My ex is sleeping with someone else

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'll be very upfront about this. I was spying on my ex and I found out some hurtful things.

You can read my whole story in my other post.

Anyhow, since my ex left so suddenly, I know her Facebook and Google passwords (and she incredibly hasn't changed them [I guess she simply doesn't care if I spy on her or not]). Apparently she hasn't been using Facebook at all since our breakup a month ago. In order to know if she's well, I've been checking on her YouTube history. She's been checking mostly music videos and some crazy stuff like tarot card readings.

On occasions, I've also read her emails. I've been sending her emails because I wanted her back in my life (I miss her). So I've been checking her email to see if she's been reading the emails I've sent her (she has). Anyhow, I opened it today only to find out she went to an apartment complex today at 7 pm. There's a movement restriction in my country because of COVID-19, so wherever she is, she's spending the night there.

I guess I always suspected she was seeing other guys. And I suspected as well it would not be long before she was seeing someone else. It still hurts. We were together four years. I made sure she got a job and her GED. I gave her clothes, three different smartphones, and everything else she might need. Last words she told (on WhatsApp) were "I hate you". A month later, I'm still heartbroken and she's PLEASE READing someone else.

I don't feel well.

[anonymous_tico]

I'll be very upfront about this. I was spying on my ex and I found out some hurtful things.

You can read my whole story in my other post.

Anyhow, since my ex left so suddenly, I know her Facebook and Google passwords (and she incredibly hasn't changed them [I guess she simply doesn't care if I spy on her or not]). Apparently she hasn't been using Facebook at all since our breakup a month ago. In order to know if she's well, I've been checking on her YouTube history. She's been checking mostly music videos and some crazy stuff like tarot card readings.

On occasions, I've also read her emails. I've been sending her emails because I wanted her back in my life (I miss her). So I've been checking her email to see if she's been reading the emails I've sent her (she has). Anyhow, I opened it today only to find out she went to an apartment complex today at 7 pm. There's a movement restriction in my country because of COVID-19, so wherever she is, she's spending the night there.

I guess I always suspected she was seeing other guys. And I suspected as well it would not be long before she was seeing someone else. It still hurts. We were together four years. I made sure she got a job and her GED. I gave her clothes, three different smartphones, and everything else she might need. Last words she told (on WhatsApp) were "I hate you". A month later, I'm still heartbroken and she's PLEASE READing someone else.

I don't feel well.

[thejimmy]

Hey anonymous_tico,

This seems to be a recurring pattern here. The way you describe your relationship, it sounds like you were providing for her, caring for her and putting her above your needs in a way.

All people want a partner with a strong personality of their own. For people with BPD it seems to be a requirement. If you are weak, they will destroy you in the process.

Tell us more about how the relationship was like.

[anonymous_tico]

Tell us more about how the relationship was like.

I did provide for her, sometimes literally, giving her an allowance while she was without a job (I gave her several thousand dollars).

She failed to mention she lived with her husband for two and a half years. She had told me they were separated, and her husband had her own apartment. When she wasn’t working, I urged her to ask her husband for alimony. She was so good at gaslighting me. It wasn’t until a drug dealer texted her that she confessed she was buying drugs for her husband (and herself), and that they lived together in a rundown house in the mountains. That also came to explain why after years of being together she never took me back to her place (she used to say she was embarrassed of where she lived).

About a year ago, she started sexting a guy she met on Tinder. I found very explicit photos in her phone. Eventually, she started carrying her phone with her wherever she went (even when taking a shower). The affair went on for many months. Whenever I would confront her about him, she said my attitude made her “want to keep on doing it even more”. It only stopped after the guy dumped her. I only found out because of her YouTube search history (“Why does a guy ghost you after getting what he wants?” and similar titles). When I confronted her about her search history, she made me believe those videos had appeared in her YouTube front page and she was only watching them for fun. I was so naive.

