Ways to hold on to reality

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Ok everyone. I have been wrestling with this a lot the last few weeks, and I figured it might be good to throw this out there and see where you are all with it.

Something that I think is pretty universal is that pwBPD kind of make their own reality and tend to force that reality on everyone around them. I know that this is typically from an inability to cope with hard things (abandonment, shame, etc.). I understand, kind of, the why of what happens. What I am struggling with is how to not let their reality make me question my own sanity.

Every time I talk to my mom now or even hear from someone else something that she has said, I go through a period of time where I heavily doubt myself, my perceptions, and my morality. I know that growing up, mothers have a lot of influence over their children, and hers apparently did not end when I moved out. Over the last year of being the black child, she has told me a LOT of things that are not true, don't make sense, and are just plain hurtful. Yet, she can couch all of it with, "I just say this because I love you so much and care about you." Every time I talk to my dad, he tells me, "I want you to know that your mother and I both love you so much." The longer this goes on, I am understanding that it is emotional manipulation. This all kind of came to a head recently. I talked to my youngest sister, and I was asking from her perspective what is going on with my mom, because I still feel like I have only half the narrative about how I turned into a demon. The conversation was very careful, and I think that we both did a very good job of not triangulating, so that was a success. I didn't learn much, but she did say that my mom has told her many times that she is just worried that I'm letting my new H, who she apparently never liked (though I have documents that say otherwise) turn me away from my faith and lead me down a path of shame and regret. That I'm walking away from the values I was taught growing up. So, in the name of concern for my spiritual well-being, she can justify acting the way she has--out of love. ?

Ok, for me, this is the ultimate manipulation and almost a form of gaslighting. My mom knows that my faith is extremely important to me. Even with everything I've learned the last months, I was still struck with that horrible feeling of "I'm a terrible person, what's wrong with me, How can I even live with myself." I was awake most of that night wrestling with very intense shame and guilt over who I was, and I finally just had to get up, write everything out, and then next to it write down what is actually real. Once I was able to see it written out, it struck me how ridiculous she's being. But, she obviously still has the ability to make me intensely doubt reality and even my sanity at times. (Did she really say that? Did I really say that? Is that actually what I believe?, etc).

Here are my questions: How do you all keep hold of your sanity? How do you stay grounded when your pwBPD tries to shift reality on you? What are strategies or suggestions that have helped you all deal with this problem? Thanks! 

[Choosinghope]

Ok everyone. I have been wrestling with this a lot the last few weeks, and I figured it might be good to throw this out there and see where you are all with it.

Something that I think is pretty universal is that pwBPD kind of make their own reality and tend to force that reality on everyone around them. I know that this is typically from an inability to cope with hard things (abandonment, shame, etc.). I understand, kind of, the why of what happens. What I am struggling with is how to not let their reality make me question my own sanity.

Every time I talk to my mom now or even hear from someone else something that she has said, I go through a period of time where I heavily doubt myself, my perceptions, and my morality. I know that growing up, mothers have a lot of influence over their children, and hers apparently did not end when I moved out. Over the last year of being the black child, she has told me a LOT of things that are not true, don't make sense, and are just plain hurtful. Yet, she can couch all of it with, "I just say this because I love you so much and care about you." Every time I talk to my dad, he tells me, "I want you to know that your mother and I both love you so much." The longer this goes on, I am understanding that it is emotional manipulation. This all kind of came to a head recently. I talked to my youngest sister, and I was asking from her perspective what is going on with my mom, because I still feel like I have only half the narrative about how I turned into a demon. The conversation was very careful, and I think that we both did a very good job of not triangulating, so that was a success. I didn't learn much, but she did say that my mom has told her many times that she is just worried that I'm letting my new H, who she apparently never liked (though I have documents that say otherwise) turn me away from my faith and lead me down a path of shame and regret. That I'm walking away from the values I was taught growing up. So, in the name of concern for my spiritual well-being, she can justify acting the way she has--out of love. ?

Ok, for me, this is the ultimate manipulation and almost a form of gaslighting. My mom knows that my faith is extremely important to me. Even with everything I've learned the last months, I was still struck with that horrible feeling of "I'm a terrible person, what's wrong with me, How can I even live with myself." I was awake most of that night wrestling with very intense shame and guilt over who I was, and I finally just had to get up, write everything out, and then next to it write down what is actually real. Once I was able to see it written out, it struck me how ridiculous she's being. But, she obviously still has the ability to make me intensely doubt reality and even my sanity at times. (Did she really say that? Did I really say that? Is that actually what I believe?, etc).

Here are my questions: How do you all keep hold of your sanity? How do you stay grounded when your pwBPD tries to shift reality on you? What are strategies or suggestions that have helped you all deal with this problem? Thanks! 

[SaltyCheese]

whew. I feel like I could have written this post. so I feel for you.

pt's with BPD ability to warp mutual memories and distort them to support a particular narrative is eye-opening. as with you, I frequently leave blow-ups wondering if im completely off base.

it's been particularly troubling lately but what ive found helpful is journaling immediately afterward. one of my friends has recorded episodes with her BPD parent when they are having a conversation just to confirm her own sanity, but that requires too much forethought and organization for me.

thoughts and prayers to you for healing and coping with all of this.

[Schmem_25]

I feel this so much. One of the parts that you wrote really stood out to me, when you talked about your dad who is seemingly engaged in your mother's narrative about you and who she is projecting you to be. My dad would do this too. He was (and still very much is) scared of my mom, scared of her wrath on him (which he gets constantly) and thus he would support her in anything. It wouldn't matter if whatever she was doing (i.e. kicking me out of the house, screaming at us kids, making me clean the bathroom again for the third time because "it wasn't done right") was crazy and illogical. He was there to add strength to her argument, to stoke the fire. This was incredibly hurtful and a betrayal. I knew my dad wasn't like my mom. I have been able to tell my dad just how hurtful those times were. It sounds like your dad, similarly to mine, is being manipulated by your mom, that he is co-dependent with her. There is hope for him, but he needs to choose to seek help. Your mom won't likely do that.

It's important to write down the truth. YOU know the truth. Your mom won't/can't change, but if your dad is not BPD, I hope that someday you could have an honest conversation with him about how this all makes you feel. You could tell him your truth. Hopefully he would hear you. I bet he would have some things to say, but I don't know him.