Why is it me?

[Dreamingagain]

My girlfriend been distant and quite depressed for almost 3 weeks now
We hardly speak and due to covid are unable to see each other

Yet she is quite active to talk to our mutual and her own friends.

Im the one who is shut down and the one who sees the side of her that is dark.and i'm being pushed away...

When asked she only shrugs and says that she is struggling but i shouldnt worry

I miss her and i need to feel close to her. Im worried we are really drifting apart...
How can i reach her? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Dreamingagain]

She just ignores me now...

She has not answered my messages and not caring about our relationship

I know she is depressed atm but i was shut out complitely

What do i do now?
I still care about her deeply

[once removed]

hi Dreamingagain, and

ive been in similar situations before. the first thing that i would do is not push. if you are being ignored, its a strong sign to back off, as much as it may hurt, as much as it may make you anxious. it gives the other person space, and sometimes, thats what they need to respond, in their own time.

what led to the distance, and her depression?

[Dreamingagain]

She was in a deep therapy for over a month and was distanced from communication (we had weekends only)
Then came alot of stress and move of house.
I feel like we have been drifting apart for few weeks now
She is loosing herself in mindless activities like binge watching telly or playing games for hours
We used to talk alot thru the day(covid stops us from seeing each other) but now im lucky if we speak once a day
And last 2 days im being shut down completely
Im at a loss of what to do

[once removed]

i know that the thing you want to hear most is some sort of strategy, a magic bullet.

the best thing to do in these situations is to read the other person, and act accordingly.

if shes not responsive, dont push. it will push her away.

its really hard to say whats going on with her right now. it sounds like there are a lot of stressors, and people with bpd traits generally dont do well with stress. she may need some space.

[Dreamingagain]

If there was a magic wand to fix it it would be nice
But i do realise there is no such thing

She is distant and it hurts

I will give her all the space she needs just deep down really worried she might not be back...

I care about her deeply and love her.

Keep reading articles about bpd and educating myself to make sure i can understand her better.

All the knowledge is great but it doesnt stop the feelings of worry and missing her.
I sound needy and overthinking even to myself

Thank you for the advice and it is really helpful to be able to voice how i feel and for others to underatand me

[once removed]

its okay to be worried and needy.

i cant tell you how many times ive been there.

its just, in my experience, counterproductive to show it. you and she, for whatever reason, are going through different things. a move is a big deal. this pandemic is a big deal. therapy is a big deal.

when someone is depressed or stressed, what they often (not always) need is not someone to fix it for them, but examples to lean on. if she is going through difficult times, and senses that that causes difficulty for you, it could (not necessarily fairly) cause her to back off even further. she may be adjusting, and needs you to adjust, too.

does that make sense?

[Dreamingagain]

Yes it does
Thank you and i will try to be the strong one for her

[Dreamingagain]

The in and out of her being close is killing me...

One moment she is so affectionate and close to me just to be ignored the next...

Blowing hot and cold is making me hurt. I feel lost

Is there a way to make it less extreme ?
Make some sort of balance?
 

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Dreaming-

I’m really sorry you’re hurting.  These are really tough days... really tough.  Under the best of circumstances, many pwBPD or BPD traits go through cycles and may have trouble understanding the cycling of their own emotions.  This doesn’t mean her feelings for you have changed.

If she’s in a down cycle, she may be having enough trouble handling herself, and feel she’s in no position to take on your emotions or “make you feel better”.  So looking to her for assurance could backfire.

This may be the time for you to “self-soothe”, so to speak.  And it could benefit both of you.  My suggestion?  Find a very funny you tube video (there’s a comedian John Mulaney, I think?), watch that and forward to your GF.  Send it along with a very short & sweet note saying how funny you think the guy is... (you mentioned she binge watches Telly).  This can possibly lift her spirits, your spirits and bring you to her mind in a positive, non - “needy” fashion.

We ALL need some laughter these days.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[once removed]

One moment she is so affectionate and close to me just to be ignored the next...

Blowing hot and cold is making me hurt. I feel lost

tell us more. what is she saying and doing? what are you saying and doing?

[Dreamingagain]

One day she is being very affectionate and loving (as much as you can over video call) and spend time talking to me and the next i feel like i have to beg for a simple hello...

She is chatting to her friends like everything is fine yet i am being pushed away and feel like a burden.

I am trying to be supportive and give her alot of validation and empathy

She is still depressed and says that everything feels numb for her and has no meaning.
It breaks my heart hearing that.