This is the most extreme of many examples. Once I found her speaking to a guy on Messenger who kept reminding her of the massages he used to give her. More than once, I found her texting people whom I knew she had dated in the past. She was always sorry and she always had an excuse. She made me feel like it was my fault she did those things.

About a week before she left, we had a phone conversation. I told her I wished she would be more caring and appreciative. She told me she was the only person whom ever gave me company (almost as if saying I should’ve been the one who needed to more appreciative). Well, she wasn’t wrong. Ever since she left, I am almost completely alone. I’m desperate and she is sleeping with someone else while I write this message.

[erick1991]

I did provide for her, sometimes literally, giving her an allowance while she was without a job (I gave her several thousand dollars).

She failed to mention she lived with her husband for two and a half years. She had told me they were separated, and her husband had her own apartment. When she wasn’t working, I urged her to ask her husband for alimony. She was so good at gaslighting me. It wasn’t until a drug dealer texted her that she confessed she was buying drugs for her husband (and herself), and that they lived together in a rundown house in the mountains. That also came to explain why after years of being together she never took me back to her place (she used to say she was embarrassed of where she lived).

About a year ago, she started sexting a guy she met on Tinder. I found very explicit photos in her phone. Eventually, she started carrying her phone with her wherever she went (even when taking a shower). The affair went on for many months. Whenever I would confront her about him, she said my attitude made her “want to keep on doing it even more”. It only stopped after the guy dumped her. I only found out because of her YouTube search history (“Why does a guy ghost you after getting what he wants?” and similar titles). When I confronted her about her search history, she made me believe those videos had appeared in her YouTube front page and she was only watching them for fun. I was so naive.

This is the most extreme of many examples. Once I found her speaking to a guy on Messenger who kept reminding her of the massages he used to give her. More than once, I found her texting people whom I knew she had dated in the past. She was always sorry and she always had an excuse. She made me feel like it was my fault she did those things.

About a week before she left, we had a phone conversation. I told her I wished she would be more caring and appreciative. She told me she was the only person whom ever gave me company (almost as if saying I should’ve been the one who needed to more appreciative). Well, she wasn’t wrong. Ever since she left, I am almost completely alone. I’m desperate and she is sleeping with someone else while I write this message.

Eventually, she started carrying her phone with her wherever she went (even when taking a shower). The affair went on for many months. Whenever I would confront her about him, she said my attitude made her “want to keep on doing it even more”. It only stopped after the guy dumped her.

I'm about 10 weeks or so into this myself, my ex blew up a 9 year relationship out of the blue. I found inappropriate texts on her phone from a guy who she had just met, nothing explicit, rather sexual propositions like inviting her over to watch a movie at night. You can read the entire story if you're interested in my original post, but there are some parallels here. When I talked to her about these texts, she refused to acknowledge what they were, and instead started doing the same thing back to me that you experienced. She identically told me "you telling me not to do this makes me want to do it more." Hardly the way you'd want your future wife / mother of your children to handle that. Everything except taking responsibility. Well, she's already with this guy after leaving me and telling me she "wasn't in a place to be in a relationship" and had to "go work on herself." We were in a very serious, 9 year relationship. We had recently made offers on houses together, were starting to talk more and more about marriage and children etc.

I was left looking for answers she couldn't provide, she started "painting me black" (without me knowing what that was) She'd try to start conflict, accuse me of doing things she'd actually done, effectively trying to make me out to be the "bad guy" in the situation. After the breakup, she continued contacting me to try and bait me into conflicts over petty stuff. I ended up blocking all forms of communication from her except email, and it's really helped. I stopped looking at her social media, where she's posting pics with this new guy left and right. I asked casual friends who don't know whats going on to stop sending me the pics and asking me what is going on. Seeing her life & communicating with her would drag me right back into it and I'd move backwards immediately in my healing process. I had to cease all communication with her family, who had become like my family after 9 years, because it was too triggering when her mom or dad would say these things (innocent stuff like I just took the dog out for a walk) that would bring me back mentally to the good old days. Those are gone. I have to accept that, day in and day out, and remind myself she wasn't capable of being what I need in a longterm life partner. She has BPD.

