for trying to change, messing up, and then trying again...is so appreciated!

[Methuen]

We're right there beside you working through the same kinds of "stuff".  Like you, I feel a lot of gratitude for this community that understands and supports each other. Without our bpdfamily, it's almost impossible to conceive how much emotionally "poorer" I would be, how emotionally stunted I would be, how trapped I would feel, etc.  While I still have bad days, they are "days", and not "indefinite years".  So I guess what I'm saying, is we're right there beside you walking a similar path imatter!

It sounds like you are feeling a bit better...  Conquered another one!

Moving forward