Dealing with a harsh reality

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey people,

I'm dealing with a rough breakup right now. I experienced abuse, both physical and emotional, and still struggle against idealized versions of her in my mind. She was almost always in a state of crisis from the beginning, though the good times were like a dream I always wanted. I just want to understand that what I did was right; that I didn't deserve the shame and manipulation that occurred. She said and did some of the most hurtful things anyone has ever done to me.

The worst part of all of this is that the relationship lasted only two months. I remember being interested in her the moment I saw her, and when I finally got the opportunity to be with her I went all-in, exposing every vulnerability I had just so that I could maybe finally have a healthy, long-lasting relationship. I had no idea what would happen, how serious her BPD was, how my insecurities only fueled her own, or how to deal with the guilt that I caused her pain. Now I'm sure that she despises me, that I will never speak to her again -- which is okay. I just don't understand why I feel attached to these instances of abuse I never believed I would experience, and now that she's gone I'm lost.

I just need some support. Someone to talk to who understands...

[Belaan]

Hey people,

I'm dealing with a rough breakup right now. I experienced abuse, both physical and emotional, and still struggle against idealized versions of her in my mind. She was almost always in a state of crisis from the beginning, though the good times were like a dream I always wanted. I just want to understand that what I did was right; that I didn't deserve the shame and manipulation that occurred. She said and did some of the most hurtful things anyone has ever done to me.

The worst part of all of this is that the relationship lasted only two months. I remember being interested in her the moment I saw her, and when I finally got the opportunity to be with her I went all-in, exposing every vulnerability I had just so that I could maybe finally have a healthy, long-lasting relationship. I had no idea what would happen, how serious her BPD was, how my insecurities only fueled her own, or how to deal with the guilt that I caused her pain. Now I'm sure that she despises me, that I will never speak to her again -- which is okay. I just don't understand why I feel attached to these instances of abuse I never believed I would experience, and now that she's gone I'm lost.

I just need some support. Someone to talk to who understands...

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Belaan, Welcome!  In a sense, you are lucky that it only lasted two months.  Many of us spent years "before the mast" in a BPD r/s.  I suggest practicing gratitude that it's over.

I have a question that might be worth exploring: why did you put up with emotional and/or physical abuse?  Most people would run for the hills, but not us Nons.  We stay, for a variety of reasons.  It's worth trying to figure out what that reason is in your case.

Be careful not to shoulder all the blame.  Those w/BPD are good at foisting blame on the Non to get it off their plates.  I suggest you don't take it on.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

no one deserves abuse. verbal, physical, emotional, any sort of it.

ive always had a hard time with breakups myself, Belaan, i remember being hung up on a gal i dated for three weeks, for about six months.

why dont you tell us more about what happened between the two of you in those two months? this sounds hard.

[csquare319]

Hi Belaan, reading your story echos my experience almost exactly. I am in the same boat as you, a very short relationship with pwBPD, and a hard fall. Now I am dealing with abandonment depression. So I feel you, brother! Hang in there, hopefully we'll begin to feel better soon.

[Lucky Jim]

no one deserves abuse. verbal, physical, emotional, any sort of it.

once removed put that well.  I concur and would reiterate that abuse is unacceptable.

Fill us in, Belaan, when you can.

LJ