I still am struggling with bouncing back and forth between remembering who I thought she was and who she ended up being, big time because throughout our relationship, she either wasn't this way or just spent 9 years manipulating the S*** out of me. And she was good! The way I've STARTED to find peace is when my therapist told me to do research on BPD. I've began to accept that it wasn't me. It's her distorted thinking and self image that caused her to behave that way. She was incapable of maintaining a longterm, healthy relationship because she would resent me, not tell me, and then just push me away and act out.

You seem like a caring, genuinely concerned partner. I'm the same way. I know I deserve someone who can love me the way I loved her, and she couldn't. I have to constantly remind myself of that.

[anonymous_tico]

How can I stop myself from spying on her? I'm just glad I don't have access to something more personal, like her iCloud account (that way I would be able to look at her photos). When she gave me back one of her old smartphones, I (almost) immediately reset it to factory default. In a way, I knew a day like this would come when I wouldn't be able to control myself.

I'm no longer the center of her attention and I need to accept this.

I blocked her on Facebook and deleted any single mention of her from her email.

[erick1991]

How can I stop myself from spying on her? I'm just glad I don't have access to something more personal, like her iCloud account (that way I would be able to look at her photos). When she gave me back one of her old smartphones, I (almost) immediately reset it to factory default. In a way, I knew a day like this would come when I wouldn't be able to control myself.

I'm no longer the center of her attention and I need to accept this.

I blocked her on Facebook and deleted any single mention of her from her email.

For me, it was accepting that I cannot change her behavior and it’s a result of a personality disorder. Her behavior afterwards was very hurtful, and I just made the decision that I didn’t want to continue to be hurt by her selfish actions. It’s so completely unhinged that I realized and accepted I’m not dealing with someone whose thinking logically, and I’d rather not know because I don’t realistically believe she’s a fit life partner for me as a result of what she did. It was her decision, not mine. She lost someone who loved her deeply. Clearly, I didn’t.

Now, I struggle with going back and forth on that every day., I blocked her immediately, but at first i was still looking at her(private) Instagram page where I could only see the top stats (followers number of pics and number of following) to see if she’d deleted our pics or posted new photos that could have been with a guy. It drove me crazy and kept me stuck. I’ve done better since I stopped.

[Cromwell]

I'm no longer the center of her attention and I need to accept this.

It is always going to be a sting when feelings have been strong and then now left to feel irrelevant.

be careful of the possibility that she could become aware of reading her emails and that knock on effect she could tell the guy she is with that you are stalking her, creating a white knight of sorts to reel him in closer. It just maybe my own suspicious mind, but there is something iffy about a woman who takes her phone to the shower and now seems very lax about changing her passwords as you say you think she doesnt care if you read them or not. Just one angle I see from my vista here.

[anonymous_tico]

be careful of the possibility that she could become aware of reading her emails and that knock on effect she could tell the guy she is with that you are stalking her, creating a white knight of sorts to reel him in closer.

To be fair, I am stalking her. I don't want anyone else to suffer this nightmare.

It just maybe my own suspicious mind, but there is something iffy about a woman who takes her phone to the shower and now seems very lax about changing her passwords as you say you think she doesnt care if you read them or not.

I also find it very troubling. I'm pretty sure she knows because she deleted all her Uber receipts. Back when we were together, she would've immediately changed her passwords. I wonder if she's up to something.

[Cromwell]

there is the potential of stumbling across something either left intentionally for you. It could be a source of compounding distress, the nature of it is anyone's guess or imagination - just a heads up.

I just see from cost/benefit angle, Im not sure what there is to gain but there could be negatives.  she sounds the volatile, troubled, past history markers: substance misuse, suicidal threats when your only motive was to make her a bit jealous.

