Question about how to ask questions here :)

[Mountain Lake]

Hello community,

I am new here myself, but have been referring people to this site for years for support! It feels good/awkward/exciting/scary - to put my own questions out here too.

Before I do that, I actually have a question about asking questions. I am unsure which board to be on, because my partner, (nor I, to be fair) have been officially dx'd with a personality disorder. Is it okay to be here if I suspect it? I am in the counseling profession myself, so I have pretty good radar. My partner's brother has been officially dx'd with BPD, and his other family members, as well as one of my ex's, (and possibly other family members on my end) have also displayed many of the characteristic traits of someone who suffers either from BPD, or traits of NPD, among others. So we both have suffered from being in relationships with people who have varying degrees of these syndromes.

So, my question is this: we have been stuck for a very long time in our relationship. Obviously it isn't appropriate for me to be the 'counselor' as well as the 'partner' in our relationships. But, I recognize a lot of patterns that we are both stuck in, and we both feel like the other is driving us crazy, like we "Can't get through to them." I offered to post a portion of one of our text message threads on a forum for some non-biased feedback from the group at large. There is no swearing or name calling, just patterns of "trying to get through to the other". I am getting confused in my personal life whether I am setting appropriate boundaries, vs asking for what I need in a healthy way, vs really not being fair to him.

So, given all of that: Is this the kind of thing I can post here for feedback? (ie: a transcript of the conversation)

And if so, is this the correct board for these kinds of questions?

THANK YOU ALL for being out there, and for being 'in this together'. (Ahhhh, no pun intended. I do that a lot. ;)

With thanks,
Mountain Lake

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Mountain Lake, and

youre on the right board

So, given all of that: Is this the kind of thing I can post here for feedback? (ie: a transcript of the conversation)

yes. frankly, the more you share, in terms of the he said/she said, the better, the more we can help.

i would really encourage you not to share this forum, or the advice you receive with your partner, for a multitude of reasons. treat this as your special place for one on one support.

[Mountain Lake]

Thank you Once Removed. Sorry it took me a while to see that you had replied; I just learned today how to check appropriately for replies.

That is a good point about using this for my own personal support. I actually had that thought come to me last night after I posted my first big "ask" of the group, before anyone had responded. For my own education, can you share a bit more when you say "for a multitude of reasons"? The few that I can think of are:

1.) that way people feel more free to respond to the person posting directly
 2.) the other person who is not in the conversation (the partner) will not feel misunderstood/triangulated/mis-represented.
3.) The partner may want to respond with their own thoughts, and then can't, which is not fair to the partner.
4.) This is for personal support, which is a different kind of healing journey than when it is opened up to others.

Any that I missed?

We both did agree to get some anonymous feedback, just for the record here, but I will definitely share with him that it is not recommended, and I know he will be supportive of that.

Thanks again,
Mountain Lake

[Mountain Lake]

PS:

Hi again Once Removed. To expand on the first point, I am guessing because it is not fair to the group here, who is responding in a private chat group, to then share their responses outside the chat. Right?

[once removed]

1.) that way people feel more free to respond to the person posting directly
 2.) the other person who is not in the conversation (the partner) will not feel misunderstood/triangulated/mis-represented.
3.) The partner may want to respond with their own thoughts, and then can't, which is not fair to the partner.
4.) This is for personal support, which is a different kind of healing journey than when it is opened up to others.

all of these are great reasons, as good as any.

if you and i were in a relationship, and you knew i shared our story with a bunch of strangers on the internet (or even, for that matter, with a professional therapist), sought their feedback, and then started acting on it, how would you feel? how would anyone feel?

youd want to know about it. youd want to share your side of the story. and then its two people competing against each other.

so, whats going on?