[once removed]

One day she is being very affectionate and loving (as much as you can over video call) and spend time talking to me and the next i feel like i have to beg for a simple hello...

dont beg.

She is still depressed and says that everything feels numb for her and has no meaning.
It breaks my heart hearing that.

she may be communicating to you, subtly, and not in the best of ways, what she needs from you. she may be saying she needs you to be strong and independent.

have you had a chance to read this:

Strength: It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

its a good starting point to know both what this takes, and what she may be asking of/seeking in you.

[Dreamingagain]

Thank you for the resources of the info
I have read that and still trying to find more info

In my head i understand it but its so much harder to stay level headed when the feelings are added

[once removed]

it is. the feelings need an outlet. ive always felt similar in relationships, where i feel shut out.

it may be a good idea to work these feelings with your support group, and possibly with a professional. your partner may not be the ideal person to work them out with.

[Dreamingagain]

What i find difficult is the one word answers and vague statements.

It is so dofficult to understand or even try to communicate when you dont have anything to work with...

[Dreamingagain]

She seems to be very happy to talk to everyone else but me...

Am i loosing her?

[once removed]

She seems to be very happy to talk to everyone else but me...

Am i loosing her?

youre not reading her.

these are signs to back off significantly. wearing your heart on your sleeve or pressing further is, ultimately, not heeding that.

have you ever had someone walk up and try to small talk you? and you put out all the signs that youre not interested, but they keep pushing, you start turning away, looking at your watch, giving short answers, but they keep pushing? it wasnt necessarily personal. maybe you werent in the mood. maybe it was a bad day. maybe you were trying to signal this wasnt what you wanted to talk about.

she needs you, right now, not to be that person.

[Dreamingagain]

I am trying very hard even though its so hard to be complitely shut down from a person i love...

[once removed]

my ex pretty suddenly went distant over night. it took me a couple of days to realize thats what she was doing, but when i did, it gave me a huge amount of anxiety.

we understand how hard this is, Dreamingagain. youre in the right place; we all know the anxiety and the pain.

we wouldnt be advising you on this and how to manage it if we didnt. the first, most important thing, on this board, is to stop the bleeding, to take a look at what we are doing that might be making things worse, or sabotaging our efforts.

right now, the more you cling, the more it will push her away. its contrary to your goals.

you say this has been going on for about three weeks. what led up to this? did anything significant happen before?

[Dreamingagain]

Yeah it was hospitalisation and move of the house so both pretty big events that she is recovering from..

I used to be the one she turned to in the time of anxiety and this time im the one who is pushed away

I am reading and learning and i am extremly greatful for any bit of advice and also the chance to say things that are on my mind
Its incredibly helpfull

[Dreamingagain]

Day 2 with no contact...
Everything in me is screaming for some sort of answers from her...

[juju2]

Hi Dream

I second the info you are getting here.

I would add, when I am obsessing about my boyfriend, why he hasn't reached out: I am tense, not fun, not open, bunch of nerves, not my natural self, etc.
I am not a welcoming space.

 My energy in this is chaotic.  I believe that person's with BPD are very intuitive.  I think he can sense when I am mixed up, and my space is energetically chaotic. 

at any rate, it's no fun for me to ruminate, and spend my time this way.
 As hard as it is, find a way to shake it off!

you are being contacted. 

I have to be positive.  light.  welcoming.
it's especially challenging to get in to that care free space.  not impossible.
you can do it!

[Dreamingagain]

i messed up...

forced contact and now regret it...
poured all my worries out and made her feel guilty. Now i feel guilty

Made her feel miserable and myself...

How i wish there was a reset button on conversations

[juju2]

shake it off!

it's a good exercise.

[once removed]

How i wish there was a reset button

there is. but it takes commitment.

it takes commitment to stopping the bleeding: https://bpdfamily.com/deciding_guide/01.htm

For you to do that, you must first believe that "stopping the bleeding" is in your best interest - and far more important than all the things that are driving the cycle of conflict.

[Dreamingagain]

I am determined to do better next time and give her the space she needs...
I am looking into self soothing and self care more and will try my best to be strong...
Be more positive
Or at least that's the plan

[Dreamingagain]

Minimal contact (or rather none) and uncertain about future...

It is difficult to be told that any contact gives her zero pleasure (when she used to smile on every occasion)

But im determined not to push this time

Come what may...

Its not easy when you love somebody

[Harri]

This thread reached the max post limit and has been split and locked.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345025.msg13112079#msg13112079

Thank you.