I think at this moment in time, maybe try to refrain from this if it is only making matters worse.

can I ask, do you see yourself as being in a vulnerable place right now?

[anonymous_tico]

I think at this moment in time, maybe try to refrain from this if it is only making matters worse.

can I ask, do you see yourself as being in a vulnerable place right now?

I’m trying. I deleted her phone number. I blocked her from all social media. I’m gathering my strength to delete all emails and photos (I no longer have any remaining conversations with her). It’s just so hard. I basically only have access to her email and YouTube history. She’s been deleting her emails immediately after receiving them and hasn’t been using YouTube. I feel like she’s upset I found out she was with someone else. Or maybe she’s upset I deleted the letters I had written for her. In any case, she’s been keeping me in the dark.

By the way, I found a letter I had written to her husband, quite obviously before I found out they were still living together. I have no idea how she got out of this one, but she was (understandably) pretty mad when she found out (and read the letter). I can’t believe I was so deluded. Sometimes I feel like I still am.

Hey, XX. You haven't been replying to my messages so I thought I'd send you an email instead.

I don't mean you any harm, XX. There is just so much going on that I don't know of my whole world feels like it's upside down.

There was a time when I pictured myself and Paula growing old together, buying a house, having kids, etc. This is obviously impossible since she's already married to you and also since I can feel her feelings for me fading away into nothingness.

Ours has been an amazing relationship. She took care of me while I was depressed and in turn I helped her put her life back together. She stopped working at massage parlors. She got her GED. She stopped hoarding. She stopped drinking and doing drugs. And she managed to get two different jobs at two different call centers.

We also spent plenty of time dealing with her borderline personality disorder.

Bottomline is I'm not a bad guy. Ever since I met her I've had her long-term interests in mind. And even at this very moment, when everything feels wrong, I just want what's best for her.

I won't be bothering you anymore, XX. I sincerely apologize for my behavior the past few days. It's a shame we never got to meet each other.

Sincerely, anonymous_tico.

[anonymous_tico]

 

I texted a man whom I thought she might be sleeping with and whom I know she slept with in the past (the guy she met on Tinder). I don't know why I was so impulsive. I haven't been thinking nor acting straight since Sunday. I was only trying to warn him. He got very aggressive. He said he knew who I was and that he was going to beat me up (obviously a bluff, since I used a fake account). I kind of wish he did. First, it would be fun to call the cops on someone. Second, I don't really care about anything anymore. Someone threatening to kill me because I said my ex is married, unstable and sleeps around a lot really doesn't make me squirm. Not right now, at least. That being said, I don't know why I'm behaving this way. It's funny, by the way, this guy having such a big moral high ground when he slept with and later ostracized a woman he knew was (in at least) one relationship (and probably had a threesome with her).

If I really wanted to hurt her, I wouldn't even be targeting her PLEASE READboys. My ex doesn't care about them at all. The only person she cares about, other than herself, is her husband. I've been thinking about emailing and/or calling her husband. I've barely mentioned her husband so far. He's an elderly man (65 years old). Sometimes I suspect he might be abused by her (other than the constant affairs). It would probably be devastating for him, but she's only sucking his retirement money. Then again, if I do that, she'll want revenge. And right now I feel like she hates me more than any other person in the world (how dare I found out she's sleeping with someone else?).

I don't feel well.

[thejimmy]

anonymous_tico,

Listen, you got to detach. Now.

Don't try to force yourself not to "stalk" her. Yeah of course, block her on everything but if you are really feeling needy you'll just unblock her again.

The key here is to untangle her from your life, and from your mind.

You are NOT a victim. And you are not anybody's savior. They only thing that should be on your mind now is to get back on your path in life. That means having your own plans, and recreating a vision for your life that does NOT include her.

That means waking up every morning, not dreaming of thinking of her, but looking forward to your day. Going to sleep and not feeling that you "need" her there, physically or mentally.

I think there is a pretty good guide here in the forum for detaching and moving on. You should check that out.

And last thing. Your brain will probably automatically try to find ways to incorporate her back in your life. That's a no no. You don't need to save anyone from her, no need to warn anyone. Everybody makes their choices and yours should be to move the f on. At some point in the past, you didn't need her. You can reach that point again. I believe in you.

Hope for the best.

[Cromwell]

tico, how are you feeling since? I know you say this is impulsive, the text to the guy, it is done now.

Has there been any revenge fantasies against Paula.

I had plenty for my ex, they are a healthy component on the road outta dodge city. Its part of the process.

What id say for where you are at now, you know you are unwell, you want help. For me, this place was part of it, it is anonymous, you can vent, I was allowed to offload steam - I encourage you to do the same whenever you feel the need to. Seek out those that are skilled to help, Paula et al, they are not competent even if inclined to want to manage your feelings. Her phone, her clothes, her GED - none of these things can whitewash an underlying personality disorder. It isnt your remit, your responsibility, although it may have felt during the relationship it was, you did put in effort, this is past-tense. Transition to the reality - you are not married to her, there are no children, you are not responsible for any future guys she has in her life either. At the moment you having some very difficult days, it is numero one time Tico - focus on yourself getting better, who else will. You can bounce back from this one, we are here with you along the way. You are also skilled to know who else can help, it is available, take as much as you can and stay safe in the meantime. 100% self care at this difficult time you are facing, you are in no position at all to be helping anyone else.

[anonymous_tico]

Thanks for the replies.

Truth is, I have been having revenge fantasies and have been doing my best not to do anything stupid (again). I’m not the type of guy that hurts people, or even threatens them. I’m a pacifist for God’s sake.

I don’t want revenge on Paula. Not really. She’s sick. And the guys she’s with probably have their own issues.

Honestly, I do feel like a victim. I feel like everyone is this forum has been the victim of a wicked game. I definitely know I’m nobody’s savior. I guess what I truly wanted was to see if someone else could relate to me.

Right now, I’m having difficulty focusing on my job. I have difficulty concentrating. All I want to do is sleep and I can’t because I’m unable to get her out of my head.

[Cromwell]

Honestly, I do feel like a victim. I feel like everyone is this forum has been the victim of a wicked game.

I only define a game if it is something declared openly as such, has clear rules, defines how to win or lose, one that I can voluntarily participate in not just wake up in the middle of and feel I got dragged in unwittingly.

staying no contact is partially a living testimony to not wishing to play again. I did at times partake, it was still not openly clear what was going on, I held hope it was not a game did not entirely see it as such. Whatever it was, I dont see either side can call themselves a "winner" or "loser", it was just really bizarre and banal and as time went on, repetitive, predictable, boring.

I dont relate to being a victim tico, I dont have the compulsive need to play. That is where I am different from her. I wanted something else more fulfilling and meaningful, it did not materialise, end of, I drew a line under it. besides, I never signed up for mind games from the outset.

[JNChell]

Hello, anonymous_tico. I’m very sorry for the heavy feelings that you are currently shouldering. Please understand that many of us have done the same and we understand. That’s why we’re here for you. You feel really bad and don’t know what to do. You’re panicking. That’s what I did when I was on to S5’s mom being with another man. The feelings were terrible. It felt like torture. I’m not afraid to say that those feelings might have aged me a bit. Don’t do this to yourself.

You’re not feeling well. I understand what that means within the confines of what is being discussed. It’s just so damn hard to give ourselves a break from it. To give our mind a rest so that we can do the same. I’m saying “we” because this is a community of peers that are experiencing pain due to situations just like yours. You are not alone . You can express and talk about anything that you want to here. You can also engage other members when you read something that is similar to your situation. We’re here for you.

Revenge. I remember having those feelings. I don’t know what to say about that that will actually help you. Your emotions are very strong right now which is understandable. You’ve toed the line as far as revenge goes. You sent a text. Did sending the text make you feel better, or did it cause more anxiety? Impulsive feelings and their reactions can really set us back. I could type for 3 hours describing how my impulsivity has affected the dynamic between S5’s mom and myself. No matter how right or factual I was, I was trying to prove my case to a person that will never see it. She won’t negotiate or try to find reason. She sees what she sees, and it’s very triggering. We’ve been split for going on 3 years. From the outside looking in, it is what it is. We trigger each other, and that will never work.

I understand how loud the noise in your head is. I understand the insomnia. I get those feelings and they’re awful. It took me feeling like this after a few relationships to start looking within. The sleeplessness, the sobbing, the not really knowing why. The thoughts of revenge. The aggression. I somehow stumbled into looking at myself and my past. My childhood.

You’re going to be ok. Cool your jets and try to center yourself. Let’s get you through this. There is a whole community that is here to help you and listen to you.

[anonymous_tico]

Hi, everyone. I'd like to personally thank those who replied for being there with me during a very difficult time in my life. Paula never did text back. I believe she might've changed her email address (hence, the reason why she never did change her passwords). I doubt I'll ever see her again and that makes me feel empty inside.

I'm doing well. I've been taking antidepressants for nearly 3 weeks and I can see them beginning to work. I feel less anxious and less sad as times goes by. Nevertheless, I still think about Paula every single day. Mostly, I wonder if she's okay and I wonder if she misses any part of our relationship.

I've made an intimate friend who stays over every now and then. It's definitely not a long term thing (23-year-old tattoo artist), but at least I have someone whom to hang with every now and then during the quarantine.

Some days are easier than others. Some days I wake up feeling empty inside. Being alone really puts a lot of pressure in your head. I hope one day I wake up and don't think about her at all.

[JNChell]

It’s nice to see that you’re feeling better. However, I can’t help but notice the somewhat sudden turn. Making new friends is nice. Is it accurate to say that your new friendship is sexual? Just remember to give yourself the space to grieve and process “Paula”. Stuffing those feelings won’t help.

Medication helps a lot of people that are struggling. I’m glad that you found something that is helping you.

[stressftw]

Man im very sorry to see what you have been through.
I can relate what you are feeling since i got discarded 2 months ago and my ex-pwbpd already had someone lined up rightafter the dump. Im still recoverying but im slowly recoverying, whenever thoughts about her pop in my head, i get in this forum and i know that im not alone, this makes me feel alot better. I had her accounts too, i made her change it so i couldnt see anything anymore. im also in no contact for almost 2 months. I dont expect to see or hear from her. She blocked me everywhere because she couldnt deal with the shame of seeing me and knowing the terrible things she did to someone who loved her so deeply. Im a reminder of how bad of a person she is, thus, this makes me the devil of her life. She needs to cut and repeat the cycle with someone else hoping it to be different now, she cant deal with the emotional trail of destruction she leaves.  The thing is, she doesnt even know what shes doing. Which is sad, because she is the one who is losing more with all of it. She already had 9 boyfriends, and she PLEASE READed up every single relationship she went. I was the most PLEASE READed up because i was the longest relationship she had.(2years)

[anonymous_tico]

It’s nice to see that you’re feeling better. However, I can’t help but notice the somewhat sudden turn. Making new friends is nice. Is it accurate to say that your new friendship is sexual? Just remember to give yourself the space to grieve and process “Paula”. Stuffing those feelings won’t help.

It is kind of sudden. I still think about Paula a lot. We have lots of nice memories together. I still haven't been able to delete her pictures from my phone and a couple of days ago I got sad looking at her pictures. I want to store them in an external hard drive.

I have a new friend. She is a 23-year-old tattoo artist. She also hosts a youth TV show on national television. She has two little kids, a boy and a girl, but they live with their grandmother. She's been keeping me company the last few weeks. It's become a sexual relationship. I don't think I'm becoming particularly attached to her, but I am worried I might be leading her on. It's nice to know other girls can still like you. After such a stormy relationship, you end up feeling damaged.